


Sci-FI Crimes (The Bonfire)

by Pseudthisyafucks (collettephinz)



Category: Youtube - RPF
Genre: Conspiracy, F/M, M/M, Memory Loss/Amnesia, Mentions of Prostitution, Minor Character Death, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Protective Jack, action/violence, but also unrequited love, economic hierarchy, eutopia/dystopia setting, felix POV, guard dog Felix, illegal dealings, jack is in the middle of a love triangle without knowing, love rivals, near-sociopathic Jack, new tech and lore, rebellion against centralized government, rebellion against religious control, rebellion leader Jack, revenge crazy Jack, right hand man Felix, science fiction AU, slight non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-10-02
Packaged: 2019-05-03 03:49:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 156,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14560236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/collettephinz/pseuds/Pseudthisyafucks
Summary: Felix took in a deep breath, readying himself for the final four lines. The lines that haunted him. He’d spoken these words to Jack long ago and planted a seed in Jack’s brain— the seed that grew and flourished into a war-thirsty flower. One that told Jack he was meant to be the person he’d become. The one that told Jack he was nothing more than the revenge that drove him.“War is for everyone,”Felix whispered.“For children too. I wasn’t going to tell you and I mustn’t. The best way is to come up hill with me and have our fire and laugh and be afraid.”. . .Ever since Jack's family was crushed beneath their home and bombs while Jack had been away, he's been overtaken by bloodlust and a need for revenge. All Felix can do is stay at his side and make sure Jack comes out alive when everything is said and done and the Chairwoman overthrown.





	1. Highland's Apparition

**Author's Note:**

  * For [writeasoph](https://archiveofourown.org/users/writeasoph/gifts).



> iiiiiiiiii looooooooove this storyyyyyyyyyyy and it's all i can seem to write so i hope by posting what i have will allow me to finish WIS even tho this is only the first 10k of an already 35k long story that will be much much longer but who cares? i don't i'm loving this
> 
> also may i please be praised for how serious my tags are for once
> 
> thanks soph for making me write this shit

The acid rain hit the broken concrete of the half-collapsed building Felix looked down from. His hood hung just perfectly over the crown of his head to shield the cigarette he was smoking, dangling between his lips. The cancer stick and its four other friends sitting in the box in his back pocket had cost him nearly one hundred Merits, and they were well worth the expense. The lights reflected off the cracked lens of his glasses, colorful and imperfect with the distortion of the rain. Above, at the legal ten-kilometre-ceiling, autonomous flight pods zoomed overhead, lighting the storm clouds above. 

“You know what I hate most about religion?”

Felix sighed out the smoke of the drag of his cigarette before turning his attention to the man on his left. “What’s that, Jack?”

“The fucking irresponsibility of it all.” 

Jack was the special kind of leader that talked a lot, all the time, making his moments of silence important, and the words he said after the silence even more important. Jack had been silent for the past twenty-five minutes while they’d been surveying the scene in front of them. What he was about to say next was worth listening to. 

“Ye’ve got all these fuckers, selling their souls to a scapegoat,” Jack continued. His voice was deep and bitter. Felix could barely stand to look at the dark turn of his brow. Felix was one of the few that knew what Jack was like when he was smiling, and had always hated the way Jack looked when he wasn’t. “They think that if they pay their penance and sing loud enough, all of their shit will be washed away by the cleansing rain of their loving and all powerful god.”

Felix nodded and looked down to the ground below, to the huge white building that was lit up with spotlights and had three screens functioning as a roof, showing the fat man that was inside the another building far away while he was screaming hatred through the speakers that broadcasted his message to anyone who couldn’t afford to drown him out. 

“They think they can’t be blamed cause their god made them who they are,” Jack continued. “A man touches little boys, but he can’t help it, god made him want that. One woman drowns her kids in the bathtub, but it ain’t her fault, god made her lose her mind. A fucking punk shoots his friend over a girl, but it ain’t him, he didn’t want t’ do it, god made him feel such anger. It’s all an organized clusterfuck of refusing to take the blame. They say god made them that way so they can become better, but they think being better is going to church one day, then going back to molesting the kid, or killing the children, or murdering your brother. Doesn’t matter what ye’ do. God forgives ye’ cause it’s god’s fault and he’s sorry for fuckin’ ye’ up. They’re all a bunch of irresponsible cunts, government funded propaganda powerhouses. And I hate it.”

Felix blew out another breath of smoke, watching it be battered away by the rain. “… They’re still people, Jack.”

Beside him, the man cursed under his breath. “Fine,” he bit out. “Ethan.”

To Felix’s right, a skinny boy with bright blue hair looked up at Jack from where he had originally been bent over a laptop that was connected to countless wires, all of them disappearing into the broken building beneath their feet. Ethan had been diligently waiting for orders these past twenty-five minutes. Felix had been trying to persuade Jack from making a mistake.

“Pull the fire alarm.”

Felix didn’t miss the relief that swam over Ethan’s face as he carried out the command. They were stupid kids trying to fight back against an impossible monster, not murderers. Below, the big white building’s screens suddenly flashed red and white, the speakers now warning of a fire rather than spreading god’s message. Countless people flooded from the white building. Felix hoped no one had been trampled in the panic.

“Give it five minutes,” Jack said. 

Ethan did. Then, when those precious minutes had passed, he reached down to the clunky audio transmitter beside him and hit the big red button he’d labeled “DON-T TOUCH ME.” It took a few seconds, it always did. The button had to transmit its carefully programmed purpose into actual orders. Then those orders had to travel through the wire, through the building, and into its real reason for existence. And then the time had to count down from three, and—

The white building went up in a massive explosion of combustion and sound. The people surrounded were blown back by the shockwave, and the building trembled beneath Felix’s feet, but he didn’t care, because Jack didn’t care either. Pieces of white broken-church rained down below, and the billowing smoke was too thick to be dissipated by the rain like Felix’s cigarette smoke had. It reached high into the sky— well into the ten-kilometre-ceiling. Ahead, autonomous pods blared in warning and alarm.

“Shite,” Jack said beside him. “Didn’t think of that.” He turned away from the chaos he’d orchestrated with little care. “Let’s go,” he said. “Gotta meet back up with Sive and Amy. Make sure their hit went just as well.”

“Do you think anyone died?” 

Felix looked to where Ethan was watching the havoc. The kid was new to the scene. He didn’t quite understand that sometimes a body count was unavoidable. Felix still wondered why Jack had insisted on Ethan joining them for this, rather than his usual choice of Robin. Then again, Robin would’ve hesitated to hit that button when Ethan didn’t.

“It doesn’t matter,” Jack said. “All that does is that we get away from here before the cameras show up.”

“And what? Broadcast this and have them say it was the Omerians? Or the Adleists? The Sun Walkers? There are so many enemies out there. How will they know it’s us that did this?”

Jack only glanced back at Ethan for a moment. “Doesn’t matter who they think did it. All that matters is they know they’re not god anymore.” Jack then looked to Felix and scowled, taking the dwindling cigarettes from between his lips and tossing it onto the ground, stomping out the tiny embers. “Stop smokin’ that shite, ye’ idiot, it’ll kill ye’.”

Felix looked forlornly down at the ruined stick and mourned the fact that he couldn’t let the thing eat away at itself until it burned his lips.

. . .

Home base was a broken building with little use left to anyone but those breaking some sort of law. It was above farming grounds, so no sentries were allowed by in agreement with the Consumer Accords. The farmers didn’t like anyone being in their business, and they were the ones giving them food, so no one was going to step on their toes. It wasn’t like farmers were capable of much more than farming, right?

Felix scouted out the route ahead to home, leaping from broken radio towers to rooftops to window sills to make sure nothing would get in the way of those on the ground. He knew that they’d be fine, but that didn’t stop him from glancing back to the dark, hooded figures that were dodging what little crowd was in the streets. No one paid any mind to the people running away from the explosion. But that didn’t stop Felix from looking back for Jack. 

Their particular building was only two miles into the farming grounds, one of many, shorter than most, inconspicuous. It was ruined and another building was slumped against it, crumbling the top of the first, which made for an awful draft at the highest floors you could get to. It was nothing special and perfect for housing a young rebellion. Just enough edge and just enough disorder. 

Felix honestly hated the place a little. Whenever he’d chosen places to spend his nights, he’d always stuck with something smaller. Something a little easier to hide in. But Jack had chosen it and Jack had never steered him wrong before. The building was still serving its purpose after nearly six years and Felix was sure it would do the same for many more, if needed. The idea of having a home still sat oddly in his thoughts and his bed was awful, but again, this was Jack. He could always trust Jack.

He was the first one home, and kept his return quiet, slipping in through a shattered window no one knew to watch. He passed by a few new faces, but only them. He went to Robin’s tiny little room on the eleventh floor, ready to report, because Robin liked his files. He stopped, though, when he saw Robin walked past down a decrepit hallway, away from his precious room. Felix observed the way he walked— the hurried steps, the wringing of his hands, the way he gnawed on his lower lip. Something was making Robin nervous, so Felix followed him. 

Down the hall, into another, down stairs, past others that didn’t matter. Most of them had joined the fight for refuge and not action. Jack didn’t mind them, so neither did Felix, but sometimes he resented their complacency. They all stayed out of his way as he followed Robin, down more stairs to the real entrance of the building— a huge lobby that once boasted tall, beautiful windows with marble floors and walls. Felix stayed back, keeping himself behind a broken wall. He watched as Robin met Jack and told him, “he’s still here.”

Jack scowled. “Course he fuckin’ is.”

“What should we do with him?”

“What’s he said?”

“That he wants to help, but that’s all he’s been saying. He won’t stop asking for her.” Robin’s voice was shaking, but that wasn’t out of the ordinary for him. Robin was meant to stay behind a computer screen. “I don’t know what to do, Jack.”

Felix watched Jack’s hand stray for the gun at his side— a LARS, military issue, meant for enforcement and war personal. He’d stolen it off the man that had tried to kill him with it and used it without discretion. Even after they’d acquired an arms dealer, Jack never gave up his first LARS in exchange for a better. Felix narrowed his eyes, knowing what Jack meant to do with it. He stepped out of the shadows then. “Who’s here?”

Jack didn’t look surprised to see him, but he did look inconvenienced. Robin actually jumped a little. Now Felix knew he wasn’t meant to know. He crossed his arms over his chest. Ethan walked past him quickly, head ducked like a child running from an argument between his parents, escaping downstairs. 

“What’re ye’ doin’ sneaking around, Felix?”

Felix shrugged, unbothered by the disdain in Jack’s voice. “Catching you in the act, apparently.”

“Ain’t nothin’ t’ catch.”

“Then why won’t you tell me who it is? If it’s nothing.”

Jack narrowed his eyes at Felix’s call of his bluff. Felix just shifted his weight from one foot to the other, his shoulders thrown back, relaxed, watching Jack work out his next move with the same neutrality he always gave Jack. He knew what was happening. Jack had someone he felt it was best to execute and didn’t want Felix talking him out of it like he always did. Jack was the kind of guy who preferred to keep loose lips shut forever. 

Felix waited patiently. In the end, Jack couldn’t keep anything from him. Jack finally let out this huff of frustration, signaling defeat to his inner struggle. He walked past Robin and took Felix by the arm, bringing him to the stairs that would lead down into the three basement levels, where shit actually happened. All the refugees stayed in the upper levels, where the dull glow of the city could reach their hopeless hearts. The things that mattered didn’t receive the light of day. 

“He showed up last night, round 23-15,” Jack said, keeping his voice low even though there was no one else around. Felix could hear Robin following them dutifully. “Said he wanted to help and shit, but his credentials are through the fucking roof and he’s already registered, even at fuckin’ twenty. Askin’ for Amy, which is only another concern.”

Felix could understand Jack’s paranoia at the list of problems, but that still didn’t excuse killing whoever this was. “What’s his name?”

“Mark Fillian was what he told us,” Jack replied. “Until we double checked for registration. Real name is Mark Fischbach.”

Felix barely kept his expression from morphing into one of shock. “Like the gate general?”

“His son.”

Felix did let himself wince. “And he wants to see Amy.”

Jack nodded, his expression grim. “You can imagine why I ain’t eager t’ let that happen.”

“He might be a friend of hers.”

“A friend of hers ain’t a friend of ours.”

“You should go to her first before you do anything, see if he’s actually a threat.”

“The bastard is talking about helping us and helping her, Felix. He’s registered and he wants in and he’s somehow found us. We’re compromised.”

“She could have been the one to tell him where to go.”

Jack’s nostrils flared at the realization. “If that’s the case, then we’re double fucked, Felix. Cause then we’ve got a mole disguised as a friendly face.”

Felix sighed as they left the stairwell for the lowest level of the basement, into the server rooms, with only half of them holding functioning servers. The rest functioned as places to store weapons and places to keep people captive. It was kept cool down here, thanks to fans Robin had gotten running through siphoning off power illegally through an ancient grid, the same power that kept necessities in their building running. The concrete surroundings were uncomfortable in the cold in a way the metal city wasn’t. Jack led Felix to one of the furthermost rooms, a long walk, meaning people would be less likely to stumble upon the man inside. Or hear a gunshot. 

“You’re predictable,” Felix told Jack with a soft sigh. “Just because he’s raising hairs doesn’t mean you have to kill him.”

“If he’s the only one to know where we are, he’s better off dead.”

Felix didn’t answer and looked to the door in front of him. He sometimes wondered if they should try to install one-way mirrors into the doors so they could watch people without being watched. People always gave away their best secrets when they thought no one else could see. 

“Let me talk to him,” Felix said. “You’re biased.”

Jack snorted a sound of incredulity, but didn’t tell Felix he was wrong. “I’m sitting in.”“Are you sure that’s a good idea? I’m worried of what you’ve said to him before.”

“I ain’t missing any of what he says. Your bias could throw us off too.”

Felix nodded, realizing it was pointless to argue. Jack was a control freak to the bone and Felix had never minded it before. He saw no point in minding it now. “Keep watch, Robin?”

Robin nodded, looking shaken. He was honestly the last person Felix would trust to watch his back in any sort of hairy situation, but it wasn’t like Jack would bring in anyone else until he was either absolutely sure the man was no threat, or the man was dead. And Felix was here to ensure the latter never happened. “Before you do anything final, I want to ask Amy about him,” he told Jack. “Better safe than sorry.”

Jack narrowed his eyes. “Funny. Sounds more like an argument for why I should just put a hole in his head immediately.”

“Are you gonna keep making threats or are you gonna let me talk to him?”

Jack scowled at the exasperation in Felix’s voice, but took the key Robin was holding out for him and unlocked the door. 

Inside was a man sitting in front of an old metal desk, his arms behind his back, probably cuffed to the chair. Felix remembered when Jack had found all of these old handcuffs, the iron ones that tore at peoples’ wrists. Felix felt sorry for the man. He was oriental, looking like an old image that Felix could remember on a glossy page. The slanted eyes were usually a symbol of wealth these days, but the man wasn’t holding his head like he thought he was anyone important. 

His eyes were dark and honest, watching Felix with thinly veiled interest. His eyes scanned Felix’s body, but he wasn’t looking for a weapon, he was looking at the way Felix was standing, if Felix was a threat to him or not. He watched the man’s eyes catch on Felix’s silver hair and the glasses on his face. Felix watched the man’s gaze halt and almost soften at the edges. Felix was officially not someone to fear. 

Felix brushed his fingertips across the dusty metal of the desk as he stood in front of the man. “Your name’s Mark, right? Mark Fischbach.”

He watched the man flinch at the surname. “Yes. Yes, it is. Look, I’m sorry I lied but I’m not sorry for why I did it. I knew what would happen if I told you who I really was. If I had—”

Felix waved his hand in the air, cutting off the explanation. He knew why Mark had done it and thought him smart for doing so. Jack really was a rash kind of guy and anyone approaching him was wise to do anything in their power to keep from inhibiting his wrath. “You said you wanted to see Amy. How do you know her?”

Felix watch carefully as a sort of warmth went through Mark’s eyes. “She’s a friend.” That was a lie, but not in the way that Jack seemed to think it was. Felix could see the truth easily in the way Mark spoke about her. “She and I knew each other from General parties and all of that shit, she and I have known each other for ages.” The way he couldn’t say her name, like it would be too much to hear from his own mouth. The way his tone took reverence with the pronoun. The way his chest opened up. Mark was in love with Amy. Felix knew he needed to talk to Amy to see if she loved him back. 

“I haven’t seen her since her father was disavowed, but I kept in contact by bribing people to ferry messages between districts. She’s been sending me letters. She told me about you guys, but only the bare basics, I swear. When shit started going down with the gates, I-I asked where she was because I wanted to help. She told me to fuck off. I kept asking, I wasn’t gonna let this go, and then I, like, I got fucking annoying, I know I did, and she finally told me a little.”

Felix felt Jack kick the floor behind him and reminded himself to talk to Jack about this. Amy was one of their brightest. She wouldn’t do anything like that without good reason.   
“She said she needed my help and I want to give it,” Mark said firmly. “I want to be useful. I want to be something good. I want to be—”

“Shut up,” Jack growled, and Felix agreed, but only because he’d heard enough to see the truth. Mark wanted to change who he was in Amy’s eyes. Felix was beginning to realize he didn’t need to talk to Amy to know if she loved Mark back. Felix was pretty sure she didn’t even know. Felix found himself empathizing with this man. He knew the lengths someone would go to at the prospect of being loved. 

Felix nodded to Jack and they left the room together. Once Robin shut the door, Felix said, “we can trust him.”

“I fucking knew you were gonna say that,” Jack groaned. “Every fuckin’ pretty boy and girl that comes through here ain’t a saint, Felix! Just cause they spin a good story and make fuckin’ doe eye at ye’ doesn’t mean they’re helpless. You’re just like a fuckin’ mother, always lookin’ for the best when it don’t exist. You’re gonna get us killed one day if ye’ insist on taking in every single person with a sob story!”

Felix waited patiently for Jack’s tantrum to end, arms resting easily at his side. When Jack stopped his rant, he watched Felix, waiting for a reaction. “We can trust him,” Felix repeated after he was sure Jack was done. 

Jack almost stomped his foot, Felix could see it in his face. But Robin was around and Jack was twenty-three, he couldn’t throws fits like that anymore. “What makes you think so,” he demanded, his voice tense with annoyance.

“He’s telling the truth,” Felix said. “He wants to help because he wants Amy to think better of him. He’s not working for anyone but himself and his selfish need to win her over. Maybe that doesn’t fit your concept for right and wrong, but we’ve attested to the ends justifying the means quite a few times. He’s the son of a vowed general, and he seems certain that he can be a help to us. I say we hear him out and find out what he thinks he can do for us.”

“And if that goes wrong?”

“Then we cut our losses, put a hole in his head, and get back to work.”

That was how Felix always won these arguments— let Jack know that he agrees with killing if it comes to it in the end. As long as Jack feels like he’s allowed the option if worse comes to worse, he’s happier to acquiesce. “Let him see Amy,” Felix prodded gently. “If he’s useful to us, then that’s perfect. If not, we’ll keep him from going back to anyone.”

“How did he communicate with Amy again?”

“By letter, they said.”

“If he’s still got the letter she sent telling him to come, it’ll be for the best. I hope it’s actually on paper.” Jack shook his head and looked down at the keys in his hands. “I’m not undoing the cuffs. His hands stay locked.”

“Fair enough,” Felix agreed. “I want to talk to Amy next.”

“Amy has been spilling secrets.”

“Amy has nearly died for this cause, she won’t turn her back on it so easily for anything that’s less than worth it.”

Jack frowned. “And what? Ye’ think Mark is one of those things?”

“I think he could be.”

Jack’s brow twitched, something that happened when he was entirely done with a conversation and had no idea how to put his foot down and win the argument in one sentence. Jack really didn’t want him going to Amy. “If she’s a snake, she’s at least getting locked up with him.”

Felix fought the urge to roll his eyes. Amy wasn’t a snake. Jack was paranoid and carrying a lot of weight on his shoulders. He had to be this way. “Don’t touch him until I talk to Amy.” He stepped past Jack with a hand on his shoulder and climbed the stairs to the first basement floor. Amy would be in the war room— what used to be a parking garage, but no one knew that— where she always was whenever she wasn’t sleeping or burning effigies. She was a pretty girl with a good head on her shoulders. Felix knew she wouldn’t reach out to Mark if she didn’t have a good reason.

Felix found her bent over the long conglomerate of metals tables they’d dragged down here to serve a new purpose, holding maps and copies of permits and regulations and damning photographs. Amy was the daughter of disavowed gate general. She knew the inner workings of the district gates because she’d walked them nearly every day. She was who they relied on when they needed information on the maze of tunnels in the walls. She was an asset. Jack would never be able to lock her away, not permanently.

Felix leaned against the table she was bent over, waiting quietly for her to finish her project. The construction on the South farming wall was critical to their future plans and she knew the most about the holes that would be present and when. It took her fifteen minutes to get down the numbers of who she knew would be doing what, but when she did finish, she rewarded Felix’s patience with a tired smile. “What’s up?”

Felix shifted his position against the table so that he could get a clear view of her face when he asked his first question, ready to read. “Do you know Mark Fischbach?”

The hope that flared in her eyes confirmed Felix’s knowledge that she wasn’t Jack’s snake.

. . .

Felix put his weight on the wall opposite from the one Jack was against, watching down the hall. “Always did love a tearful reunion,” Jack commented sarcastically, but Felix knew a small part of him meant it. Jack had been willing to undo the handcuffs for Amy and Mark to embrace, after all, even if he hadn’t stated that explicitly to be the reason. 

“You’re just upset you were wrong,” Felix told him idly, keeping his voice low. Jack let out a noise, a little snort with no mirth. He was giving Felix the win. Felix almost smiled to himself, but didn’t, because it would be out of character in the hallway.

“What’s the plan now, oh wise one?” Jack was more than a little miffed, but Felix didn’t mind. Sometimes Jack’s paranoia had its place. “Gonna drop our weapons? Hug it out? Sing kum-ba-ya to the carbon? Tearful reunions all around, solve our problems with a loving embrace and emotion.”

“She said he can help with something,” Felix said, ignoring Jack. “Whatever it is, it’s important that we don’t ignore it. We could use all the help we can get at this point. The hubs won’t fall out of luck.”

Jack huffed. “Whatever.” Another success.

Felix went back to watching, taking in the way Mark’s hands never strayed lower than just at the end of Amy’s ribcage. His face, for the most part, was buried in her neck. Felix could still see his eyes, though. They were shut, his brow turned upwards in relief and gratefulness. He was holding Amy so tightly with strong arms that probably could have broken her, but he was gentle in his desperation. Felix could see it, “plain as the sun,” as people used to say, on his face. Mark loved her. He took solace and peace in her presence. Even if he wasn’t of any use to them, he would have found his way back to her one way or another. 

Felix’s heart ached and found himself glancing to Jack for his reaction. Jack wasn’t watching them with anything but wariness. He didn’t want to be held like that. Felix told himself that didn’t bother him. Jack let out another huff. “I’m givin’ ‘em one more minute.”

“C’mon, Jack, they haven’t seen each other for ages.”

“They can continue when the fight’s done, right now, we need action.” Jack pushed himself off the wall and kicked the toes of Felix’s shoe. “Bring ‘em upstairs.” That was silent permission for Felix to give them two minutes instead of one. 

Felix waited three minutes. Then he approached them, mindful not to eavesdrop on the whispered conversation they were sharing, the quiet intimacy of old friends. He cleared his throat and said, apologetically, “we’ve got to get you both upstairs. Jack wants some less-vague info.”

Amy nodded and pulled herself from Mark, who looked sorry for the loss. Felix felt sorry for him too. “Do you want his room next to yours?” he asked Amy. He would convince Jack to keep Mark up a level, with the rest of the them. 

Amy worried her lower lip. “Could he stay with me? Just for the first few nights.”

Felix kept his face completely neutral. “Absolutely.” Maybe Mark’s case wasn’t nearly as hopeless as he’d thought. “Let’s get upstairs. Jack thinks we’re behind schedule as it is, even though we never had a definite schedule in the first place.” He stepped back, signaling for them to walk ahead of him so he can lock up behind them. They went back up to the war room where everyone who mattered was gathered.

Odin’s Chosen were cleverly named and forty-seven strong. Every single person (except for Mark) was unregistered as they’d all joined before turning twenty-one. Sons and daughters of farmers, soldiers, tailors, and teachers. They’d all lost someone to the bombs that had scattered the city endlessly for the past years, all of the bombings pinned on the Omerians until Jack had shown them proof of the truly guilty. Most kids wouldn’t stand for their own government killing their families if they could. Their once-beloved Chairwoman was now the devil they’d feared as children and they fought against that devil like the best of warriors, hence their name. Or at least, that was how they saw their rebellion’s title. None of them actually even knew who Odin was.

Mark eyed everyone nervously, so Felix took a step ahead of him and stood with his shoulder partly obscuring the new man. Everyone turned their eyes from Mark to Felix, then to Jack. Jack was sitting on the edge of a table, on top of a mugshot. His arms were crossed over his chest unhappily. 

“Mark Fischbach,” he said, gesturing to Mark. A low murmur went through the crowd at the familiar name. “He found his way here entirely on his own, so you know the rules. We hear out anyone that gets here of their own devices.” Jack wasn’t mentioning Amy’s part in Mark’s discovery of their home. “He says he can help us.”

Mark took in a breath. “I can get you guys the permits you need to get to the other hubs. I have a supplier who is foolproof.”

Across the room, their arm’s dealer, Tyler, snorted a laugh. “Fake permits aren’t gonna get us anywhere, not into the officials sanctums. Forgeries aren’t going to work.”

“They’re going to work because they’re not forgeries.” Another low murmur. “If I can get your retinals to them, five max, they can get your information temporarily into the main database that spans all of the hubs. It’ll be deep set, offspring level security, like I’ve got. Amy will already be in there so she’s an automatic freebie. They’ll make it look like you’ve always been there. The permits will last up to two months.”

This was too good to be true. Felix traded a glance with Jack and knew he was thinking the same thing. “And just how are ye’ able t’ do this?” Jack asked. “There’s a catch. Always is.”

“The supplier is close to me,” Mark said firmly, his expression telling Jack he would be receiving no further information. “But you’re right, there is a catch. They refuse to let them pass out of their hands anywhere outside of Central. And they refuses to hand them to me or any of you. They want to hand it off to someone outwardly sordid, so it looks like regular identity crime instead of treason.”

“I know a guy,” Felix said automatically. 

“Course ye’ do,” Jack bit out. 

“If I give you his tag, will you promise your supplier won’t rat him out?”

Mark leveled Felix was a steady expression of determination. “I swear it on my life.”

Felix nodded. He went to the table and tore off the corner of a sheet from the mug shot Jack was sitting over. Jack regarded him cooly as Felix kept his focus on writing down the registration tag from memory. Jack’s eyes on his face were weighted, as they always were when Felix took charge in some way. Felix ignored him and refused to let his body react when Jack leaned in closer to look down at the numbers. Felix could feel the warmth from Jack’s body where his hand was nearly against the other man’s chest. It felt like fire. 

Felix pulled away and handed the paper to Mark. “Keep him safe.”

Mark nodded. “It’s still weird to use paper. Safe, but weird.”

“We appreciate your use of it,” Jack said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Please continue to do so for our collective safety.” Jack stood. “The five are going to be me, Felix, Signe, Ethan, and Sive. Get your retinals to Mark A-S-A-P and be ready to head into Central once we get the okay on the trade. You’re responsible for your permit, end of story. None of this gets traced back to anyone else in this room. Your fingerprints only.”

Oh thank god, Sive was coming. Felix almost showed relief. Across the room, Sive met his eyes over the crowd and gave him an over-exuberant thumbs up. With Sive coming along, Felix wouldn’t have to be worried about watching Signe’s back. Hell, he wouldn’t even have to talk to her. Any excuse not to interact with Signe was a godsend to him. 

“How long should it take for the permits to get issued?” Jack asked.

“Four days,” Mark replied without thought. He’d obviously ran through this plan many times before. “Technically three, but I won’t know until she sends word, and that usually takes a day as well.” Felix inwardly took note of the slip-up of the pronoun, but said nothing.

Jack nodded. “Now— about your own registration.”

“I know you would want to get rid of it,” Mark said, his hand unconsciously going to his left shoulder. “But if we’re to get through the hubs without raising suspicions, I would like to request that I keep it. At least for now.”

Jack shook his head, pursing his lips. “Yeah. I don’t like that.”

“He’s right,” Amy spoke up, her voice steady. “I’m disavowed, but his father is still a prominent figure. If he walks around without registration pinging up, people will notice. The rest of us can pass by without thought, we all look young. But they’ll know his face. They’ll know something’s up.”

Felix had to admit that Amy had a solid argument. “She’s got a point,” he told Jack, knowing his opinion would drive it home. Jack scowled, crossed his arms over his chest again, but gave a final nod. 

“Four days,” he told everyone. “In the meantime, we negotiate for more LARS. Tired of announcing our presence every time something goes sour. If we’re taking down the sanctums, we’re doing it as quietly as we can.”

. . .

Later that night, as Felix laid in bed, he waited patiently for the sound of a door swinging shut in the room next to his. His mattress was uncomfortable and spongy along his spine. The pillow was basically a cloud. It was too soft for him, had too much give to be comfortable. He was used to sleeping on the ground. He’d had this bed for nearly five years, and yet he still couldn’t get an inkling of decent rest on it.

Sound slammed through the room next to his. The walls were thin. Felix held his breath and waited. He could hear the other person settling down, closing a smaller door, cursing from a stubbed toe, dropping into their own bed. There was a pause of silence. Felix could practically feel him thinking.

Then there was the quiet tap of knuckles on the thing wall, three knocks in quick succession.

Felix was out of his bed and into the next room in seconds.

. . .

Three days went by in a bustle of activity, and Felix found himself spending his tiny amounts of downtime with Mark rather than alone, as he normally would have. Robin insistently took of Jack’s time, Amy was now package with Mark, Brad was busy helping the refugees upstairs, and Sive was obsessive in his training regiment, though for good reason. He was the best. Since Amy was one of the easiest people to talk to her, Felix had always gravitated to her, and now, coincidentally, Mark.

Mark was smart. He knew a lot about the world and about people. General offspring received near-Central levels of education, and they were always good people. He listened to Felix talk about the history and science and language he knew with rapt attention, in awe of the useless information Felix had stored away in his head. Felix mostly appreciated how Mark took all of the information as past-fact without much argument.

“Where did you learn all of this?” Mark had asked on the first day.

Felix had shrugged and told the truth. “I don’t know. I’ve just always known it.” Mark had seem mystified by the answer. Felix sometimes was to.

“Who were your parents?” That was the inevitable question that always followed.

Felix didn’t know that either.

Mark knew how to get Felix to talk, which was a rarity in anyone other than Jack. Felix was normally quiet out of preference unless he was teaching. He rarely found anyone that was willing to listen to him talk their ear off about mundane things like the literature and history of a world that didn’t exist anymore. Literature and history were Felix’s favorite, though, and Mark didn’t seem to mind. 

“Odin’s Chosen is the name of all of you, isn’t it?” Mark asked. “Sorry, I’m not sure. You guys aren’t very well known by name.”

Felix shrugged. “We wouldn’t be very successful if people knew who we were.”

“Why that name?”

Felix almost smiled. “Jack liked the sound of it.”

“That’s it? You told me Odin was for, like, bravery in battle and facing death with pride and all that shit, on only a sort of philosophical standing of the god. All of that, and Jack went with it because he thought it sounded good?”

“It’s not as bad as it sounds, trust me.”

“I just find it funny that this concept of freedom is named after whimsy.” Mark smiled. He took joy in those kinds of things, apparently. The little coincidences and accidents. Felix could appreciate that. Mark was perceptive and was able to take apart small bits of information to put together a bigger picture. He was useful. Felix was sure Jack would warm up to him eventually.

And as someone easy to talk to, Felix found himself asking questions he normally wouldn’t have asked a near-stranger, like, “are you ever going to tell Amy how you feel?”

Mark flinched, looking away from the map he was studying— something Amy had drawn out for them. He was holding the edges of the large sheet paper with almost reverence, like he could never imagine clipping or bending the pages of something Amy made. He was obvious in the way his expression softened whenever he was allowed around Amy, as Jack’s trust was still capable of being stretched too thin. Mark visibly always had his thoughts on Amy. 

“I don’t know,” Mark mumbled, not looking at Felix. “When will you ever tell Jack?”

That was when Felix’s heart stopped, lodged in his throat, strangling coherent thought from his mind. Mark didn’t notice for a long time that Felix had gone silent, but something like panic came over his face when he finally looked up. “Oh god, I’m sorry,” Mark said. “I didn’t know—”

“How,” was all Felix could get out.

“I just, I see it, like you see it in me. The way your eyes won’t stay on him for too long because you can’t let yourself look. I can see it in the way you avoid him in the same way you see me unable to avoid her. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know it was that bad.”

A shudder rattled every bone in Felix’s body and he looked to the floor. “I hope your answer isn’t the same as mine,” he managed to say. “She feels the same for you.”

Mark smiled sadly. “Just because two people feel the same doesn’t mean it’s alright for them to be together. There’s too much at risk right now. Too much that can be lost with a few moments of divided attention. I love her, but she needs to focus on staying alive. I don’t want to be a distraction.”

“You already are.”

“The gain she received in me being able to help is more than the risk of having me close by.”

Felix nodded because arguing that point was wasted. “Don’t bring that up again,” he said, struggling to keep his voice steady. “About Jack. I’m safer with him not knowing. I-if anyone else has noticed, you can’t—”

“Do you think he’d hurt you?” Mark asked, brow turned upwards in concern. “I’ve seen the way he treats you. If you think he would genuinely hurt you, maybe you should—”

“Jack would never hurt me,” Felix interrupted quickly. He wasn’t surprised that yet another person saw the coldness in Jack’s eyes and failed to see anything beyond it. But he wasn’t about to argue that Jack wouldn’t be horrified to know what Felix felt. 

“Are you sure?”

A clatter was the only warning they received when Ethan stumbled into the room, clutching an antique PC case to his chest. Most of the equipment they used was near archaic, if only because the outdated serial numbers were nearly impossible to track, and the energy the equipment used was close to none. Felix knew what the clunky computer Ethan was holding was, but Mark had no clue. 

“Is that some sort of weird chair?” Mark asked. Ethan barked a laugh at the question, then shut himself up and looked to Felix like he felt like he needed permission to laugh at all. Felix just waved him off.

“Show him how it works,” he said, which was like telling Ethan that god existed. The kid loved to talk about the tech Robin was showing him these days. “I’ve got to organize a supply run for tonight, keep yourself preoccupied.”

“Wait, am I going with?” Ethan asked even as he was walking towards Mark with the computer, holding it out, ready to teach.

“Like hell I’d bring you,” Felix said. Mark read that as an insult, Ethan read it as a saving grace. He hated going out of the farmlands needlessly and had told Felix as much when he’d first arrived and gone on a botched cable lay that had ended up with two dead and Ethan learning that he actually hated the color red. “Brad and Sive,” Felix told Ethan, because Jack wasn’t his to order and Brad was the second best medic. 

“Be safe out there,” Ethan said as Felix left. The sentiment actually seemed sincere and Felix felt a smile tugging at his lips.

. . .

“Farmers were able to get the artificial lighting back up,” the woman handing them the bags of freeze-dried foods was saying. “Fertilizer production is back, so there are some apples in there! And plenty of potatoes for you, and mushrooms. Should be enough for the next week.”

Felix nodded along with the information as he watched the window just beyond, keeping an eye on the streets. The acid rain was falling strong again, meaning they wouldn’t be able to take to the rooftops if any Enforcers thought they looked shifty, as Sive was missing three fingers on his left hand and couldn’t lift himself up pipes without aid. Felix had made sure Brad and Sive had forgone their favorite jackets that bore the Raven of Odin patch on the left sleeve. A design by one of the first women to support their cause who had died long ago in an organized leveling of the lower levels of the West district. While no one really knew of the rebel group behind most of the disarray happening these days aside from supporters and sympathizers, Enforcers didn’t like the look of any symbol of organized group efforts. 

Sive was standing guard at the door and Brad was upstairs, trying to make the man who co-owned the store take some form of Merits in repayment. Felix had long ago given up on trying to actually pay for things. Most people in the district agreed with the cause, while a select few went above and beyond to actually support them. “It’s the least we could do,” they would always say. Felix wouldn’t argue. 

“You kids are being safe, right?” she asked, even though she knew full well that Felix was twenty-four. Felix was sure everyone in Odin’s Chosen looked young to her. Just kids fighting the wars that the old had created, taking responsibility for other’s mistakes. “There are so few of you as there is.”

“We’re managing,” Felix told her. Jack liked to keep reports of their wounded and lost to a minimum. Something about morale to encourage continued support. Felix knew Jack saw everyone as someone wanting something, but Felix was pretty sure this woman in front of him was just genuinely concerned. Felix lowered his voice. He could barely hear himself over the acid rain. “Have you heard anything?”

“Enforcers are instating curfew,” she whispered. “Twenty-one-hundred. No lights are allowed. Not even street lamps.”

“They want to hide something?”

“Maybe.”

“Are the trade routes out of the gates still closed?”

“All but A-1.”

The main gate. The one the Chairwoman resided in, sitting in her tall tower and putting herself, oddly enough, in harms way. Felix had always been puzzled by that. Felix nodded, because that had been the only gate that was open for a long time, for as long as Felix remembered. If anything, no news was good news. 

“Come back next week,” she told him. “They’re growing wheat. We may have bread!”

She seemed so excited. Felix resolved not to accept any bread from her so she could give it to her own children, two little girls, barely five and still seeing the streets as a play area. He only nodded and mumbled his thanks, taking the last bag and handing it to Brad, who came down the stairs with a disappointed expression. “He wouldn’t take it,” Brad huffed, looking to the woman. “You never do.”

She laughed and waved him off while Brad looked a little sad at the sound. Felix was sure he missed his mother. She had starved to death. “We still clear?” Brad asked. Felix shrugged and rapped his knuckles on the door. Sive knocked back, meaning they were good. Felix nodded sharply to Brad, who went out first, the bag thrown over his shoulder. 

“Next week,” the woman said, looking to Felix earnestly. “Promise me we’ll see you again next week.”

Now Felix knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she didn’t want anything from them. She just cared too much. “Next week,” he swore before going out into the streets after Brad. He wondered if he would actually be able to keep that promise.

“Why do they all like you so much?” Brad asked with a huff as Sive walked ahead, acting like a guard. Felix didn’t know why Sive was so on edge, considering their run was more than halfway over and he hadn’t seen any sort of suggestion to threats so far. Sive usually had very good instincts, but Felix liked to think he was wrong today for being so alert. 

“I don’t talk much,” Felix replied to Brad, shouldering his bag into a more comfortable position. “You talk _too_ much.”

“Maybe cause you haven’t got a damn smart thing to say.”

Felix almost smirked. “All men’s miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone.”

Brad scrutinized Felix. “There you go with those invisible textbooks. Which ghost said that?”

“Blaise Pascal,” Felix replied. “A French mathematician.”

“And what did he do?”

“Invented mathematic concepts. Philosophized. He was Catholic and made theories about morality and invented things. He created Pascal’s Triangle, a math thing, and Pascal’s Wager, which is the idea that humans make a bet on whether or not god exists with their lives as the price.” Felix shrugged. “No one important anymore.”

“All sounds rather stuffy, if you ask me.” Brad sniffed and looked around. “But, uhm. Could you tell me more about that one thing? The thing we were talking about earlier.”

This was what Felix liked about Brad. Brad was a learner, like Mark, whenever he thought no one was around to listen and judge him for being curious. And Brad’s favorite thing to learn about were birds.

They didn’t have birds anymore, and Felix was sure no one had seen one in generations. Felix wasn’t even sure how he knew what they looked like, or how he could picture one flying in his mind’s eye, but he could see it, clear as day, if he let his thoughts wander. Felix sometimes wondered if they’d be able to see a bird if they were able to breach the Carbon sky, but he had little hope for the world beyond their making. 

“We were talking about Kestrels, right?” Felix asked. “The smallest bird of prey in the United States.”

Brad nodded and watched the ground as they walked side by side, slipping into a focused mindset he used when he wanted to remember everything he heard. Felix found it funny how Brad could take in information that barely made sense. Brad didn’t even know what the United States were.

“They’re fantastic birds because they can hover in completely still air,” Felix told him. “And they face into the wind. Their plumes differ depending on gender. They got really used to humans, so they lived in urban areas and were a common sight in its natural habitats. They didn’t build their own nests, they just used the nests other birds had made.”

“Does that count as a para, para…”

“Parasite?”

“Yeah.”

Felix frowned and thought about it. “I wouldn’t think so. A parasite not only feeds off its victim, but also harms it in the process, like isopods living inside fish. Kestrels don’t necessary kill other birds for use of their nests, they just make do with old ones. Birds don’t always return to their original nests for breeding. Most build new ones for new hatchings because building a nest is usually part of the mating process. So no, I wouldn’t say Kestrels are parasitic at all.”

Felix watched Brad nod as he digested the information. Felix rarely found someone who wasn’t intimidated by the uncontrollable and inexplicable encyclopedia of knowledge Felix had. Being accepted and even encouraged always felt so nice. And the way Brad always seemed eager to learn more about his favorite subject made Felix feel useful. 

He was about to tell Brad about Kestrels having ultraviolet sensitivity when Brad’s head suddenly burst into a mess of red and pink. Felix stared at where Brad’s head used to be. What was left was a mess of shattered bone and torn flesh, singed at the edges and smelling like freshly cooked meat. Felix could see his bottom teeth and the flailing of a severed tongue. Whatever was left in Brad’s lungs escape with an inhuman gurgle before the body dropped to the ground. 

Felix stared at that, too. People around him were screaming and running, a frantic mess of panic, but he couldn’t move. He just stared down at what used to be Brad and tried to think. Something warm touched his lips and he reflexively darted his tongue out to clean away whatever it was. He tasted iron. He touched his fingers to his face and they came away red. Beyond Brad, a woman was shot in the stomach and a large, singed hole was left behind as she also dropped. 

“I told you to get down!”

Felix jolted back into reality when Sive tackled him to the ground, knocking the wind from his lungs. Shots flew overhead, bright red and hot. Felix spurred into action, turning onto his hands and knees and crawling for cover. He hid behind a generator, standard issue in front of all residence buildings. Sive kept his body over Felix’s, bracing himself above Felix and aiming shots over the generator while ducking his head to take cover. 

“Are you hurt?” Sive asked him. Felix stared owlishly up at Sive, then took out his weapon as an afterthought. Something ugly turned over in his chest, a desire to do what had been done to Brad to whoever deserved it. “Are you fucking okay?!” Sive demanded, louder, a shout over all the screaming. 

“I’m fine!” Felix shouted back, pissed off. He turned over and aimed his sights alongside Sive’s, taking out one of the monsters with the weapons aimed at ordinary people. Adleists extremists— Felix could tell by the two blades carved into their necks. How the fuck they got into the West district, Felix would never know. 

“Thank fuck,” Sive said as he took out two as easy as breathing. “Jack would’ve killed me if you’d gotten hurt.”

The whirr of spinning blades drowned out the screaming as spotlights turned on and zeroed in on the extremists. A booming warning to put down their weapons was all they got before the enforcer AFPs above opened fire, the pod’s AI taking out each extremist with an accurate shot to the base of the spine, immobilizing all use of weaponry and escape while still keeping them alive for questioning. If the extremist was facing the pod, then the shot just went through their stomach. The Enforcers didn’t need all of them alive anyways. 

“Let’s go,” Sive whispered into Felix’s ears. He darted to Brad’s body and grabbed the bag that was stained with Brad himself and then took Felix by the arm, running down the streets. 

“Sewers, sewers,” Felix said, spotting an old manhole cover. The sewers were all connected to the farming lands, waste being sorted and expedited for fertilizer production. They could get out of the city faster through the pipes that were barely big enough to crouch in.

“My fucking back,” Sive groaned proactively. He let go of Felix’s arm and they lifted the manhole cover together. “You first,” Sive ordered. “News of this shit show will reach home before we do. Your face better be the first one they see.”

Felix just dropped into the pipes and crouched low. His eyes didn’t even need to adjust to the dark. All pipes led home.

. . .

Jack was silent upon hearing Sive’s report of the disaster. The food they’d brought home laid forgotten at their feet. Felix still had his LAR in his hand— he’d crawled through the pipes clutching it, unable to shove down the adrenaline of the fight. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to uncurl his fingers even now. Like rigor mortis. 

Jack sighed heavily, drawing in Felix’s attention. “Was he patched?”

Sive shook his head. “Felix didn’t want us wearing the insignia on a food run. He said it would draw too much attention.”

Jack nodded his approval. “Good thinking.” He looked over Sive, checking for injuries. “You’re all set,” he told the man. “Go get cleaned up and get t' bed early. I don’t want you in the range for twenty-four hours. I need ye' in steady shape for tomorrow.”

Sive rolled his eyes. “Man, I’m fine—”

“You’re not,” Jack interrupted harshly. “Don’t lie to me.”

Sive sobered. “… Ten hours?”

“Fifteen.”

“Fine.” Sive sighed, turned back to Felix to give him a stiff nod, and then left. Robin stepped into the room as Sive stepped out. Robin glanced at Felix, then cut his eyes away and went to Jack’s side. Sometimes Felix regretted introducing the two, even though the situation had necessitated it. Robin would obviously be the first to try and convince Jack to leave Felix behind if a need for it rose. 

“With the loss of Brad, that leaves only Signe as medical,” Robin told Jack. “We need to consider asking a refugee above to take his place and start some sort of schooling. It was stupid to send one of our only two medics out, and everyone is supposed to understand that.” Robin shook his head. “Brad never should have agreed, he knew better.”

Felix tried not to bristle under Robin’s near-direct criticism. Felix had brought the medic in case they ran into any citizens that were injured or sick. Brad liked having the chance to help those people. 

“Brad followed his orders,” Jack replied. “It’s done.”

“But if we only have one medic, what happens when we lose her? Signe is crucial to the hub missions, if she falls out there, we’ll be dead in the water.”

“We can’t ask a refugee when they’ve already made it clear they can’t handle the stress.”

“And we can’t let someone’s stupid decision ruin us,” Robin argued. “They’re up there taking what we have and expecting to give nothing in return, one of them must understand the gravity of what we give to them, freely! Felix was the one who put us in this mess, so he should be the one to—”

“I’m right here,” Felix interrupted. 

“I know that,” Robin replied. “You should know you were stupid.”

Felix took in a deep breath to steady himself. “I made my decision based on the level of risk in going out into the city with minimal protection. If one of us were to be injured, we would have needed Brad to patch us up.”

“He can’t patch anyone up now that he’s dead!”

“He chose to go—”

“He told me he was ordered—”

“Robin, stop.” Jack’s voice was cold. “Brad went because I told him to accompany Felix on any assignment that Signe wouldn’t be present. The orders he was given were mine.”

Robin looked to Jack, wide eyed. “Why would you do something like that?”

Jack glared at Robin. “I’ll talk to ye’ later.”

“No, you can’t just—”

“Goodbye, Robin.”

Robin clenched his hands into fists and left in a rush, jostling Felix harshly with his shoulder, leaving it clear who he still blamed. Maybe Felix hadn’t given the order, but he’d been the reason for the orders to exist. Felix watched Jack run a hand through his hair with a weary expression. “Why did you tell Brad to do that?” Felix asked. Because Robin’s blame was spot on. Brad had died because of him, in the end. Felix just wanted to know why. 

“You’re not t’ go into the city without medical support,” Jack replied. “If ye’ need to go into the city for any reason, Signe’s t’ go with you from now.”

Felix turned this over slowly in his head. “My friend is dead,” he told Jack in a whisper. “I thought I had made a bad decision that took his life, but now I’m finding out that it’s worse than that. My stupid mistake didn’t kill him. My existence did.”

Jack looked to him with stony eyes. The beautiful blue looked almost grey in this room. “Get yerself cleaned up. You’re covered in blood.”

“ _I’m covered in Brad_ ,” Felix corrected and he saw Jack stiffen. “Do you even care?”

“I have things to do, Felix.”

Felix’s breath hitched. There was no one else in this small room but him and Jack. The concrete surrounded was frigid and Felix wanted to curl up in a corner and stop being himself. “Do you remember when you used to care that I was hurting?”

“Fuck.” Felix flinched at the harshness in Jack’s voice, but didn’t move away when Jack suddenly strode towards him with purpose. He blinked slowly in wonder as Jack tore his shirt off from over his head, leaving him in a tight black tank that hugged every inch of his torso like second skin. Jack bundled the shirt up, bringing it to his mouth to wet the cloth before putting it to Felix’s face and wiping away blood. “I’ll do it for ye’,” Jack told him. “I don’t want you near any weapons for the next fifteen hours, same as Sive.” 

Jack cleaned his face and Felix shut his eyes so he wouldn’t be caught staring at the man before him. He felt broken at the edges. He wouldn’t be able to be as controlled as he normally was when this close to Jack. “Did ye' have t’ kill anyone?”

“Course I did,” Felix replied.

Jack finished his task quickly and Felix heard the shirt be dropped thoughtlessly to the ground, even though clothes were actually pretty limited and Jack shouldn’t be so careless. Felix opened his eyes when warmth enveloped his hand that was holding the LAR so tightly his fingers were white. Felix looked down and watched Jack gingerly uncurl Felix’s numb from around the grip. “Let go, Felix,” Jack ordered. Felix did. Jack took the weapon from him and put it into the back of his pants. Felix didn’t dare let himself look because he knew Jack wouldn’t miss the way Felix would inevitably stare at the curves of Jack’s hips. 

“Get some rest,” Jack said. “I don’t want to see yer face for fifteen.”

Felix hoped Jack only half meant that. He hung his head and needed a lie for comfort. “Just tell me it wasn’t my fault.” 

“It wasn’t your fault,” Jack told him firmly. “It was mine.”

Felix’s head snapped up. “Shut up.”

“It was,” Jack insisted. “And it’ll be my fault if Signe dies too. It’ll be my fault whenever we lose people around you, and as I know this, I refuse to change my decision. You don’t go into the city alone.”

Felix felt that ugly thing stirring in his gut again. “Do you not value any life at all?”

Jack scoffed. “Only one.”

Felix had heard enough. He turned and left, digging his nails into the palm of his hands. He tried to understand why Jack was making these decisions, but couldn’t. Felix locked himself away in his empty room and ran over the list of everything he knew about Kestrels in memory of Brad, and to distract himself from the apathy that Jack showed. Sometimes he hated himself for still loving Jack through Jack’s inhumanity.

. . .

That night, there was a knock on his wall. Felix left his room to break his promise to Jack.


	2. Roswell's Spell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dropout teased a new song and it's my damn jam my dudes
> 
> this chapter has the prostitution elements with references to survival sex and all of that drama
> 
> be safe my dudes the world is dark and cold but cheerwine is fantastic
> 
> also shoutout to **carsandtelephones37** for perfectly describing the dynamic between Jack and Felix in this: _"his perception of Jack vs. Jack's perception of Felix makes me laugh, cause Jack seems very 'protect this boi, he is a smol birb and I will kill anyone who hurts him' where Felix comes across as more 'Jack may be a reckless 12 year old but I will lay down my life for him in an instant'"_ and yeah this is 100% accurate

Felix was pulling on the uncomfortable clothes he hated to look at when Mark slipped into his room, trying to look innocuous. Felix raised a brow at the man as he slipped the tight material down over his torso. Mark’s eyes went down Felix’s body. He’d been here three days, yet even he knew Felix wasn’t one to dress like this for anything. Felix quickly pulled on a second sweater to hide the first shirt. “Can I help you?”

“I, I had some questions,” Mark said, pulling his eyes away. “Amy’s usually busy, Jack’s kinda scary, and no one else seems, uhm. I mean, either I don’t trust what they know, or they wouldn’t trust me to answer me.”

Felix nodded as he brought his feet up onto the bed to fasten the uncomfortable, clunky boots. He pulled on a second pair of baggier cargo pants to cover the uncharacteristic clothing, hiding them until the time called. “Ask away.” It was actually a little nice to know Mark felt like Felix was someone not only knowledgable, but trustworthy. 

“Why do you need to go after the hubs?”

Felix paused. Mark took the pause as hesitation, when really Felix was just cataloguing his thoughts. “If you think I’m really not allowed to know—”

“What do you know about them?” Felix asked. “I wanna make sure I don’t waste your time by rehashing anything.”

“Three major religions in the continent,” Mark said, now visibly eager. Maybe he wanted to impress. “Adleists, Sun Walkers, and Philistines. The Sun Walkers have a hub in the West District, Adleists in the Eastern, and Philistines in the North. They’re responsible for organized festivals and are government funded to support orphanages and wounded in the latest incidents, along with providing social and community support. There are extremists, but none of the hubs actually condone any of the actions and have even taken public safety efforts against them, protecting people even if they follow a different religion.” Mark took a breath. “They’ve only ever been beacons of good, from what I’ve seen my whole life. Why would you want to destroy them?”

“Robin found out they were sending reports,” Felix replied. “Mainly from the figureheads, sometimes from the smaller leaders. Not everyone entirely, so it’s not like we’re trying to wipe out all followers, but the leaders aren’t to be trusted. We’re taking out the hubs and following where the leaders evacuate to. We know their protocol is to go to the other hubs first, so we already know they’re working together in something. We need to take them out and follow who they run to.”

Mark frowned. “You mean all three religions— all of which have psychos killing other psychos and innocents from different religions— are working together? Why?”

Felix shrugged. He’d never been entirely sure.

“What reports are they sending?”

“Social and economic statuses,” Felix replied. “They report on different areas and sectors that have higher levels of crime, or what types of crime stick to certain areas. And then, those areas are always ‘attacked’ by Omerians. Surely you’ve noticed. People don’t understand that the lower classes are just as low as the middle in certain ways. And some areas within the lower are different in worse ways. They’re taking out the bad shit.”

“Who is?”

“The Chairwoman.”

Mark nodded. Felix thought he was very accepting of learning that the powers that be essentially wanted to purge their citizens. Then again, most people who learned this were easily accepting of the concept. No one ever really trusted any governmental figurehead. Felix had knew as much, and was beginning to theorize that it was a part of human instinct. 

“You okay?” Felix asked anyways.

Mark nodded. “I was taught to be grateful for my status, but to never forget that I could lose it just as easily to the whim of those above and beside. I know she can’t be trusted.”

Felix was now impressed. “Smart man,” he said. “Have you ever been into Central?”

Mark shook his head.

Felix smirked just the tiniest bit, walking past Mark to leave his room and putting a hand on Mark’s shoulder as he did. “You’re in for a treat.”

. . .

The rain had let up for today, and Tyler happened to have a shipment going over Central in time for the Changing of the Lights. The city would have its blackout for the sky switch. It lasted thirty-seven seconds, giving them time to drop from the cargo pod, unseen, so long as everyone was fast enough. Felix would be the first to make the jump, as always. There would be a temporary stall in overhead traffic for the changing, too, but Jack still leaned on Felix’s footing more than anyone else’s.

“Don’t hesitate,” Felix told Mark and Ethan. They were watching Felix attentively, studying the way Felix was telling them to bend their knees when they hit the rooftop they were aiming for. “Maybe you’ll hit harder if you don’t give yourself time, but hitting the roof hard is better than missing the target completely and hitting the ground instead. Just follow my lead. Ethan is jumping after me, followed by Mark. Then Signe, then Sive, then Jack. Got it?”

“How do you keep your glasses from falling off?” Ethan asked. Felix stared at him, silently willing Ethan to get his head in the game and stop asking random questions. Ethan shrugged, eyes darting from Felix to the ground. “Just, just wondering.”

“Stop harassing him,” Jack snapped.

“It was an innocent question.”

“Don’t distract him. If he misses his jump cause of yer dumb fuckin’ ‘innocent’ question, I’m breaking yer fuckin’ neck. If Felix misses, then that means the rest of us are going down too because his landing is the one we’re following. You’re not gonna be the reason this entire fucking op goes south just because you can’t keep your shit together.”

Ethan’s eyes went wide as Felix sighed at Jack’s overreaction. “Like I could miss,” he drawled. “Have a little faith.” Jack glared at him, then turned back to Signe and Amy, talking with a low voice. Felix let himself watch just for a moment, pretending not to care about how Signe kept trying to stand closer to Jack than necessary, and look up at him with her big, earnest eyes. She kept reaching out to touch his arm, but never went through with the action. Felix almost rolled his eyes. He’d give too much away if he did. He looked back to Mark and Ethan and was about to tell them how to keep from breaking their wrists when landing when Jack interrupted him to address Mark harshly.

“How do we know we can trust your supplier?” Jack asked, though Felix felt like he was a little late to worry about _that_. “Ye’ve gotten our retinas to them successfully, but how can we know they’ll keep their end and meet up with Felix’s contact? Who I’d still like t’ know the name of.” Felix did roll his eyes this time when Jack gave him a pointed look. Jack didn’t need to know everything about everything. “How do we know we won’t be left up shit creak?”

“We can trust them,” Mark said, still trying to mimic Felix.

“And are you willing to bet your life on that? Our lives?”

“My mother would never let me down.”

The cargo box went silent as Mark and Jack traded gazes, electricity shooting through the air, palpable in the tension. Felix’s eyes darted between the two, ready for some sort of fight, because that was Jack’s gut reaction these days when mothers were mentioned. Mark wasn’t backing down, either. 

“Jack, please,” Signe said. “We need to focus.”

Jack only glanced at her for a second. He looked back to Mark and opened his mouth, ready to start that fight. Felix stepped in front of Mark, kept his gaze down, made it look careless as he went down to check the inner lining of the stupidly tight pants he was wearing underneath the first layer. Immediately the tension was cut away as Jack took a step back, muttering under his breath. Felix chanced a look up and saw Jack was facing away from everyone. Mark was looking down at Felix with a question in his eyes. Felix only shrugged.

“One minute,” Sive chimed in helpfully from where he was watching the drama with Amy. “Should probably lift the door, yeah?”

“Leave it till the last,” Felix said. “Wouldn’t want to freak anyone out.” Little did anyone know, Jack was afraid of heights. 

“Oh thank god,” Ethan said. Apparently Ethan was too.

“What if I break my ankles?” Mark asked.

“I’ll carry you,” Amy told him, moving to stand beside him, squaring her shoulders and facing the lift-gate. “Signe, in front of me. I’m gonna be on your ass, okay? Don’t choke. It’s only a couple meters.”

God, was everyone here scared of heights? Felix suddenly questioned Jack’s choice in his selected group. At least Sive and Amy were capable. “When we hit, we’re gonna glide down the rooftop,” Felix told Mark and Ethan. “You’ll get launched off the edge— be sure to kick off. We’re heading for the balcony at the other side.”

“Wait, _what_ ,” Ethan stressed.

“Ten seconds,” Sive almost sang.

“Lift the gate,” Jack said.

The door was flung upwards and they were greeted with complete darkness, black as the carbon sky. Felix leaped out of the cargo pod without hesitation, shutting his eyes to the air rushing past as he fell. His feet hit solid steel and he rolled with his landing, sliding down the side of a roof that he couldn’t actually see. He heard screaming behind him, but it was barely audible over the stalled traffic overhead. Felix went off the edge of the building and, for a moment, was suspended in midair. He kept his eyes shut. He pretended he was a Kestrel. 

He hit the balcony with seamless grace, rolling again and opening his eyes as he stood fluidly with the momentum. Felix turned around in time to see Ethan flying towards him with a high pitched scream, his arms flailing. Felix meant to catch him until he looked past Ethan to where the others were following. Ethan hit hard, Mark landed just beside him, but Signe— Signe wasn’t going fast enough. She was launched into the air, but her hesitation in her first landing had slowed her down. She was going to hit the railing and fall. 

Felix threw himself forward just as her hands slipped uselessly off the railing in her attempt to save her life. Felix bent himself over the metal bar, constricting air in his lungs as he grabbed her by the wrist and held on fast. He thanked god it hadn’t been raining. She surely would have slipped from his grasp. Signe cried out something, her voice cracking with terror, as Felix threw down his other hand to grab onto some other place on her. He heard more bodies land just beside him, and then another person joined him in lifting Signe up. The relief on Signe’s face told Felix it was Jack.

“Fuckin’ hell, Felix,” Jack hissed as he took Signe’s other hand, which she had eagerly thrown up at him to help pull her up. Almost like she’d been willing to wait for someone better than Felix to try to save her. But that was just too ridiculous.

Signe’s feet skidded on the side of the building as they lifted her over the railing and onto steady ground. She was breathing heavily and not speaking, even as Amy demanded to know if she was hurt. “Thank you, Jack,” Signe finally got out, looking up at Jack like he was her angel.

Felix turned away from the scene, because he had a god damn job to do and wasn’t bitter at all.

“That could’ve been awful,” Ethan said. 

“How did you see her in the dark?” Mark asked.

Suddenly the world was bathed in bright, colorful light, blinding Felix temporarily and making his vision blur behind the cracked lenses of his glasses. He squinted and shielded his eyes from the worst of the light with a hand over his eyes. The artificial sky disconnecting Central from the carbon above shone with imaginary constellations and fabricated planets hovering so close it almost felt like you could reach out to touch them.

Surrounding buildings lit up with neon, words and drawings and even intricate renditions of paintings that only Felix could name decorated all of the city, making you feel like you were in a fairy tale land. Transportation tubes lit up with their specific pattern of yellow and white blinking lights, and the suspended pools in living quarters reflected an ethereal blue on the ground below. The streets were dancing with color, LED lights showing footsteps of people below. 

Beside him, Mark looked on in awe. “This is incredible,” he said. 

“Imagine getting to see this every day,” Ethan sighed.

Amy shook her head. “I’d have trouble falling asleep.”

“And _I’d_ have trouble coping with the fact that most of it’s blood money,” Jack grumbled. “We’re here for a reason. Felix is t’ meet up with the contact, get the permits, and then we’re back out. Tyler set up our rendezvous five floors below, with a message courier.”

“Message courier?” Mark repeated. “What’s that?”

“These fuckers are so rich they’re bored of the automated shit,” Sive explained. “They have a fancy time using paper when they want to talk to each other.”

“Like you did for me,” Amy said.

“Of course, but that was for an emergency. They just use paper for no reason other than entertainment?”

“Gotta love Central,” Jack huffed.

“Where do they even get the trees?”

“They can grow them in buildings,” Felix replied. “It’s a recent thing. That’s why the farmers had an issue with their artificial lighting— Central was rerouting power for themselves.”

Mark looked horrified. “Wait, the agricultural drought was because of _them?_ ”

“We don’t have time t’ explore why these people are greedy leeches,” Jack snapped. “Felix, are we meeting yer contact or not?”

Felix ducked his head and nodded. He wished he had more time to teach Mark what he wanted to know. Felix pushed open the door of the balcony and was immediately affronted by the sharp stench of alcohol and sweat. The bass that had been muted by the noise proofing fabrics inside was blasted through with the opened doors. Felix could almost feel his teeth rattling in his skull and grimaced. He hadn’t missed these kinds of places.

He walked inside, grateful for the spot his contact had chosen him to drop in on. The balcony they’d landed on was kept away from most of the busy spots of the club, tucked away in a dark corner, while the rest of the club bled red with strobes and lights. The air was hazy with a low-potency aphrodisiac that only affected anyone with an intoxication level over point-one. The balcony was part of the second level that was really an inner deck wrapped around the room, showing the dance floor and public lounge area below. Felix scanned the gyrating bodies before he spotted his contact lounging on the couch with a girl hanging off his side. 

Felix shut his eyes, breathed in the familiar fetor, and slipped back into the mindset he’d avoided for years. He ignored the others behind him and started to strip, taking off layers. His jacket left, then the sweater above that, leaving the tight black thing he’d pulled on specifically for the moment. It clung to his torso like skin and the neck only went as far as the end of his shoulders, showing off his sharp collar bone and neck. 

He stepped out of the cargo pants, tucking the black shirt into the black, skinny pants, tightening his belt beyond what he would normally necessitate. He pushed his hands through his hair and dug his teeth harshly into his lower lips, reddening and swelling it up, making it appear slick and full and tantalizing. He tugged at the front of his pants to make sure they showed off his hips how he needed them to. 

Felix knew what he looked like. Felix knew what people would think. He could feel eyes boring into the back of his head, judgmental and sharp. Felix forced himself to breathe and act normal. It wasn’t like he wasn’t used to people looking at him like he was the trash under their feet in the streets. Jack was standing beside him. His opinion was the only one that really mattered.

When Felix took off his glasses and folded them gently, he handed them to Jack to hold and felt his blood run cold at how Jack was looking at him. There was only shock. Wide and open shock, emphasized by Jack’s huge eyes and slack mouth. Felix didn’t know how Jack actually felt about what Felix was wearing and what it meant beyond the fact that Jack didn’t know what he felt either. Not yet. Something sharp tugged at Felix’s chest, but he ignored it. He pushed his glasses into Jack’s chest and said, “keep the safe for me,” then stepped around Jack and to the stairs, heading into the fray of people. He kept his jaw stiff as he tried not to worry over what he’d seen. He had a fucking job to do.

Felix let his hips sway as he moved through the crowd with ease. As he slipped between people, he felt more and more eyes be drawn to him, though not like the ones on the second floor. These people were looking at his face and chest and hips and ass, thinking about what they would do to him, how much they would pay for him, how much they’d like to see their name on his skin. Hands “accidentally” brushed the sensitive skin of his inner forearms as he sauntered through the crowd, strangers groping his hips and thighs, even pushing their bodies up against his in the hopes of catching his attention. Felix couldn’t blame them for what they were trying to do to him. It was Felix’s fault for dressing this way.

He walked up the steps that led to the platform of the public lounge with deliberate slowness, letting his body move like waves. Felix looked to his contact and smiled slowly, a welcoming, warm expression coming over his face, like he was happy to see his favorite customer. He ran his hands through his hair again, letting his arms come up so his lithe torso could be seen and appreciated. His contact sat back and pushed the girl at his side away, opening his legs.

“And who might you be?” Ken asked, his voice rumbling low from years of cigars and shouting.

“That depends,” Felix replied, his own voice sultry and light. He watched as a woman on a couch close to him looked up at the sight and sound of him. Felix thanked god Ken had guaranteed Felix’s actual safety in this trade. The two armed guards that stood alert behind Ken on the couch were watching the people around Felix with a threat in their eyes. “Who do you want me to be tonight?” Felix asked as he lowered himself to his knees between Ken’s legs, looking up at the man through his lashes. He was relieved to smell only ash on the man’s breath. He was sober. 

“I think your regular old self will suit me just fine.” Ken reached down and took Felix by the back of his neck. His hands were cold and his fingers were rough from years of labor. They scratched and made Felix’s skin crawl, but he knew this game. Felix tilted his head back obediently as the man swooped down to claim Felix’s mouth, pushing his tongue inside and taking what was rightfully his in this scene. Felix kept his expression from contorting and wrapped his arms around Ken’s neck, moaning softly into the kiss. 

“You’ve got a lot of eyes on you,” Ken murmured into his mouth, business as always. One of Ken’s hands slid down Felix’s torso, playing at the front of his jeans. Felix made a show of rocking into the touch, bowing his spine and letting out a loud gasp. “Just can’t help yourself, can you?” The hand slid down past the tight cinch of Felix’s belt and Felix fought instinct, wishing he could have worn undergarments for this, but the tightness of his clothes wouldn’t have allowed it. He knew Ken was making good on his end of the bargain. They had to make this realistic. “You always were too good at this.”

The hand disappeared from Felix’s pants and two large hands took Felix by the waist, easily lifting him up into Ken’s lap. Felix yelped, because Ken hadn’t been the one to lift him. A booming laugh sounded behind him, followed by a man saying, “I think your boy needs a little encouragement.” A large, warm body pressed up against Felix’s back, the hardness of a stranger’s arousal digging into the base of his spine.

From in his lap, Ken beneath Felix could easily see the fear in Felix’s eyes. This was too far for their agreement, too far for Felix to ever go again. No one else was supposed to intervene. Ken’s eyes sharpened and there was a glint of light in the space by Felix’s left ear before he heard the quiet sound of a knife being drawn. The blade hummed with energy, a special weapon that would cauterize any wound it made. Painful for the sake of pain. The man behind Felix quickly stopped laughing and let go of him. “Find your own Exotic,” Ken growled, putting an arm around Felix’s shoulders to draw him into his chest. “I paid for his whole night. You’re not getting in on my deal, ya’ sick cunt.”

Felix heard the man fumble an apology and flee. In that moment, all Felix wanted to do was sink into this warm embrace and take a few moments to collect himself, but an Exotic was used to men and women like that and wouldn’t be phased, so neither could Felix. He lifted his head and pressed his lips back into Ken’s, showing his gratitude with a slow roll of his hips into Ken’s firm stomach. “Thank you,” he breathed, going for sexy, but ending up a little too sincere. At least he couldn’t feel Ken’s cock against him. At least Ken was keeping his head on straight. “Just not really keen on sharing you tonight,” Felix added, making himself smile again. He felt hands on his hips again, but he could see they were Ken’s. He was fine. He would be okay.

“Let’s get somewhere a little more private, yeah?” Ken did as the man before, lifting Felix with ease. He stood with Felix, who wrapped his legs around Ken’s waist to help him with his weight. Felix kept his arms around the man’s neck and returned to kissing him deeply, pulling at his hair and clothes, making a show of what they were going to do. Ken walked them to a back room with little grace and dropped Felix down onto the plush, red, satin bed, before turning to shut the door and lock it. 

“Fucking shit, Felix, I really did mean that,” Ken said, cool as could be now that they were alone. Felix sat up and crossed his legs, waiting expectantly for Ken to give him what he came for. His heart was racing from the stranger that had pressed against him before, and he hid the shaking of his hands by twisting his fingers in the satin sheets. “You should’ve stuck with this schtick back then. At least this line of work doesn’t put guns to your head. Could’ve been the Exotic that pervert was saying you are.”

“You’re just as much of a pervert as him,” Felix replied, watching Ken pull various things from his pockets. Felix was sure he’d dig out Felix’s permits soon, he just needed to give him the time to find them. “You were the one with your hand around my cock.”

Ken grimaced at how easily Felix said it. “I’m sorry for that, kid. My men think I’m fucking you right now. They’ve seen me with my consenting partners, they know what I’m like.”

“And by consenting partners, you mean…”

“You know I don’t pay for sex.” Ken let out a small noise of triumph as he fished a small data chip from one of his front, inner-jacket pockets. He held it out to Felix, but snatched it back as Felix reached out to take. “I gotta ask for another thing in return.” Felix tensed. He unconsciously hunched his shoulders, but kept his blue eyes on Ken, his chin up in defiance. When Ken didn’t immediately say anything, Felix moved to get down on his knees again. 

“Fucking fuck, kid, not that,” Ken rushed to say, much to Felix’s relief. “Jesus christ, you people are always so damaged. That ain’t what I want. Just promise me that the dude with the coat upstairs won’t come after me, yeah?”

Felix frowned. “Who do you mean?”

“The scary one. With the dark hair and shit. Couldn’t see much from the bottom floor, but he was one you handed your shit to.”

Felix nodded in understanding. “Jack. Why are you worried about him?”

Ken laughed incredulously. “What the hell, kid, did you not see the way he was looking at me? The fucker would slice my throat and bathe in the blood if the chance came up. Pretty sure he’d call for my head served on a silver platter. I know you kids have some aces up your sleeves. Promise I’m not gonna find a fucking bounty on my head tomorrow?”

“He wouldn’t do that.”

Ken laughed again. “Kid, I get that you used that whole innocent getup to turn tricks, but I know you’re not _fucking stupid._ He was three steps from tearing me a new one and laughing as he did it.”

Felix wished he could believe it. The shock in Jack’s face from before followed him. “How do you know he wasn’t looking at me like that too?” he asked quietly.

Ken sobered. “Shit. Did he not know?”

“None of them did. But they do now. The only good kind of cover in places like these is anything that involves taking your clothes off. No one’s gonna expect you to smuggle things under your shirt when it’s your job to let everyone expose you. It was unavoidable.” Felix held his hand out for the data chip. “Please?”

“You know better than to use those doe eyes with me, kid.” Ken sighed and handed it over. “I meant it, you know. If you’re ever done with that freedom fighting bullshit, you’ll have a job here. Won’t even have to deal with grabby fucks like that asshole. That hair and those eyes? You’re high end. You’d be picking your clients, not the other way around.”

“You know that I wouldn’t be seen as human to any of these people.”

Ken laughed mirthlessly. “Kid, people in Central don’t even know the meaning of the word.”

Felix nodded, rolling up the bottom of his pants to tuck the data chip away in the hidden pocket. He then stood and pulled that horribly tight black shirt off from over his head, grateful to be rid of it, even if it was temporary. He looked to Ken expectantly, raising his arms a little. “Well?” he prodded. “You wouldn’t want people thinking you’re bad at bedding. You’ve got a reputation to keep.” Felix gestured at his neck. “Fuck me up. Make it look real.”

Ken looked like he could be sick. “You should be getting paid for this. I’d feel less like a monster.”

“Monsters get shit done, at least,” Felix sighed in response. “Don’t make me beg.” He’d rather die. 

Ken matched Felix’s sigh and sat on the bed next to him, patting his thigh. “At least make yourself comfortable,” he told him. “Tell me if I go too far.”

Felix settled in his lap like he belonged there. He shut his eyes, clenched his jaw, and resolved not to tell Ken if he went too far, because it wouldn’t look real if Ken didn’t.

. . .

Felix stepped out of the room with all of the confidence you’d expect to find in someone who had just made a large sum of Merits for something as simple as a round of good sex. He made a show of stretching, showing off the marks on his sides and neck and shoulders that Ken had made for authenticity. Felix had even convinced the man to squeezed his hips just a little too hard, to the point where bruises would be blossoming red into purple by now. Felix felt the eyes on him, hungry wolves to raw flesh, and convinced himself it was an alibi. He pulled his shirt back on over his head and went into the crowd, heart trembling with the idea of fending for himself in his attempt to escape. There was no one his group on the second floor— not even Jack had waited for him.

A hand went to the small of Felix’s back, and he was seconds from catching whoever it was in the throat, when he chanced a glance in his peripherals and saw it was one of Ken’s guards. Words couldn’t describe the relief that swam through him. Felix smiled impishly up at the large man, casting an in-character, appreciative glance at the sculpted muscles tucked away into the tight black suit. “I need a smoke,” he told the man with an impish grin. “Walk me to the balcony?” 

He pointed to the second floor and the man nodded with a stiff grunt. Felix led the way through the crowd, but the large man at his back was what parted the people. No one dared to touch him when he was being so guarded so obviously by a man two times the size a normal human could achieve. Felix winked at him as he opened the balcony doors and stepped outside. “Don’t wait up,” he told the guard. “I’ve got another appointment in ten.” It went against their story a little, but Felix needed to make sure the man wasn’t expecting him to return. The guard just nodded and grunted again. Felix closed the door on him.

His shoulders dropped. The breath in his lungs heaved out in a long, cathartic rush. He drew it back in, reveling in the relatively “fresh” air of outside. Felix stood there for a few seconds, falling back into who he was. He really fucking did need that smoke, but he couldn’t risk the time to indulge and regroup. He turned around, half afraid to find no one there.

He found only Sive. He didn’t know if he was disappointed or not. Sive was leaning against the balcony Signe had nearly died to, looking out at the bright lights of Central, holding Felix’s clothes in his hands. Sive had once lived here, as a little kid. Felix knew only bits and pieces of the story, but he knew Sive loved this part of the continent in a way none of them would ever understand. 

“How much trouble am I in?” Felix asked, keeping his as tone neutral as could be. Sive looked up at him, then wordlessly handed Felix his glasses first. Felix quickly checked over the lenses for any further damage than the large crack across the left lens and the scratches on the right, the ones that splinted out from the arm like an impact wound. He put them on and looked around at the suddenly-too-clear world and felt a little dizzy at the new clarity of sensation. 

“They all went to the rendezvous,” Sive told Felix after a moment while Felix got dressed again.

Felix nodded. “Couldn’t stand to watch?”

Sive grimaced. He was quiet for a long moment and Felix could still feel his fucking eyes. It was making his skin crawl, his mind waver between fight or flight. He didn’t know if Sive hated him or not. 

“Felix,” Sive began, making Felix brace for impact. “If Jack gives you shit for what you did tonight, you come tell me.”

Felix blinked owlishly at the other man. “What?”

“What you did was ugly and awful, but it was necessary,” Sive went on. “I ain’t ever liked this side of Central, and I hate it even more now that I know you were forced to be a part of it. What you did wasn’t okay, but you did it for the right reasons. We would’ve been dead in the water if it weren’t for your contact, and I can tell you not a damn person in that shithole suspected what we were up to tonight. You put yourself through that shit for us and I’m grateful for the sacrifice you made to make sure we end this war with as few casualties as possible.”

Sive reached out slowly— so Felix could track his movement, so he wouldn’t be startled— and clapped him on the shoulder. “Fuck knows I wouldn’t’ve had the guts to do what you did. If anyone gives you shit, come to me and I’ll set them straight.” He pulled his hand from Felix’s shoulder, but the emotion of the friendly gestured remained in his eyes. “Now I’ve been hiding this fucking rope with my damn body for the past thirty minutes, and I think it’s time we crawled down and joined the others, yeah?”

Felix looked just beyond Sive to see where he’d been leaning on the railing and, apparently, hiding their escape route. Felix nodded, still a little dumb from earning Sive’s loyalty over Jack. He wet his lips and asked, “ever heard of Kestrels?”

. . .

Everyone ignored him, if not from their own choice. The message courier pod they were hiding in created a good amount of places to sit for the trip back, which Felix was grateful for. His legs were still a little shaky. He sat as far away from the rest of the group as he could with Sive standing in front of him, acting as another guard to keep Felix safe, after Felix had handed over the data chip to Ethan, who had then pressed the small button in the center and distributed to everyone their respective permits. Felix’s was sitting in his palm. He didn’t want to put it on just yet. It was dark, but Felix could still make out some faces. 

Mark kept looking at him like he wanted to ask, as did Amy, but they were both resolutely silent, probably thanks to the way Jack was trying to set the world on fire with his eyes. Felix hadn’t ever considered what Jack would do when he found out what Felix had used to do, but he hadn’t thought he’d only be angry at Felix for it. The realization hurt a little— a lot more than little— but it didn’t matter. Sive had been right. What Felix had done had been a necessary evil.

The courier had an “engine stall” above the farming deadzone, allowing them to jump to the dirt and rubble from a safe distance. They walked the final distance to home, and Felix was still widely ignored. He felt self-conscious of the marks that were visible on his neck. He felt like he shouldn’t feel that way. He’d done this for the cause. He didn’t deserve to be ostracized and judged for that. Didn’t Jack understand how hard that had been for Felix to do?

“It’s late,” Jack said, the first words Felix heard from him since Felix had stripped. “Everyone to bed. Now.”

His tone was rough and left no room for argument. Felix hesitated, though, and so did Sive, because he was still in protect-Felix mode, and that kinda felt amazing, but Felix knew he needed to talk to Jack. He gave a short nod to Sive, a dismissal. Sive made a face but left. Mark walked past Felix and put a hand on his elbow, then left too. When the lobby was empty, save for the two men, Felix opened his mouth to speak and was immediately interrupted.

“I told ye’ t’ go t’ bed.”

“Shouldn’t we talk about it?”

Jack turned to face him. Felix had never seen him so void of everything. “Fuck off.”

“Did you think that was easy for me to do?” Felix asked, a little affronted. “I hated it. People down there are monsters.” Jack just glared at him. “Why won’t you tell me what’s wrong?”

“I said— fuck off.”

Felix huffed. “Fine. Find me if you want to stop acting like a child. You know where I’ll be.” He turned around and left, then, because he knew Jack was stubbornly avoiding the subject until he could figure out the right things to say. Felix would give him whatever time he needed.

He went to his room and resolved to not wait for anyone on the other side. Felix laid in his uncomfortably soft bed and listed all of the reasons why sleeping on this awful mattress and stupid pillow was better for him. 

The ceiling was too close, though, and his room was cold. He felt far too much unlike himself and a tiny voice in his head told him that sleeping in the bed was like a wolf wearing the skin of a sheep. Pretending to be someone he wasn’t and taking on the role of a normal person, like a bad actor. Normal people slept in beds, right? Normal people didn’t sit in the laps of men and women to survive. 

But Felix wasn’t fucking normal and he was tired of pretending for so long. So he sat up and rolled onto the floor, dragging down only the blanket with him. The cold floor was a solid familiarity, realigning his spine and cooling his skin that was still heated from the anxieties of the day. He sighed as his bones slid back into their sockets in just the right way and reached up to the nightstand to grab his glasses and lie them down beside his head on the floor.

He got the best sleep he’d had in years that night.

. . .

The next morning was quiet, and Felix wasn’t sure why, considering he’d actually woken up rather late. His inner clock was telling him he should have eaten hours ago, which meant it was long past breakfast. Felix didn’t feel that bad for missing it. Instant eggs made him gag. He pulled on his normal clothes after his glasses, breathed deeply at the comfort of the threadbare sweater and how easily his lungs could work in it. It was a soft periwinkle color that Brad had once called girly, and Felix liked it. The sleeves went down to the last knuckles of his fingers and the bottom of the shirt went below his hips. He felt almost safe in this.

Felix left his room and wondered if he should be going somewhere specific. They had the permits now, he still had his on his nightstand. They were about to have their plans set into motion. Felix assumed there would be some sort of meet. 

He went around a corner to get to the stairwell and nearly ran into Signe. Felix stopped short and held his hands up, like he was showing he wasn’t going to touch her, because Signe always treated him like a threat. The smaller girl glared at him, which wasn’t new, but there was something nastier in her stance.

“Jack was with me last night,” she said, and that also wasn’t new. 

Jack had this thing where he would keep Signe up at night, sitting alone in a room at a table, sometimes drinking, sometimes eating, and Jack would just talk. He would think out loud. He’d run through his plans and concerns for what could go wrong and what needed to go right. Sometimes he’d talk about his actual worries and feelings. Signe took it all in with eagerness, drinking in Jack’s solitary attention and holding it over Felix’s head. She thought she was special. Important. More important than Felix, so she had a habit of telling Felix whenever she had one of her late night therapy sessions with Jack like she was reminding Felix of his place in Jack’s world.

“He told me about what happened last night.”

Now that caught Felix’s attention, but again, not surprised. Of course Jack would talk about what Felix had done. He was just a little perturbed that Jack had discussed Felix’s old life— a subject of privacy between them, or so Felix had thought— with someone else. Felix looked down at Signe and patiently waited for her to tell him what Jack had said. Signe was the kind of person that didn’t care about people’s trust in her loyalty to keep their secrets when she wanted to hurt other people with what she knew.

Signe was watching his expression, but Felix knew she would find nothing. “He told me what he thought about what you did,” she continued, wanting some sort of reaction from him, baiting him. “He and I agreed on a few things.”

“Good for you,” Felix said. “Anything else you wanna tell me?”

“He said you were disgusting.”

Felix flinched. The word sat heavy in his mind because he had no problem imaging Jack saying that word aloud, but his brain stuttered and failed to imagine Jack saying that word _about Felix._ For a moment, he told himself Signe was lying to get a rise out of him. But then he remembered the way Jack had talked to him last night.

“He said what you did was horrific and wrong,” she continued, barreling on carelessly. Felix almost thought she was smiling, so he knew he’d shown too much on his face. “He said that if you’d told him you had to do that to get us the permits, he wouldn’t have let you come. He said seeing those people on you and how you let them do it made him want to hurt you.”

Felix’s hand twitched at his side and he wanted to hurt someone too. He wanted to hurt Signe. He wanted to hurt _Jack._

How fucking _dare_ he talk about Felix’s personal life with Signe, how fucking dare he spill secrets that weren’t his to tell. How dare he expose these parts of Felix to someone who outwardly and proudly _hated him_ like Felix was just his to throw around and put on display. How fucking dare Jack do this to him. How fucking dare Jack betray him.

“Where is he?” Felix asked, his voice scraping low at the side of too much emotion.

Signe faltered, stepping back at the danger she was suddenly reading from a man who had never been anything but unfazed. “I, I don’t—”

“Where is he?” Felix bit out. 

“Upstairs,” she whispered. “They, there’s a meeting. About the Sun Walkers. You were supposed to be there, so I was sent—”

Felix pushed past her, not sorry when she hit the wall at the force of his movement. Her yelp of fear was satisfying to hear. He bounded up the stairs, anger making his hands shake, his vision dark at the edges. He burst into the war room, letting the door hit the concrete wall hard enough to chip it away, and barely paid mind to the ten people that didn’t fucking matter because Jack was standing among them and he was looking at Felix like he was a stranger. Felix barged through the small crowd to get in Jack’s face and hopefully turn that shock into something like the fear Signe had shown.

Felix barred his teeth and said, “if you’re gonna go around acting like I’m your property, do us both a favor and make it fucking official.”

Jack reared back like he’d been slapped, but quickly recovered with a furious expression of his own. “You didn’t have to do any of that shit last night. None of it.”

“So what, we have limits to how far we can go? We didn’t have any other fucking options! We need the permits to get to any of the other hubs and Mark’s supplier wouldn’t deal with anyone that wasn’t already a legal nightmare! If you aren’t willing to do whatever it takes, aren’t willing give up everything to win this war, then maybe you should have chosen an easier thing to fight for.”

Jack sneered and stepped forward into Felix’s face, shoving at Felix’s shoulder to get Felix to be the one to back away and put Jack back in control. “I’m willing to give up everything for this, ye’ fucking bastard. _You_ aren’t supposed to give up a damn thing! Doing _that_ was completely avoidable mistake! It ain’t like that was a role t’ play! You weren’t supposed to play pretend as some whore for us!”

Felix’s thoughts stalled. Jack was only referring to last night. Did he not…

“Wait.” Felix paused, incredulousness dawning in the form of a shaky smile. “You think this is the first time I’ve done that for you?” Jack’s expression shuttered. He was losing ground again. Felix laughed because he didn’t know what else to do with the sickly feeling in his chest. 

“What, did you think food just magically appeared in front of you at the end of the day, whenever you finally decided it time to come home after sorting through that fucking rubble?” Jack didn’t even the half of know what Felix had been through. “No one was into charity, Jack. No one cares about starving kids anymore. What, did you think it all came by out of luck? Or do you not remember? The bruises on my face, the catch in my throat, the way I’d toss and turn at night because everything hurt.” Felix’s smile broke as he watched panic dawn with Jack’s realization. “Don’t you remember how pretty I was at 15?”

Jack snapped his LARS up to Felix’s head, pressing the muzzle between Felix’s eyes. “Shut up,” he choked out.

Felix didn’t pay the weapon any mind— he was used to the sensation— but what stopped his tirade was the jaggedness to Jack’s expression, the way his eyes were wide with fright and horror. He was seconds from falling apart, in front of everyone. Felix let his cruel smile fade away, falling back into neutrality. He’d never meant to hurt Jack like this. He’d just wished Jack would understand how much of himself Felix was willing to give up for him. Felix tapped the long muzzle with two fingertips. “Safety’s on.” 

Jack didn’t move. He didn’t lower the weapon. His hand was shaking and his eyes were a storm of pain, the blue darkening as Jack only just began to understand how low Felix had sunk to keep them both alive. 

“Let me know what the plan is when you’re ready,” he told Jack, lowering his voice, trying to be kind now. He’d been the one to cage Jack and draw out the wild animal that only showed up when Jack felt like he had no way of surviving the confrontation. Felix hated knowing that he had become something for Jack to survive.

“I’m sorry,” he told Jack. “For all of it.”

He turned and left the room, avoiding the eyes of everyone else. He’d shown them all too much. 

. . .

“We’re going out tomorrow,” Sive told Felix later that day after hunting Felix down in the lower levels where they kept prisoners and servers and weapons. Tyler was down here and that was who Felix had chosen to hole up with while he hid from everyone else. Tyler had been in the War Room when Felix had had his outburst, but Tyler was more of a blank slate than Felix. Felix sometimes thought Tyler didn’t even know how to feel.

Felix had spent most of his miserable day rambling about the history of the Irish and trying not to feel sorry for himself while Tyler had gone over their weapons cache and counted the batteries they had for the LAR and LARS thrice over. Felix hadn’t known if he was being efficient or showing Felix some measure of kindness. Now Sive was sitting across from Felix, their knees touching. 

“Jack wants you to scout out a way in, as usual. The remodeling of the hub is well under way, so you shouldn’t have any issues finding somewhere to get us inside. Ethan is in charge of getting some shit out of their database, so the bomb’s gonna have a good thirty minutes on the timer, to give him time. Signe and Robin are gonna be in an empty apartment within coms range, giving info. Once you scout, Jack’s gonna find you. You’re gonna question some people with me and him, while Amy and Mark close off the entrances. We want the head to escape by pod. Tyler’s gonna have eyes up top. They’ll follow them to whichever hub they evacuate to. All the other ground people are gonna be doing systematic burnings to keep Enforcers preoccupied.”

Felix nodded. It sounded like a solid plan. “Anything else?” Did anyone say anything about Felix?

“Jack’s been gone since your thing with him,” Sive said. “No one’s seen him. Signe’s been fucking weird about it. She kept saying something about messing up or whatever. Not sure why she’s trying to make this about herself, but you know how she looks when she’s nearly about to cry. It’s hard to be mean to a girl that looks like her.”

Felix couldn’t agree less. “She was the one who told me I disgusted Jack,” he said, not bothering to keep the malice hidden. “She said I disgusted her too, I’m pretty sure.”

Sive grimaced. “As I said man, what you did was ugly to watch, but only cause it’s fucked up to watch someone make his or herself, like, force themselves to let someone do that to them. Super fucked up. But the only disgusting thing about it is the world we live in that necessitated that. So forget what they said. They’re assholes.”

Felix agreed with that part in regards to Signe, but not Jack. He still felt blindsided over Jack’s reaction. Jack hadn’t even been concerned for Felix. He’d only been horrified by what Felix had done. 

“It’s even worse when you take into account the fact that you referenced to doing that shit when you were younger,” Tyler chimed in, saying his first words for the day even though they were close to dinnertime at this point. “How old were you? If you’re cool with me asking.”

Felix thought about it for a moment, wondering if he could tell them. He didn’t have much else to lose. “I was fifteen when I starting doing it on purpose.”

Sive sat back, running a hand over his face.

“Wow,” Tyler said. “I absolutely hate what you just implied.”

“That’s some fucked up shit, man,” Sive agreed.

Felix just shrugged it off. “It’s fine. As long as it wasn’t Jack.”

“Have you two really known each other that long?” Tyler asked. 

“For a while,” Felix told him cryptically. Felix wouldn’t share Jack’s secrets, especially now that he knew Jack had done the same for him. “We’ve been together a long time. I’ve been with him since he started his crusade.”

He looked up to see Sive and Tyler watching him like they didn’t believe him. “What?” he asked.

“No offense, dude, Jack sure doesn’t act like that.”

Felix sighed. “Yeah. He’s been through a lot of shit.” Felix had once thought that the people here just didn’t know Jack like he did. Now Felix was worried that Jack actually didn’t care anymore and Felix had been lying to himself all along.

“Have you eaten today, Felix?” Tyler asked casually. “Because you weren’t at breakfast and neither you nor me has left this room all day.” Tyler pointed to the door. “Eat something. I’m officially kicking you out for your own good. You too, Sive.”

“Hey, I ate.”

“Then take this.” Tyler hand Sive an ordinary looking LARS. “I got in new sights. They don’t have visible track lines. Only shows up on the target, but I’ve got varying reports on the reliability. Go test it out for me.”

Sive looked like a kid getting Christmas present as he ran to the other end of the room to the door that led to the range. Felix wondered if Sive knew what Christmas was.

“Go on, Felix,” Tyler prodded. “Can’t hide forever.”

Felix left, but he didn’t go to eat, because meals were organized and basically mandatory, which meant Jack would be there, along with people who had heard Felix’s confession of the trails his life had led him through. He felt lucky that Sive and Tyler didn’t think less of him. Why couldn’t they just be happy they had what they needed and leave it at that?

He went to his room and laid on the floor, mentally counting through his a of languages that used to exist. He recited phrases in the languages he knew and brought up famous scientists and historians to the countries that spoke those languages. He kept his mind busy, refusing to lose his control like he had this morning. This was his room and his thoughts. He had complete say over what happened here, inside these four walls, by himself. He was the master of his fate for the next few hours and he was happy to keep that control in his grip. 

There was a knock at his wall. Three taps in quick succession. 

Felix almost hesitated, but instinct won out. He got up off the floor and went into the hall. Everything was dark and quiet, as he’d thought himself well into the night. It was late for the knocks to come, but he was relieved to hear them at all. Maybe he’d been wrong about being wrong.

He slipped into the room next to his with practiced quiet— into Jack’s room. It didn’t look any different from Felix’s, save a few papers stuck to the walls and a map over the bed. Felix saw Jack sitting on said bed with his back to the wall, legs to his chest, arms around his knees, head bowed and his face hidden. Felix moved forward silently, easing onto the bed to keep from startling Jack. He sat next to the other man, his back to the same wall, and waited for Jack to tell him what he wanted to hear tonight. They sat together for a long time before Felix barely heard him mumble, “you know what I need. Please.”

Felix relaxed in his spot on Jack’s bed— which was much easier to sit on because it was Jack’s bed and that always mattered—and looked up at the ceiling, bringing the familiar lines to mind. 

_“Oh, let’s go up on the hill and scare ourselves, as reckless of the best of them tonight, by setting fire to the bush we piled with pitchy hands to wait for rain or snow.”_

The poem was their favorite, one of the few Jack had never tired of over the years. Felix had always been able to stomach the conversations Signe bragged about because Felix knew those conversations did nothing to soothe the screaming in Jack’s head. What helped Jack were these small moments, him and Felix sitting side by side, listening to Felix recite a poem Jack knew better than anyone else. When Jack was with Signe, he was only thinking aloud. But in the safety of four walls and Felix’s presence, Jack allowed himself to be weak.

_“Oh, let’s not wait for rain to make it safe. The pile is ours: we dragged it bough on bough down dark converging paths between the pines. Let’s not care what we do with it to-night. Divide it? No, but burn it as one pile the way we piled it. And let’s be the talk of people brought to windows by a light thrown from somewhere against their wall-paper. Rouse them all, both the free and not so free with saying what they’d like to do to us for what they’d better wait till we have done. Let’s all but bring to life this old volcano, if that is what the mountain ever was—  
and scare ourselves. Let wild fire loose we will….” _

_“And scare you too?”_ Jack said softly, reciting the childrens’ lines in the poem as he’d always done. Felix hummed softly at the sound of Jack’s voice, letting it warm his chest. He felt Jack lean against him, however minutely. 

_“Why wouldn’t it scare me to have a fire begin in smudge with ropy smoke and know that still, if I repent, I may recall it, but in a moment not: a little spurt of burning fatness, and then nothing but the fire itself can put it out, and that by burning out, and before it burns out it will have roared first and mixed sparks with stars, and sweeping round it with a flaming sword, made the dim trees stand back in wider circle— done so much and I know not how much more I mean it shall not do if I can bind it.”_

Jack shuddered against him. Felix didn’t know if he was cold or just upset, but he put an arm around Jack regardless and let the other man sink into his side. Felix recited the lengthiest part of the poem, telling the fear of the boy who had let his fire grow out of control and nearly reach the town, stunning the people and never taking blame for what he’d nearly destroyed. Felix felt like Jack loved this poem because Jack was scared he could relate to it a little too much. Setting a fire he couldn’t control. 

_“They looked about for someone to have done it,”_ Felix went on, nearing the end. _“But there was no one. I was somewhere wondering where all my weariness had gone and why I walked so light on air in heavy shoes in spite of a scorched Fourth-of-July feeling. Why wouldn’t I be scared remembering that?”_

He felt the other man shift more comfortably against him. _“If it scares you, what will it do to us?”_ Jack asked, remembering his lines well. His voice was slurred with exhaustion. He was nearly limp against Felix’s body. Very rarely did Jack fall asleep against him, but Felix felt that would be the case tonight.

_“Scare you. But if you shrink from being scared, what would you say to war if it should come?That’s what for reasons I should like to know— if you can comfort me by any answer.”_

_“Oh, but war’s not for children—it’s for men.”_

Felix smiled and allowed himself a small indulgence. He turned his head and buried his nose in Jack’s hair. It was damp, so Jack had taken a shower. One of the many positive sides to having their rooms underground was the use of gravity for cleaning. 

_“Now we are digging almost down to China,”_ Felix recited into Jack’s hair. _“My dears, my dears, you thought that—we all thought it. So your mistake was ours. Haven’t you heard, though, about the ships where war has found them out at sea, about the towns where war has come through opening clouds at night with droning speed further o’erhead than all but stars and angels,— and children in the ships and in the towns? Haven’t you heard what we have lived to learn? Nothing so new—something we had forgotten.”_

Felix took in a deep breath, readying himself for the final four lines. The lines that haunted him. He’d spoken these words to Jack long ago and planted a seed in Jack’s brain— the seed that grew and flourished into a war-thirsty flower. One that told Jack he was meant to be the person he’d become. The one that told Jack he was nothing more than the revenge that drove him. 

_“War is for everyone,”_ Felix whispered. _“For children too. I wasn’t going to tell you and I mustn’t. The best way is to come up hill with me and have our fire and laugh and be afraid.”_

Jack moved even closer into Felix, curling his body into Felix’s side. “Am I the children or the boy?” he asked, his voice breaking. 

“You’re neither,” Felix told him. “You’re the unmentioned. You’re the people who see the fire raging out of control and putting it out at any cost.” He kissed Jack’s head and prayed he was too tired to feel it. “You’re saving the town, Jack. You’re keeping them safe. You’re fixing the mistakes children make in fear and chaos.”

Jack sighed so heavily Felix felt it in every bone in Jack’s body. “I’m so sorry, Felix.”

Felix nodded slowly. “For what?”

“For never seeing it. Never paying enough attention. If I’d known—”

“It’s over now, it doesn’t matter.”

“It’s not over, ye’ had t’ do it again literally yesterday.” Jack sat up and Felix mourned the loss of Jack’s body against his own. “I don’t know how t’— fuck, Felix.” Jack rubbed at his eyes violently with the butt of his hands. “I didn’t mean t’ make ye’ mad.”

Felix paused. “Signe told me you thought I was disgusting.”

“The fuck?” Jack scowled. “Hell no. You wanna know what was disgusting? That fuckin’ piece of shit taking ye’ from behind, like you were something to use.” Felix could see the twist of fury in Jack’s brow and mouth. “Like you’re a tool. A fuckin’ empty carcass for him to bury his cock in.” Felix winced at the word choice and Jack immediately softened. “Sorry,” he said. “Didn’t mean t’ say it like that. Just wish I’d known. I’ve said shit. I’ve done shit.” Jack grimaced. “Have I ever, like… Have I ever made ye’ feel like I’m not giving you a choice?”

“Never,” Felix swore, and happy he could tell the truth. “You’ve never made me do anything I wasn’t already willing to do for you.”

If anything, Felix’s confession only made Jack look worse. “I never wanted any of this for ye’.”

Felix didn’t know what he really meant by that, so he only put his arm back around Jack’s shoulder and pulled him into his side. “Get some rest,” he told the other man. “You’ve earned it.” Jack barely protested and went easily into Felix, hiding his face from the light. Jack couldn’t sleep in the dark so his light was never shut off, but he wasn’t afraid of the dark when Felix was around. “Do you wanna hear it again?”

He felt Jack nod, so he recited the poem again. 

_“Oh, let’s go up on the hill and scare ourselves, as reckless of the best of them tonight, by setting fire to the bush we piled with pitchy hands to wait for rain or snow…”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the poem is called "The Bonfire" by Robert Frost, the greatest poet in the world imo and that poem is the main inspiration for this entire story


	3. This Circus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so the chapters are probably gonna get shorter from here on out (and by shorter i mean like 7k-9k and not 10k-11k haha everything is relative and i can't seem to write short things) because i wrote most of this all in one go and it doesn't always split up evenly for certain things, so that's the best i can do! sorry if that's disappointing ;u; i'll do my best to keep things at whatever length you guys like the most. just let me know!
> 
> also, let me know if you have any questions about the universe. i realize that i'm a sadist and don't describe/detail everything right off the bat as most fanfiction/stories would, so i'll clear up any questions you have as long as it doesn't mean giving away spoilers! (unless you want spoilers, then hit me up even more so because i have _intense feelings_ about things happening in this story and i can't keep ranting the same thing to my friend over and over before she gets bored of me haha)

Sitting in the back of another cargo hold the next day, Felix watched Jack pace up and down between where everyone else was sat back on their haunches, silently preparing for what was about to happen. Jack had too much energy even at the best of times. The energy was good for many things, except for waiting. If Jack wasn’t careful, he’d work himself into a frenzy and pull triggers with less control than he normally would. Felix wished he could calm him down. His frantic energy wasn’t any good for anyone else.

Like Ethan. Ethan had never done anything like this. He was sitting against the wall, wringing his hands together like he wanted to rub the skin off and scratch at the muscle and bone beneath. Mark had his head back against another wall, eyes shut, breathing slow. Amy was chewing her lip into a bloody mess. The only person who wasn’t perturbed by all of the anxious anticipation was Sive, who was casually picking at his nails. 

When Jack turned hard on his heel and kicked a cargo crate— the pod was full of scrap metal— and cursed loudly, that was when Felix had had enough. “Calm down,” he told Jack firmly, keeping his eyes on the other man. Jack met his gaze, eyes alight with a fire. Felix kept himself steady. “Calm down.”

Jack huffed, crossed his arms over his chest, then shut his eyes like Mark had, bowing his head. Felix watched him for a moment and realized Jack was muttering something under his breath. “Dreary, dreary dark and… and…” Jack turned and kicked the same crate again with another curse. Felix realized what Jack was doing. He realized Jack had forgotten the words. 

_“The woods are_ lovely, _dark and deep,”_ Felix recited gently, leading Jack along. He ignored how Ethan’s gaze snapped to him. _“But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep.”_

“What is that?” Ethan asked. 

_“And miles to go before I sleep,”_ Jack echoed. _“And miles to go before I sleep.”_

“What pagan shit is that?” Sive asked.

“Is that poetry?” Mark’s expression was soft. “I’ve heard of that before.”

“Poetry isn’t hard to find,” Amy said. “That sounds like someone else, though. That almost sounds like—”

“It’s nothing,” Jack interrupted. “Just, just calms me down.” He was still watching Felix. Something passed between them, a quiet understanding. A silent thanks. Felix reveled in the intensity of Jack’s gaze and how it was only for him. 

The moment was broken by a tap on the metal separating the driver’s pit from the cargo hold. They were over the Sun Walkers' spiritual hub, or were about to be. Sive got to his feet and threw open the lift-gate.

The Sun Walkers’ temple was the tallest building in the Western district, uniquely designed to be reminiscent of ancient Norse temples, like the Gamla Uppsala, but no one knew the building was an echo of those times. They just marveled at the originality and thought the design to be other worldly. Sweeping arches rose and rose in layers, heading into the sky, nearly breaching the thirty-story building height limit for the Western District with a final spire that splayed open at the top, designed to catch what it could of the sun that no longer existed. It was a glass ceiling at the top of the splayed spire that was five meters across. The spire itself narrowed down into a two meter gap, and was five stories on it’s own—a long drop.

Felix was to jump first, throwing down a weighted rope before him to break the glass and give him something to grab to keep from plummeting. Once he was inside, he’d have less than thirty seconds to get the rope stretching to the bottom of the spire. The spire came out from the bell room, an area widely ignored as the bells no longer rang. Once Felix got the rope down, the others would make the jump and they’d drop into the bell room, widely unnoticed because they were fighting a new war and no one thought an attack would come from above. Not an attack on the hubs, at least. Their first hit was going to be the easiest because no one would be expecting it. 

Felix looked down at the beautiful stain glass he was about to shatter. The cargo ship was at a standstill above the spire. It wasn’t rare for cargo to stall above the hubs for a short time, as some drivers were more religious than others and took advantage of the opportunity to be so close to such a sacred place, unhindered. They had quite a bit of time on their hands. Still, Felix needed to make this jump quickly. Someone would surely notice a body or two falling from a pod.

Felix was about to jump when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked to his left and was surprised to see Jack. The wind was rushing past Felix, loud and angry, so Jack had to raise his voice to be heard.

“You get down there and you fuckin’ hide,” Jack ordered, loud enough to be heard by the people in the cargo, and loud enough to be heard by Robin and Signe over coms. “You don’t put yer neck out for anythin’ till I’m down there.”

It was a small order, nothing that Felix hadn’t already planned to do, but he knew what Jack really meant by it. After yesterday’s fallout, it was hard for anyone to gauge whether or not Felix and Jack’s relationship had degraded into something even worse than what they’d perceived it to be. Jack was now blatantly stating that the anger of yesterday didn’t stop him from working with Felix and treating him like everyone else. 

Felix almost smiled. He nodded briskly and cut his eyes down. “Can I go?”

Jack scowled and shoved his shoulder, not quite enough to push Felix out, but close. Felix shoved him back, letting his touch linger on Jack’s side. He fell away and out of the pod with the contact, letting gravity be the one to pull him away from Jack, because he wouldn’t have been able to do it himself. 

The weighted rope hit the glass seconds before his body would have. He held the rope with gloved hands, tightening his grip just enough to slow his fall along with rope down the spire. He held fast near the bottom, yanking his shoulder painfully, but not dislocating it, which was a plus. His grip slid down the final few meters before his feet landed on solid wood, creaking just barely under his weight. Felix wiggling the rope and waited for the others to drop, ducking into a corner to follow Jack’s orders.

Ethan came first, sliding down the rope with his eyes squeezed shut, then Sive just behind. Amy and Mark follow, and then finally Jack, who was always last. The second Jack’s feet were on the ground, the rope was retracted. Their escape was going to be through the pipes underground. 

Jack nodded sharply to Felix, then pushed Ethan in Felix’s direction. “Get whatever the fuck it is Robin wants,” he told them. “You know where the servers are. Amy, lead us to the structural weak points.” 

Everyone moved in a flurry of motion, but Jack was the one to hesitate. He watched Felix a moment longer. Felix waited for him to speak, even though time was of the essence. Oddly enough, being in this old, wooden room didn’t feel as dangerous as the situation they were truly in. The wood was dark and old and the artificial lights made the room feel warm and welcoming. The old bell that hadn’t been rung in thirty years hung just behind Jack, useless and rusted and dusty. 

Jack watched Felix for only a moment longer, like he was committing him to memory. “You better be in those tunnels before this bombs go off,” Jack finally said. “I swear to god, I’ll kill ye’ if you ain’t.”

Felix brushed past Jack, letting the touch of their shoulders be more reassuring than abrasive. “Race you,” he said in a low whisper, a challenge. A promise. Felix would be there, if only to beat Jack. He took Ethan by the arm, the map of this place burned into his mind by hours of studying. If Amy’s maps were correct, Felix knew exactly where to take Ethan and get him out within the fifteen minutes they had to escape the bombs. 

Controlled c-4 wasn’t something to fuck with. It took down foundations with its powerful shockwave. It wouldn’t be a pretty explosion, not a lot of light and fire, but it would be devastating. Felix didn’t plan on being anywhere near this place when it went off. In fact, they had to be fifteen meters into the pipes to get behind the sectional door that would protect them from the blast that would reverberate underground as well. Felix wasn’t entirely sure the tunnels wouldn’t just collapse on top of them.

“Stick with me,” Felix said, his voice low as he led Ethan down the stairs that would bring them to the living levels. They’d chosen to infiltrate during the peak services hours, which meant the entirety of members and workers would be out in the streets, doing their respective gods’ work. The hub was abandoned for two hours a day, everyday. There wasn’t security for the building as no one had ever thought to attack these holy places before, and Felix didn’t expect any guards, either. They were fighting a new war. No one thought they had to protect themselves yet. 

The halls were empty, which was a relief for more than one reason. Felix didn’t know what went on in these hubs because he’d never been religious. He knew they functioned mainly as housing for the figureheads and the bottom level was the area of ultimate worship, where followers would make pilgrimages to gaze upon the statue of their beliefs. He knew there were religious texts that were widely younger than the continent itself, and he knew that there were songs people sang that somehow made them feel closer to their god, but that was all he knew. All the doors he passed seem ordinary and unoriginal. It was hard for him to think such basic people were capable of the things Felix had observed. But they did seem basic enough to follow a murderer blindly. 

“I’m surprised these people even have servers or systems,” Ethan said, keeping his voice quiet as they snuck about. “Aren’t the Sun Walkers archaic? They don’t even have automated permits, they use plastic cards.” Ethan shook his head, looking bewildered. “It’s bizarre.”

“It’s hypocrisy,” Felix corrected as he came to a set of metal doors. “Because they say they cling to old ways they’ve never known and yet they use elevators.” He hit the button to get to the lower levels. The servers were on level three. There was only one screen in this entire building and it was said to be used for economic reasons, keeping track of funds and donations, et cetera. Jack didn’t believe those reports. Felix didn’t either.

He pushed Ethan into the elevator and put himself between Ethan and the door, just in case anyone happened to be on the other side. But the doors opened up to no one on the third level, and Felix pulled Ethan through those halls as well. They were colder than the ones above. Less well lit. Felix wondered how techies could stand all the cold, all the time. Ethan, though, seemed to be in his element. He bounded past Felix, reading doors that said things like “auxiliary power,” “back up generators,” and “coolant.” Ethan stopped at one door in particular, his eyes alight. “This one,” he told Felix. He jiggled the handle and it was locked. “Fuck, is there a—”

Felix pulled Ethan back and drove his foot into the digital locking mechanism panel. The screen the heel of his boot shattered was for show. The lock was mainly magnetic, a bar that slid from the door into the wall. And the wall itself was like everything else— old wood. Archaic and outdated. The wood splintered and gave way to the bar, breaking through the back half of the wall and effectively nullifying the lock itself. Ethan let out a low noise like he was impressed.

Inside the room was like a whole other world. The lights inside were dimmed and servers almost as tall as the ceiling blinked green and blue. The cable management was terrible and some of the serves even had dust on them. Ethan moved past Felix into the room, letting out a tut of disapproval at the state everything was in. He moved past all the servers to what looked like a large computer, much like the ones Robin chose to use. Again. Archaic and outdated. The screen was huge and physical, a giant block of plastic and glass. Felix wondered at the inefficiency of it. “Are you gonna be able to make sense of this thing?”

“Course I can,” Ethan replied. “My dad was a scrap junker, you know, and half the time he couldn’t even sell the shit he dug up from the farmlands, so he put it to use. Believe it or not, I’ve been teaching Robin about this junk more than he’s been teaching me!”

Felix leaned back against the wall as Ethan bent over the keyboard— a loud, clunky thing that got on Felix’s nerves the second Ethan started to use it— and wondered how things were going for the others. They were supposed to be placing the c-4 along the main support areas throughout the temple, but the main support areas were all in the worship hall and not well hidden. It was a much more dangerous task than what Felix and Ethan were doing, and Felix wished Jack had allowed him to accompany him, if only to give Felix the relief of having an eye on Jack at all times. 

“Oh shit.”

Felix jumped at the sound of Ethan’s voice and the sudden flare of bright light in the room. Ethan had been working from the small computer on his wrist, plugging it into the main hard drive with a convoluted cable. He wasn’t supposed to turn on the main computer, so it was a surprise to be blinded so abruptly. 

The screen showed what looked to be video footage. Felix went Ethan’s side for a closer look and saw the footage was from cameras— and it was all live. They showed the lower Hakaragi bazaar— a seedy Western District region mostly known for drug peddling and prostitution. The footage was from above, angled low, like the cameras sending back this footage were on rooftops. Felix watched with keen eyes as numbers were tallied in the bottom left of each footage block— nine total access the entire screen itself. He saw the number go up every time Merits passed hands and people were dragged into back alleys and darkened buildings. 

“They’re measuring illegal activity in Hakaragi,” Felix said. “Counting it, really. Is this what Jack sent you for?”

He looked down at Ethan in time to see the kid to shake his head. Ethan probably hadn’t wanted to believe that this shit was actually happening. Felix was pretty sure Ethan’s parents had been Sun Walkers. “Get what Jack needed and then get this,” Felix told him. “See if you can find any stored footage for the lower slums and then the middle market.”

“The places that were just hit?”

“If we have proof they were gathering information on those areas before the hit, then we can safely say these assholes are in on the bombings.”

“It’s like they’re trying to wipe us out,” Ethan said.

“It’s systematic,” Felix replied. “They’re being smart about it. Not genocide, not yet, but it’s definitely organized.”

 _“Genocide?”_ Ethan repeated with horror. “What does that mean?”

“Nothing good,” Felix replied. “I’ll tell you later. Get those files Jack and Robin want and then what I want and then we gotta go.”

“It’ll take ten minutes,” Ethan warned. “With your added data, I’ll have to program more key words. Do we have time?”Felix cursed under his breath. “You will.” He’d make sure of it. They had twelve minutes left as it was, Felix keeping count in the back of his head. “Just get what we need.” This kind of information was important. If they could find a pattern to the camera placement, they’d be able to spot cameras in the future and predict future targets. And they’d be able to have something to justify their legitimate crimes and murders if they ever needed to explain themselves. Jack wouldn’t be branded a war criminal and terrorist if Felix could help it.

Ethan bent his spine, doubling down to work. Felix watched him, keeping count in his head, anxiety mounting. Ethan muttered under his breath as his fingers flew across the manual keyboard, sorting through code that Felix couldn’t begin to understand. Felix watched the screen, watching as files flashed over the footage. He couldn’t read any of it with how quickly the files were moving, but Ethan seemed to know what he was doing.

His inner clock was a damning reminder, though, and he gripped Ethan’s shoulder harder the closer they go to the end of their allotted time. “Please tell me you’re almost done.”

“I’m clipping a minute of footage from each camera, just give me another minute or two.”

“You’ve got thirty seconds.”

Ethan’s hands spasmed in a moment of pure panic. “Fuck.”

Felix pushed him away. “What do I need to do?”

“What?”

“What do I need to do to get that footage?”

“Nothing, nothing, it’s downloading automatically.” Ethan was watching him with a hedged expression. “It, it’s copying to the physical drive and to the air drop. So long as someone is here to end the process when it’s finished, I’ll have two copies on this.” He held up his wrist computer like he could show Felix the physical data. “What are you doing?”

Felix shut his eyes for a split second of thought. “Two lefts, down the stairs, ten levels down, then get to the well room,” he told Ethan. “You’ll find the manhole for the sewers there. Climb in and get to the blast door, the others should already be waiting.”

“What about _you?”_

“I’m faster than you,” Felix said. “What do I hit to end the process?”

“It’s an easy program, just hit the red button.” Ethan looked hesitant, even as he headed for the door. “You swear you’re gonna be there, right? If you don’t—”

“You’re out of time, Ethan.”

Ethan cursed one last time before running from the room, tearing the cord from his wrist and repeating Felix’s directions under his breath. Felix was officially in the red in his counting. He had meant it when he said Ethan wouldn’t be fast enough, because Ethan couldn’t jump rails like Felix could. Ethan wouldn’t have been able to get to the bottom quickly enough if he’d given him another ten seconds. Felix watched as the footage was recorded, knowing the process was happening only by the small clock at the bottom next to a big red button. Would a minute be enough? What if the footage got corrupted? What if they would need some sort of password to see it later? Felix didn’t know how any of this shit worked, but he knew a lot of it could go wrong very easily. What if he was risking his life for nothing?

The clock hit one minute. Felix gave it an extra thirty seconds before hitting the red button. The words “download terminated” flashed across the screen. Felix turned on his heel and ran. He took his two lefts and got to the stairwell, launching himself over the ledge and grabbing rails on his way down as he dropped level after level. His hands were aching and red when his feet hit the bottom, and his shoulder was a little fucked, but he had literally one minute and forty-seven seconds before the bomb went off and he knew he could make it. He had enough time.

On his way through the worship center to the well room in the back, he heard a soft beep and caught sight of the blinking red that signified a bomb ticking down. He caught a glance at the screen and saw he’d lost count by nearly a minute. 

He did not have enough time.

Felix burst into the well room and dropped into the manhole, not even bothering to pull it shut. The tunnel was cold and dark and he pushed through the fear of death on his hands and knees, crawling. He could still distantly hear the beeping, so he was able to starkly hear the silence that came with the final five seconds. He couldn’t see the blast door, couldn’t even hear the voices of the others. He hadn’t made it in time. 

The explosion sounded like reality cracking itself in half. Felix ducked his head and covered his skull with his arms just in time to be hit by a shockwave that clacked his teeth and knocked him out cold. 

. . .

_His feet were tucked away in tiny shards of something that he couldn’t name until he really looked at it— they were specks of rocks and shells whittled away by years at sea. Beach sand, a soft yellow and warm between his toes. Then crystal clear liquid pushed into his field of view, wrapping around his ankles and dragging the sand away, concaving the ground beneath him, to reveal a tiny, grey crab. As the water receded, the crab dug its way back into the soft sand, preparing itself for the next wave._

_Felix looked up at the bright world and squinted into the huge light in the middle of a deep blue sky. His brain supplied the word “sun,” but he’d never seen the sun before so he didn’t know if it really was. Still, he knew he shouldn’t risk looking at it. Everything around him was distorted and pulled together at the edges, like a fisheye lens. He looked out at the vast blue in front of him— one half was water and one half was sky. He’d never seen anything like it._

_A hand rested on his shoulder and Felix lashed out on instinct, ready to claw out eyeballs if he had to,_ but his hand flailed into darkness and he gasped into wakefulness on the hard curve of a metal pipe, deep underground. 

“I could kill ye’ again!” Jack was shouting above him, his furious voice echoing through the tunnels. His hand was the one grasping Felix’s shoulder, on both sides, nearly shaking him. Felix coughed blood from his throat and tried to push Jack away, needing room to breathe. There was a bright light still in his eyes, but it wasn’t the sun.

“Jack, please let go of him, he could have a concussion!” Signe sounded distantly worried as she shone the light into Felix’s eyes, probably checking his pupils. He felt like she should be more worried about the blood he tasted in his mouth. “He got hit by the shockwave really badly, he needs to rest!”

“We don’t have time to rest, Enforcers are gonna be scanning these tunnels any minute now,” Sive argued, off to the side somewhere. There wasn’t a lot of room in these tunnels, and Felix was a little amazed he’d survived. Bits and pieces were coming back to him, making whatever he’s seen in unconsciousness fade away. He tried to cling to that open blue he’d seen, but it was futile. And he had more important things to do.

“Ethan,” he rasped through the blood. “Where—”

Jack scowled, somehow angrier. “Ethan!” he snapped after letting go of Felix’s shoulders. “Get the fuck over here!”

Ethan crawled into Felix’s line of sight, and Felix couldn’t talk very well, so he just reached out weakly and took hold of the computer on Ethan’s wrist in lieu of a question. Ethan looked down, then nodded. “Got it all, I got it all,” he said. “You really should’ve cut it off at the minute mark, dude. You weren’t breathing.”

Felix only groaned again and tried to sit up. He was shoved back down harshly by Jack nearly hitting him in the chest. It dislodged more blood, which Felix coughed up. His chest was rattling, but he could breathe a little easier. His distantly wondered if he’d been given CPR. The delirious part of his brain that was still suffering from head trauma distantly wished Jack had been the one to press his lips to Felix’s and breathe air back into his lungs. Felix chuckled and covered his eyes with his arm from the light. His shoulder fucking _hurt._

“What the fuck did you think was so fuckin’ important ye’d risk yer life?” Jack demanded, his anger still easily audible. 

“They were spying on Hakaragi,” Ethan told Jack, his voice shaking. “We, we got pieces of footage.”

Jack paused, like he was waiting for more. “My idea,” Felix said, his voice still sounding like a wreck. He moved his arm from his eyes to reach out, hoping to keep Jack from pushing him down again when trying to sit up. Instead of pushing him, Jack took him by the arms and helped lift his upper body. Felix let out a soft noise of relief as his head swam, but righted itself. He pat Jack a few times on the neck to thank him, then tried to maneuver onto his hands and knees. “Get moving.”

“Sive, Signe, Robin, and Ethan in front,” Jack ordered. “I’m behind Felix. No one slows down, ye’ hear me? Get to the end as fast as ye’ can. I’ll take care of him.” There was no movement for a moment, so Jack growled out a harsh, _“move.”_ The others were spurred into action and did as told, Sive leading the other three along. “Take it slow, Felix,” Jack told him. “And I swear t’ fuckin’ god, I’ll break yer jaw if ye’ do something like that again.”

Felix just nodded and kept his pace nice and easy. He’d get back home eventually, and then he’d crawl into his shitty bed and not get out.

Unfortunately, after getting out of the tunnels and trekking the last kilometer to “home,” Felix found that he would be given no such kindness. The ruined lobby was alight with the noise of celebration, refugees and fighters alike rushing the returning heroes with alcohol and brightly colored paper and all sorts of things Felix had never actually seen before. Too many hands went across Felix’s back, thanking and congratulating him. Too many people surrounded him, bringing him upstairs with the others. It was, it was a party, he thought. He wasn’t sure. He didn’t know why there was a party being thrown at all. Only one hub was down, but—

Felix found himself with a horrible tasting drink in his hand and a girl that seemed to think he was some sort of savior. The noise around him was overwhelming and nauseating with the pounding in his head. His mind told him he had a possible concussion, as Signe suggested, but no brain could be trusted in diagnosing itself. Felix looked out over the sea of unfamiliar faces that somehow knew him and felt dizzy. The drink in his hand was cold and the girl— woman, she was a woman— kept pushing it up towards his face, prodding him to drink. 

Felix wasn’t having fun, but he couldn’t bring himself to leave. All of these unfamiliar faces were smiling and laughing and filled with joy. Maybe Felix didn’t see much success in what they’d done beyond a stepping stone, but these people did. These people had found something to hope for. Felix wasn’t sure if they knew the extent of the plan, but they knew action was finally being taken. They knew their loved ones were finally being avenged. And Felix couldn’t begrudge them for being happy over it or wanting to thank him, so he lingered. He treated the people, and the woman, as kindly as he could. He caught glimpses of people he knew through the crowd, but not much else. Everyone who wore the Raven of Odin was being swarmed with gratitude, almost equally. Except for Jack.

Jack was surrounded. He was the only person Felix could easily see through the crowd. Jack had men and woman all around, all of them asking questions and pressing forward, trying to become Jack’s center of attention. Jack met this onslaught with his usual levelheaded coolness, but Felix could see the pinch in his eyes that said he was on edge and maybe even a little annoyed. He’d had three of the same drink Felix was nursing his first of. He wasn’t handling the celebrations well, but in a way that made a swell of affection race through Felix’s heart.

Jack was doing all of this, was fighting to save the continent, because it was the right thing to do and not because he expected this sort of gratitude. Jack wasn’t looking for recognition. He was a purely good person, regardless of his moments of cruelty. Felix admired him for his humility. He loved him for it. He wished he could be more like Jack. Whenever Felix did something good, he always hoped Jack could see it and give Felix some sort of praise for what he’d done, if only later when they were alone. Jack wasn’t like that. Jack wasn’t selfish. Felix loved him for that. 

Someone else loved Jack for that, too, and she was standing in front of Felix, interrupting the woman Felix couldn’t name. “I’m supposed to ask you how your head is,” Signe said, sounding put out. She was raising her voice to be heard over the celebrators.

“I was coughing blood,” Felix told her. “Doesn’t that seem more important?’  
Signe waved him off. “If you haven’t coughed up any since, you’re fine. Your breathing is regular, so your lungs are perfectly okay. You probably just tore a section of your throat or something.” When Felix looked skeptical, she rolled her eyes. “Open your mouth,” Signe instructed, pulling out her light. She shined it into Felix’s mouth and nodded. “You bit the side of your mouth really badly. Lucky it wasn’t your tongue. I can give you something for the pain if it’s really that bad.”

Felix shook his head, because he genuinely hadn’t felt anything wrong in his mouth. At least he hadn’t ruptured any organs. Felix looked out into the crowd again to catch Jack staring at him. They locked eyes for a long second over the crowd, sharing a silent moment. Jack was scrutinizing Felix. He’d sent Signe over here to check on him. Jack hadn’t forgotten Felix had been hurt and he was still concerned. Felix gave him a brisk nod, telling Jack he was okay. Jack relaxed his gaze and relaxed his shoulders.

Then, in a rare show of himself, Jack sent Felix the tiniest of smiles and raised his glass of illegal alcohol. A toast. Or maybe something more. Regardless, Jack didn’t smile all that often, but when he did, it was only ever for Felix, as far as Felix knew. That selfish part of Felix soared again and he gave another tip of his head, raising his own cup. 

He noticed Signe move in front of him and saw she was watching Jack too. Signe waved her fingertips with a shy smile of her own. She thought Jack was looking at her. A spiteful part of Felix reveled in her being wrong, but he stamped that down. He couldn’t forget that Signe meant something to Jack too.

A flurry of motion caught Felix’s attention. It was Jack again. He was pointing at Felix, then pointing to the door. _“Go to bed,”_ Jack mouthed, exaggerating the movement of his lips so he’d be easier to read. Signe faltered in her wave, then turned to look at Felix, anger coming with the realization that Jack hadn’t been smiling at her. Felix cleared his throat at the heat of her glare and winced, feeling bad for it. He just nodded a third time and ducked away, escaping the crowd. These people could celebrate all they wanted, but if they were to stop him, he would only have to tell them Jack had sent him off to rest. No one would argue against Jack.

Felix dipped off into his room and settled onto the mattress. He knew very little medical expertise beyond the basics, but he knew enough to be wary of sleep if he did have any sort of concussion. Signe hadn’t seemed concerned by it, but Signe also saw him as a rival. For all he knew, she’d let him die just to get a leg up in the race. 

As if Jack was something that could be won. In the end, Jack would stick with whoever he wanted. It wouldn’t matter how many times Signe tried to trip Felix along the way, or how many smiles Felix counted that were only meant for him. If Jack wanted to keep Felix at his side, so be it. And if Jack decided to rebuild his lost family with Signe, then…

Then, then so be that. 

Felix swallowed hard at the thought and took his glasses from his face, carefully cleaning the perfectly rounded lenses to distract himself. His glasses were delicate, after all. Halfway to shattered and framed with thin wire. He’d had them for years, almost nine, if only he could remember dates correctly. A gift from a man he’d wished he could call his father. But that wasn’t in his right and he’d always made sure to sleep on the floor to keep from overstepping any boundaries he couldn’t see. 

The glasses made him think of Jack. It was a stupid connection, really, but it made sense in its own way. The man who had given Felix these glasses was Jack’s father, after all. Glasses were hard to come by. Wearing a pair, no matter how broken, was a sign of wealth and stature. Jack’s father had had neither wealth, nor stature. Jack’s parents had been poor and scared of the world, scared of what could happen if they just slipped one foot too far and ended back up on the streets. Jack’s parents had worked hard to keep their children from knowing what it was like to be homeless, and they’d always been fearful of fucking it up. But they hadn’t hesitated in giving the broken kid Jack had picked up off the streets a pair of glasses because they couldn’t help themselves in trying to save the future of just one more child. 

These glasses reminded Felix of Jack because Jack was a lot like his parents. Through the gruff exterior and cold metal of his gun, Jack never did anything for himself. Sometimes Felix wished he would, but he knew it was futile. Jack was a better person than the whole world combined and he had the followers to prove it. Even if Sive and Tyler and others felt like Jack was too harsh on him, it didn’t mean they were any less loyal to Jack’s cause. And even if Jack tried to put himself below the credit he deserved, he would receive it nonetheless. Felix just wished Jack understood that Felix was willing to give up everything for that same cause too. 

Still. Felix didn’t have to worry. Even in Jack’s stubborn denial of Felix’s resolve, it was to protect him. Or at least, Felix hoped so. He couldn’t really figure out what Jack had meant with all the yelling and the gun to Felix’s head because his mind was blowing out that whole argument like it was a traumatic experience. Maybe it was? Felix couldn’t imagine why, considering Jack had all but told Felix he’d been so upset because Felix was important to him and he just hadn’t liked what had happened. Why would the fight bother Felix so much?

Felix stared up at the blurry ceiling after having set his glasses aside and tried to sort out his thoughts, but it was too difficult. The drink he’d been given was still on the table beside his head, but it had tasted like garbage and made his head fuzzy. He didn’t think it would help. As Felix looked at the drink, he remembered the way Jack had given him that tiny smile from across a sea of people. 

Felix almost smiled to himself. Almost. It tugged at his cheeks and he had to shut his eyes to fight the surge of happiness as something fluttered in his chest. He felt giddy and he fisted his hands in the sheets, lying completely on his back to keep from being overwhelmed by it. The feeling was too much, though. The smile broke through, small and unfamiliar and oh so good. It warmed his face and his throat and his body. He covered his face with his hands, embarrassed by something that no one else could see. He was embarrassed because it was Jack, and Jack had always been the only one that could make him feel this way. It was too much. It was damning evidence. He couldn’t let anyone see him smile, because then they would see that the smiles were always for Jack, and he’d give himself away. He couldn’t give himself away. 

Felix rolled onto his side and wrapped an arm around his chest, letting himself have this tiny moment of weakness. He didn’t know how much time had passed in his thoughts, but he was sure it was safe to sleep at this point. The party was still going on, he was sure, but he had shown his face and earned his rest. Tomorrow, they would go over what they had gathered and receive Tyler’s report on where the figurehead had fled to. They would plan their next move and Felix would get to slide back into his uncaring persona and forget the smile he wished he could show Jack.

The wall against his bed rattled as the door in the room beside his was suddenly opened, and then slammed shut. Felix’s eyes shot wide open, alert and waiting for any sort of cues that would tell him Jack wanted him and Frost tonight. He refused to let the anticipation bring another smile. Jack would—

There were two sets of footsteps. And then a soft, feminine giggle. 

Felix’s heart sunk into his stomach, and he forced his eyes shut again. The smile was gone. Jack had brought a girl to his room and he only ever did that for one reason. What other reason would there before? An attractive man like Jack, heroic and confident and a leader. Who wouldn’t want to fuck him? Even his followers did. Felix twisted his hands in the sheets again, though this time to brace himself. He heard the sound of the girl saying something, her voice almost melodic. A black string of jealousy twisted in Felix’s heart. He wondered if he should leave. The girl started moaning and Felix was out of bed despite the head rush. He was across his room, blind as a bat, ready to run, his hand on the door when he heard another sound, another voice, this one also broken off in a moan but—

It was Jack.

That selfish part of Felix reared its ugly head. Jack had been the one to tell him to go to bed. If he left now, someone could see him and tell Jack that Felix had disobeyed. He couldn’t just leave. He couldn’t risk angering Jack.

He was selfish. He was so, so selfish. Felix went back to the bed and quietly sat atop the awful mattress, putting his back to the wall and shutting his eyes. His pulse was racing with the weight of what he was about to do, how many lines he was about to cross, but— it wasn’t like this was the first time. The thought settled like poison in his stomach, but it was the truth. Felix had done this before. Put his ear to the wall and listened. Memorized the sounds Jack made, the way the girls he would be with would respond like Jack had done something incredible to their bodies. He’d listened to Jack before and he would always tell himself it would be the last time, but it never was, because he was _so fucking selfish._

Jack’s voice was a low, rumbling contrast compared to the girl’s. Felix couldn’t make out any words and didn’t want to. He focused on Jack, letting the small moments of that voice wash over him, tried to develop tunnel vision for Jack like he always could. He tried to relax and let his body finally get some sort of satisfaction in the only thing that could ever make him feel okay, even if just for a temporary high, but—

His hands were shaking. 

He remembered how twisted Jack had looked to discover the way Felix had sold himself. Now that he knew it wasn’t disgust for him, he could only read it as disgust for the act. He knew Jack wouldn’t look down on Felix for something as innocent as sex, but, but what if doing this was…

Felix shuddered and launched himself off the bed, moving too quickly and muddling his thoughts with a sudden wash of vertigo. Oh fuck, he didn’t have Jack’s consent, he’d never had it and it had always bothered him not to, but—

Felix pulled at his hair. He couldn’t afford to think like that. Jack would never think Felix evil to take pleasure in these small moments. As long as Felix never actually _did_ anything to push past clear boundaries, Jack wouldn’t hate him. Don’t hate the sinner, hate the sin. Don’t hate the sinner, hate the sin.

He couldn’t do it. The cold panic was in his chest. He could hear the rhythmic thrusts of two bodies against his wall, he could picture what Jack was doing with that girl and wished, prayed to fucking god, that it could be him one day, but it was hopeless and he was just kidding himself. Getting off to what Jack was doing with someone else would just be putting off the inevitable fallout that would come afterwards, the crushing pain in knowing that whatever his brain created for his pleasure would never be a reality. 

Felix left his room and truly worried for the state of his head, because the walls were spinning. He didn’t know if it was the grief or the head injury. Probably both. It was stupid to cling to what he could never have and it was only poetic that he should hear Jack let out a noise of pleasure just before he was out of earshot. He could have gone his _whole life_ not knowing what Jack sounded like in the throes of sex, but Jack had insisted Felix have a room next to his if they couldn’t share. Felix pulled at his hair again and felt pathetic, even as arousal stubbornly twisted in his gut with the cold. Don’t hate the sinner, hate the sin. 

Felix nearly ran into Signe again as he turned a corner to escape Jack’s voice and hoped he wasn’t going to make a habit of seeing her in his lower moments. She looked surprised to see him, then really looked at him on a double take. “You shouldn’t be out of bed,” she said. “You better hope Jack doesn’t find you.”

“He’s too busy,” Felix said, voice low.

“Too busy to make sure you don’t disobey him? Jack expects people to follow his orders.”

“He’s not gonna care.”

“What, you think he’s gonna be okay with losing his frontline? Nothing’s more important than him winning this war.”

Felix fought the urge to roll his eyes. He’d been trying to be nice in not telling her where Jack was but, “he’s a little caught up inside of some woman. I don’t think he’ll catch me out here when she’s got him in his bed.”

Signe almost paled, her eyes standing out dark and wide against the palor. Felix felt sorry for her, but not anymore sorry than he felt for himself. He sighed and reached out to put a hand on her shoulder in comfort, but aborted the gesture when he realized how weird that would be for them and let his had fall back to his side. “I know you and I aren’t the best of friends,” he said. “But I could really use something for my head. And I think we could both use a distraction.”

She narrowed her eyes at him, but didn’t tell Felix he was wrong. She kept a stiff upper lip and said, “follow me.” And Felix did. It wasn’t like she could lead him into any sort of trap that he wouldn’t be able to get out of. He followed her into one of the upper levels, to where Robin usually resided, and then Signe. It was where she kept all of her public supplies for the refugees, bandages and pain suppressors. They didn’t have anything like the hypo shots all the big shots in Central could afford, but they had chemicals that could cut off the brain from whatever was hurting. 

Felix knew people could have them for unintended uses. Maybe Signe needed to forget what Jack was doing in his room. It wasn’t like she was any worse than Felix, though. She hadn’t heard the way Jack’s voice had caught at the edges. She hadn’t heard the way Jack had murmured what had to be loving praises to whoever he had chosen for his night. Signe didn’t know the extent of the pain she could be suffering if she just slept with a flimsy wall between her and Jack. 

Felix wasn’t sure he would hold that against her, though. For all that he was feeling right now, it was overshadowed by the joy in knowing Jack would knock on that wall far more often than he would fuck someone against it. 

Felix leaned against the wall as Signe went through her stash of old drugs that would dissolve slowly. Felix had once been stupid enough to hold one of those pills on his tongue. It had tasted like the biggest fucking mistake and Jack’s father had laughed at the face he’d made. Felix hadn’t even felt much of a difference after taking the pill correctly, but Jack’s father had seemed to think otherwise.

Signe held out a little tablet that looked a lot like that pill had back then. He raised a brow at it. “It’ll help with your head,” she insisted. “And since you so kindly kept me from falling to my death the other day, I feel like I owe you some sort of relief, Scott free.” Felix didn’t understand the saying. He took the pill.

Signe leaned against a table behind her, crossing her arms over her chest and watching Felix swallow down the pill. “I didn’t intend to turn him against you,” she said after a long moment of silence between them. “I just, I really did think he said he thought you were disgusting for it.” Signe shrugged. “I hadn’t known what he meant. Guess I should have known better, though. Jack’s not the kind of person to look down on someone for that, even you.”

Felix raised both brows at her.

She huffed and threw her hands up. “You know what I mean. He doesn’t like you.”

“Sure.”

Signe frowned. “What, you think he does? There’s a difference between being important and being someone he cares about.”

Felix nodded along. “Of course.”

“You think he cares?”

“I think it doesn’t matter.”

Her frowned deepened. “How can it not matter? You’re in love with him too!”

“You’re not wrong there.”

“Sometimes I think you only say you love him so I’ll think you’re human.”

Felix paused. “… When have I ever told you what I felt?”

“I—” Signe cut herself off, affronted. “I, I don’t. I mean, I just knew. Okay? I knew and that’s all I needed to know.”

“So then why do you say I told you to sound, what was it? Human?” Felix shook his head. “I’m plenty human. The damage to my head should tell you that. The way I couldn’t stay in my room a minute longer with what was happening next to me. I’m human. I just don’t show love the same way you do. I don’t follow him like a dog slipping on its own drool.” 

“You don’t know a thing about me,” she snapped.

Felix remained silent, deciding not to continue this. She wasn’t going to give an inch because she wanted to invalidate what Felix felt and give herself yet another leg up in the game. He wasn’t sure how she thought she wasn’t going to win in the first place. _Jack was fucking a girl._ Felix just wasn’t going to win this fight from the day he was born, wherever that had been. 

“Thank you for the drugs,” he told her. “I’ll see you tomorrow, I’m sure.”

“You listen to him,” Signe accused with a sudden gasp of realization. “He didn’t mean it, but I do. You’re disgusting.”

A weird sense of relief ran through Felix in knowing that he’d chosen to leave his room tonight. It would mean he was telling her the truth when he said, “if I’d really wanted to listen, would I be here to talk to you?” She scowled but didn’t keep trying to continue their petty argument. Felix gave her a lackluster salute, two fingers from his brow. “Goodnight, Signe.” He could wander the halls a little longer.


	4. Mexican Sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> letty sucks and skipped a chapter my bad guys i'm the worst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY
> 
> I DIDNTREALIZE I POSTED THE WRONG CHAPTER
> 
> I AM SOOOOOOO SORRY  
> OML  
> OML  
> OML  
> OML
> 
> FUCK AND I DELETED IT
> 
> HELLO ANON COMMENT THAT BROUGHT MY ATTENTION TO THIS MESS I AM VERY SORRY FOR YOUR CONFUSION IT WAS 100% MY FAULT THERE IS AN ENTIRE CHAPTER CONTENT MISSING AND THIS IS INEXCUSABLE I AM SO FUCKING SORRY I AM SO SORRY I AM SO SORRY I AM SO SORRYIAMSOSORRYIAMSOSORRYIAMSOSORRY
> 
> this is probably gonna make a lot more sense now  
> i'mma post the next one immediately just like  
>  _i am so sorry_

“This second one’s gonna be trickier,” Jack told them the next morning over breakfast, huddled together in the early hours on the rickety tin benches and tables. Felix was across from him and had an excellent view of the splotchy bruises Jack was trying to hide with the hem of his shirt along his collarbone. “We’re gonna have to get into the Northern District, which means we’re gonna put those permits and passes to use.” Jack gave a slight nod to Mark, the closest he would ever come to gratitude. Mark beamed.

“Do we know they’ve gone North?” Sive asked.

“The only pod to go from residentials in the West up into the North at that time went to the Northern District and to that hub.” Tyler turned a screen in his hand over to show them grainy footage from a pod cam of a golden eyesore heading to the silver domes of their next target. “Plus, no one else would really dare to drive around in something that fucking stupid looking.”

“I thought they were supposed to be spending that money on the people,” Amy said.

“It’s like the Pope,” Felix told them idly. “They spend it on helping people, but they’ve got to look good while doing it or else people will forget they’re important. How else to know who to worship a god if it isn’t covered in gold?”

Signe made a face. “What’s the Pope?”

“It’s not important,” Jack snapped. “Don’t distract people.”

Felix sunk into his seat and wondered if Jack had found out Felix had left his room after all. At least his head didn’t hurt anymore. Signe’s pill must have been different from Mr. McLoughlin’s, because it had actually worked.

“If we’re going into the Northern district, we’re gonna need a guide,” Sive told them. “I’ve never been. Never even fucking wanted to. Do we know anyone that knows it? Cause Amy— Amy specialized in the West.”

“I was in the North,” Mark said. “I know it well.”

“Just like the generals to know their kingdoms,” Tyler griped. 

“Could you maybe sketch some rough layout of the streets?” Ethan asked, finally looking up from the archaic hunk of junk he was sharing with Robin. “We’d really appreciate having something to use to keep track of you guys. We’re not gonna be able to use the skies to get in, we’re gonna have to go underground. It’d be nice to know what streets line up with what sewers.”

“I don’t draw nearly as well as Amy,” Mark warmed him. 

“My stick figures are near abysmal,” Ethan said. “I promise I won’t judge.”

“You’ve got forty hours,” Jack said. All eyes snapped to him, most in genuine shock, except for Felix’s. He’d been expecting this and kept his lazy gaze on the crazy computer Robin was still typing furiously on. He couldn’t imagine how that was still working. Robin had to be a sort of wizard.

“We don’t have enough time to rally in forty hours,” Tyler said. 

“Neither do they,” Jack replied. “If we wait any longer, security improvements will be in complete effect. We can’t risk them getting wise and using something we haven’t seen before we can prepare for it. If we get them now, we’ll be able to see what they’re only just starting to install and be ready for it with the final hub. But if we don’t do it now, we’ll never make it in.” He looked at all the faces in front of him, all of the anxiety and worry displayed before him.

“I know you think it’s crazy,” he said, lowering his voice like he was trying to comfort. “I know you’re tired. Maybe even a little scared. That’s all normal, that’s all okay. But we can’t let that get in the way of the fact that we’ve officially started the wildfire and we’ve got to be quick if we want t’ get out of the forest in time. We can’t risk slowing down. They’re smarter than us. They’re bigger than us. They’re stronger than us. The only thing we can hope to be is faster. If we start the fire first, they’ll never know who set it off. ”

Felix listened to Jack’s inspirational speech and felt a sort of possessive pride at the way everyone else soaked in his words and took courage. Jack had learned such words from him. The child starting the bonfire and running away before he could be caught, let the adults wonder at who had started the flame so they wouldn’t be able to catch him the next time. More than anything, Felix wished he could reach across the table and touch Jack. Hold him. Make everyone know Jack was his and Felix was proud to have him.

But Jack wasn’t his, so he couldn’t.

“Climb the hill and be afraid,” Felix murmured, catching Jack’s attention like gunfire. A thought passed between them, an electric understanding. Jack had used those words on purpose. And Felix suddenly realized that those particular words were not for the others. Underneath the table, Jack kicked Felix’s foot lightly with his own. _And then he fucking winked._

“Wanna let us in on the joke?” Sive asked, looking the least bewildered out of everyone. Felix knew the others were used to Jack being cold to him. Having Jack act so warmly to him in front of everyone else was— tilted. Different. Exhilarating. Felix almost smiled.

“Absolutely not,” Jack said. His expression shifted and he was back to business. “Does everyone understand what we’re risking here by pushing it back any further, though? This is a new war. No one’s believed they need to protect anything from any of us. No one thinks anyone would be crazy enough to attack the hubs because they can’t see what’s wrong with it yet. Even the fanatics are too scared to go for the throat. We’re paving our way here.”

“Makes us sound a little more badass than we actually are,” Amy said.

“Dude, we just blew up a damn building. We’re already kinda badass.” Sive reached across the table to high-5 Ethan in agreement. 

“Either way, we’re leaving in two days and you better be ready,” Jack said with a bit of a huff. “And ye’ understand why, yeah?”

“Of course, Jack,” Signe told him solemnly. 

“It makes sense,” Mark added. “Just wish we had more time regardless. It doesn’t leave a lot of time to recuperate. And we have to get through a gate, which will take at least a day in itself, so that’s really only one day to—” Mark cut himself off to do the math. “We’d actually need to leave tomorrow.”

Jack frowned. “What? Why?”

“Because the day after is Sunday. Gate’s close on Sunday.”

“What’s a Sunday?” Ethan asked.

“The days of the month used to be split up into seven named days of a week,” Felix explained. “Back when we used the Gregorian calendar, which was introduced by a pope back in the late fifteen hundreds. It’s a solar calendar and somewhat seasonal. Obviously outdated.”

“Wait, so, what kind of calendar do we use?” Ethan asked.

“A type of Armenian,” Felix explained. “It’s from Iran and it’s—”

“Who ran?”

Felix stared hard at Ethan for the terrible pun he didn’t intend to make. “Iran is a country,” he said slowly. “Or it used to be. The Armenian calendar used a fixed number of days for the year regardless of seasonal change, which works well for us because we don’t have seasons and can’t see the sun or moon, which would be the building block of most calendar systems. The Armenian calendar has twelve months and different names for the day of each month.”

“Okay, but why do the gates use the the old one?” Mark asked. “I mean, I’m just now hearing about calendar differences. We always used the one with days of the week. You guys don’t?”

“No one’s really aware,” Felix said. “We don’t know that we’re on Armenian, we don’t use the names of the days and months, we just count. I’m sure it lines up well enough with your calendar usage as long as you’re going by names only and not dates themselves.” He was curious why they still stuck with the Gregorian calendar, though. It was an outdated and useless system considering they couldn’t see the sky anymore. 

“Regardless, this doesn’t change the fact that the gates are closed Sunday,” Amy sighed. “We have to do this tomorrow night.”

“Why at night?” Tyler asked.

“Because that’s when security is most lax,” she explained. “They’ll be more likely to let us through even if we look a little shady. Most of the guards are tired and waiting to go home. Lazy would be a good word for it. It’s the safest bet.”

“Then we leave tomorrow night,” Jack said firmly. “If you haven’t installed your permits, do it now. I know they’re uncomfortable, but it’s necessary.”

“One last thing,” Tyler said. “Not sure if the rest of you thought to do this, but Sive was smart and picked up two SHIELDs while you were doing your thing at the hub. I broke into them, they’re basically open to be used by anyone at this point. DNA recognition won’t function ever again and the monitor is shot, so activation is manual, but it’s better than nothing.”

“Only two?” Jack asked. When Tyler nodded, Jack nodded back. “Felix gets one.”

Everyone at the table stalled for a moment. SHIELDs were a special kind of tech. You pushed it into the skin on your pulse point on your neck and it would cling there, a small metal square about an inch across both ways. When activated— usually by the heart beat quickening and only for the designated person— it would create a localized disruptive field around the user that would keep any shots from any LAR or LARS breaching the shield and hitting the user. It was rare, expensive tech, and basically made you impervious to any shots as long as it functioned and had power. The SHIELD battery could last from one to two hours, give or take how many times you planned on getting shot. 

Because they were so overpowered and rare, SHIELDs were meant for medical personal or extremely vital team members, like people carrying codes and equipment and providing whatever service was deemed more necessary than just having foot soldiers. It made absolutely no sense for Felix to have one when they already had four people who were better off needing a Shield— Amy, Robin, Ethan, and Signe. Felix was one of the last people to be considered for outfitting a SHIELD by any sane commander.

“You’re joking, right?” Signe tested gently. Even her undying love and loyalty for Jack wasn’t able to keep her from incredulousness. 

Jack sat back in his chair and leveled the table with a stern glare. “Felix gets one. No arguments.”

“But we—”

“Did I fucking stutter?” Jack interrupted, his gaze now deadly as he turned to Robin. “If you want me to sit here and explain why Felix is vital to every mission we’ve ever fucking done, I’d be happy to. But we have even less time than we’d thought before and as much as I love arguing with people over how _wrong_ they are, we just don’t have that kind of leeway. I will say this— _Felix is the only reason any of this is happening.”_

“Like, the permits?” Mark asked, throwing out a wild guess. 

“And he did save Signe’s life,” Amy added.

“Plus, I’m useless with a gun,” Ethan chimed in. “Felix is my protection detail again, right? As long as he’s watching my back, I won’t get killed, obviously. But if he’s dead, I’m fucked, even with the SHIELD.” Ethan nodded to himself, like that somehow made sense. “Okay. Yeah, I’m cool with that. Does Signe get the other one?”

“Yeah,” Jack affirmed easily, his tone softening. Felix noticed Jack hadn’t actually explained what he meant in saying Felix was the reason all of this was happning. “She won’t be staying back with Robin this time because the survey spot we have set up is too far for her to be of any use back there. She’ll be with me, Mark, Amy, and Sive. Same deal as last time, yeah? Hopefully without a hitch, but Signe’s also gonna function as an information collector. Whatever new shit they’re in the process of building to keep people like us out is her responsibility to photograph and get to Robin and Ethan.”

“How do I photograph?” Signe asked. “I’ve never—”

“Robin and I have been working on one of these for you,” Ethan said, holding up the computer on his wrist. “We’ve got a lens added. Shitty photos, so you’ll have to get close, but good enough.”

She looked nervous. “You’ll do fine, Signe,” Jack told her calmly. The gentle encouragement didn’t make her seem any less unsure, but she gave a firm nod and squared her shoulders. Felix fought the urge to roll his eyes. What use was she to Jack if she needed to be built up with praise before she could get anything done? At least Felix was able to function without needing Jack to tell him he was special. Felix was still stuck on the fact that he was getting a _fucking SHIELD_ when he was just the frontline jumper. It made no sense.

“Everyone clear on what’s happening?” Jack asked. “Tyler will drop shit for us when we get to the other side of the gate, but most of it will already be smuggled there. We’re staying with a sympathizer, a nice couple who have a bedroom to spare so _be polite._ I’ll ask them if they’re okay with us staying a night early. _Do not be rude to them._ ”

“But they’re Northerners,” Sive groaned. Jack was about to go off on him when he noticed the tiniest hint of a smile Sive was wearing. “Sorry, couldn’t help it. Centrals hate the Northerners, you know? They think they’re so great and shit just cause they’re the smallest.”

“If you say shit like that t’ them, I’ll whack ye’,” Jack said. “We’re done here. Be ready tomorrow night, pack nothing. Everything we need will either be there for us already or dropped down when the time is right.” Jack stood. “Signe, I want ye’ to check on Felix one last time before we go.”

“I’m fine,” Felix sighed, wishing he wouldn’t have to spend another moment with her.

“I don’t give a shit,” Jack replied. “She’s doing checkups on the rest of us, too, I just wanna make sure you’re first so she can catch anything that could weigh us down. We don’t need a concussed man on this mission. Save me the SHIELD if you’re not even good to go.”

Felix wanted to kick him under the table, but he was already out of range. “Everyone get yourselves ready,” Jack ordered. “We’re gone tomorrow night.” Jack pointed at Signe, then Felix. “Get him checked out before everyone else. I mean it.”

Signe looked rather put out. “He was fine last night,” she said pointedly.

Jack paused. “… Last night?”

“Yeah,” she affirmed. “I ran into him in the hallway.”

Jack then looked to Felix with danger in his eyes. Felix met his gaze steadily, refusing to give in, even though he was suddenly very, very upset with Signe. The fucking bitch had— 

Felix took in a deep breath to steady himself. “I had a loud neighbor.”

Jack narrowed his eyes. “Disobey me again and I’ll make sure ye’ regret it.”

Felix already regretted a lot about last night. There wasn’t much more damage Jack could deal on purpose. “Anything else, sir?”

Jack stared at him after a slight flinch. Felix had never called him that before in seriousness. Maybe no one else understood what it meant, but Jack did, and he looked like he’d been slapped. Felix couldn’t feel sorry for it. He’d had to leave. 

“That’ll be all,” Jack snapped, suddenly in a worser mood. Felix took a minuscule amount of pride in that, then was instantly sorry for it. Signe had been the one to stab him in the back. Not Jack. Fuck, he’d taken it out on Jack, that was something he hated doing. He couldn’t fix it now, though. Not in front of everyone. He’d risk giving away too much when he was already so lucky that Jack was showing such personal favoritism in front of others. How badly had Felix just fucked all of this up? And after he’d made such progress.

“I’d like to get that check up over with,” Felix told Signe as he stood. “I’m sure you feel the same.” She glared at him, had the gall to look like he was the inconvenience, the one in the wrong. Fuck her. She’d just pushed Felix into fucking up one of the best things to happen to him in months.

“Upstairs again,” she told him, looking like she didn’t give a shit about how she’d just fucked him. 

“Down here’s fine,” Jack told her. “Just take ‘im into yer room and get his head straight, then let him on his way. No need for nothin’ special.” He glared at Felix again. “Don’t want him making the trip up all those flights. He needs rest. _Real_ rest.”

“For fuck’s sake, Jack—”

“Don’t ye’ fuckin’ fight me on this, Felix.”

Felix glared back. He could feel a vein in his neck as his jaw clenched. Jack was watching him like he was daring Felix to say anything else, and the others were watching with whiplash in their eyes. Jack going from playful to pissed off with Felix so quickly was probably weird for them. Felix suddenly realized he didn’t want to show them anything else. His anger ebbed and he loosened his jaw and fist. “My room’s fine,” he told Signe. “Just get it over with.”

He left the war room quickly so he couldn’t give anything else away. Signe didn’t follow, and Felix heard her say Jack’s name like she wanted to discuss something or maybe just whittle away Jack’s time, so he knew he could expect her to be late for some time. Felix went into his room, shut the door, lied on the floor, turned his face to the ceiling and shut his eyes.

. . .

He didn’t know when it was when he opened his eyes again, but someone was knocking on his door and they sounded rather insistent that he open up. Felix sighed and waited a little longer. He knew it had to be Signe. She was the only person who could be after him. He wondered if Jack had gotten pissed at her for putting off the checkup so long. As if. Jack actually liked Signe.

Felix pressed the bottoms of his palms into his eyes. He was being stupid. Jack liked him too. Felix was just being stupid and petty for having that perfect moment being turned into an argument so quickly. Why was it so hard to be in love? And why was he being such a dramatic dickhead?

The knocking turned into banging and Felix got up with a groan. “I’m coming, Signe, god,” He mumbled so she wouldn’t be able to hear him. He ran a hand through his hair, adjusted his glasses, and then opened the door. 

Ethan was standing in front of him. He jumped at how harshly Felix had opened the door, his own hand hovering in midair. Mark was just behind him, also looking a little startled. “We, uh,” Ethan began shakily. “We just wanted to show you something.”

Felix frowned and peered past them, looking for Signe anywhere. Not that he wanted to see the girl. He then looked between the two men and raised a brow. “Well?”

“It’s on the shit you had me download,” Ethan said. “And the stuff Jack wanted. It, uh, it’s kinda weird? And definitely more than a little freaky, so I figured you should see it first before I bring it to Jack. Maybe… maybe I shouldn’t show it to him at all.”

Felix hated how cryptic he was being. “Just show me.”

Ethan shuffled his feet for a bit until Mark gently pushed him by the shoulder to lead the way. Ethan led Felix upstairs, which immediately broke one of the rules Jack had set for him today, and into the computer room that, oddly enough, didn’t have Robin inside. It was the same as always. A bunch of clunky screens and hard drives and all of the shit that Felix had never really understood. His plethora of knowledge didn’t extend to technology beyond the old vehicles that had wheels on the bottom. 

Only one of the screens was on, casting a harsh, artificial light through the room. It was freezing cold inside, cold enough to have Felix wrapping his arms around his middle to retain some sort of warmth. The flimsy sweater he was wearing hardly helped him. “What is it?” Ethan pointed to the screen, and Felix bent over to see what it was. 

It was just some sort of document on scanned paper, which was weird but not unseen. A lot of information was put on paper when initially recorded just for longevity, but again, it was something only the ridiculously wealthy could afford, and definitely not a hub. “Paper,” he said. “Think it’s Central?”

“More likely the Chairwoman,” Ethan said, pointing to the bottom left corner. “See that? That’s the seal of the Collective Gates. This is government, not capitalism.”

Felix frowned. “What does it say?”

Ethan bit his lip. “Well. Not much.” He took a step back. “You, you read it.”

Felix frowned at him, but sat on the ground for a better angle and really looked at the scanned document. Who the hell even had scanners anymore? The document was just a bunch of black lines, like information had been marked over so it could never be read. Felix didn’t know what was such a big deal until he saw the only four words hadn’t been marked out. _“Felix and Fanny,”_ and _“beach.”_

Now, Felix wasn’t stupid. He knew there were other people in the continent named Felix, there absolutely had to be, but— 

His dream.

The one he’d just had after hitting his head, where he’d been standing with his toes in the warm sand with an expansive blue ahead and washing around his ankles. He knew what it had been, he had textbook pictures in his head and now the sensation of being there, he’d been standing at a beach. And now with his name and the name of a girl.

A girl that looked like how he wished he did. Blue eyes and blonde hair, nimble fingers that could play piano far better than he ever could, and a lilting voice that purposefully sang all the wrong notes just to annoy a frustrated teacher. Felix’s hands were shaking. 

“Is that about you?” Mark asked gently. “Do you know the other person?”

Felix shook his head. He had an image, but it could have come from any of the books he had stored away. Just because he could see a face with the name didn’t mean he knew who it was. “I don’t,” he said. “You can show this to Jack, I don’t think he’d care.” It wasn’t like Jack had ever known anyone by the name of Fanny either, so how could Felix? Jack had known Felix for as long as he could remember, and what Felix couldn’t remember before that had more than likely been spent on the streets. “It’s not me.”

“A beach is that thing by the water, right?” Ethan asked. “The huge lakes and seas and stuff. It’s called a beach?”

“I thought all the waters have been poisoned by the fallout,” Mark said.

“What fallout?” Ethan asked.

“Haven’t you heard how the world ended? There was a war, an endless war. Everyone just blew themselves up with poisonous bombs. The world was decimated by it. Nothing grows in the soil. Everything is dead and barren. Most of the oceans were dried up by the heat of the bombs, and what was left was irrevocably poisoned. The only way we’re able to drink it is the huge filters along the edge of the North wall. That’s all that’s keeping us from dying out.”

Ethan look mystified. “Dude. We destroyed the world?”

“The people before us did,” Mark corrected. “We’re just trying to survive in the midst of their mistake.”

Felix knew the story, and remembered the day Jack had learned it from his parents. Sitting on the floor in the tiny home, two children missing after their bodies had been identified just hours before. Felix remembered how angry Jack had looked. How furious. How he’d told his parents he wanted to take down whoever had been responsible and his parents had told him that he was too late. Those people had likely killed themselves years ago. Jack had felt cheated to have the opportunity for revenge taken from him. Jack had always been passionate. He’d always acted first, thought later. He would sooner shoot you the face than listen to your story. It was what had almost happened to Mark.

Felix faltered. “… Don’t show this to Jack,” he said, changing his mind. “Just, please don’t. I don’t know what he’ll think. It’s not me, but…”

“But he could think otherwise.” Mark nodded his understanding. “And he isn’t very well known for taking these sorts of things calmly. He could kill you.” 

Ethan’s eyes went wide in alarm. 

“I don’t think he’d go that far,” Felix said. There was nothing damning in this marked out document, just a huge fucking mystery. It wasn’t like it was incriminating Felix as being some sort of mastermind behind the Chairwoman’s bombings. And it wasn’t like Jack would just kill Felix over nothing, but he’d be upset and he’d want to dig, and they couldn’t afford the distraction that would come with Jack digging. “Just don’t show him. Not yet. It doesn’t say anything important to what we’re trying to do, so there’s no harm in hiding it.”

There was a knock on the wall and Ethan quickly did something with the keyboard to make the document go away. Felix and Mark looked to the left to see Signe. She was watching Felix with a pissed off expression. “I need to check your head.”

“That conversation was hours ago,” Mark said. “Have you really not done it yet? It’s almost dinner.”

“I was busy.”

“Busy with Jack?” Ethan waggled his brow like that meant something and Signe’s cheeks went pink. “Come on, we won’t tell.”

“I want this over with,” Felix said for what felt like the millionth time. He didn’t want to listen to Signe fabricate intimate moments between herself and Jack. “Can you please just look at my head and get Jack off my back?”

“You shouldn’t talk back to him,” she simpered. “He’s doing his best. You’re so hard on him.”

Felix rolled his eyes as Signe led him into the room next to the one they were just in, the room from last night that he could no longer remember with neutrality. He sat down on the regular, dingy chair that most patients sat in, suffered through the light in his eyes and her hands pushing through his hair to check for bruising. Answered all of her questions. No, he wasn’t suffering from dizziness or nausea. No, he hadn’t had a headache. Yes, he could keep his food down, and no, he was not seeing spots. No, he wasn’t—

Felix’s thoughts stumbled. “Can you repeat that?”

“Any loss of memory?” she asked again impatiently. “No gaps in your head, no loss of time? Falling asleep one place, waking up somewhere else?” Signe frowned and bent over to check his pupils again. “If you’re suffering memory loss, you—”

His body crashed in around him, lungs collapsing, heart seizing, thoughts flaring up like a fire and piercing behind his eyes. He desperately searched through his memories, trying to find a blank spot, a new one, something the could say that his world was being rewritten again, before he realized he wouldn’t be able to remember if something was missing. 

Felix shot out of the chair, shoving her aside to clear a path for the door. Felix had tunnel vision. He only saw the wall and the stairs and the hallways that would lead to escape, to air. He nearly fell down one of the flights and only barely caught himself on the handrail before he was moving again. His pulse was racing. He was burgeoning on a panic attack.

He couldn’t lose his memory. Not again, not again. He couldn’t forget. 

That emptiness of his thoughts, that black nothing that would great him every time he reached back for sensation or name or sound that he couldn’t place. That unfamiliarity with who he was and who he should be if only he could remember who he had been. Loss of memory was loss of self. Felix didn’t even know who he was beyond his name and birth, he didn’t know who he was, he had lost it all. If he lost it all again—

He pushed past others, nameless face keeping him from escape. He was shaking from head to toe and he couldn’t breathe right, the air coming out too quickly from his lungs and giving him vertigo. His vision swam. Felix dug his nails into his neck, turned a corner, and stumbled into Jack.

For a moment, he hated his luck and his inability to turn a corner without running into someone, but beyond that, all he felt was a misplaced, bone-deep relief. Jack was here, but they weren’t— they weren’t safe, Felix couldn’t—

“Felix, Felix, hey,” Jack said, grabbing him by the arms to stop him from moving, from running. Felix could barely see past the darkness encroaching in his peripherals, but he could still make out the way Jack’s brow was twisted in concern. “What happened?” he demanded. “Did Signe check ye’ out?”

Felix’s mouth was moving, but he couldn’t get anything out beyond a pitiful gasp of Jack’s name— his real name. The name stood out like a gunshot, and Felix was pushed onto the table, Jack’s hands at his neck and chest and face. The worry had become a panic that almost matched Felix’s as Jack checked every inch of Felix’s body for some sort of injury that he could stitch. Felix wasn’t supposed to use that name anymore. The fact that he had put Jack into a frenzy, knowing that something was bone deep and fucking _wrong_ and that Felix needed _help._

Felix shut his eyes and felt afraid. He could forget this. _He could forget Jack._ The passion, the laughter, the violence, the animalistic edge that made this man who he was. Felix could forget everything just like he had before, and all because he’d hit his head a little too hard. 

“Felix, answer me,” Jack ordered in a low voice, scraping on the edge of giving away too much and making Felix’s chest ache like a wound. “Yer fuckin’ pulse, Felix, you’re risking a heart attack. I need you t’ talk to me.” Jack’s hand pushed into Felix’s chest, feeling at the racing pulse. Felix could feel a clamminess to Jack’s skin, like he had been overcome with a fever. The clamminess was out of concern for him, though. Felix wished he hadn’t hurt Jack like this.

Felix then felt Jack’s hand on his face for a brief moment and denied himself the comfort of pressing into the touch. Then the hand was on his neck again and then on his side and hips and Felix shuddered at all of this _fucking touching_ because he didn’t know how he could be getting everything he ever wanted at all of the worst moments. His vision was spotty, a haze of black and white in his peripheral, like temporary blindness. He couldn’t see Jack’s face, but he could feel Jack’s breath. They were close. They were so fucking close.

“Felix, I need ye’ t’ talk to me,” Jack was saying, his voice low and shaking. God, he was begging. He was begging for _Felix._ “I need you t’ tell me where ye’ve been hurt. Did someone hurt you? Who did this?” Felix couldn’t respond, not really. He only wheezed Jack’s real name again, which caused one of the hands that was taking Felix’s pulse in his neck to spasm, like Felix had physically hurt him with the syllables. _”Felix, god, please.”_

“Jack!”

Felix’s eyes flew open to see Signe standing where he had once been, at the edge of the hall that led into the war room. Her steps faltered as she took in what she was seeing. Felix couldn’t imagine the conclusions she could be drawing. Felix was sitting on the edge of the table with Jack all up in his space, hands everywhere, touching Felix everywhere he could, no room left for air between them. Jack was bent over Felix in an instinctively protective stance, like he was shielding Felix from anymore harm. And Felix had put his left hand around Jack’s waist without meaning to in his hysteria, holding Jack close and not letting him get an further away than an inch. Even in the midst of Felix’s panic attack, it was an unmistakably intimate moment. 

Signe cradled her bleeding arm to her chest. Felix distantly wondered if he’d done that when he’d shoved her.

Jack immediately switched from concern for Felix to concern for Signe. “My medic,” Jack said, the words slipping out like he hadn’t meant to say them. “Fuck, Signe, what happened? Did someone attack ye’? Did someone attack you both?”

“No, Felix did this!” she shouted, all harsh accusations and cruelty. “He just lost it and pushed me into a scalpel, Jack! All I did was ask him about his head!” She sniffled. Felix didn’t know if she was actually crying from the pain or from a need to manipulate Jack. He hated her. A growl came from his throat, something inhuman and out of character. 

Jack took a step away from Felix, forcing Felix’s hand to fall from his waist, and watched him with an unreadable expression. Felix almost wished he had suffered memory loss so he wouldn’t have to remember this look on Jack’s face. “Take care of her,” he choked out, leaving in a rush, needing that air. He couldn’t be around anyone else right now. He went back upstairs and into the dilapidated lobby, pushing out into the barren farmlands. 

Felix looked out into the nothing, saw the walls rising ahead, and hated everything he had just done. Jack’s warm body was still in the palm of his head. He brought that hand to his own cheek and shuddered. He could picture the way Jack would carefully hold Signe’s bleeding arm and listen to her instructions on how to dress and stitch the wound like they would back in the wars before hypo shots. He rough hands would scrape along her soft skin and their eyes would meet. Jack would ask if Signe was alright and Signe would rush to assure him that she’d only been scared, scared for herself and Felix, that she was a strong and good doctor. And Jack would agree and their eyes would be locked together and they’d lean in and—

A scream of pain ripped itself from Felix throat. He instantly stifled the remainder of the sound and cursed himself for being so emotional. Felix dug his nails into his neck, looked back to the wall, and centered his breathing, deep within his chest.

Jack could have whoever he wanted. If who he wanted wasn’t Felix, then it wasn’t Jack’s fault. But Felix had something Signe never could. 

He pulled his hand down and looked at the bare skin of his wrist, picturing the words with ease. Signe could have Jack in the flesh, but she would never have the memories of who Jack was before all of this.

Felix needed to breathe. And then he needed a pen. A marker. Ink. All of these things were hard to find and out of supply and he didn’t know where he would be able to find any of it, but he needed it. He could ask for help from someone. Someone with connections. Sive or Mark or Tyler. 

Felix ran a hand over his face and crouched down on the ground, taking comfort in the dust surrounding him. The dust was uncaring and indestructible. It pervaded everything and ruined even the most efficient of machinery. Felix knew stories of people having to work day and night to clear dust and keep their machines working to stay alive. The dust didn’t give two shits about anything or people’s desire to live. It just fucking existed and Felix resolved to be a little more like it.

Fuck Signe. Fuck all of it. Jack was with her, he had made his decision to put her high in his priorities, and now she was above Felix. So what. It didn’t change anything. Felix was still going to fight and win this war for Jack and he was going to be there, at Jack’s side, until Jack pushed him away and made him leave. Until then, Felix was going to be there. First to jump, last to leave. It was who he was, an instinct that had lasted the eradication of his memories. And even if he did forget again, he knew he would defend a cause. He just needed to make sure that whoever he became would defend the right one.

And for that, he needed ink.


	5. Interlewd

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> go back and read the real chapter four-- this content was posted as chapter four, but is actually chronologically chapter five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuck me man i am just
> 
> so sorry
> 
> yeah go back for the real chapter four it's short like 6k so 
> 
> i'm basically screaming imagine dragons at my ceiling wailing **i'm so sorry** and it's lit but damn

Felix had another fifteen hours before they would be jumping on the second hub, which was plenty of time after bringing up his need for ink to Sive as surreptitiously as possible. Sive had directed him to Tyler, and then appointed himself as bodyguard for the excursion into the city that they were to embark on. 

It was easy, really, same schtick as a supply run. Hitch a ride on a food shipment, do their shit, then hitch a ride back. Tyler had set it all up in a matter of seconds and Sive had gotten himself a weapon that he probably wasn’t supposed to have. Tyler had mentioned a nervousness about taking Felix into the city without a medic, but—

“Put the thing on him.”  
Felix didn’t have time to react before he felt a sharp pinch to the side of his neck. He slapped at it reflexively, like killing a bug, but scowled when he felt cool metal. “Did you really just—”

“Jack would kill us if he knew we had taken you out of here without a medic _or_ a Shield,” Sive replied. “Fuck if I know why. Dude’s fuckin’ bipolar. One minute he loves you, one minute he’s got his hands around your throat. You oughta take it up with him, Felix. It’s starting to get worrisome.”

“It’s fine,” Felix said, scratching at where his skin was pinched by the new tech that was now permanently embedded in his flesh. It was a metal square with sharp edges and a lowered center that felt grated. He was pretty sure no one would be able to take this off without a knife or his own death. “It’s itchy.”

“It’s gonna save your life,” Tyler reminded him. “Don’t pull at it too much. You could scar.”

“It’s like a piece of jewelry,” Sive said with a teasing grin. “Such a pretty girl.”

Felix cast his eyes away, grit his teeth, and scratched at the Shield again. He wondered if he would bleed if he tugged at the edges enough. He still felt shaky and out of sorts from his earlier breakdown.

“There’s your ride,” Tyler said rather suddenly, looking down at his computer. “The dude says you guys can sit in the front, you lucky bastards. Actually see a bit of the continent.”

They wouldn’t see any of the continent. Felix knew that what was called the Continent today actually covered the circle of what was once Russia, Turkey, Iran, Pakistan, India, Bhuta, China, and every country in the middle. Most of the countries had been leveled ages ago by war and infrastructure. Felix was sure that if anyone from the years before came to this future, they wouldn’t be able to recognize their world.

From the front of the pod, sitting along the long, uncomfortable bench that farmers insisted on their pods having because they were the only people that insisted on manual steering out of the old days, Felix could only see more of the carbon sky being lit up by the lights beyond, and nothing else. There wasn’t much to see when everything was flattened and concrete. Sive seemed to like it, though. Maybe it was the fabricated geography. The false symmetry. Maybe it was because he didn’t know what the world could have looked like other than how it did now. Felix couldn’t necessarily boast that he knew better, but at least he had pictures and a stilted memory of sand between his toes. 

The only thing the farmer said to them, his skin white and fragile from being underground nearly every day of his life, was “my sister will be grabbing you on the way back.” Felix had nodded his gratitude as Sive had offered to shake hands, an action that was denied. Farmers revered the wellbeing of their hands. 

Felix dropped to the rooftop the pod was hovering above and Sive followed. The place they were going to was part of the basement of this very building, so Felix went into the stairwell and jumped the levels with Sive just behind. The basement door was marked up with colorful words and pictures, but Felix wasn’t interested in anything complicated. He remembered reading about tattooing from years ago and wasn’t sure how much it had changed, but Sive and Tyler both seemed pretty easygoing about the whole thing.

“I’d get some ink if I could,” Sive told him. “Color doesn’t show up well on darker skin, y’know. A guy as pale as you is the perfect canvas.” Sive opened the door for Felix. “Chick owes me a favor so we don’t owe her any Merits. What are you gonna get?” 

“Something,” Felix said vaguely. When Sive made a face, Felix gave him an apology with a shrug of his shoulders. “It’s weird. Sorry. I’ll let you see it, but…”

“It’s personal,” Sive said for him. “I get that. I wouldn’t mind the story, but I’m sure you’ve got your reason for keeping it.”

Felix just nodded. He went in after Sive, taking in the dark, open rooms that were lit up by low neon and black light. The floor was dirty and there was art on all the walls, painted and framed in variation. There were people, all of them with bags under their eyes, some in chairs with people bent over them and others standing around, as if waiting for orders to be given. They all watched Felix with dark eyes as Sive led him past. Sive kept close to Felix, especially when one woman raked her eyes over Felix in the wrong way. Felix absolutely hated how he looked and the way it drew attention to him. He sometimes wished he could shave his head and mangle his face with a knife. Cut out his eyes. Another woman approached Felix, her hand coming out to touch Felix’s neck.

Sive stopped walking and smacked the hand away. “Don’t touch him.”

“Is he yours?” she asked. “Is that why you’re getting him inked? Put your name in him? I doubt you can afford an Exotic like him, sweetie.”

“He ain’t mine, but he sure as hell ain’t yours either.” Sive jerked his chin out. “Fuck off.”

She looked disappointed but didn’t push. Felix was rigid and he pressed his side against Sive’s on instinct, attached to the person protecting him. Felix didn’t like hurting people and he didn’t like killing. If a girl as innocent as that one decided she was going to make him hers, he wouldn’t be able to fight back. He just couldn’t make himself do it.

“Sive!”

Felix’s head snapped to the left at the sound of Sive’s name. He saw a woman— another fucking woman, please don’t do this— with completely clear skin and light pink hair. Even though she had no ink, she had t be good at her job to be able to afford keratin dye. She waved Sive over, her expression serious. “Get over here,” she told Sive. Sive took Felix by the arm and pulled him into the room the woman was standing in front of.

“Hela,” she said, nodding once to Felix. “You should’ve told me I was marking an Exotic.”

“You’re not,” Sive said. “He’s a free man.”

She scoffed. “Looking like that? Not for long.”

Felix tensed again. His stomach was starting to hurt. “I don’t—”

“Felix is the right hand man of Jack himself,” Sive said, lowering his voice. “You’d be fucking stupid to try and take him out from under Jack’s nose.”

Hela rolled her eyes, but Felix saw that it was for show. The way she crossed her arms over her chest and took a step back said she was actually affected by the threat of Jack’s wrath. “Fine. What am I doing?”

“Ask him,” Sive said. “He’s a person, remember?”

Hela looked to Felix like it pained her to meet his eyes. “What do you want?”

“A name,” Felix said.

“I said I’m not marking—”

“It’s a name for me,” Felix interrupted. “A name, a date, another name. Here.” He pointed to the inside of his left wrist. “Nothing crazy, no art or images or elegance. I just need the easy letters in simple print, that’s all.”

“Sure.” She narrowed her eyes. “And what am I putting down?” Hela turned away and grabbed a small computer that had a backlit screen and a small camera on the underside. She typed something, then looked up at him expectantly. Her eyes caught on the tech on Felix’s neck. She had to know how out of place it was for anyone in the Western district to have their hands on something like that. She forced her eyes past it. “What am I putting down?”

Felix paused. “… Felix. 10-24-189. Seán.”

Hela frowned. “Shaun?”

“S-e-a-n with an acute accent over the A.”

She nodded and typed. “And any particular layout?”

“Just a list down my wrist.”

“Okay. Mind if I ask why?”

Felix hesitated again. “I just, I need to make sure it’s something I remember.”

“Sounds like you’ve got a lot of baggage for an Exotic.”

“Dude, he’s not a fucking—”

“How permanent do you want this?” Hela interrupted Sive without remorse.

“I want it to last until I die.”

Hela nodded again. “Alright. Sit down.” Felix did. She tossed the computer up and it stayed there, hovering in the air. She maneuvered it over Felix’s wrist, which he held out for her on the arm of the uncomfortable leather chair he’d been sat in that looked like something stolen from a hospital. Hela grabbed what looked like a pen with a glass ink bottle attached to the top. She grabbed a needle from her table, a long one about the length of Felix’s pinky. She peered down at Felix’s wrist through the screen, hit a button on the pen to make it hum to life, and then dug the needle into Felix’s skin.

He didn’t feel a thing.

“The ink has a natural anesthetic,” she told him. “You might not be able to use your left hand as well as you normally could for the next couple days, but it’ll be perfect again in a week. Just don’t do anything crazy.”

He was supposed to do something crazy in about 15 hours. Felix suddenly second guessed his decision to get his ink so spontaneously. He had to a jump to make tomorrow, even if they were coming up from the pipes rather than the sky. He wasn’t sure if he should risk having his left hand being entirely useless. Fuck, at least it wasn’t his right hand. He could still shoot with his right if he had to. 

He watched the ink spread through his skin, watching the simple lines form, marring his flesh forever in a way he sorely wanted and needed. Even if he lost it all again, he’d know who he was, how long he’d been alive, and who he needed to find. At least he would know what mattered. 

Hela finished quickly. She wiped away any lingering ink with the sleeve of her shirt and grabbed a bottle, spraying something across his wrist. The spray bubbled up, solidified for a few seconds, and then melted away, leaving Felix’s skin fresh and clear, save the black lines across his pulse. Felix breathed easily and pulled his hand in to run his thumb over his wrist. There wasn’t even a lingering ache, which he almost wished he had, but he was happy to have the words there regardless. Felix looked up at the woman and said a quiet, yet sincere, “thank you.”

She seemed surprised by the sentiment. Hela nodded haltingly, then looked to Sive. “We’re square, right? I know ink doesn’t measure up to what you did, but look at him. People are going to be glaring my way for weeks. We’re not supposed to ink Exotics.”

“Jesus fuck, Hela, he’s not—”

“I know that, but no one else does, and they sure as hell won’t listen to me.” She put her pen to the side and stood. “Swear to god, Sive, if this gets me killed—”

“You know it won’t,” he interrupted. “Just tell them to fuck off.” Sive reached out to shake her hand. “Thanks, Hela. I’d say I owe you one, but I guess we’re officially done with that shit. I’d also say catch you later, but…”

“I’m outta here, Sive,” Hela said. “I’ve got enough. I’m getting smuggled.”

Felix frowned. “What?”

“Smuggled,” she repeated. “Through the gate? If you pay this one guy enough, he can get you across and out of the city through B-5.”

“And do what?” Felix asked. “There’s nothing out there.” Especially out B-5. It led out of the North district into water. If Felix were to ever consider leaving the continent, he’d go out a D or E gate.

“Nothing has to be better than this,” Hela replied. “Maybe the Omerians will take me in. I think they used to call that asylum. It doesn’t matter. We’re all dying out here and the Chairwoman is losing the war. She can’t protect us anymore.”

“The Omerians are the ones killing us,” Felix argued, going with what she knew. It wasn’t really the Omerians, but if she thought it to be them and was still intending to seek asylum with them, he wanted to understand her logic behind the decision. “You would really go to them?”

“Who else is there?”

Felix paused. “You could always stay.” He had never heard of people escaping the city. A century ago, there used to be trade with the outer world, but nearly everyone had been wiped out by the fallout plague that had spread from corpses. It was why the gates of the continent were closed. It keep the plague out. That, and he Inner Gate Rebellion fourteen years ago. Felix still wasn’t even sure how the Omerians had survived or why the rebellion had taken place. “Lesser of two evils,” he said. “Maybe the Chairwoman can’t save anyone, but isn’t that better than whatever you’ll face outside?”

“The carbon is endless,” Sive told her. “Nothing grows out there. All of the water is poisoned. There’s no way you’ll survive. Whoever is sending you across may as well be taking off your head.”

“Better than waiting for a bomb to bring the ceiling down.” She took a step back. “He’s done, so we’re done. I won’t be here this time next week. Good luck with your shit, Sive. I hope your man can actually fix this place, but I’m not going to be here regardless. Just make sure you’re not putting your faith in the wrong person.”

“Jack’s gonna fix this,” Sive told her confidently. “Maybe the guy ain’t the nicest in the world, but he’s got a girl to keep him human and a smart eye. He’ll get what he wants regardless of what he has to do for it and that means we’ll get this continent fixed if he has to die trying.”

Hela shook her head. “Kids like you shouldn’t be dying over this shit.”

“Hela, you’re younger than me.”

She made a face. “Exactly. That’s how I know you’re still a kid.”

Sive tapped Felix’s shoulder. “Is this what you wanted?”

Felix looked down at the name on the bottom of the list and felt something slide into place in his chest. He nodded, brushing the fingertips of his other hand over the ink saying “Seán” and breathed shakily. “This is perfect.” He looked up at Hela and said, “thank you. I wish I could repay you.”

She frowned. “What on earth could you give me?”

Felix didn’t know. 

“This guy knows everything,” Sive said. “A to Z, beginning to end. If you have a question about anything, ask him.”

She frowned deeper. “What does my name mean?”

Felix faltered, surprised. “What?”

“See, Sive? He doesn’t know everything.”

“It’s the god of death,” Felix told her. “It’s hell. Why would your parents name you that?”

“They didn’t,” She said. “I was really named Celine but my mother said I wasn’t beautiful enough for the name. I saw the name Hela in the sky one day and thought it was better for me, though I never knew what it meant. You’re telling me it means hell?” She looked away. “Should have guessed that.”

“A name can mean whatever you make it,” Felix told her, feeling sorry. “It’s just a word.”

“What does your name mean then?”

“It means lucky,” he replied. “And I can tell you that I do not live up to it.”

Hela nodded. “And Sive?”

“Pretty sure Sive is an Irish name for a girl.”

“What’s Irish?”

“My name’s Muhammed,” Sive interrupted. “I’ve never heard of that name before so I just went with something else.”

“Muhammed was a prophet,” Felix told him. “He founded one of the largest religions of the old word. The name meanings praiseworthy or glorified.”

Sive made a face. “Prophet? Those are useless.”

“They probably would have stoned you for saying that back then.”

“Stoned?” Hela repeated. 

“It’s a form of execution.”

She sneered. “Do you get off on knowing everything about a dead era?”

Felix looked down, feeling chastised for something he couldn’t help. He didn’t answer.

“It just all seems so useless,” she continued. “Who would even bother teaching someone all of that? How do you even know if it’s real? No one’s had access to the history books for ages. We aren’t taught all of that for a reason, you know. It’s dangerous to know all of that. It’s what brought about the end.”

Felix refused to believe that. “Thank you for this,” he said, holding up his hand and wrist. “You didn’t have to.”

“Yes I did,” Hela replied stubbornly. “Again, I’d say I’ll see you around, Sive, but I don’t intend to see you ever again, nor do I want to.”

Sive flipped her off, but he was smiling. “Good luck outside the continent, Hela. I hope fairytales come true for you.”

“Why is Jack even doing this?” Hela asked.

“He has a different answer every time. Last time I asked, he’s doing it for revenge. But the last person to ask him was Ethan, and Ethan said Jack told him he was doing it to change the government and get rid of caste systems and shit.”

Hela nodded. “Whatever you guys are planning, don’t let them catch you.”

Felix was surprised at the sudden conviction in her voice. “I thought you think we’re foolish or something. Too young to fight.”

“It doesn’t matter how young you are, you’re the only ones fighting,” she sighed. “And maybe I think all of your useless information is just that— fucking useless— but I do think you’re a good kid and I know Sive is good as well. So just— don’t get caught. They’ll kill you if they do.”

“Didn’t know the Chairwoman supported execution,” Sive said. 

“Something tells me this isn’t the Chairwoman,” Hela replied. Sive scoffed, because of course it was the Chairwoman. Who else could be behind all of this? Not only would the mastermind need countless sums of Merits, but also a large social influence and a strong hold over the inner workings of the gates themselves. The Chairman from over one hundred years ago had been the one to put everything into play by making the first move and closing off the gates to the plague. It had only been a matter of time from there.

“Whatever you believe, it doesn’t change the fact that this world needs change,” Sive said. “And Jack’s gonna give it to us. Even if he’s got to burn down the walls to get us there.”

“And if whatever is on the other side of the walls is a death sentence?”

“Well, be sure to let us know once you cross over, yeah?” Sive pat her on the arm. “I’d say I’ll miss you, but I’m sure you’d fine some way to insult me in saying it. So I’ll just say it again— good luck out there, Hela.”

She nodded and gave Sive a small smile. “You too, Sive.”

Sive pulled Felix from the seat and they left quickly, heading to the front of the building rather than the roof. Felix was quiet, looking at the black ink in his skin and wondering how he would hide it. He couldn’t imagine things going over well if anyone else saw this. It would raise too many suspicions. “How did you know her?” Felix asked, wanting to hear some sort of noise.

“Grew up in Central together,” Sive said. “But by ‘grew up,’ I mean we only knew each other for a few months before I left. Had to get her out a couple years later, a smuggling deal I did with Tyler before I got recruited by Odin’s Chosen.”

“We didn’t recruit you,” Felix said. “You just showed up and said ‘I’m in.’”

Sive grinned. “Yeah. Mamma always did teach me to take life by the horns.”

“Jack was impressed,” Felix told him, remembering the moment well. It was before they’d had a home in the farmlands, back when Jack worked out of randomly selected abandoned buildings and dug through data caches until his eyes were red and his brain fried. Jack had just finished orchestrating a take down of Central’s sky to time how long it took Enforcers to respond and which districts had true loyalty to Central above their own. Sive had shown up in the aftermath, boasting the best shot in the West, North, and South (but not all four), wanting to join. It had taken two weeks of Sive’s stubborn insistence for Jack to give in. That was back when Jack had wanted to keep the numbers of the rebellion small, seven at most. How much that had changed. “He didn’t think most people would be able to find him, let alone have the guts to knock on the front door.”

“No guts, no glory,” Sive said. “You told me that. When we first met.” Sive smiled wider. “Jack was all bad cop and you were all gentle handshakes and reassurance that I wouldn’t be shot. And then you said that saying and it’s been stuck in my head ever since.”

“Major General Frederick C. Blesse,” Felix said. “From the Korean war.”

“What’s Korean?”

Felix shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. It’s all dead.”

Sive paused. “She was talking shit, you know. I think all the stuff you’ve got in that head of yours is cool. And it isn’t wasted. Maybe I don’t know all of your shit with Jack, but I’m starting to think he relies on the shit you’ve got in there for some sort of morale.”

“You think?”

He nodded. “You guys passed some kind of inside joke in the War Room before everything went to shit, thanks to Signe. Maybe I haven’t given Jack enough credit. I just don’t like how he treats you, man. It’s abrasive.” Sive opened the door for Felix, glancing behind them to make sure they weren’t being followed. “But I get the feeling you know him better than me.”

Felix shrugged. “Maybe Signe does too.”

“Dude, Signe’s a special thing,” Sive sighed. “I don’t know how the hell she got through that shell casing exterior, but she’s a damn hero for managing it. You seem to know Jack better than anyone, after her. Do you think he’s gonna, like, bring down the government, kill the Chairwoman, drop to a knee, and ask her to marry him? Because there’s a betting pool.” Sive leaned against the wall of the building as they waited for their ride. Felix held his breath, the acid rain falling around them. He didn’t want to consider this.

“I don’t think Jack believes in marriage,” Felix murmured. “It’s just the government saying he needs to register to be with someone.” Would Jack want to be with Signe? Would she be the end game for him? When everything was said and done, would he take her and go somewhere peaceful and enjoy the rest of his life with her? And only her? Because Signe hated him. She wouldn’t want Felix anywhere near them. 

“Then do you think he’s gonna, like, confess when everything’s over?” Sive pressed. “Because everyone gets that he’s single minded. Doesn’t want to be distracted until he’s finished. But once he’s won, what would stop him?”

Nothing would stop him. “Maybe he will,” Felix said. His heart clenched painfully at the thought.

“Who’s Seán?” Sive asked. 

“An old friend,” Felix replied. 

“Is he dead?”

“I think so.”

Sive nodded. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

It was too much. Felix shut his eyes as his chest spasmed with another panic attack. What would he do in the end without Jack? What future did he have without him? Literally nothing. Felix couldn’t see anything before him if Jack was with Signe, rebuilding his family and living in peace. Felix reached to the ink, wrapping his hand around the wrist and forcing himself to breathe. At least he would have this. Maybe, if he was lucky, he _would_ forget. And since Jack was only Jack now, Felix would never find him and ruin his life again. Felix would only have Seán.

Felix opened his eyes to see Sive watching him oddly. He looked away, uncomfortable underneath his stare. “Pickup’s late.”

“Did you seem him die?” Sive pressed. “He might be alive, dude. We could always have Jack find him for you.”

“It’s pointless,” Felix said with a shake of his head. “And he’s better off without me.”

“Better off without a guy like you? Hardly. You’re more loyal than a dog. Whoever he was, he was lucky to have you and he’d be overjoyed to have you again.” Sive grasped Felix’s shoulder and squeezed like he meant to comfort. “I’ll bring it up to—”

“Please don’t,” Felix interrupted. “He, he doesn’t need to know. Don’t tell him about the ink either, okay? He has more important things to worry about.”

“But dude, if your left hand is fucked—”

“I’ll be fine,” Felix swore. “I will. I’ve never let Jack down before, and I don’t aim to do so any time soon. Just trust me, okay? Everything will go off without a hitch and you won’t need to tell Jack about this. Promise me you won’t.”

Sive hesitated.

_”Promise.”_

“I promise,” Sive said, his voice low. “Just not sure how you can defend the way he treats you and then act so afraid of him.” Sive shook his head. “Fuck, dude, you worry me sometimes.”

A pod stalled just overhead, below the engine limit, but quiet enough for no one to really be bothered by the excess noise. Felix just ignored Sive’s concerns and climbed into the opened passenger door, belatedly offering a hand to Sive just behind him to pull him up. The woman driving looked stern and dead set on her task. Sive didn’t try to continue the conversation because of her and Felix was glad for it.

. . .

“Where’d ye’ go.”

Felix tore his eyes from the weapon in his hand— specifically his right hand— to look at Jack. Their time was up. They were about to cross into the Northern district. Felix hadn’t ever left the West before unless it was for Central and he wasn’t sure what to expect. He was admittedly nervous, but wasn’t about to let anyone catch on. Felix had his expression in full-blown neutrality, even when he looked to Jack at the sound of something that was more of a statement than a question. “Hm?”

Jack frowned. “Today. You were gone. Where’d ye’ go?”

“I had to take care of a few things before we left.”

“And those things were?”

Felix shrugged. “Just things.”

“Things that required leaving the farmlands?”

“It wasn’t anything sordid or illegal, if that’s what you’re wondering.”

“What, you think I’d get on ye’ for anything like that? For fuck’s sake, Felix, I don’t give a shit what the motive was, I just wanna know if I should be concerned.”

Felix frowned back. “Why would you be?”

Now Jack looked incredulous. He lowered his voice so severely that no one around would be able to hear unless they made their snooping obvious and leaned in. “Maybe because ye’ had a fuckin’ panic attack in me arms? I can’t just forget that that happened. Last time ye’ had a panic attack, it took my da’ and Allison to get ye’ t’ breathe again. I’m lucky ye’ didn’t suffocate in me arms due to my inability to help you in any way.” Felix noticed that Jack looked more upset with himself than Felix. “I should’ve been better. I was never any good for you.”

“You, you did fine,” Felix said, stumbling over Jack’s sudden transparence. “You’ve only ever been the best for me. Don’t doubt yourself.”

Jack grimaced. “Didn’t seem like it. Not when ye’ ran away. I shouldn’t have gone t’ Signe. She’s a medic, she can patch herself up. I should’ve stuck with you. Ye’ obviously needed me more.” Jack tugged at his hair like he was punishing himself. “Stupid. Wasn’t even much of a scratch. She just freaked out and thought she could get ye’ in trouble or something. Don’t know why she has it out for ye’, Felix. Always so fuckin’ underfoot and possessive. Don’t understand any of her.”

Felix’s heart clenched for a moment as he fell in love with Jack a little more for his selective simplicity. He didn’t know Signe was in love with him. He didn’t know any of it. “She cares about you,” Felix told him softly. He wasn’t sure why he wanted to stick up for her, but he knew he wanted Jack to know he was cared for. “That’s all, Jack. She’s loyal and wants to help.”

Jack grimaced deeper. “If she were smart, she wouldn’t be so hard on ye’.”

God, Felix was about to go into heart palpitations. “She doesn’t know any better.”

“She should. She ain’t dumb. Ain’t no excuse.”

Felix wanted to smile. He tightened his grip on the gun to deny himself the weakness. “Maybe she’ll get it one day. Until then, it doesn’t bother me.” As long as Jack knocked on his wall when everyone else was asleep, Felix wouldn’t have any reason to worry.

Jack sighed. Then he whispered, “I’m nervous.”

Felix’s head snapped in his direction, just barely keeping his neutrality in check. “… Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Jack affirmed. “Never jumped a border. Never relied on permits. Never had to trust some family in a different district t’ keep us safe. There’s a lot of variables I ain’t ever had to consider before and it’s all so messy. We don’t have another choice, I know, but the doesn’t stop me from wishing we did.”

Felix nodded slowly to show he understood. “Don’t worry, Jack,” he said. “I trust you.”

Now Jack’s gaze snapped to his. His blue eyes searched Felix’s face, unreadable in their scrutiny. “Yeah?” Jack asked, his voice shaking at the edge. He sounded almost hopeful.

Felix let his mouth turn up in the tiniest of smiles, meant only for Jack. “Yeah. Always have. Always will. With my life.” How could Jack think anything less? Everything Felix had done was for him at this point, to a disturbing extent that Jack had only just now become aware of. Why would Felix do any of that if he didn’t already trust Jack to have his life in interest in turn? 

“I just want t’ make sure you realize I’m…” Jack trailed off, looking away. Felix waited for him to continue, knowing sometimes Jack needed to sort his thoughts before he could get to the meat of what he really needed to say.

“Before,” Jack finally continued after that long moment. “Before what happened in Central, I was just goin’ through all the motions and shit t’ keep this fuckin’ rebellion chugging along. I thought ye’ safe. And that’s all I’ve wanted. For how much I failed, I just wanted t’ make sure you know that even in my mistakes, I’m always lookin’ out for ye’, Felix. Always.” Jack pat him on the shoulder. “And it’s all I’ve ever aimed t’ do.” Jack paused, his eyes on Felix’s neck rather than his face. He then took in a breath and said, “load up, Felix. Ride’s here and we’re headin’ out.”

Jack left and Felix watched him go, feeling something swell in his chest. Somehow Jack always seemed to know when Felix’s faith in Jack’s loyalty to him wavered and always knew the best way to build that faith back up and keep Felix from slipping into despair. Felix dug his nails into his newly tattooed wrist and relished the feeling. Then he chanced a glance in his peripherals and cut his eyes down to Jack’s ass because he was about to put his life on the line again and he felt like he deserved the moment of appreciation. 

God, Jack had a really nice ass, too. He always wore these tight pants, somehow about hating the feeling of grime getting beneath his skin through loose fitting clothing, and he wasn’t even wearing his father’s jacket today either, so Felix could easily see he delicious curve of his hips and the line of his thighs. Felix was basically undressing Jack with his eyes with no remorse. He might very well die tomorrow, after all.

Something inside his chest fluttered, something like a laugh, as if the very idea of Jack ever letting him die was a joke in itself.

. . .

Getting to the North District gate was the easy part— getting through would be the issue. Felix had never seen inside a District divider, and was surprised when the white walls seemed somewhat familiar. Everything was white and brightly lit and clean like a hospital. Felix was almost afraid to step on the ground.

“Are there protocols?” Ethan was asking in a hushed whisper as Mark led them all down the hallway. Mark looked as nonchalant as could be, which was good, because most of the others had expressions of anxiousness. At least Mark would look convincingly innocent. “Do we have to say a secret password? Are we supposed to be wearing anything specific? Who are we again?”

“I really would prefer to have some sort of understanding of who we’re supposed to be,” Robin agreed with Signe next to him. He had insisted on keeping the medic nearby, as Signe was wearing the other SHIELD under Jack’s orders. Contrary to Felix, Signe wore her SHIELD proudly, like she thought it was a beacon of Jack’s feelings for her. The way everyone congratulated and commented on the SHIELD made it seem like everyone agreed with her.

“We’re Mark’s friends,” Amy replied, just a step behind Mark’s assured gate. “And he’s taking us to meet his family. We have the permits and we can use our real first names, as they’re the ones on the permits in the first place.” She narrowed her eyes back at Ethan. “Act like you know what you’re doing and they won’t have any reason to think otherwise.”

Ethan didn’t look consoled. He stuck close to Felix’s side, apparently having decided Felix was the person he could trust the most to keep him safe. Felix scratched unthinkingly at the SHIELD in his skin. It really was a nuisance. 

“Right here,” Mark said, his voice oddly loud. “Don’t worry, guys, my parents will give us a good amount of resources. No pictures, of course, but I think you won’t really need any. Jack is such a wordsmith, you know? I’m sure he can describe the wall better than any picture we could take. He’s a true poet.”

Jack made a face before catching on that Mark was already in some sort of role. Felix realized they hadn’t come up with a single story as to _why_ they were all suddenly trying to get into the other district, so Mark was just making one up as they went. It was a bit of a stretch, but Felix assumed it was some sort of project cover up.

“Architecture analysis documents need pictures,” Amy chimed in, sounding condescending. Alright, more than likely a project now. “Even if they are education level and not legitimate.”

Felix wanted to roll his eyes. The cover was weak and relied heavily on previous knowledge on how the education system in this fucked up society worked. Felix had never been educated. Neither had Ethan, Jack, nor Signe. Sive had been for only a few years and Amy and Mark had the most extensive knowledge. The only person who was actually educated was Robin, and that had been done illegal. So unless they were all expected to just remain relatively silent—

“Let us do the talking,” Amy whispered to the group as they turned and a desk came into view, with a lone guard sitting at said desk, with two metal pieces beside her that faced each other across the only gap of space that led into the Northern District. Felix thought that relying on only two people for their entire cover story was a little insane, but they hadn’t given them much to go with beforehand, and it wasn’t like Odin’s Chosen were on any sort of watch list as of yet, no memo gone out that warned guards of groups of young adults looking just on this side of too old for their official ages. Except for Ethan. Ethan looked his age, possibly even younger, to the bone. Felix found himself quickening his pace to match Ethan’s again. The kid was his responsibility, and if anything went wrong at this gate, he would be in charge of Ethan’s wellbeing. 

They approached the desk, the lone guard tiredly resting her hand against the side of her face to keep her head up as she read something on her wrist computer. Mark went up to the desk and smiled widely. “Good morning.”

The guard looked up and narrowed her eyes in confusion. “Mr. Fischbach?”

“Yes ma’am, bright and early as always.”

“No one’s seen you for days.”

“Didn’t my father tell you? Anyone? I’ve been studying the construction of the West Wall, learning about the infrastructure. Someone has to keep these walls standing after all of you retire, y’know?”

The guard cracked a grin. “I’m assuming you’ve got permits for these guys?”

“They’ve all got their own,” Mark replied. “We’ll go through one by one if it makes you feel safer.”

“Making your friends get their own permits?” The guard tutted disdainfully and shook her head. “I thought your father raised you better than that.”

“They need to learn these vital skills for themselves!” Mark defended valiantly, his voice raised with booming laughter that had Felix flinching. Mark was bright and alive and vibrant, a stark contrast to the cold, clean, barren hallways. Felix is suddenly met with the harsh realization that Mark probably would have left the North District and his father’s intentions even if Amy hadn’t brought him to the rebellion. Mark wasn’t meant for this sterile world. He felt things too passionately to become just another face in the faceless halls. 

Oddly enough, Felix suddenly felt himself glad that Mark had come to them, whether or not he was their saving grace. 

“One at a time,” the guard said, waving Mark past without even thought. Felix watched how Mark went between the two slabs of metal (an x-Ray or detector of some kind) and saw nothing remarkable in his movement. It looked like they literally just had to walk through. Jack went up to the guard first, holding out his hand. The permit (and credentials if they had them) was worked into the fine flesh up the upper right hand. Originally, permits and credentials were installed in the neck, but people had complained of headaches from the foreign object, signals that came from it, and reported iron saturation in the bloodstream from where the immune system was attempting to dissolve the tiny, flimsy chips and absorb it into the body. But the top of the hand was frail and the chip was unobtrusive when inserted there. It was much more painful and irritating, but most reported growing used to the sensation. 

Jack absolutely hated his, Felix could see that. He didn’t scratch at it like Felix would scratch at the tech on his neck, but he kept squeezing his wrist tightly, like he was trying to cut off sensation from the limb. Felix found himself wanting to pry Jack’s hand form his body to keep him from hurting himself. 

It was something Felix had done for years, actually, long before this. When Jack had been younger— when they’d first met, actually— when Jack had been nine, he’d had this bad habit of chewing his nails down to bloody stubs. Felix had first made himself useful to Jack by pulling the boy’s hand from his mouth whenever he was trying to tear the nails from his skin. Felix had broken Jack of the habit after a few months, and then it was on to the next tick, like how Jack would pull at his hair (Felix would pull his hands away and let Jack dig his fingers into Felix’s palm instead), or how Jack would bite down so hard on his lip he’d make it bleed (Felix would tug at Jack’s ear until he let go), or how Jack would even scratch endlessly at a single spot in his inner arm until it was raw and red and awful (Felix would pull Jack’s hands away, tangle their fingers together, and ask him why— Jack would never have a reason). 

Felix watched Jack tightened his hand around his wrist again, the skin whiting out with the severity of his grip. His own hand twitched with the need to keep Jack from hurting hisself. It was instinct at this point, something ingrained in his very being. He couldn’t remember who he was before Jack.

Then Jack was looking at him, frowning, almost concerned. Felix blinked back into awareness and realized he’d just been standing, staring at Jack’s wrist, while the guard patiently waited for Felix to come forward. Felix was the last one. Everyone else was on the other side of the gate by now. Felix blinked rapidly and shook his head minutely to get his thoughts back. “Sorry,” he said, striding to the desk and holding out his wrist. The guard waved him off. She’d probably dealt with weirder people. The guard scanned Felix’s wrist, then looked down at her computer, and then she stopped.

The oddest expression came over her face. Her brow twisted up, her mouth twisted down. She squinted at the screen like she didn’t understand what he was seeing. In his peripherals, Felix saw Jack tense and reach for the LARS that wasn’t on his hip. Jack was already planning how to get Felix out of whatever had gone wrong. Had Ken fucked up Felix’s permit? Had Mark’s mother done something wrong? Felix refused to give anything away. He kept his shoulders back, chin up, and waited. “Is something wrong?”

“No, uh…” The guard didn’t look up, though. “You— have we met before?”

Felix’s heart stuttered in his chest. “I don’t think so,” he responded in a cool voice that contrasted greatly with suddenly mounting panic. “I’ve never been out of the West district before.”

“I could swear…” The guard sighed and shook her head. “Ever had a run in with the law?”

Felix was about have a panic attack. “Never,” he replied. Movement caught his eye. Jack was starting to round the other side of the desk, eyeing the guard with deadly intent, like he was considering the quickest way to kill the guard with his bare hands. Felix cleared his throat harshly, tearing Jack’s attention away from his murderous instincts. He shook his head minutely when their eyes met. Felix could handle this. “Stellar citizen my whole life. Never even talked back to my parents.”

The guard nodded, still staring at the screen. “White hair, blue eyes. A little rare, you know.”

“Is that a problem?”

“No, no, just— no, I’m sure it’s fine.” Impossibly, the guard swiped her screen and waved him through. But then she lowered his voice and said, “Don’t cause any trouble. Looking like you, people are going to pay more attention. And not to raise any alarm, but someone with your name and bare details is from an old memo from years ago. Something about seize or execute. Be sure to clarify where you’re from if any Enforcers stop you, yeah? Don’t want any confusion.”

Felix pulled back his wrist, keeping his expression schooled as his mind lost its traction. His name and a seize or execute order. He glanced to Jack and the others and saw that they couldn’t hear what was being told to him by the guard. Jack was watching the guard with suspicion, but that was it. “How long ago?” 

The guard frowned. “Couldn’t tell you exactly, but over ten years. The memo is bare basics. It also looks like it was resolved, but that’s shaky. Says here the kid was killed but— well, there isn’t a date or anything for it. No reason for you to be alarmed, just be aware that it might cause some confusion at first. Plus, the North is a stickler for keeping old memos and documents long past their lifetime. It’s nothing. If it wasn’t, I wouldn’t be letting you past.” The guard sat back and smiled tiredly at him, then brought her voice back up to normal levels. “Be safe, keep your nose clean. Good luck with your studies.”

Felix nodded haltingly and walked between the metal. The others looked to him expectantly, like they wanted him to tell them what was the holdup. Felix cleared his throat and shrugged. “Said I looked like someone he knew. It was nothing.” For show, Felix turned and waved to the guard. The man smiled even wider and waved back. “Probably just some other Exotic.” Jack scowled at the word and Sive scoffed. 

“Felix, you definitely don’t look like your average good time,” Amy commented. “We good?”

“We’re good. Lead on.” They were not good. Felix didn’t know who the dead kid was, but he knew white hair wasn’t a normal in today’s society for a large number of reasons. Felix’s hands were clammy with anxiety as Mark led them though more boring halls and out into the North.

It was vastly different from the West, Felix could see that in an instant. The North had direct access to the largest water filtration on the continent, and said water filtration caused a large amount of condensation in the air. Felix wasn’t sure what was installed on top of the district borders that kept this moisture from getting into the West, but he distantly hated it. The North wasn’t exactly vibrant with plant life, but moss grew up the walls and made everything green. Dandelions grew in the cracks of the streets, the first flowers Felix had ever seen that weren’t preserved and dried or on a glossy page. Felix would’ve stopped to pick one if they weren’t on a time crunch and Felix didn’t have tremors in his hands. 

While everyone marveled over this new District, Felix feverishly went over what the guard had said over and over in his mind. Someone with his name and bare description. It could be anyone, could be no one at all, but what if it wasn’t? The document Ethan and Mark had showed Felix stood out in his mind. Felix and Fanny. Maybe that really had been about someone else. Maybe Felix and Fanny were dead and had nothing to do with him. Maybe white hair had been more much common back in the day. Maybe Felix was just freaking out over nothing.

Unless it turned into something and Felix ended up fucking everything. He wanted to reach out to Jack, whether for comfort or advice, but knew Jack couldn’t afford the distraction. After they took down the Philistines Hub here, they would be on to the Adleists, and then on to final stage, against the Chairwoman. They were so well on their way to finishing everything Jack had worked for, and Felix couldn’t afford to draw his attention away from it. People could die if Jack lost focus. 

“Isn’t this incredible?” Ethan asked him from his left. Felix tore himself from his thoughts and looked around again. There was probably some sort of curfew in affect in this district too, because there was no one outside that Felix could see. The moss climbed all of the buildings and weeds were underfoot. It was beautiful in the sense that Felix hadn’t seen anything like this and it was something new to look at. It was gorgeous but Felix was too on edge and too anxious now to enjoy it. 

“Can I eat it?” Ethan asked.

“Pretty sure it’s all poisonous,” Sive told Ethan. “Is it?”

“I’ve never tried it,” Mark replied with a shrug. “I’ve missed it, though. It’s hard to be in the West. Everything is so gray and empty. No wonder you’re known as the ‘empty district.’”

“Wait, really?” Amy made a face. “Fuck off, the West is the best. You’re just jealous because you’re tiny!”

“I’m sorry, but is there legitimate District rivalry within the gate community?” Robin asked with a raised brow. Beside him, Signe giggled, hiding her smile behind her hand. “We’re people, not banners for you to show off. Didn’t you have a blood rebellion?”

Mark and Amy looked distantly uncomfortable at the reminder.

“West is the best,” Amy repeated in a loud whisper. 

The “North rises above,” Mark whispered back. 

“Both of ye’ can shut the fuck up, everyone sucks,” Jack grumbled. Jack’s bitterness was what finally unknotted Felix’s chest. Even if Felix was some sort of wanted criminal with a bounty at his head, at least Jack would always be the grumpy little shit Felix had come to love. “Mark, get us to the contact.”

“You mean the nice couple allowing us to squat at their place while we blow up a religious building?”

Jack gave Mark the stink eye. “And you’ve a better idea?”

Mark shrugged. “Not at all, just think they deserve to be called by their names.”

“Mark. Take us to Mr. and Mrs. Cyrus, please.” Jack’s voice was dripping with condescension, but Mark smiled brightly and instantly veered to the left, leading them along happily. Felix wasn’t sure what Jack planned to do once they were in the East district. Even though Felix knew a guy, it didn’t mean Jack would ask. For now, Felix was just, again, grateful Mark had fallen into their laps.

Mark led them through the twisting streets and Felix took it all in with a clearer head as Jack ground his teeth to the ongoing argument of which district was the better. Felix was honestly curious to learn of the inner social workings of the gate keeping government. They really did make a community of their own. All gate workers, regardless of stature, lived within the walls. Generals and homes above the gates themselves and every below had quarters stretching along. Everyone involved had combat training, as they were considered first and last manual defense. They had schools and special rations to maintain rigorous diet control. Felix found it almost endearing to learn there were inner rivalries, especially when he saw it executed in such a friendly way between Amy and Mark. He was sure people within the gates were a lot less friendly than they were. 

“This is it, right?” Mark asked, double checking with Jack. The building in front of them was like all the rest. For the better scenery, the North was still an disorganized cluster of metal and concrete, generators in front, grungy conditions behind the walls. Felix could see most of the windows were open, meaning people preferred the outside air to what was inside. Normally that wouldn’t mean much, except it was rather uncomfortably humid. It had to be pretty bad inside to prefer this. “I’m not—”

“This is it.” Jack stepped forward and stepped into his role. “Robin, ye’ve got room on the roof. Set up there and make sure any fuckin’ wires and antenna ye’ put up are covered. They’ve got the moss reachin’ up there, so keep fire hazards in mind as well. Sive, I want ye’ to check out every level and make sure there ain’t anything that could catch us by surprise. Amy, get Signe caught up on what’s expected of her. Mark, I want ye’ with me as we talk to the Cyrus’s, and Felix? Help Ethan get his shit in order.” Jack went up through the opening in the building and everyone followed him upstairs. 

Ethan grinned up at Felix. “It’s like we’re besties.”

Felix almost laughed. He had to look away to hide his sudden need to smile. Felix put a hand on Ethan’s back to push him forward, prompting him to pay attention and get moving. 

The Cyrus’s were lovely people. Melania was a woman with the reddest hair Felix had ever seen and plenty of freckles all over her skin. Margo was thin and haggard looking, but he smiled as often as he took in a breath and stood beside his wife whenever he had the chance. Felix wondered what had happened to them that made them support the cause. He knew everyone had lost someone, but the North was actually the district being hit the least, mostly because it was the least populated. There were less people to make crime on a large enough scale to target. Felix hoped the Cyrus’s would be spared even further. 

Melania directed Felix and Ethan to the small kitchen table, letting Ethan work on his equipment. “All of your weapons and equipment are in the bedroom,” she told them and Jack like it was as normal as announcing dinner. “We were able to hide most of it underneath the sheets! Our bed looks so lumpy.” She laughed at her own words, tittering away to make them all something to drink. Ethan seemed utterly enchanted by the gentle, kind woman.

“She reminds me of my mom,” Ethan told Felix rather abruptly. “She got this awful head injury during one of the bombings, just after I was born. She would forget stuff easily, and she sometimes didn’t recognize me or my dad, but she loved to laugh at the smallest things.”

Felix worked that over slowly. “… Are you trying to suggest Mrs. Cyrus is mentally disabled?”

“Oh god, wait, I didn’t mean it like that.”

Felix kicked Ethan lightly under the table. “I’m sure you didn’t. Sorry about your mom.”

Ethan shook his head. “Don’t be— she’s still alive.”

“Really?”“Yeah. Right where I left her, too. I can even check on her when the sentries pass by my old house.”

Felix paused to think even longer. “Why… why are you here?”

“Because what the Chairwoman’s doing is wrong and my parents both told me that turning a blind eye to bad things is just as bad as doing them yourself.” Ethan shrugged. “She doesn’t remember much of anything, anymore. The memory loss just got worse the more time went by. She doesn’t know who I am. She didn’t know who my dad was when the Enforcers asked her to identify his body.”

Felix’s hands were clammy and he wrapped his hand around the ink that was still numbing his wrist. “… Memory loss is a scary thing.”

“Yeah, it is,” Ethan agreed with a sardonic chuckle. “I hope you never have to watch someone you love forget you, man. It’s the absolute worst, especially when you can’t even blame anyone for it because it’s not their fault.”

Felix swallowed hard to get past the panic that was mounting again. The part of his head that he’d hit throbbed for the first time, reminding him of what he could lose. And then there was this whole fucking mess with the dead Felix—

“I hope I don’t either,” Felix almost whispered. 

Ethan turned his wrist over for Felix to see the screen. “There are two server rooms we have to get to,” he told Felix, switching from his mother to their job so quickly that Felix had to shake himself to get his head back on track. Ethan pointed to the digital map on his computer. “Jack wants me to see if I can find shit like we found in the last place, all the cameras? And in the other room, Robin wants me to find personal files. Lists of people who work at the hubs, everything from sermon to maintenance. He’s gonna cross reference with roster lists Mark is gonna get for the gates, see if we can catch any overlaps and maybe make further connections. We’ve got twenty minutes, and the rooms are right next to each other, so we shouldn’t have as much of a problem as last time.”

“Ye’ better fuckin’ not.”

Felix looked up from Ethan’s wrist to see Jack. He’d been so engrossed in trying to forget everything going wrong in his own head that he hadn’t been aware of Jack’s approach. Jack had his arms over his chest, glaring down at both of them. “We’re going in at peak mournin’ hours, ye’ve both got at least two minutes leeway in there as well. So if a single fuckin’ thing goes wrong, I’ll have both yer heads.”

Ethan gave a cheeky salute, but Felix frowned and threw Jack’s words from earlier back at him. “We can’t cover every single variable.”

Jack turned his glare to Felix. “Do you really think the shit you say is helpful, or do you just get off on being insubordinate?”

Ethan flinched, but Felix remained cool. He cocked a brow, a silent query as to where the fuck Jack’s sudden attitude problem had come from. Jack scowled, but instantly dropped his defenses. “Come with me,” he grumbled, taking Felix by the arm and pulling him up from the table. Jack led Felix through the tiny living room, brushing past Signe without a glance in her direction, moving between Mark and Amy, even ignoring Sive’s question as to what Jack was doing. Jack pulled Felix out to the tiny balcony that came off the living room. It looked like it used to be another room entirely that had crumbled away, the walls breaking off jaggedly. Jack shut the door behind them, the flimsy wood rattling unhappily. 

“I need to talk t’ ye’,” Jack said.

Felix almost rolled his eyes. He could assume Jack wanted to talk from how he had ushered Felix from the entire fucking flat and brought him outside, where no one could overhear. “Ethan’s gonna tell them you’re laying into me.”

“Since when did we give a shit what they thought?”

Felix paused. He couldn’t actually pinpoint that moment for himself, but he was surprised learn that Jack hadn’t come to that conclusion on his own. “You really don’t care?” he asked. “At all?”

“Why would I?”

“You really don’t care if they think that you’re nothing more than a bully to me.”

Jack made a face. “Am I?”

“Are you what?”

“A bully. Do I bully you, Felix?”

That was absurd. “Absolutly not,” Felix replied with a scoff. “I’d never let you bully me. I’d sooner bully you back.”

It was Jack’s turn to scoff. “Ye’ don’t even know how t’ be a bully.”

“Do too.”

“Fuck off.”

Felix smiled a bit. Jack ducked his head, but he grinned at the ground nonetheless. “I just had t’ get ye’ out of there,” Jack told him after a moment. “Had t’ speak to ye’ about something. And it’s important, so I want you to listen to me, yeah? Don’t do that thing where ye’ go somewhere else. Don’t— please listen to me.”

Felix frowned a little. “I’m listening. Always, Jack.”

“Are ye’?”

“To you? Yeah.”

Jack’s smile became a little brighter. Then he said, “you are your number one priority on this mission.”

Felix paused and took a much longer time to think that over than he had with Ethan’s previous statements. He worked it over again and again until finally came to a conclusion that made sense. “Like, the general you?”

Jack scowled. “What?”

“You mean, like, everyone?”

“Fuck, Felix, no. Look, last time we did this, ye’ fuckin’ put your damn life on the line for just a few more files of data. Yeah, that shit is helpful and it’s probably important somehow to all of this, but it ain’t worth your life. I don’t want ye’ doing that again.”

Felix understood now. “People before the mission,” he translated for himself with a nod. “Got it. I’ll keep an eye on Ethan.”

“God, not Ethan, not that, you fucking—”

“Signe?”

Jack put his foot down, shoving Felix’s shoulder harshly to get his attention and shut him up. “Not Ethan, not Signe, not Amy, not even me. _You,_ Felix. You are your number one priority for this mission. Not the data, not the people, not anything but yourself. If you have t’ choose between coming back safe and not picking up whatever fuckin’ bullshit or saving who-the-fuck-ever, you choose yerself, ye’ hear? No ifs, ands, or buts. All you care about is you. _And that’s an order._ ”

Felix was too shocked to respond. Jack let out a noise of frustration before turning and opening the decrepit door again. “We leave in three hours, at first dawn. Be ready and know yer mission.”

He went back inside, leaving the door open, but Felix alone with his pendulous thoughts. It was like someone had just halted all reasonable processes in Felix’s brain. His mind stumbled over Jack’s order again and again and couldn’t make sense of it. Especially when Felix looked into the flat after Jack and saw Jack make a beeline for Signe, his hand going to the girl’s neck to check her SHIELD. 

Felix twisted his inked wrist and turned away, looking out into the city lights. The Philistine Congressional Sanctuary was dark against the horizon of the city lights continuing beyond it. The building was large and unassuming, looking more like a massive headstone than a place of worship. Felix stared at it and used the image of its silhouette to center his thoughts. 

Jack’s orders didn’t make sense. Felix couldn’t follow orders if he didn’t understand them. Felix loosened his grip on his wrist and resolved himself to do as he’d always done— look out for the others and make sure Jack came out on top at the end of this war. Even if Jack thought Felix was necessary, Jack had been wrong before, many times in the past. Once more wouldn’t change much.

Felix’s hands were shaking as he reached into his coat pocket and pulled out the pack of cigarettes. He slid out one of the last three, tapped it on the side to wake up the poison, and lit it with the tiny flame that came from the lighter attached to the box. Felix took in a long drag of the nicotine and shook harder.

And even if they were as simple as Jack claimed them to be, Felix couldn’t risk it. He couldn’t afford to even consider his wellbeing above anyone else’s in Jack’s eyes, because that would make him hope, and hope was a dangerous fucking thing when you were in love with someone that could never love you back. Felix wasn’t strong enough to survive the inevitable heartbreak that would come when Jack, inevitably and eventually, chose Signe over him.

He stood at the balcony for at least another hour without taking another breath of the cigarette. It decayed down to his fingers, burning the flesh, but he was still wishing he could forget what Jack had just told him, wanting to lose a memory for the first time in his life. It’d be easier if he could.


	6. Shameful Metaphors

Felix pushed back the grate and peaked his head out from the tunnel shaft, looking around what appeared to be communal showers. There was no one here, and there really wasn’t supposed to be anyone at this hour, but Felix had to make sure. He crawled out when he had affirmed the coast was clear and reached back into the tunnel, offering a hand to whoever wanted it. Ethan curtsied once Felix pulled him up, and Signe completely ignored the offer. Everyone else took the hand with gratefulness, even Jack, whose body heat lingered on Felix’s palm long after Jack had let go. 

“The mourning patrol is in effect, but regular staff will still be hanging around,” Jack reminded them in a low whisper. “Avoid levels five through three and make sure none of ye’ get caught by an employee. The emergency alarm will be pulled two minutes before the c-4 goes off, so if you’re still here when everything starts ringing, it’s your last chance to get the fuck out.”

Pulling the alarm was a new addition to their plan after Felix had nonchalantly brought up to Jack the fact that they didn’t want to accidentally kill anyone that wasn’t guilty and get labeled terrorists. Everyone else had agreed, so Jack had begrudgingly assigned the task to Signe. 

“If ye’ see any new tech, you take pictures, or at least get a damn good look and tell us what it does. We need to be ready for the Adleists. It’s Signe’s job too, but she can’t cover this whole place. Just keep an eye out yourself and find everything ye’ can that could be used against us.” Jack paused, then pointed an accusing finger sharply to Felix and Ethan. “I expect both of ye’ back in the tunnel earlier than the twenty minutes ye’ have. Nothing’s goin’ off until you’re down there, so either ye’ come on time, or ye’ throw the whole operation. Got it?”

Felix internally rolled his eyes. “Yes sir.”

Jack scowled at him. “Get the fuck outta here.”

Felix waved mindlessly, Ethan gave another of his salutes, and they were off. The server rooms Ethan needed were on the sixth level, and the elevators were functional. As Felix led Ethan down to the nearest set of elevators, he took the time to look around. 

Philistine structure was gothic and intricate. Gargoyles and somber angels were carved into the walls and ceiling, detailed depictions of life after death and the holiness of death itself. The Philistines worshiped the deceased, believing the dead to have ascended into a higher level of existence, and the Philistines sought to respect the dead almost as much as the living themselves. They believed this respect and deep relationship with the dead allowed contact to be made with them, giving mysteries of life answers from these deceased. Out of all the religions, Felix felt like this one made the most sense to the people who subscribed their beliefs to it. Everyone had lost someone. 

“These places always gave me the creeps,” Ethan mumbled. “So much death.”

Felix shrugged and summoned the elevator. It made a low, ominous sounding _doom_ when it arrived. “Everyone experiences death in some form more than once in their life. It’s the only consistency we all share.”

“That doesn’t mean we gotta worship corpses.”

“They don’t worship the corpses,” Felix said, stepping into elevator and pulling Ethan in with him. He hit the button for the sixth level and leaned against the sleek, metallic wall of the elevator that contrasted sharply with the stone, crypt-like structure of the rest of this place. “They worship who used to be in the corpse. They feel like having that connection will make the person more likely to reach out to them beyond death. They preach kindness and respect to everyone, as they never know who will provide them with answers once they’re gone and everyone will eventually die.” Felix shrugged. “Preaching compassion doesn’t seem bad to me, even if they are a bit melancholic in their practices.”

“I heard they fuck the bodies.”

Felix almost laughed. “You heard wrong.”

Ethan shrugged. “Everyone’s got their bad apples.”

“At least the Philistines don’t blow people up.”

“No, they just kill themselves in the hopes of finding something they can tell us about later.”

Felix paused. “You don’t believe in life after death?”

“Do you?”

“Hardly.”

Ethan nodded. “Me neither.”

The elevator let out another deep tone as they reached their level. Felix peaked around the corners, saw no one, and then led Ethan along. “Seven minutes for each data terminal, then we’re gone.”

“I only need five each,” Ethan bragged, pushing past Felix to open a door that had an electrical warning on the front. The room looked exactly the same as the one in the last hub— one large, archaic screen that was powered off, servers to the right, cold air surrounding. Felix leaned against the wall to let Ethan work, keeping an ear on the hall outside. 

Ethan got it done in three minutes. “That’s all the names,” he told Felix as he wrapped the wires that he’d plugged from his wrist computer into the larger one back around his wrist. “This place has much fewer employees than the last.”

“The North is a lot smaller.”

“But the Philistines have the second largest religious following, you’d think they’d have more employees than the Sun Walkers when they actually have the relative-fewest.” Ethan shook his head. “Next one is just down the hall. See if they’ve got cameras anywhere in the North.”

“You’re gonna log it if they do, right?”

“Actually, we’re gonna keep the program running in their system since you can’t blow up the web,” Ethan replied as they walked swiftly. “Robin wants to see if we can actually gleam some sort of pattern for the places they’re targeting. Crime is the major component, but we’ve got crime everywhere. If we can find something predictable and even mooch off of people observing the cameras, we can find who we need to follow the logs of and see what they’re saying. And if we find that pattern, we can keep future bombings from happening.”

Felix thought Robin was thinking a little too far ahead. If Jack’s plan worked— which it would— they wouldn’t need to prevent any bombings because they’d be taking out the bomber herself within the next week. 

Ethan brought Felix into the next room and, again, it was widely the same. “Get comfy,” Ethan told him. “Since I’ve got extra time, I’m gonna dig a little deeper, run a secondary program. I’ll need ten minutes.” Ethan then held up eight fingers with a cheeky grin. The corner of Felix’s mouth twitched. 

It was seven minutes, though, when Ethan stopped. Everything else did, too. Felix hadn’t seen any camera feeds come up on the screen, but there had been white text running and whirring sounds from whatever the computer was doing. Felix knew everything stopped when the text stopped running and the room went silent. He watched Ethan, waiting for him to explain. Ethan chewed on his lower lip. 

“Here’s the thing,” Ethen said. “We got what we came for, but— I mean, just like last time. You know. There’s a little something extra I think we might want.”

Felix sighed, readying himself to piss Jack off once again. Jack’s anger was less important in the face of achieving Jack’s goal. “What is it?”

“One of these.” Ethan held up his wrist computer. “But belonging to the Cremator.”

Felix’s eyes went wide. The Cremator was the figurehead of the Philistine religion, a severe woman with a broken voice from the ritual screaming she adhered to during her mournings. She practiced silence half the days of the week and was known for her charity work of leading along the recently dead in funerals that were provided for free. If Ethan knew where her wrist computer was, they could see who she was communicating with in privacy. They could find more proof to the dealings between hubs. 

“Where is it?”

“Five doors over.”

“That’s not so bad.”

“And six levels down.”

Felix ran a hand over his face. First floor, probably the Cremator’s personal quarters. Where surveillance would be the strongest and where the c-4 was placed. “At least it’s closer to the sub level,” Felix argued, trying to find the silver lining. “We can probably take the stairs when we leave.”

“Jack might catch us before we get there.”

“I’ll deal with Jack if it comes to that,” Felix said. “Just do your job and get us the information we need. I’ll watch your back.”

Ethan nodded and unplugged. “I’ve got what we need— let’s go.”

They took the elevator back down to the first floor, and this time, when Felix peaked around the corners, he was checking for Jack. The rest of the group was meant to be setting all of their charges on this very level, bringing down the building by the foundations, just as before. Felix caught sight of a few areas of construction, things that looked like they were meant to be extra measures of security, but he was sure Signe had seen those as well and logged them. They just looked like pieces of metal similar to the detectors at the North gate. 

“Which room?” Felix asked, keeping his voice a low whisper, well aware of what kind of danger they were in while being down here. Felix had a weapon, but his left hand was still rather numb. He wouldn’t be much good in a fight. 

Ethan was smart and kept close to Felix’s heels as he pointed Felix down the right halls and around the right turns. They came to a row of doors that bore different names, but only one of them had _Cremator_ across in flat, black paint. Felix was actually a little relieved to see this room didn’t appear any more special than the others. The Philistines were well practiced in humility and denial of wealth. Felix had always appreciated that about them. No golden pods were found for their figureheads. 

Felix pushed open the door before Ethan could. The room was nondescript, plain, and boring. The walls weren’t painted, the sheets were flat gray, the furniture was dull, and the lights were dim. There was two more doors to the left, across from the single bed, and the dresser had no mirror. There was a book laid on the neatly made bed next to a thick wrist bracelet, just as plain as everything else, with a small, flat, black screen on the front. The Cremator’s computer.

Ethan darted forward and snatched it up, attaching the wires from his own device to hers. “I’m gonna take the whole thing,” Ethan said as he worked quickly. “But I gotta make a backup now in case anything happens to me or it. Robin’s plugged in, so he’ll get this just as I do.”

“Nothing’s gonna happen to you,” Felix said, even as he strayed from Ethan’s side to the two doors on the other side of the door. He pushed one open and found mourning clothes inside. The Cremator’s closet. He pushed open the other and saw— 

He saw a large room full of shrines. Intricate shrines, boasting candles and photos. They were built up with carved stone, depicting what Felix assumed to be stories of the lives of those being mourned by these shrines. Felix glanced at the titles above the shrines and saw they all looked like government figures and gate workers. People of status being respected and mourned, especially. He wondered why the Cremator revered these people above the others, but he felt touched by seeing it. He looked over the titles again, then stalled when he saw one that was unfamiliar. Felix was aware of all of the government titles one could have, but he’d never seen this one before. 

“I’m almost done!” Ethan called out from back in the main room. “Then we’ve got to book it if we wanna make it back into the tunnels before Jack so he doesn’t wring our necks.”

Felix nodded thoughtlessly, weaving between the countless shrines to get to the one he didn’t understand. It read _Scholars_ in the same dull black print as everything else. The shrine itself was one of the larger ones, bearing an recent inscription about the loss of young life being the hardest loss of them all, as the young don’t even understand death itself, drivel like that. Felix looked at all the candles and saw this shrine had been here for ages longer than the fresh inscription, boasting numerous photos, but only one photo was actually tended to and not covered in dust. A relatively older photo with two children in it. Felix’s eyes strayed to it naturally, but the way his heart stopped when he saw who was depicted wasn’t natural at all.

He saw himself.

Fourteen years ago, less-scared, more well-fed, but still undeniably him. His piercing eyes stared back at him with knowing wisdom, and he instinctively knew that this was him before everything had been erased. His brain whited out, all thoughts erased by the gravity of what he was seeing. Then he looked to the person next to him in the photo, _to a girl_ , and—

_He was standing on tiny grains of sand, warming and tickling his feet. Water lapped at his ankles in tandem, following the beat of an unheard drum. Felix looked up and saw endless blue stretching ahead, above and below, sparkling the reflection of the sun with even more brightness. Felix flinched from the severity from it and turned his eyes away, looking to his left instead._

_Someone was holding his hand._

_His eyes tracked up the small limb holding onto his and looked to the little girl standing beside him. She was young, yet somehow taller than him, so Felix knew he had to be even younger than her. Her blonde hair moved about lazily, pushed by sea breeze. That was what this was, after all. The sea._

_Felix took in the details of her face with unfamiliar detachment. Her nose was like his, somewhat large and angled sharp. Her lips were the same shape as his own. Her eyes were the same color and her jaw was the same as well. Everything Felix knew about genealogy told him that he was related to her, somehow, and very closely so. Then she turned to him and smiled._

_“I wish we could be here every day.”_

_Felix’s mind took in the soft, musical change in her voice and supplied the word “sister.” A large, solid hand settled itself on Felix’s right shoulder, while a feminine hand rested itself on his sister’s shoulder. Felix tried to follow that hand up, tried to see who this was, but a fog overcame him. The water lapping at his ankles went cold. He looked up to see a faceless figure standing above his sister, blood running from her featureless skin. So he looked up and saw another faceless figure looming above him. The blood from this thing’s face dripped down and hit his check. It stung like venom. The ground beneath him started to shake, non-rhythmic and violent. Like the booming footsteps of giants or— or bombs._

_His sister’s hand slipped from his. He grasped uselessly at empty air to try and get her back, but found nothing. Felix felt his mouth opening and closing in useless screams of panic and fear that didn’t make a sound. He scrabbled for something to hold onto, but his sister was fading and the woman was still bleeding. The ground was breaking apart beneath his feet._

_Rubble suddenly crashed and overcame his vision and he screamed for his sister, screamed for her to come back as he_ fell back into the cold, unfeeling world, reaching out uselessly, trying to hold onto her and bring her back, but he couldn’t, there was nothing, only empty air and dark corners, candles that casted the shadows of monsters and arms holding him down, drowning him. He screamed and thrashed and fought back, trying to get out of the human chains and reach his sister, find her, because _she was dying_ and he was going to die without her, he was too small, too fragile, _too scared,_ he would die without his sister, and if he couldn’t save her then he _was fucking useless._

There was something _wrong_ with his head, something parasitic and acidic, something that was alive and struggling and trying to get out. His sister was dying in his memories, but he couldn’t remember how. The pain pierced behind his eyelids and he pushed his fingers in even harder, trying to get it out. He wanted it to leave his head and give him back who he was because he couldn’t fucking breathe past the pain and he couldn’t see anything. He didn’t even know who was holding him. Fear slid into his bones like cold water and he started shaking. His sister was dying and he couldn’t remember. 

“It hurts, it hurts,” he heard himself gasp over and over between cries. The human chain became a person that was holding him and starting to tremble. He could feel this person fall apart, and he knew something about that was _wrong_ too, that he needed to put this person back together, that his sister would want him to keep this person safe, but it was useless, _he was fucking useless._

Felix’s back bowed and he dug his fingers into his head, trying to relieve the pressure and pain. He needed it out, he needed to save himself and save his sister and save this nameless body holding his limbs in one piece. He needed to fix his brain. “A gun, I need a gun,” he wheezed. “Put a hole in my head, let it out, it hurts, _let it out!”_ He screamed louder like pushing the air from his lungs would relieve the pressure in his brain as well. He screamed and screamed and stopped drawing in more air, because there was too much inside him and he needed to die to feel okay again. “A gun, _get it out,_ get it out!”

_“Oh god, Felix, please stop.”_

A sharp pain was pressed into the vulnerable flesh of his neck and clarity bled through him like the waves that had lapped at his feet. The pain ebbed, and his vision returned slowly with his spatial awareness. “My sister,” he breathed one last time, going limp in those arms— Jack’s arms. Jack?

Felix looked up from where Jack was cradling him to his chest. Above him, Jack looked like he’d been stripped raw of anything and everything. He had red eyes and his lip was bleeding, either from where he’d been chewing on it out of a returned bad habit, or from where Felix had hit him. Felix’s knuckles hurt from the punch he’d thrown in his panic. Details of what was happening returned to Felix slowly, along with awareness of the high pitched sound of an alarm. The mission, the hub, the shrine, then—

“You shouldn’t be here,” Felix whispered, his voice ragged with all the screaming he’d done. “The c-4—”

“Heard ye’ screaming,” Jack whispered. “I couldn’t— Signe—”

Felix became suddenly aware that they were blessedly alone in this room. The door into the room was shut, locked tight. Jack was the only person with him, holding a hypo-shot in one hand, cradling Felix’s trembling frame in the other. Felix struggled to sit up, but Jack refused to let him go. “Stay down,” Jack ordered. “Just, just stay down. We’ve time.”

“You know we don’t.” Felix stubbornly tried to sit up again, and this time, Jack let him. Felix stood on shaky, coltish legs. He rushed out of the room and nearly ran headlong into several people that stood in front of the door, waiting with drawn expressions. Signe, Ethan, Sive, Mark, and Amy stood in a row. Jack had locked them out, so they probably had no idea what had happened. Felix wasn’t even sure himself. He didn’t even know how Jack had known how to get into the room. He tried to save face and gave them a short nod. “Did you get the computer, Ethan?”

Ethan wordlessly held up the bracelet, watching Felix like he was waiting for him to collapse. “You just started screaming—”

“We don’t have time for this.” Jack pushed past Felix, gentle, but demanding. Felix could literally watch Jack’s brain compartmentalize and organize through whatever hell he was experiencing in his own thoughts. “We’re behind schedule.” Felix winced and wondered just how badly he had fucked things up. “Everyone into the tunnels, _now._ Felix, you hang back. I want ye’ in there second t’ last so I can keep on eye on you.”

“If he has a head injury—”

“We’ll handle that once we’re out,” Jack said, interrupting Signe without remorse. “The c-4 needs to go off. We can’t redo this. Ye’ saw what they have in store for us later, we’ve got to take this place down now.” Jack left the room and everyone else followed. Felix chanced a glance back to the shrine and saw that the photo was gone. It wasn’t on top of the shrine anymore. Someone had taken it. Felix felt shaky and panicked, and it wasn’t from the vision anymore. He didn’t know who had seen the photo or what connections they would make, but none of them could be good. 

He felt a hand on his shoulder. He flinched and expected it to be another bleeding face, but breathed a little easier when he saw it was Mark. “Let’s go,” Mark prodded gently. “We need to leave.” Felix nodded and followed Mark, feeling like he was the safest person for Felix to be with right now. He knew Felix the least. He wouldn’t be above judgement, but his judgement wouldn’t be very accurate in the end. Felix dug his fingertips into the ink in his skin, but found no comfort in the words this time. 

He followed Mark and the others through the hub to the stairs and down to the sub level. Everyone crawled back into the tunnel, one by one. Jack was standing above, watching everyone, cataloging, the charge that would set off the c-4 held loosely in his hand. Everyone went down into the tunnel except for Felix. He stood at the side and stared into the hole for a long time, his thoughts elsewhere. Back on that beach with his sister. 

The hole was dark and cramped, a stark contrast to the bright, open world of the ocean. He felt claustrophobic just looking into the darkness, and his heart clenched with the realization that _he didn’t want to go inside._ He felt like he would die down there if he did. What if Jack had seen the picture? What if he’d been the one to take it? What if he wanted Felix to go second-to-last so Jack could kill him quickly and quietly and have no witnesses? Felix suddenly knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that if he went down into that tunnel, he was never going to come back out.

“Felix.”

Felix startled at the sound of his name and looked from the hole to Jack. He wet his lips and felt inexplicably scared of the man he trusted more than anyone. Jack was watching him with a hollow gaze, like he was accepting what he was about to do. Like he was readying himself to kill his friend. Felix tore his nails into the ink. 

“Get in the tunnel, Felix.”

“Are you going to kill me?”

Jack’s heart shattered on his face. _“No,”_ he choked out, nearly sobbed, shaking his head. “Never, Felix, never. I, I’d rather die.”

“Then let’s stay.”

Jack reared back like he’d been slapped. “What?”

“Let’s stay here,” Felix repeated, feeling out of his mind and body. He was beginning to finally learn who he was before he’d lost it all and he was scared of what he was doomed to discover. He was terrified of who he was turning out to be. “Let’s stay and hit the button and die.”

An ugly sound tore itself out of Jack’s throat, but his eyes were dry and his jaw firm. “Get in the hole, Felix.”

“But we—”

 _“I’m ten seconds from falling apart,”_ Jack interrupted in a broken whisper. His eyes were gleaming like he could cry. “If you don’t get into this tunnel, I’ll bring ye’ in there myself. And I won’t listen to anything you say and ye’ll hate me for it forever. Please, Felix. I’m literally begging you.”

Felix hesitated. Jack didn’t beg. Not without meaning.

“What do ye want?” Jack demanded. “What can I give ye’ that’ll make ye’ go down there?” 

Felix knew what he wanted from Jack. The request was on the tip of his tongue, familiar and forbidden. He almost said it, too, he almost opened his mouth and told Jack that what he wanted was “you,” but then there was a shout from the tunnel, someone calling back to make sure they were following, and all sense returned to Felix in a sudden rush. He shuddered through his bones. 

“I didn’t mean any of that,” he told Jack before striding forward and climbing down into the tunnel without hesitation. Jack followed him without a sound. They crawled through the complete darkness, but Felix wasn’t scared of it like he had been only seconds ago. The tunnel shook two minutes later and Felix knew the hub was no more. But he didn’t feel any sense of victory or success. He only felt the coldness in his palm where he’d once held the hand of his sister, and he only heard the way Jack’s voice had broken when he told Felix he’d rather die than kill him. 

. . .

They took a pod back over the wall and into the West, smuggled like cargo, everyone silent as the grave. Felix backed himself into a corner of said pod and just tried to focus and breathe. His sister— his sister wasn’t dying, she was already dead. Felix wasn’t even sure if she was his sister, not really. It could just be a fever dream or a side effect of the brain injury from before. He distantly remembered the name Fanny on that piece of paper, but pushed it aside. Maybe his brain was just creating memories to fill old gaps and none of it was really real. His brain was just fucking him over with what he couldn’t know and couldn’t explain. For all he knew, that wasn’t even him in the picture.

Except it was. It was him, every feature was undeniably him. Felix hadn’t looked like anyone else his entire life, except now _his sister._ The word sat uncomfortably in Felix’s chest. His throat constricted. He didn’t know if he should mourn her or not, or if you could even mourn someone you didn’t remember.

He wondered what would happen after this. It was obvious Felix was no longer a reliable addition to the cause, that he couldn’t be trusted to not suffer another episode of whatever-that-was, and Jack wouldn’t bring him along ever again. Felix didn’t know if he was okay with that, even if he agreed. If he wasn’t with Jack on these things, he couldn’t keep a eye on him. But Felix knew he had officially become more of a hinderance than a help to the cause, and it would be absolutely stupid to keep him along. 

Someone sat down beside him and Felix honesty didn’t want to look and see who it was. He kept his head down for as long as he could stand before the presence beside him became something he couldn’t ignore. He looked up to see two people: Sive and Signe. 

“Can I please check your vitals?” Signe asked in a small voice. When Felix didn’t immediately answer, too stunned to think of a response, she ducked her head. “I should have— I didn’t check you over as well as I could’ve. I shouldn’t have cleared you. There’s obvious damage in your brain right now and I shouldn’t have missed it. It’s my fault that this happened.” 

Felix found himself wanting to assure her that it wasn’t her fault. And he didn’t have anything better to do. “You’ve got—” He cut himself off when his voice sounded like death itself. He quickly cleared it and grimaced, putting his hand to his throat like he could fix it from the outside. “You’ve got a lot on your plate,” he continued, sounding a little less worse for wear. “A lot of people to watch over. You did the best you thought you needed to do at the time.”

Signe shook her head, appearing un-consoled, but didn’t say anything as she scooched forward across the floor and instructed Felix to tilt his head back. “Are you gonna stick another needle in me?” Felix asked reflexively.

“Jack just went in, rushed back out, got a painkiller from me, and that was it,” she told him. “The panic you were experiencing wasn’t caused by the pain, but the painkiller was a natural anesthetic and likely did something with your brain.”

“Wait, you don’t know how it works?”

“I’ve never been able to use a hypo myself before,” she admitted. “I just made sure I didn’t give Jack enough to incapacitate you and only enough take away the pain. Ending the panic attack was just an unexpected bonus.” Felix put his head back and she shone something into the white underneath of his eye, like she could see through it and into his brain. It wasn’t any sort of regular light, but that was all Felix could tell. “I also wanted—whatever happened—” She kept tailing off. Felix couldn’t see her face to read what she wasn’t able to say. “You were in a lot of pain. And I’m sorry. I can’t even imagine what brought that on.”

Felix couldn’t reply. His throat constricted and he had a hard enough time breathing again. He felt a hand on his arm and could just barely make out Sive in his peripherals. “Always knew your head was a little fucked, dude, just had thought it wouldn’t be _that_ fucked. But hey, you made it out alive and you’ve still got general function. Least you’re not dead, right?”

“I’m not seeing anything here initially,” Signe sighed. She pulled back and Felix put his head back down. “And I wish I had some sort of genuine equipment back home, but I can at least tell you that there isn’t a brain tumor and you’re not, like, gonna die, probably. No aneurysms, no strokes, not even bruising. Whatever brought forth the panic attack wasn’t part of your physical brain.”

None of them knew of Felix’s memory loss. They hadn’t heard what Felix had been screaming, and they definitely hadn’t seen the picture or understood the shrine, Felix knew that for a fact now. He was almost certain Jack had taken the photo, though Felix wasn’t sure why. Had he wanted to hide the trigger from everyone else? Had he wanted to keep it for himself and ask questions later? Or had he wanted to just erase the existence of the photo entirely? Denial through destruction. Maybe he just wanted to pretend that nothing had happened and that nothing was wrong. Or maybe he was keeping it as evidence as to why Felix was no longer useful. 

“I want you to rest when we get back,” Signe told him softly, her voice almost motherly. “No arguments, and no running around, please. I’ll tell Jack to keep his own room quiet to allow you to get some peace. 

“What happened?” Felix asked.

“Jack bolted the second the screaming started,” Sive said. “The dude realized it was you before anyone of us, like it was some sort of sixth sense. He got there before us, and we showed up to find Ethan locked out of whatever room that was. Jack only came out to grab the hypo from Signe before going back in. He wouldn’t let anyone in. Couldn’t make out anything through the door, just knew you were hurting.” Sive grimaced. “Sounded awful, dude.”

“Are you okay?” Signe pressed. “I, I specialize in physical ailments, but I know quite a bit of psychology too. I know you and I don’t— I just want to make sure you’re not suffering from anything absolutely mental. Like, I’m for more than treating physical wounds. I can also try to help with that. I’ve learned a thing or two.” She smiled and Felix wasn’t used to seeing her smile, at all. He distantly thought she had a very nice smile. “I, I help Jack with that sort of thing all the time,” she told him, lowering her voice in an almost conspirative whisper. “That’s why he comes to me, you know.”

Felix didn’t really like her smile anymore. He shook his head and came up with an excuse. “I’m not even sure what happened,” he said, speaking slowly, working his sore throat around the sounds. “I just— I hit the floor, woke up with Jack…” He glanced to where Jack was talking to Robin, all work and no weakness to be found. Jack had an image to uphold. Felix made up another lie so as to keep with Jack’s normal charade of not giving a shit about Felix. “He, uh. Slapped me. To get me out of it.”

Sive scowled. “The dude fucking hit you?”

Maybe slapped had been a bad choice. “It was what he had to do,” Felix explained with a wince. “If he hadn’t, I likely would’ve thrown the whole operation. He wasn’t happy to do it or anything. It was a necessary evil.”

“Bullshit,” Sive snapped.

“Jack doesn’t hurt people, even if they are a liability, unless it’s absolutely unavoidable,” Signe said, defending Jack as always. Felix was sure that the day Signe _didn’t_ defend Jack’s actions would be the day the world itself ended, and for good. “I’m sure it hurt him to do that more than it hurt you. And it sounded like you went through something very psychologically trying. I’m sure you don’t even remember the pain of the slap itself.” 

Felix just nodded and curled his knees even closer to his chest.

“Bedrest,” Signe reiterated. “Immediately. No parties, no celebrations, no nothing. And again, I’ll have Jack keep it down.” She smiled again at Felix, a motherly turn of the lips, or maybe like an attentive nurse. Again, it was pretty, but Felix could only think of how quickly she spilled Jack’s secrets to prove she meant something. Meanwhile, Felix was creating lies to make people believe he didn’t mean a god damn thing. Two types of people in love, he guessed. 

“Just keep your head between your knees,” Sive told Felix, pressing his shoulder against Felix’s. “I’ll make sure he doesn’t come smackin’ you around again, yeah? And we got what we needed— even more so. You did good, dude.”

Felix knew he was saying this shit just to make him feel better. Felix hadn’t protected Ethan. If anything, Felix had only put Ethan more at risk. But he couldn’t do anything about it now, and he knew he would be off the entire mission on Jack’s orders as of tomorrow. Felix tucked his head between his knees, as ordered, and shut his eyes. The darkness made him a little dizzy, and his head still hurt, but at least there was only darkness, and no ocean. He didn’t know what he would do if he saw his sis—

That girl.

He didn’t know what he would do if he saw that girl again.

. . .

He couldn’t sleep. The floor wasn’t even able to comfort him this time. Felix lied on the ground, back to the stone, arms over his eyes, breathing rhythmically to quell the shakes. He knew he had been ordered bedrest, but the bed was horrible and he couldn’t rest knowing Jack had to have that picture. Jack was the only person alive in this district who even knew what Felix looked like at that specific age. Depending on the conclusions Jack drew, Jack literally held Felix’s life in his hands. Not that the concept was anything new, but this was the first time it seemed like a threat. 

“Fuck.”

His voice aloud and alone in the room hurt his ears. He felt oversensitive and shaky in his burgeoning panic. There was no light in his room right now, but his eyes still hurt, even covered. The trembling of his hands was spreading everywhere now. It felt like the slow spread of venom through a victim’s body, from where blood had hit his face. And even though he knew what was causing it, knew why he was falling out of control like this, he could do nothing to stop it.

He tangled his fingers into his hair and tugged, trying to pull it out. Everything felt too heavy in the midst of his panic. He felt suffocated by his hair and his clothes and his own skin. The SHIELD on his neck burned and itched and he kept pulling at it. Even the ink on his wrist that was once a blessing now made his body only feel more foreign. He couldn’t exactly tear it all down, but—

Felix stood and started to tug off his sweater, breathing shallowly. It was too hot and he felt strangled. His nearly-dead left hand was useless. The sweater got caught on his head and the darkness was all encompassing and the sweater was threadbare and ragged, but fucking shit, he couldn’t breathe. He stumbled, feeling like an actual idiot and a waste of space. He couldn’t even manage something as simple as this. He tore the sweater off and threw it on the wall, gasping, the cold air making the hair on his arms stand up, the skin of his chest raising with gooseflesh. Then he saw Jack standing in his doorway with a single brow arched. 

“That doesn’t look like sleeping,” Jack commented neutrally. Felix shook his head and covered his face with his still-shaking hands. He dug his nails in and tried to anchor his fingers so they’d just _fucking stop trembling._ Jack was in the room now, too, he knew exactly why Felix was falling apart, and he could use it against him. Why was Jack here? Was he going to tell Felix off now? Would Felix have to leave? Felix didn’t really know where he could go, but he knew it was too much of a risk to keep Felix here when he was so obviously part of something government.

What if Felix was some kind of sleeper agent? Maybe his death had been faked so he could infiltrate Jack’s world, but that didn’t make any sense, because Jack hadn’t had the idea to overthrow the Chair until five years after he’d met Felix. What if Felix had been planted so he could tell Jack the poem and get him to become the resistance as part of some grand scheme? What if Felix was here to infiltrate and be activated and then destroy them from the inside out? What if Odin’s Chosen would become the newest scapegoat using Felix’s broken brain? 

“What’re ye’ thinkin’?”

“If they try to make me kill you, I want you to kill me. first”

Jack scowled, but there was deep-set pain in his eyes, weary and gut-wrenching. “Still on the fuckin’ death trip, Felix? I ain’t fuckin’ killing ye’, ever, so just forget about it.”

“You know I’m a threat.”

“What, because of this?” Jack pulled a folded piece of paper from his back pocket and unfolded it to reveal ten-year-old Felix next to a girl that could have been his twin. Felix flinched away from Jack and the photo. Jack’s face fell into something tired and concerned. “Ye’ already think the worst, don’t you.”

“There’s nothing else to think,” Felix choked out, averting his eyes. “My face was on a shrine, being mourned with countless other _government_ figures. The label _Scholar_ was above my face. What other conclusion could I make?”

Jack went and sat on Felix’s bed. He pat the mattress for Felix’s attention, prompting him to sit with him. Felix hesitated, but eventually followed orders. Without his sweater, he felt cold. Sitting next to Jack with a bare chest felt different than it had before. At one point in time, he would have obsessed over his appearance. Did he look good, was his stomach flat, were his hips tight enough, was his chest even close to how impressive Jack’s looked. He would have worried over whether or not he was attractive to someone like Jack and if maybe, if he stood a certain way, Jack would finally see him as something desirable. 

Now, he felt exposed and it actually scared him. He wasn’t thinking about having a flat stomach and slim hips. He was thinking about how Jack could drive a blade into the soft flesh of his side and Felix wouldn’t even have time to scream. 

Jack leaned against the wall and held out the picture that Felix couldn’t look at. “Ye’ve always had a thing for the Philistine way of life,” Jack said. “For all the research and digging we’ve done, a _Scholar_ has never appeared in any log in any way when it comes to the Chair. Not even Robin’s heard of it, and he worked for those fuckers all his life. But ye’ know what we haven’t dug into? The Philistines. The Sun Walkers. The Adleists. We don’t know much about their inner workings. We’ve got employee lists, but that ain’t got titles. Just names.”

Jack held the photo in front of Felix’s face. “Ye’ worked with the Philistines. I know that’s it. It makes sense. They have such an emphasis in the knowledge of the dead, the old ways and the old information. You were a _Scholar_ to ‘em. You were obviously specialized in culminating the knowledge of a person beyond books. And this girl with ye’? Your sister, more than likely. She did too. I don’t know what happened to her, but both of ye’ were so vital to the Philistines that they built ye’ a shrine with all the other big ones.”

Felix shuddered. Jack was making a lot of sense, but it still didn’t feel right. “I’m still a threat.”

“Oh, fuck off.”

“I am, Jack. I could jeopardize everything you’ve built.”

“I highly doubt that, Felix.”

“I could,” Felix insisted. “And then everything, all of it, everything would be ruined, You’d never have your peace. Never have your closure. Your revenge would be—”

“Revenge?” Jack interrupted with a turn of his lip. “Fuckin’ hell, Felix, this has never been about revenge.”

Felix paused, fighting to keep the shock from dawning on his face. “Really?”

“Course not.”

“Then what has it been about?”

Jack shrugged. “Fixin’ things. Fixing the world. I can’t avenge the dead, Felix, they don’t care cause they’re gone. I’ve just got to make things safer.”

Felix didn’t know what to say. He’d been existing on the assumption that Jack was driven solely by revenge, just like everyone else. He wasn’t sure how he could have missed this. Jack was just trying to fix things? For who? Himself?

Signe. 

Except Jack hadn’t known Signe until a year or two ago. Maybe he was fixing it for Robin? What about Felix?

The thought made Felix’s heart stutter and he quickly pushed it away. Jack knew Felix didn’t need anyone to keep him safe, Felix was able to protect himself just as well as Jack could look after his own wellbeing. There was no reason for Jack or Felix to be the thing to fix the world for. They didn’t have a problem surviving with how things were now. No, Jack would have to be changing the world for someone who was vulnerable to it. Felix could only think of Signe. 

Maybe Jack had been revenge driven until Signe had come along. Maybe she really had fixed him like she’d always meant to do. Maybe Signe had changed him.

Felix hated to think it, but at least he wasn’t contemplating his ultimate betrayal of the man he loved more than himself. Could Felix actually just be a lost member of the Philistines? It would make sense to Felix if Jack said it did. 

Jack was watching him, practically reading his mind. “Ye’ve always been kinda morbid,” Jack reasoned. “And ye’ know all of this old shit that had to have come from dead people, yeah? Makes sense that ye’ got it from the dead people themselves.”

“You think the Philistine religion is legitimate?”

Jack shrugged. “Maybe not, but you’re evidence that it might. Plus, who am I t’ say it ain’t real. Ye’ worked with it for the first ten years you were alive. Ye’ never struck me as the type to adhere to bullshit, even if ye’ did lose your memories. Who knows? It might be real. I’ve never really looked into it enough to say it ain’t.”

Felix blinked slowly. Was Jack trying to be supportive of what he believed was Felix’s old way of life?

Jack was looking at the photo, at the girl. “She’s pretty,” Jack told him offhandedly. “Like, I can see her growing up into someone pretty, I mean. She’s your sister, right? She’s gotta end up looking as good as you.”

Felix turned his head away and hid his face in his hands again. Jack being supportive of a supposed reality and then blatantly suggesting that _Felix looked good_ was too much for him. He was too frayed at the edges to keep his thoughts in check. _He wasn’t even wearing a fucking shirt._ Tears welled in his eyes and he hated himself.

“Felix?”

He shook his head and sniffled as he started to cry. “Fucking fuck,” he grit out. “I can’t—”

“It’s okay.”

A hand pulled Felix’s own hands away and Felix looked up to see Jack sitting in front of him with a earnest expression. “Whatever it is, it’s okay. I ain’t about t’ turn ye’ away or anything. This place is your home, right? And you believe in this fight. Sure, ye’ve got some weird, cryptic past, but that doesn’t mean you’re a threat. And I can’t afford t’ lose my best man, alright? Just trust me when I say I trust you.”

Felix was still crying, but he nodded.

Jack sat back with a sigh. “… What do ye’ need, Felix? What do ye’ need?”

Felix shuddered out a sob. 

“I’ll give it to ye’,” Jack told him, his voice gentle and sincere. “Anything, Felix. Anything t’ help you feel better.”

Felix knew what was expected. Maybe Jack wanted Felix to ask for a fight, a way to let out all of that aggression and fear in a quick, efficient manner. Or maybe Felix should ask for some sort of retribution, maybe send Jack on a witch hunt and give Felix answers. Some grand gesture that would make Jack feel at peace with his efforts to console Felix, some problem for Jack to solve. Felix couldn’t give him that. Felix was terrified that if they started to dig, they would find out Felix wasn’t a Philistine. They would find something awful. 

“Signe told me to rest,” he told Jack. “And I know we’re gonna make our move on the Adleists soon. I want to be physically ready, if— if you still want me with you.”

Jack scoffed. “Couldn’t do any of this without ye’, you fuckin’ idiot.” His words were harsh, but his voice was fond. “I’ll let you rest. Actually listening to Signe for once, who could’ve imagined that? She was so worried, ye’ know. Poor girl blames herself so much. Wish I could tell her it ain’t the way ye’ knocked yer head. Ye’ve never had memories. Never had a way to be triggered. Course ye’ didn’t. You’re a fucking Northerner, Felix.” Jack grinned. It was fake, but the effort meant something in itself. “Look at me, best friends with a Northern.”

“Talk about exotic,” Felix said thoughtlessly. Jack cuffed his shoulder gently. 

“Don’t fuckin’ say that,” he griped. “Hate that word, especially in relation with you.” Jack got up from the bed, regarding him intensely, like he could see through Felix to all the wounds inside. “Rest,” he said after a long moment of just looking. “I expect ye’ t’ be with the rest in the war room bright and early tomorrow. Tyler will hopefully have found us a ferry to the Adleists, and then we gotta try and find _someone_ who knows their way around. Need ye’ ready for battle, Felix.”

Felix nodded and Jack left after one more prolonged second. It was almost like he was trying to commit Felix to memory or convince himself of something. He’d left the photo on the bed. 

Felix purposefully moved to the floor again, throwing the raggedy sheet over the photo so he wouldn’t be able to see it on accident. He debated pulling his shirt back on. The ground was cold and familiarly unforgiving, but he didn’t want to get sick on top of everything. Still, the idea of being swaddled and suffocated sat in his stomach like an illness in itself, so he lied back out on the floor and breathed in sets of four, then four set of that, and so on. What could have been minutes or hours later, there was a knock at his door. Felix got up readily, expecting Jack to come back for the photo, or maybe even Signe to check up on him.

But when he opened the door, he saw Ethan. White faced, scared, and almost worse off than Felix.

“I didn’t know who else I could go to,” Ethan told him. “I know the next place that’s going to be bombed. It’ll happen in five hours.”

Felix stared at him, again acutely aware of being shirtless. He crossed his arms over his chest like he wanted to hide his own skin from sight. Having Jack around when he was vulnerable like this was hard enough. “Surely Robin sent out the alert,” he reminded Ethan. 

They’d never been able to predict a bombing, but they’d had a system proactively in place. _If_ they were ever lucky enough to find out about a bombing before it took place, Robin would send a small signal to the credential chip of everyone in the area, a supporter or not. The supporters would know what it meant and would be responsible for getting out anyone and everyone they could. Robin had been a data collector for the Chair long before he joined Odin’s Chosen, so he’d always had more access to the credential system than most. The chips weren’t exactly meant to give off signals or lights, but they had the hardware and Robin just knew how to use it. 

“The alert went out, we’re already getting reports of the evacuations that are happening, and it’s all being kept quiet,” Ethan told him.

“So what’s the problem?”

“My mother won’t know what the alert means.”

Felix’s blood ran cold.

“She doesn’t actually know any of her neighbors,” Ethan went on. “She won’t listen to people telling her to leave. She’ll scream. They’d have to kidnap her and that would make too much noise that can’t afford to be made and her heart would stop. My mother won’t be able to leave.”

“Did you tell Jack?”

“He, he won’t listen to me.”

“Did he say he won’t?”

Ethan shook his head, looking slightly guilty in his panic. “Felix, I don’t— I don’t think he’ll help me. But you…”

Ethan thought Jack would prioritize the mission and their safety over family because Ethan didn’t know what Jack’s family had meant to him. Felix suspected Jack would help Ethan if he went to him, but Felix also knew Jack would be too careful and take too long. Time was of the essence and Ethan seemed to think Felix was the one to go to. And normally Felix wouldn’t want to risk going into the district with how fucked up he was, a dead hand and a broken head, but Ethan’s mother was something else entirely. Fuck.

Felix didn’t have time to hesitate. He ducked back in his room only to pull his sweater back on and pull on his jacket. “You got a weapon?” he asked, knowing that this was going to be unlike anything Ethan had ever done with Odin’s Chosen before. Ethan had blown up buildings and usurped religious control, but he’d never done a rescue mission. Felix had only ever done one. For Amy. 

“I, I don’t know how to use it,” Ethan said, holding up a standard LAR. Felix grimaced, wishing Ethan could have something quieter, but maybe he would need the extra kick that came with the regular shot. He grabbed his own LARS and nodded to the other.

“Stay behind me,” he told Ethan. 

“Your SHIELD will keep us safe.”

“Is that why you came to me?”

“No, I came to you because I knew you would help me.”

Felix just nodded again and checked his surroundings before readying himself to sneak out of the building. He hated himself for this new habit he had of ignoring the orders Jack had given him out of pure concern. And Signe’s orders, but he couldn’t care less about those, even if she was a medic. “Where is it happening?”

“Lower south.”

“How are we gonna get there in time?”

“I-I don’t—”

“I’ve already gotten a food courier to lag down for us.”

Felix startled almost as badly as Ethan did at Mark’s voice. The man was just behind them, worrying his lower lip. When he saw Felix’s instinctual panic, he moved to explain himself. “I was there when Ethan found out. He just ran. I-I figured… Well, I couldn’t think of anyone else he could go to.”

“You can’t tell Jack.” Felix was sure both of them understood why Felix couldn’t get caught on his way out, but he still felt the need to drive the point home. “Are you coming?”

“I don’t want you going out there alone.” 

Felix would praise Mark’s heroics if it wasn’t so fucking stupid. What they were about to do was idiotic. Heading into a condemned zone was suicide. The only reason Felix was doing this was because the people in this world had lost enough mothers and Ethan was a good kid who had already given up too much. “You got us a pod?”

“I did,” Mark reaffirmed.

“How long?”

“We’re supposed to be out there in the next five minutes.”

Felix nodded and wondered how silently he could get through this place while running.

. . .

The two hours into the district felt like days. Ethan knew his way through the streets like his own heartbeat, and Mark was quiet as a mouse to accommodate the panic Ethan was feeling, and the nerves Felix couldn’t push down. Quiet, maybe to also match the eerie silence that they were met with. There was no one in the condemned streets, which Felix should have taken as a comfort. Empty streets meant empty targets. But he had never seen a district street so silent, even at night.

Felix was very familiar with how these streets could light up in the dark. The fights that would happen, the family activities, the laughing and the screaming. For the first part of his life, he’d been on the outside, watching people eat and live and smile, all warm and tucked away from the acid rain while he’d wandered the streets and learned it was safer to live on rooftops. He re-learned English from a certain dangerous boy like him and the people peddling drugs and illegal wares, old antique weapons that were dug up from the farmlands. Eventually, after stealing a stupid kid from a fight that he wasn’t big enough for, he’d found a temporary place in one of those smiling, warm homes, but he’d never forget the loudness of the darkness. 

Now, the streets were silent, and Felix realized he’d never heard this kind of silence before. It was almost terrifying, the way it sunk into his brain and made him aware of every noise that was within the silence. The sound of their hurried footsteps, Ethan’s panicked breathing, and the gentle swish of their clothes. He was too aware of the silence and he hated it.

“This one,” Ethan said, pointing to a metal building that looked like everything else. “She, she lives on the ground floor, and please, guys, please, you gotta understand that she won’t know who we are.”

“She’s your mother,” Mark said, sounding incredulous.

“Head injury,” Felix said, the diagnosis sitting heavy in his chest. He was horrified to consider how much he had in common with this woman that they were trying to save. In a few more years, with maybe only one hit between them, and Felix could end up very much like her. Unable to recognize anyone. Maybe not even himself. For one sickening moment, he wished he didn’t care about Ethan and that he could have said no. Anything to not look this personal eventuality in the face. 

“We can’t tell her the bombs are dropping,” Ethan told them. “Her heart— it isn’t strong enough. None of her body is strong enough. Panic attacks and seizures and shit. She has to live the most peaceful life or her heart will give out. So we can’t tell her. It’ll kill her, literally. Like, if we try to drop that world-ending thing on her, she will slip into a panic attack and she. Will. Die. Same thing will happen if we force her. And we can’t knock her out. Another head injury will kill her.” 

“You can say names,” Ethan continued. “She won’t recognize any of them. Really, it, it won’t matter what you say. She won’t remember in the next hour or so. It’s really bad, you know? I didn’t like leaving her, but having a stranger in her house every morning when she woke up was just too much for her. She would just get so scared. It’s easier when she has to meet her neighbors three times a day and tells them she lives alone.”

“Ethan, I’m so sorry.”

Ethan looked to Mark with these wild eyes that made him look far younger than he should. He nodded jerkily before ducking into the building. “Ever noticed how the bombings are for days that it doesn’t rain?” he asked shakily. Distracting himself. “Wonder why that is?” Felix didn’t know the answer, but he was sure they’d find out one day. What was odd, though, was that he could distinctly remember bombs dropping on a day that it was raining. But he couldn’t remember how he knew. 

Ethan went to a door and glanced back between Mark and Felix. “Don’t tell her I’m her son,” he said as a final piece of advice. “Just, just don’t. It’ll hurt me more than it hurts her.”

Mark looked like the words had torn apart his insides, but Felix only nodded. He purposefully didn’t think about it. He wondered if, one day, Jack would be like Ethan. Asking people not to tell others he used to mean something to the memory-less Felix. Or would Jack even care? Would he linger and keep Felix safe from afar, or would he cut his losses and move on? Felix found it much easier to believe that Jack would just leave him behind and the thought made him dizzy.

Felix wasn’t supposed to be out here. He was injured. He couldn’t feel the fingers on his left hand. His sister was dying in his ears. He had no empty spaces left in his head to compartmentalize. 

Ethan knocked on the door and a gorgeous woman, horribly thin but pretty, answered the door with an expectant, yet kind smile. “Yes?” she said, voice lilting upwards like a song. “Can I help you boys?” Felix could hear it if she was talking. The rattle in her lungs and the tightness of her throat. He could hear her pulse in her voice, weak and thready. This woman was dying even without the threat of bombs falling on her head. 

“Hi,” Ethan said, not skipping a beat with a smile of his own. But Felix could see the wall Ethan had built for these moments behind his eyes. He was trying to keep himself from showing he felt anything for his own mother. “We’re, uhm. We just wanted to let you know that there’s a problem with the building’s water. They want everyone to leave so they can fix it. We’ve got a place set up for you a few blocks down for you to stay at until the job is done.”

Ethan was not creative. It was a shitty story that the frail woman saw right through. She narrowed her eyes, smart enough to be suspicious of them. But then, just as quickly, the suspicion passed, and she was wearing that pleasant, yet expectant smile again. “Yes?” she said, voice lilting upwards just as it had before. “Can I help you boys?”

Ethan looked like he was going to throw up.

Felix stepped forward. “Ma’am,” he said, lowering his voice, being gentle in consideration of her nerves. “We’re very tired and hungry. May we come inside?”

Very rarely was Felix grateful for how he looked. Lithe and pale and breakable, easy to take advantage of, easy to pin and force. But it had always seemed to tug at the heartstrings of Jack’s mother, and it was doing the same for Ethan’s. She smiled even more kindly and beckoned them inside. “I have lemonade and chocolate in the cooler,” she told them. “Chocolate is good for young men like you. The endorphins perk you right up.”

Ethan and Mark both looked a little confused. They hadn’t heard about chocolate for fourteen years and had probably never heard of lemonade. Little did they know, citrus was growable a generation ago. Ethan had no idea how severely his motherhood regressed in her years. “Water is fine,” he told her, taking the information in stride. “We wouldn’t want to take your chocolate. It’s very expensive.”

“My mother will bring more home later tonight.”

“Your mother?” Ethan repeated, unable to help himself. “Grand— I mean, of course you have a mother.”

She just smiled patiently at him. “My name is Sarah Nestor. What about you boys?”

Felix,” Felix replied. 

“I’m Mark.”

“Ethan.”

“What a beautiful name,” she murmured, eyes going hazy like she was in a daze. “I love that name. Ethan. When I have a child, I hope he’s a boy so I can name him Ethan.”

“I’ll bet he’d love that name,” Ethan told her, his voice strangled with emotion. 

“Sit, sit!” she suddenly prodded, pulling out chairs at an old, wooden table. Her little flat was clean and tidy, a well-kept bed off to the left by the larger window and the tiny kitchen with a table on the opposite side. Felix saw two doors, presumably a bathroom and storage. She had a rocking chair. Felix stared at the chair for a long time because he couldn’t recall ever seeing one before, yet somehow he could imagine the sensation of rocking himself to sleep in one. He looked back to Ms. Nestor and frowned when he saw her hair wasn’t the right shade of brown. Right shade of brown? What was the right shade supposed to be?

Felix forced his thoughts back on track. They had roughly two more hours before the bombs would drop. He didn’t know how they were going to convince her to leave. Even if they did find something that worked, she could very well forget in the middle of it. But— “Have you gone to the market today?” he asked. Mark and Ethan both looked to him in more confusion. They didn’t know it, but back before Central had monopolized energy production and water, farmers would come into the district and sell their goods out of a market, in the open. Mark and Ethan wouldn’t remember that, but Ms. Nestor would. 

“The market is open today?” she asked. “I thought that was yesterday.”

“They’re open all week,” Felix told her. “Celebrating a new harvest.” He was glad his assumptions had proven correct. All of her jagged memories were fitting a timeline that he could follow, thankfully. “We should go.”

“Isn’t that a little far?” she asked.

“We need to see if they have yams.” Another food that hadn’t been grown in over ten years. “I’m going to make a soup for these guys later. It’s been a while since we ate, but the thing is? I’ve never gone to the market without my parents. I don’t know how to barter. Could you help us?”

Ms. Nestor smiled widely. “Of course I can! Just let me get my coat.”

Ethan gaped at Felix, somehow looking simultaneously shocked and infinitely grateful. Ethan’s mother stood and went to the storage closet to get that coat. She opened one of the doors and then. Then she just stopped. Stared into the closet for a long time. Then she turned back around and jumped. “W-who—” She cut herself off, inching towards her kitchen, reaching for a pan on the stove. A weapon. “How did you get in my house?”

All three of them couldn’t speak through the shock. Felix knew they had very limited time. It would take them a while to actually get out of the blast zone and somewhere actually safe. The closest sympathizer home that would be open to them was an hour’s walk away. Felix didn’t know how they would be able to keep her with them. And he didn’t know what she would do if she kept coming back to herself in a different place than what she knew. 

“Ma’am, you’re safe,” Felix told her calmly. “You let us in. We told you we were hungry. You offered chocolate and lemonade. Your mother will be home later, but you agreed to take us to the market because I’ve never gone alone and could use the help. You’re safe.”

She didn’t think she was safe. She gripped the iron pan and threw it at Felix’s head. He ducked down and the pan hit the wall, scratching the paint that barely clung to the metal of the walls. “Get out of my house!” she screamed. “Help! Dad, help!” She threw something else at Felix. It shattered atop the table, glass slicing open the top of his palm. 

“Mom, please,” Ethan choked out, tears welling in his eyes as he backed himself up into a corner. She shrieked, seeing him for the first time, and grabbed a plate to throw at him. Felix threw out his hand. The plate hit him in his wrist and bounced off, breaking on the floor. 

“Ma’am, calm down,” Mark said, moving to stand in front of Ethan. Felix was glad they were on the same page. This was going to get messy, but Ethan did not deserve to suffer the brunt of his mother’s broken brain. “We just wanted your—”

“Dad, help!” she screamed again, breathing erratically, swaying dangerously on her feet like she was going to pass out. “There are people, they’re—”

She suddenly stopped, eyes going dead for a moment. Then she smiled at them in pleasant bewilderment. “Uhm, hello. How did you get in here?”

This wasn’t going to be able to work. Her brain reset too quickly for them to be able to convince her to follow them for long enough. They wouldn’t even make it out the door. And her lungs were rattling like a broken engine in her body. Her pupils were two different sizes now. Felix knew the signs of aggravated head trauma. She wasn’t going to survive this. 

“We were just leaving,” Ethan said from behind Mark.

“Oh, good,” she replied. “Please see yourselves out.”

Ethan pulled Mark out of the house in rush and Felix followed. Ethan stumbled into the empty, silent street, his crying louder than ever. “She’s so bad,” he sobbed. “She’s so bad. I-I didn’t know she’d gotten this bad.”

“What do you want us to do?” Felix asked.

“We could knock her out—”

“Her brain can’t take it, she’ll die. Didn’t you hear her? She was struggling just from shouting.” 

Felix grimaced, watching Ethan with pity. “She’s your mother. She isn’t able to take care of herself. We don’t have much longer. I’m sorry, Ethan, but it’s up to you.”

“She’ll be so afraid,” Ethan choked out. “When the bombs fall. I don’t want her to die afraid.”

“Then how do we get her out?”

“We can’t.”

“Then what do we do?”

“Don’t you get it? I don’t want her to die afraid, Felix.” Then Ethan pulled the LAR from his hip and held it out. “I can’t do it. I’m so sorry.”

Mark and Felix both stared at the gun. 

“There has to be another way,” Mark said. 

“Anything else will either o-put us in danger trying to force her along, or will make her body g-give out,” Ethan said, his breath hitching with sobs. “She’s going to die today. I just want it to be fast. I want her to not know it’s coming. She— is she really e-even living? She’s happy, I know, but she forgets everything. Maybe it’s sick of me, maybe it’s not in my right to make this decision, but she will d-die today. Even if we find a way to like, gas her into unconsciousness, she’ll see the smoke. My. My mom’s going to die today. I just want it not to hurt.”

Felix looked down at his right hand that had the cut and saw the bleeding was so bad that there was a pool of red on the street beneath him. Then he looked back up to the LAR. Pictured the moment in his head. He was technically the leader out of the three of them, he was expected to take charge. He pictured going back into that small, tidy home, approaching the woman from behind with deadly intent, raising the weapon to the back of her head, and putting that broken brain out of commission. 

It was too much. It was all too much. His sister, his own brain, this woman. He was going to end up like her. She was the liability he was doomed to become. He might as well put the LAR to his own head and pull the trigger when he was done. He’d asked Jack to kill him, but Jack had said he couldn’t. Maybe… maybe Felix needed to do the right thing and kill himself for them both. Maybe he needed to take the LAR, put it to her head, and then to his own. Two shots. That was all it would take, and then everything would be fixed.

He reached for the LAR, but Mark took it from Ethan before Felix could. “I can—”

“There’s something going on in your head right now that I don’t like.” Mark interrupted Felix unrepentantly. “You’ve been through so much today already. We’re already breaking a lot of rules. If you go back to Jack in pieces, we won’t hear the end of it.” Mark took in a deep breath. “I can do it.”

“I’m sorry,” Ethan said. 

“Don’t be,” Mark reassured him. “Out of all of you, I’ve lost the least. I think it’s about time I start my own collection of internalized trauma. And I don’t want either of you to have to do this.” He held the LAR in his hand and readjusted his grip like he was unfamiliar with the weight of a killing machine. “Do you want to say goodbye?”

“She wouldn’t know who I am,” Ethan choked out. “It would be selfish. Just putting her through more stress.”

Mark nodded. “I’ll be back.”

He disappeared back into the building. Ethan looked to Felix and they stood there together, in the silence. Felix didn’t know what to say, so when Ethan asked him, “are you okay?” Felix felt like everything was ruined. Felix was supposed to be the person to ask Ethan that. 

Then there was a shot in the house. Ethan flinched. 

“I’m so sorry,” Felix breathed. 

“It’s okay,” Ethan said, even though he sounded the furthest thing from okay. “If anything, I-I’m sorry I had to make Mark do it.”

Felix wanted to respond, but then there was a second shot. A weird one, too, more like a fierce bang or a book being dropped to the floor from a great height. It wasn’t electronic like a LAR, and it was to their left, down the street. Felix ducked instinctively, reaching out to Ethan to push him down as well. Then there were more shots, all of them unfamiliar and violent. Felix looked down the street and saw soldiers. Unknown soldiers. They were dressed in black with an unknown insignia on their chests. They were filing in and out of houses, and whenever they went inside, there was a shot. Felix then realized there was a sound of a scream with the shot, just barely audible. 

“They’re killing people,” Felix said. They were killing whoever was left. He looked at what was in the hands of the soldiers and distantly recognized them, but—

“Run, we have to run!” Ethan gasped, turning to sprint away as he’d said. Felix looked to the building and saw Mark come out, his eyes wide with more than what he’d been forced to do. Felix grabbed him by the front of his shirt. A shot whizzed past them. Felix could physically feel it in the air, but didn’t see the light that would come from a LAR or LARS. It hit the metal and put a fucking hole in it. Felix stared at the hole with bewilderment. He knew what he was seeing, he just couldn’t—

“Felix, Felix,” Mark said, grabbing Felix’s shirt too so they could run. “Where do we go?!”

Felix didn’t know what was happening. These unknown soldiers— not even Enforcers— were combing in and out of houses, targeting anyone left. Why would they be doing this? This place was to be bombed, what was the point of killing people before the bombs dropped? And what about—

“Felix, please!”

Felix snapped out of his head and ran, catching up easily with Ethan with Mark just behind. He made a sharp turn into an alley that he knew had an old sewer that would get them out of this block before the cave-in that was just a mile down. He only knew about it because Amy had once lectured him on the effects of an old earthquake on the subterranean systems. Felix went to the manhole and Mark joined him in lifting it. More shots rained over their heads, invisible and horrifying. Felix pushed Ethan into the hole first, then Mark. He chanced a glance down an alley and came face to face with a masked soldier.

The insignia on the soldier’s chest was a four-pronged star. The weapon they were holding looked like silicon and metal. It was long and had a lot of barrier parts. The barrel was hollow. Felix stared at it and the soldier stared back. Then they raised their weapon. 

It was a gun. 

An actual gun. 

From old wars and his textbooks. 

His SHIELD wouldn’t protect him against that. 

Felix raised his weapon faster than he’d thought he was capable of and shot the soldier in the chest. The person let out a grunt and fell to the ground, as dead as could be, the hole in their chest still smoking. Felix was shaking again, as always happened when he had to kill. But it was do-or-die and today was a terrible day. 

He dropped into the sewer and pulled the manhole cover back over with great effort. More shots continued and Felix told himself that they couldn’t save everyone. But what he really started to think, as he pictured Ethan’s mother lifeless on the floor with a hole in her head, was that they couldn’t save anyone.


	7. A New Momentum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *whaaaaaatt*  
> wait this isn't discord  
>  _whaaaaaat_
> 
> in other news, a new Eden **banger** out and that boy needs hashtag-therapy

Felix stared down the crowd of people waiting for them with fearless apathy. They’d hitched a ride into the farmlands rather illegally and had walked through the desolation back to their home, completely silent. Ethan had stopped crying ages ago, and Mark was deep in thought, much like Felix. So much had happened, too much for him to process all at once. He needed quiet and time to think. He needed isolation and darkness to understand everything. The soldiers, the premeditated slaughter, the weapons they used. None of it made sense. 

Instead of getting that much needed silence, he was facing down a crowd of people and, in the center, Jack. 

Formidable, angry, his arms crossed over his chest, looking ready to kill. The lobby was full of about twenty people, but Jack was the only one that mattered. Even when Amy said Mark’s name and rushed forward to embrace him. Felix watched them with an empty expression. He could see the worry plain and clear on Amy’s face, and he could see the tension and fear bleed from Mark as he held the girls in his arms. They pulled back. Mark whispered something. Amy’s eyes went wide before she surged forward and kissed Mark.

Felix’s apathy was washed away by shock. That was— that was good. Better than expected. He remembered Mark telling him that he and Amy had no hope of being together, and yet here they were, together, happening. Felix watched them kiss, took in the way Amy’s knuckles were white with how tightly she was clinging to the man, and the way Mark was trying to keep from squeezing enough to hurt. A dark part of Felix hated it. He hated the happiness they were finding in each other. A better part of him was just relieved they would be able to have one another through whatever the hell this world threw at them next. 

Felix was so distracted by Mark and Amy finally coming together that he didn’t hear Jack march towards him. He only felt himself suddenly being slammed against the wall with Jack’s hand around his neck. 

_”You suicidal fucking idiot!”_ Jack shouted into his face, furious as the sun. His hand around Felix’s neck was actually painful. He could breathe, but it still hurt. Felix gaped down at Jack, unable to understand the severity of the hatred he was seeing in the other man.

“Jack, I—”

“It’s like ye’ fuckin’ want t’ die!” Jack barreled on, tightening his grip and ignoring Felix’s attempt to defend himself. “You knew what I told ye’ to do, you deliberately disobeyed every single fuckin’ command I gave ye’, and went out into a fucking bomb zone! You’re an absolute piece of shit, Felix! I could fuckin’ kill ye’ if I didn’t think it would be a waste of the resources ye’ spent in coming back alive!”

Felix felt something stirring in his chest and recognized it as fear. He was afraid of Jack and what he could do to him. The hand around his neck was a horrible threat to his life that he suddenly couldn’t ignore. He grabbed Jack by the wrists, eyes wide and scared like a child as he looked to the other man.

“Jack, you’re hurting him!” Signe cried out. Sive came forward to try and pull Jack away, but Jack was solid in his fury and pushed Sive away.

“Please,” Felix choked out, not at all above begging for his life. He was losing his ability to breathe, the fear and pain constricting his chest. He was terrified of finding a bruise in the shape of Jack’s hand later on “I-it hurts.”

Instantly, all the hatred bled from Jack to be replaced by bone-deep shock. He tore his hand from Felix’s neck, stumbling back like he was waking from a dream. He gasped for breath more severely than Felix. Jack shook his head as if to clear it, then waved his arm uselessly in the air. “Outside, outside,” he said, his voice shaking. 

“Jack, he didn’t—”

“I’ll deal with the both of ye’ later,” Jack snapped, interrupting Ethan without remorse, glaring between him and Mark. “Felix. Outside.”

Felix’s gaze instinctually swept over Jack, looking for a weapon. The weight of this action wasn’t lost to anyone in the room. Most of the people cowered, afraid of the wrath of their leader. Sive reached out again, watching Jack like he was a threat, but Jack slapped his hand away. “Get yer fuckin’ hands off me.”

“Don’t you fucking hurt him, Jack,” Sive threatened. The rage that showed in the sneer Jack sent Sive was heart stropping. Even Sive backed down from it.

“Felix,” Jack bit out, still watching Sive like he could kill him. “Outside.”

Felix shoved back out into the empty desert, rounding the entrance and getting out of sight. He didn’t know what was so important for Jack to say that it necessitated no witnesses, but he knew he would be better off accommodating Jack rather than trying to fight the inevitable. His hands were shaking. There was a voice in his head telling him to run that didn’t sound like a voice he’d ever heard before. He wondered if it was another person he’d forgotten. 

He heard Jack rather than saw him approach. Even Jack’s footsteps were angry, cutting through the dirt and silence. Felix kept his back to him, like a dog showing their stomach to a predator. Even if Jack was going to hurt him, Felix wasn’t about to fight back. Fighting Jack would probably destroy him.

A hand gripped his shoulder hard enough to bruise and whirled him around, shoving him against the wall. Felix squeezed his eyes shut, wanting to not see it coming. He expected a fist or even the cold press of a muzzle to his head. He hadn’t seen Jack this angry since his family had died, and someone had been killed in that aftermath of ordeal as well. Felix didn’t know if he was going to die, but he knew this was going to hurt. He braced for impact. 

The impact was arms coming around his shoulders, a chest being pressed against his, and Jack burying his face in Felix’s neck. Felix was so shocked that he couldn’t move. His eyes flew open and he stared down Jack, down his body, as if to confirm this was actually him. Felix couldn’t do a thing until he felt wetness against his neck and realized Jack was crying. Only then did his own arms come up to return the embrace.

“Do you wanna die?” Jack asked, voice hitching with his tears. “Genuinely, Felix. Do ye’ really wanna die?” The usually-confident voice strangled by pain was tearing Felix’s heart into pieces. “Ye’ asked me t’ die with ye’ back at the Philistines. You go out into bombs. Do you wanna die?”

Felix didn't think he did, but his own actions had screamed the contrary, leaving him confused. Felix shook his head. “I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t think I wanna die, I just— I don’t think I wanna keep living either.” An ugly sob tore itself from Jack, so hard that Felix felt it in his body. He held Jack tight. “I’m so sorry.”

“Oh god, Felix, I can’t have ye’ keep doing this.”

Felix didn’t know what he meant. 

“Ye’ keep fighting me,” Jack whimpered, honest to god whimpered. He sounded wounded and small and scared. “You keep going against what I say when I’m only tryin’ to look out for ye’. I’m only trying t’ keep you safe. I’m only trying to keep ye’ alive and whole and maybe even happy, if I can manage it. Why do ye’ keep fighting me? I just want to keep you alive.”

Felix didn’t know what to say. He held on until Jack took a step back, pulling away from Felix. Jack wiped furiously at his eyes with the sleeve of his coat, sniffling, clearing his throat, covering up the evidence. “Why did you go?”

“Ethan’s mother was in the bombing area,” Felix replied, feeling hollow. “She, she had a— a deficit. She couldn’t leave, didn’t understand what the alert meant. We went in there to try and get her out, but the deficit proved to be too much. We had to… She died.”

“You’re all this fight as left, Felix.”

“That’s not true.” This fight was much more than just Felix. It was Jack. Only Jack and his vision. Felix didn’t mean shit, but if Jack fell? Then all hope was lost. “I’m not the fight, Jack, you are. I know you think you’re not strong enough or something—” and he didn’t think that at all, but it seemed to be what Jack was implying. “—But I can promise you that you don’t need me. You’ll win this fight on your own, Jack. You’ll have your people. You’ll have Signe. You’ll be fine.”

Jack rounded on him, filled with furious passion again, but the tears lingering in his eyes offset the anger in a way that made Felix feel sick. 

“You’re a fuckin’ idiot,” Jack spat. “You’re all this fight has left, Felix. There’s no way we can do this without ye’! You’re all we’ve got left!”

“And Ethan’s mother was all he had left.”

“No, he has us!”

Felix clenched his jaw. “Look me in the eye and tell me your wouldn’t trade my life for your mothers.”

Jack faced him, fixing Felix underneath his intense gaze, and Felix thought he had won. Jack had loved his mother as a priest to his god. His whole young life, he’d been at his mother’s heels, tending to her whims, giving her what she wanted from him whenever he could. He’d been devoted to her. Every inch of his body and bones had been wired by her, for her. So Felix thought he had won.

Then, still looking Felix dead in the eye, Jack said, “I would not trade yer life for my mother’s.”

Felix was speechless. He felt like the ground had collapsed beneath his feet. Jack didn’t pull his gaze away and Felix could see the pain swimming in the other man at the depth of his admission. Jack would have died for his mother. But, apparently, he wouldn’t have let Felix die. 

“My family,” Jack continued in a strangled tone. “Me father, me mother, Allison? All of them. I would never put their life above yours. If by some twist of cruel fate I was given the ability to save every single one of them in trade for your life, I wouldn’t take it. I will never, ever trade any life, in any amount of life, for yours.”

Felix’s hands were shaking. “Please stop.”

Jack flinched, then nodded and looked away. “I get it,” he whispered. “I’ve done too much. You’re scared of me. I’m sorry.”

Felix tore his eyes away from the man in front of him who had never looked so defeated, even when burying the few bones of he was able to find of his family. His throat hurt. “I, I have something important to tell you.”

“What is it?” Jack asked, slamming into professional apathy. But Felix could see what he’d done to Jack in the rapid heartbeat under Jack’s throat and the way his jaw wouldn’t stop trembling. Felix loved Jack for how he put everything in this world above himself.

Felix knew he should tell him about the soldiers, but— “Two things.”

“What are they?”

“I’m not afraid of you,” Felix said. “Just afraid of what you can do to me. You don’t understand how easily you can kill me, Jack, with something as insignificant as your words. I am not afraid of you. I’m afraid of how much I need you.”

Jack swallowed visibly and shook his head. “I don’t want to hurt ye’.” His eyes strayed to Felix’s neck and something awful came over his face. “But it seems like all I’m good at these days.”

Felix reached up to feel at the delicate skin, finding that the simple brush of his fingertips ached. “I deserved it,” he said. “I mean it.” He did. “I directly disobeyed you. You were worried, you still are. I had that panic attack and then I literally fell apart with the Philistines. You were so worried about me and instead of listening to you and taking care of myself, I ran headfirst into bombs. I was, I was being cruel to you. I know I was. If you had done that to me, I would have wanted to hurt you too. Because of how much it would have scared me.”

Jack looked like he was about to cry again. “I just want ye’ safe, Felix. Why can’t you understand that?”

“I do,” Felix lied. “I just. Ethan needed me. His mother meant everything to him. And she, she. She had a memory problem. She would forget things.” Felix sent Jack a wretched smile that he had meant to be comforting. “I needed to help her. She was like me.”

Jack shook his head, but he didn’t argue. “I’m sorry for hurting ye’.”

“I know you are.” Felix could see it in the way Jack was holding the hand that had been around Felix’s throat. Jack started to scratch at the skin, already digging in too much. Felix reached out and quickly bat the hand away, keeping Jack from hurting yourself. “I broke you of that habit years ago. Don’t start it up again.”

A tear slipped from Jack’s eye and he furiously wiped it away. He took in a deep, shaky breath and wrung his fingers in his trench-coat. “So, uh. What was the other thing?”

“It’s about what I saw.”

Jack nodded, unable to meet Felix’s eyes. “Ethan’s mother?”

“No. We were there until the last two hours. We saw soldiers come in and shoot anyone that hadn’t left.”

Jack’s head snapped towards Felix so sharply that he was worried he’d hurt something. His mouth was parted gently in shock. “What?”

“They were going into the homes and shooting whoever they found,” Felix reiterated. “Soldiers with a star on their chests. I’ve never seen them before. I don’t think they work for the Chair. They shot people using— using guns.”

“LAR?”

“No, guns. Old weapons that were used before the Continent. They’re metal and plastic and they use bullets, pieces of more metal that go through the body. They don’t cauterize or close up anything. They can get all twisted up inside. They break apart. They’re awful, Jack. I remembered pictures, that’s the only way I knew what they were. They were using old tech. We don’t have anything that can stand against it. They can shoot through walls, Jack.”

“Oh fuck,” Jack breathed, sounding so tired. “What do we do? Who were they?”

“I told you, I don’t know. I don’t even know why they were doing it. Why would they shoot people before bombing the place?”

“T’ make sure no one escapes,” Jack replied like it was simple. To someone who thought as practically violent as Jack, Felix was sure it was. “The bombs they use are incendiary, we just learned that from the shit you and Ethan took off their network. They’re meant to burn everything away into cinders, but they don’t always reach the full radius they’re meant to hit. They go in there, shoot the people, and collect the bodies in smaller areas t’ make sure they’re incinerated.” Jack pulled at the scruff on his chin, deep in thought. “It’s foolproof efficiency. They wanna make sure no one survives that shit. Everyone in the condemned area has t’ die. The only reason you and I survived was cause we weren’t home.”

Felix nodded slowly, knowing Jack was right. It made sense. If the Chair was really trying to wipe out these areas in totality, of course they would ensure the body count beyond something as finicky as a bomb. And the incendiary bombs were best for complete destruction of organic material. Most bodies didn’t even survive the heat. “But why the old weapons?”

Jack shook his head. “I don’t know. What do they do exactly?”

“Break through the body, tear into the flesh. You die from bleeding out moreso than from the bullet itself, unless it hits something vital. Since it doesn’t cauterize and scatters, it’s more difficult to treat.”

Jack frowned. “Ye’ mean it doesn’t destroy bone?”

“It can shatter bone, break it, but it doesn’t disintegrate it like a LAR.”

“That’s it, then. They don’t want evidence of the shots. If people think it’s just bombs being dropped from high above the carbon, then they won’t look an deeper than the scapegoat we’ve been given. People don’t know what guns are, so they don’t know to look for the— the shot? What’s left behind. Bullets. But if they use a LAR or LARS, people will see the missing sections of bone and know the job is mainly done from the ground, which would completely obliterate any Omerian scapegoat. Right now, people just believe the bombs are being dropped from above, hitting randomly. But being shot by people on the ground first shows that it’s an inside job and not at all the random chance the Omerians had.”

Felix stared at Jack, in awe of the dead knowledge the man had. It was genuinely incredible. Felix couldn’t ever have considered something like that, but he was a realist. Jack was the person who saw the worst in humanity as clear as day. He didn’t know if he was struck by the genius or the tragedy, but he knew he respected Jack for it more and more.

“I can’t imagine ye’ being there,” Jack admitted, sounding ruined for it. “T’ see them coming, these, these guns. Archaic and brutal, God, Felix, and his mother. Did… did you have to do it?”

Felix looked away. “He asked. I couldn’t. I-I couldn’t— Mark did it. He really stood up and did what I couldn’t. I feel so stupid for not being able to go through with it, Jack. I’m supposed to be a leader to some of these people, I’m supposed to be able to take charge when it calls for it, but I couldn’t. I failed him.”

Jack vehemently shook his head. “You were never meant for that. You’re not supposed t’ do things like that, and I’m glad ye’ didn’t. You’re not meant for a world like this one.”

Felix frowned. “What does that even mean?”

Jack shook his head again. “Are you okay, Felix?”

“What?”

“Are you okay?” Jack pressed. “What ye’ went through. The woman with memory loss being killed, the soldiers and the bombs and the guns. The day ye’ already had. Felix. I’m so fuckin’ worried about your head.”

“I am too,” Felix confessed. “I don’t wanna end up like her.”

Jack looked sick. He took a step back in the dirt, tugging at his hair, trying to work something out. Then he looked back up at Felix and recited, 

_“Oh, let’s go up on the hill and scare ourselves, as reckless of the best of them tonight, by setting fire to the bush we piled with pitchy hands to wait for rain or snow.”_

Felix’s heart fluttered damningly in his chest. Jack’s lips were familiar with the words like Felix’s were, but he was reciting in tandem and flow. Jack took a step forward, standing close to Felix, looking to him earnestly like he thought the words were better than the best medicine. Felix stared into the deep blue depths and hide the trembling of his hands behind his back. 

_“Oh, let’s not wait for rain to make it safe. The pile is ours: we dragged it bough on bough down dark converging paths between the pines. Let’s not care what we do with it to-night. Divide it? No, but…”_ Jack trailed off, brow furrowing. He’d forgotten the next line.

 _“But burn it as one pile the way we piled it,”_ Felix supplied in a whisper. The way Jack looked at him at the reminder flayed Felix’s chest opened. He prayed Jack couldn’t read how horribly Felix was in love while his eyes were boring into his soul. 

_“Burn it as one pile the way we piled it.,”_ Jack repeated. _“And let’s be the talk of people brought to windows by a light thrown from somewhere against their wall-paper. Rouse them all, both the free and not so free with saying what they’d like to do to us for what they’d better wait till we have done. Let’s all but bring to life this old volcano, if that is what the mountain ever was— and scare ourselves. Let wild fire loose we will….”_

When Jack trailed off, Felix almost thought he needed to be fed another line, until Felix really recognized the stanza Jack had reached the end of and realized his role. He took in a shaking breath and replied, _“And scare you too?”_

 _“Why wouldn’t it scare me,”_ Jack replied, his voice hoarse and low. _“To have a fire begin in smudge with ropy smoke and know that still, if I repent, I may recall it, but in a moment not: a little spurt of burning fatness, and then nothing but the fire itself can put it out, and that by burning out, and before it burns out it will have roared first and mixed sparks with stars, and sweeping round it with a flaming sword, made the dim trees stand back in wider circle— done so much and I know not how much more I mean it shall not do if I can bind it.”_

The way Jack finished the phrase brought a slip of control, the word “bind” meaning too much to Felix. He thought of the name on the inside of his wrist that Jack didn’t know the existence of and knew what it meant in relation to what Felix could be. A name on an Exotic’s skin was like a collar. They were bound to their owner, legally and irrevocably. Felix had bound himself to Jack in a way that went beyond their lifelong loyalty. And one day, Jack was going to leave him. Felix suddenly couldn’t breathe.

“Please stop,” he choked out, blinking quickly to stop tears of panic. “Another— I-I can’t breathe, Jack.”

Jack looked wounded and quickly stopped reciting. “Do ye’ need t’ sit?”

“I wanna go to bed,” Felix confessed, slouching against the wall, weakened. “I need— I need rest. All along, you’ve been right. You’ve been right. I need to sleep, Jack, you know best, you’ve always known best. Please help me.”

Jack nodded and looked to the front entrance, but Felix shook his head. “Don’t want them to see.” Jack’s lips became a grim line, but he nodded again in understanding. He jerked his chin toward the broken windows that surrounded these levels, his intentions clear. He lended an arm to Felix to keep him upright, a hand tangling in the back of Felix’s hair to keep his head straight, like holding onto his hair would keep him from knocking his skull against anything. He pushed Felix forward and navigated the old glass that clung to the edges of the shattered mirrors, brought him to the service stairs that no one used and kept Felix between himself and the wall. Past everyone, past the warm room, doing into the sleeping areas, and- and past Felix’s room? Straight into Jack’s.

“Ye’ sleep on the fuckin’ floor,” Jack grumbled when Felix looked to him in confusion as Jack pushed Felix into his room. “I hate when you sleep on the floor.”

“It was only today,” Felix lied. 

“Bullshit. Ye’ve slept on the floor nearly every night these days.”

“How would you know?”

Jack clammed up, looking away. “Go the fuck t’ sleep. You’re not leaving. We’ve a meeting in four hours, postponed thanks to the stunt ye’ pulled. I’ll wake ye’ cause it’s important, but… You need rest.”

On Jack’s bed, Felix lied across the cot and denied himself the indulgence in pressing his nose into the pillow and smothering himself in _Jack._ “I’m sorry,” he said. “But I couldn’t let him lose someone. I had to do my best to keep it from happening. I’m sorry.”

“It’s over and done with,” Jack said firmly, eyes dragging over Felix’s body on the bed like he was looking for wounds. “I wish ye’ hadn’t done it, but I know why you did. Just, just rest, Felix. I need ye’ in better shape. We’re heading East.” There was a pause, then Jack sighed and ran a tired hand over his face. “Just rest. Please. We can’t argue again. I cannot argue. Not with you.” Jack went to the furthest wall and slouched down onto the floor. “I’ll watch over ye’. Just sleep.”

Felix watched Jack for a long time, hating the weariness he saw. He shut his eyes to avoid looking any longer and did his best to force himself to sleep.

. . .

“I’d put the lot of ye’ on probation if I could afford t’ lose ye’,” Jack said immediately once everyone had gathered at those tin tables and the meeting had begun. Jack had Felix sitting next to where Jack stood, Jack bent over the measly maps that had of the East District. None of them had ever even come close to going into the East. It was the largest and most lawless of all the districts in the continent, wild in its nearly-unsustainable population and not nearly enough Enforcers to do much good. Coupling that with the severe teachings of the Adleists, and you had a dangerous area that was akin to what used to be the Wild West. 

Felix had brought that classification to Jack’s knowledge one day, and Jack had only been able to grimly agree. They were in the dark with the East. 

“Ethan,” Jack began, pulling the kid’s attention to him. Ethan had his head hung low, unable to meet anyone’s gaze. He was waiting to be punished. Jack stared into him, seeing through all of the fear in Ethan’s posture. “I’m sorry for yer loss.” Ethan’s eyes went wide in surprise and Jack grimaced. “I know what it’s like, but not to the extent ye’ve been through. Ye’ made an impossible decision. I’m sorry it was ever placed on yer shoulders.”

Ethan nodded slowly like he was in a daze. Felix wished he could help the kid feel better, but he knew that it was important that they focus on the mission. If anything—

“I want ye’ t’ know that I’m not bringing you into the next hub.”

Ethan sat up, eyes wider, yet hurt. “But I—”

“It ain’t for what happened,” Jack interrupted. “You’re t’ help Robin. We’ve no need for reconnaissance or information farming. Bringing ye’ in would only pose a threat to your safety, and nothing more. I ain’t trying to punish ye’, I’m trying to keep you safe. You’re to stay with Robin and help him work our new tech.”

“New tech?” Mark asked, his interest piqued from where he was shoulder to shoulder with Amy, their fingers intertwined atop the table. “What did you get?”

“Signe picked it up,” Jack said, giving the girl across the table a sharp nod of approval. “Whole case, twenty of ‘em. More than likely intended t’ keep people in contact with one another. It ain’t anything flashy, but it’s useful.” Jack reached down underneath the table and brought up a metal container. He pulled it open and held up a tiny little piece of rubber, smaller than a fingernail. “Earpieces. We can keep in contact across short distances with these. Ten miles radius.”

“That’s useful,” Sive said. “And how did we get the means to use this?”

Jack gave another nod across the table. At the end, standing outside the small circle they’d made, Tyler gave a nod back. “It ain’t foolproof,” Jack said. “We could have shotty coverage. But it’s better than nothing. It ain’t gonna be a crutch, just a help. And Ethan? I’m taking ye’ off the frontline to ensure that we don’t end up in the dark with tech giving away where we are and what we’re doing. It ain’t gonna be clean a clean in and out anymore. They know we’re gunning for them, they’re smart enough to recognize a pattern. I’m not punishing you. I’m asking ye’ to keep us safe.”

Ethan looked barely mollified. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I wouldn’t have taken Felix if I had any other choice. I know his head is, is all sorts of fucked up, I know he’s fucked, but I couldn’t go to anyone else that would help me quickly enough.”

“I know,” Jack said, looking like he hated agreeing. “I would’ve taken too long or tried t’ talk ye’ out of it. Tyler wouldn’t have gone out into the districts. Sive wouldn’t want t’ go AWOL, Amy was trying t’ work on the East maps, Signe can’t use a gun, and there ain’t really anyone else t’ go to after that. I know ye’ had no other choice.”

Felix was astounded by the compassion Jack was showing, but he was glad Ethan was receiving it. Losing a mother was hard enough. Being “benched” could only make things feel worse. 

“Do not let this keep ye’ from doing your absolute fucking best,” Jack said to Ethan with a firm gesture of his finger into the table. “I need ye’ to keep me and all of us alive. Robin cannot handle our radio and the incoming radio on his own while also helping us navigate an entirely new area we’ve never had the chance t’ study. He’s only got two ears and two hands. Please. Do not think I’m punishing ye’. Just keep us safe.”

Ethan clenched his jaw and nodded. “I will. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Jack sighed. “Ye’ all came back in one piece, relatively.” He spared a glance to Mark. “And you— you okay? Felix told me what ye’ had t’ do. Are you okay.”

Mark breathed in harshly. Felix watched Amy squeeze his hand. “I’m fine.”

Jack scrunched his nose. Felix knew he wanted to call bullshit. “Are you sure?”

“While I am touched by your concern, I will tell you what I felt at the time,” Mark said calmly. “That woman as in a dire situation. She was going to die. We could not have done anything to save her, so we had to make sure her death was painless and without fear, as that was the kindest we could do for her. Felix is already injured and we couldn’t ask Ethan to do it. I just did what was necessary.”

Jack nodded. “Yeah, ye’ did. But are you okay?”

Mark slanted his eyes like he didn’t understand. “I’m sorry, I—”

“Just cause ye’ did the right and necessary thing doesn’t mean you’re fine,” Jack said. “Ye’ think I’m cool with half the shit I’ve done? Ye’ think I’m just fine and dandy in the things I’ve had to do, the people I’ve hurt or killed? Don’t act like you’re golden just cause ye’ think the rest of us are. You’re working with broken people here, Mark. And misery loves company.”

Mark gaped. “Is that what poetry does? Will I suddenly get, like, this really amazing sentence structure if Felix reads me poetry?”

Jack narrowed his eyes. Felix kicked Jack under the table. Mark was deflecting, he wouldn’t talk to Jack about whatever he was going through. Jack scowled and let out a huff of aggravation. “Fine,” he bit out. “Before I get into the meat of it, are there any questions?”

“Did you hit Felix again?” Sive asked. Jack reared back, gaze becoming deadly. And shit. Felix hadn’t considered how that whole fiasco would have looked to everyone else. Jack with a hand around Felix’s throat, then ordering him out of sight, after Felix had just lied and said Jack had been forced to slap him out of a stupor. He was a little touched that Sive was so for-Felix that he wasn’t afraid of public accusations towards Jack, but jesus christ, was this not the time.

“Listen here,” Jack almost growled. “I don’t fuckin’ hit any of ye’. Felix went against my orders, so we discussed it, like it’s fuckin’ meant to be done. I don’t fuckin’ hit my own men. I wouldn’t hit Felix sooner than I’d hit any of ye’. Do ye’ hear me?”

Sive met Jack’s gaze fearlessly. But Signe was the one to sit up and say, “Felix said you had to slap him to get him out of his panic attack. That, that’s what Sive is referring to. We know you’d never hit us to hurt us.”

Jack’s expression washed clean, but he didn’t give anything away. Once again, Signe was getting Felix into a shit ton of trouble with Jack completely by accident. She had a fucking gift. “I did what I had t’ do,” Jack said after a long moment. His hands became fists on the table, his knuckles white. “We just discussed how we have t’ live with the choices we make. That’s one I’ve t’ live with, and it’s gonna be harder than most. Happy?”

“Hardly,” Sive replied. 

“We’re sorry it had to happen,” Signe said. 

“So am I,” Jack grit out. “Any other questions?”

“Are you sure you ain’t gonna smack around my boy? You had his hand around his neck.”

Jack drove his fist into the table, the surface jumping with the force of it. Felix sat back and ran a hand over his face, feeling like a fucking idiot for telling that lie. Jack would not let this slide. He would not be able to just ignore what Felix had told people. And he wouldn’t be able to convince anyone to his side of the story alone.

“He looked very sorry for it,” Felix sighed, hating that he even had to do this. “And I highly doubt he’d be eager to do it again. I was out of my mind, Sive, dare I say hysterical. We were in the middle of a dangerous mission and had a huge time constraint in the form of fucking c-4. He did. What he had. To do. Please do not accuse him of anything else.”

“Hysterics or not, who the fuck hits a guy who’s out of his mind?”

“It happened quite often in old media,” Felix defended, arms crossing over his chest. He was started to get a little aggravated. “Maybe it doesn’t fit into your sensible ideas of proper treatment of the insane, but it wasn’t an uncommon method for people with as few options as Jack had. And right now, you seem to be suggesting that Jack is just gonna do it again for shits and giggles. I can assure you that he did not _fucking_ hit me and I really, really doubt it’ll happen again. I disobeyed him yesterday, put myself and two others in danger, but he only got rightfully pissed and shouted, and that was it. So just put this the fuck out of your mind. We have a lot to do.”

Sive frowned but just nodded his head, sitting back. “Fine. My bad.”

“Damn fuckin’ right,” Jack said. “But, I’m not a complete ass. Once again, are there any more question?”

No one spoke up. Jack seemed almost relieved. He hadn’t looked at Felix once during his entire defense and Felix prayed that they wouldn’t have a moment of rest before having to leave for the East. He didn’t want to have another painful conversation with Jack. After having woken up from those two hours of rest, Felix’s head had been throbbing in a constant rhythm, with the oddest tune in his head. An unfamiliar song that Felix couldn’t reproduce himself. He hadn’t heard music in years. He wasn’t sure where he could have heard a song he’d never remembered before, but it definitely wasn’t helping with his awful headache. He was in the right mind to survive another fight with Jack.

“We’re moving on,” Jack said, sidestepping away from Felix and putting space between them. Felix wasn’t sure if the action was conscious or not, but he hated it regardless. “We’re t’ go into the East. Both the Sun Walker and Philistine figureheads have gone into the East, as reported by Tyler’s father.” Jack’s knuckles were still white, his shoulders stiff. He was ignoring his inner turmoil to get to work. Felix felt horrible sorry for him. If he had been accused of hitting Jack with no discernible way to prove his innocence, he’d be full of agony. 

“The Adleists are going to be the most difficult hub we’ve taken on, and not only because it’s the last and will be the most heavily guarded. I don’t know how much the rest of ye’ know, but the Adleists are fuckin’ insane.”

“Strong words,” Felix said. “Passionate would be better.”

“Passionate for a violent and overzealous god,” Jack huffed. “They preach hatred and self-righteousness and religious segregation and disguise it all as good graces and intentions to save the world for some sort of fucking heaven. They don’t condone the terrorism their religion spurs in their followers, but they sure as hell ain’t trying to keep it from happening either.”

“So they’re dangerous,” Sive said, still sounding put-off. “We’ve dealt with dangerous countless times before. Unless you wanna sell us that everything up to now has been a cakewalk?”

“Are you really trying t’ compare the Philistines and Sun Walkers to the fucking Adleists?”

Sive sat back, arms crossed even more tightly over his chest.

“You know these people,” Jack told them softly. “Ye’ve heard the stories. Maybe not all of them are true, but stories gotta come from somewhere. Baptisms being the clever name for drownings. Private mass suicides in some effort to reach a heaven. Self-mutilation in a form of worship. It’s all dark and scary stuff. None of it is sanctioned by the Adleists, but they ain’t doing shit to tell people to stop. Even if we didn’t have the added security to handle, I’d be just as nervous about this hub. These people are volatile. We won’t really know what to expect until it’s too late.”

“How are we getting through the East?” Mark asked in a somber tone. He probably knew more stories than they did since he was the East’s neighbor. “The credentials we have are for all gates, so getting in is not the problem. I don’t have a clue what the East is like. I don’t even know the names of the different subsections. Hell, no one even knows the routes farmers take when getting through to drop off harvests. They get attacked. They have to be random in their routes. What are we supposed to do?”

Jack grimaced and looked down at the table. He still didn’t have anyone, Felix could see it in his face. Having someone that knew the East was vital to their mission. They wouldn’t be able to find vantage points or safe houses or escape routes. They didn’t even know the sewer line in the area. And to make things worse, the Adleists hub was on an island separate from the main district itself, connected by a huge, man-made bridge. The man-made bridge was guarded and the island itself was a religious sector, a place of pilgrimage. No pods were allowed overhead except for religious ferries. After blowing the place up, they wouldn’t be able to just leave via pod. They were going to need someone on the inside who could get them beneath— into the smuggling tunnels built into the bridge itself. And Jack didn’t know about those tunnels. But Felix did. And the person who was best to navigate them. 

Felix took in a deep breath and readied himself for backlash before saying, “I know a guy.”

Everyone turned to stare at him, arguably thinking of what had happened the last time Felix had dropped the knowledge bomb on “knowing a guy.” Felix knew a guy for just about every illegal thing you could imagine, if he wanted to admit it. The cross he bore came with turning tricks on the streets. You do bad shit, you get to know bad people.

“He’s safe,” Felix assured them first off. “Known him just about as long as I’ve known myself.” Jack flinched at the weight of the phrase. It meant that he’d known this guy longer than Jack. Which was actually true, but an uncomfortable thought for Felix. He’d always told Jack that Jack was the person he’d known for as long as it mattered, that Jack was who he was, and it was true. Jack had made Felix a person, so Jack was the person Felix knew the longest. But he’d _met_ people before he’d _known_ Jack. 

“He works within the East mainly because it’s easy to get away with really bad shit in that district, but he’s not a villain or anything. He’s a— he’s a hitman.”

“What the fuck, Felix.”

“Hear me out, Jack.”

“Ye’ want us to work with a murderer?”

“He, he’s not just a murderer, but if you wanna see it that way, then yes, please work with a murderer for the sake of this whole war you’ve started.” Jack scowled, but shut up. “He’s good at what he does while also, thankfully, a relatively good person on the side. And he likes me and he likes doing good things, says he builds up karma. He’s a little antagonistic, but he’s mostly all talk. I haven’t contacted him in a while, but I know how to get in touch and I know he’ll help.”

“And just who the fuck is this guy?” Jack demanded though grit teeth. 

Felix paused. The catch was that this person was actually relatively well known. Most people would argue a well-known hitman was actually a shitty one, as good hitmen should be able to get the job done without anyone knowing they’d even been there. Unfortunately, there was another level above that. A hitman so good that he was capable of bragging of his kills and not being caught. Dropping this name wouldn’t go unnoticed. 

“His name is Cry.”

Jack slammed his fist into the table again and literally had to walk away while most of the others just let out these small, horrified gasps. “You know Cry?” Mark asked in awestruck terror. “ _The_ Cry? Bone-Doctor Cry, Scalp-Collector Cry, the dude who literally took out intestines and laid them out in some cursive fuckery of his name. The most demented person in existence and you— you know him?”

“We were kids,” Felix defended weakly. 

“Saying you were kids with the most notorious and sadistic hitman— who I would dare call a _serial killer_ — isn’t a satisfactory explanation,” Amy said. 

“How the fuck does someone like you just know Cry?” Sive asked, hands pulling at his hair. “You’re, like, fucking gentle and shit. Sure, you can be scary, but the white hair, dude! And the glasses! You’re extremely nonthreatening! And then you just waltz up here and say you know fucking Cry?”

“I literally cannot imagine Cry being a safe and good person,” Signe murmured, almost to herself. “I mean, I’ve never met the guy. Why would I? Why would I even want to? But good… I don’t think someone like him can be good.”

“Should we risk it, Jack?” Robin asked, speaking up for the first time this meeting. Maybe even days. His voice was rough around the edges, almost unused. Felix’s eyes darted to Robin, watching him carefully. Once upon a time, Robin had just been another one of those “guys” that Felix happened to know. Felix knew a lot of people, but none of them ever turned out to be any less than Felix claimed they would be. If anyone would argue in Felix’s favor, it would be Robin, even if it was only to simply defend his own character. 

Jack, on the other hand, was across the room, staring at the gray wall, not letting anyone see his face. Felix had known that dropping this particular bombshell would have these sorts of repercussions, and he distantly wished he’d brought it up sooner. Felix could only imagine the awful things Jack was dredging up from the dark parts of his thoughts. Fabricated scenarios of Felix dancing around with a coldblooded killer, maybe even doing some of those evil things himself. Felix almost wanted to defend Cry, but he knew it would be a bad move. 

Then Jack turned on his heel to face everyone again, his expression smoothed over and dead-neutral. “Felix, reach out t’ Cry however ye’ need to. We’re to get into the East within forty-eight hours, so if you think he can work fast enough to help us, then I’m all ears. Have him work with Tyler and Amy about getting the tunnels mapped out if we can. I want everyone fitting those radios in their ears so we don’t worry about them dropping out in the middle of a firefight.” He laid his hands across the table, head bowed as he thought for a moment. Felix was just happy he wasn’t about to be strangled again.

“This is it,” he told them all. “Whatever happens here will lead to the culmination of all of our suffering. We’ll finally know that the Chairwoman is behind this, and we’ll take her down, without prejudice. I don’t know what’s gonna happen after this. I don’t even know if we’ll all make it back. There’s no secret hour that will empty out the place, no special code to keep us all safe. I don’t know what’s going to happen. All I know is that this is it. Whatever happens next is going to change the world the way we know it. And I don’t think any of us are ready for whatever is about to happen.”

Jack stood straight again and motioned between Robin and Felix. “Get Cry. And tell him that if he tries to hurt anyone one of us, I’ll show him the real _evil_ shit that humans are capable of. Big shot serial killer or not, I sure as hell ain't afraid of him.”


	8. Fell Into Your Shoes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooo sorry for the delay on this, had a bunch of family visits, had a wedding to attend, and then a dumbass mental health problem of my own, and the next chapter was just _ugh_ difficult because i don't write action well and i'm sorry my excuses mean nothing sorry sorry sorry hope this isn't too bad enjoy cry

Robin was very little help and a very oppressive presence. Reaching out to Cry was three complicated steps within a maze, a bunch of hurdles to jump that were all on fire. He had a way to contact Cry, an old connection to Cry’s wrist computer that had probably been very dangerous for Cry to give away. After everything had started to come together with Odin’s Chosen and Cry had realized how good he was at killing literally anything, the forces that be had necessitated them to officially part ways. Felix hadn’t been eager, though, and neither had Cry. They weren’t really good friends, but they were constants. To lose a constant was to lose stability. So Cry had given Felix a string of numbers and a promise that he would always carry those numbers with him if Felix ever needed to reach him.

Now Felix was using those numbers for the first time ever, and while he was nervous Cry wouldn’t answer already, he was even more nervous than before because Robin was a breathing nightmare over his shoulder and Felix felt like he had to put on some sort of performance. He didn’t know when or if Cry would answer, but Robin obviously had some very solid expectations. 

“It’s been a few minutes,” Robin said after directing Felix how to feed the number into the correct server and reach the specified wrist computer. Felix had always wished those dumb things had better names. “Maybe he doesn’t care anymore.”

Felix didn’t doubt that, but he wasn’t about to let Robin think he thought so. He grimaced and looked to the green text against the black background, his simple message reading _are you there?_ He knew that if Cry didn’t answer, they’d be back at square one, with no one to guide them through the East. They wouldn’t come back from the final hub, not any of them. Maybe Felix would suggest that they leave some people behind here to finish the mission. Felix would want Jack to stay, probably with Signe, Sive, and Robin. Felix didn’t like signing Ethan, Amy, and Mark up for a suicide mission, but if they didn’t have a guide, they’d have no other choice. 

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell us,” Robin said, sounding very disappointed. “At least me. Maybe not Jack, I can get why you didn’t tell Jack, but me? I could have used this information, Felix.”

“You were a government employee, why would I give you the name of someone who was then a high-crime thief and to become one of the most notorious hitmen in the entire continent?”

“I needed to know this,” Robin defended. “You should have told me. I know you and I haven’t been as close as we were before, back before all of this happened, but this is important. This is something I needed to know.”

Felix sighed and hung his head in his hands. “For fuck’s sake, Robin.”

“Do you regret introducing me to Jack?”

Felix looked to Robin and saw the sharp eye he was being observed with. Robin was like Felix. He watched and collected data and _then_ reacted. He wasn’t as good at reading people as Felix, but he was better at it than the others. Felix paused. “I don’t,” he said. “I just sometimes hate thinking of what he could have become if he hadn’t done any of this.”

“You think he would have been better off without the cause?”

“He says it’s not for revenge anymore. That he wants to just make the world safe.”

Robin nodded. “For Signe, I’m sure.”

Felix swallowed hard and echoed, “for Signe.”

“You could have told me,” Robin insisted almost petulantly. “You can trust me. I used to be someone you went to whenever you needed to know something. I used to be someone you confided in.”

“You and Jack work too closely,” Felix said. “I didn’t want to disrupt you.”  
Robin scowled. “Are you jealous?”

“And you also turned into a giant fucking asshole.”

Robin gave Felix the stink eye. Then there was a ping from the screen and Robin’s eyes went wide. “How can you be sure it’s really him?”

Felix read the message that appeared.

**my beloved has returned**

Felix stared at the words for a moment too long. The weight of the pet name wasn’t lost to him. “It’s him,” he told Robin. “Trust me.”

Robin looked affronted. “I need to tell Jack.”

“You won’t say a word to him.”

“Did you and this guy fuck? Who calls you ‘beloved?’”

“It’s just a thing,” Felix said. “It doesn’t mean anything. Don’t tell Jack.” He sat down in front of the screen. “You can go now. I’ll handle this and let you guys know what we figure out.”

Robin looked like he didn’t want to leave, but he did regardless. Felix pulled at his hair a little, fixed his glasses, then typed out his response. Now that he knew this was Cry and Cry hadn’t abandoned him, he knew Cry would be happy to give him anything he needed. 

_i need your help._

**theres no sweeter sound than that of desperation**

**what do you need of me?**

. . .

“How do you know him?”

Felix had a horrifying sense of déjà vu as he packed a bag in his room and heard Mark come in to ask his question. After relaying the shotty plans for their arrival in the East to a very unhappy Jack, Jack had sent everyone away to get ready, as they’d be leaving immediately. He obviously wanted to get everything over with and probably preferred to be secure in the East for longer than a few hours. Now Felix was packing mechanically and thanking some sort of god that it wasn’t like last time, when he’d forced himself to fit into clothes that burned like acid and nearly ruined the only good thing left in his life.

“How do I know who?” Felix asked Mark just to be a shit head. “I know a lot of people, Mark, much to everyone’s chagrin. If you asked Jack, he’d probably tell you that I know _too many_ people.”

“How does someone like you end up being buddies with a psychopath like Cry?”

Felix sighed and dropped a sweater into his duffel bag. “To be honest,” he began carefully. “I didn’t think _all_ of you would know who he was. You, sure, and Amy. You’re part of the wall, you have to know about threats. Robin, cause he knows all about the systems and shit. Sive, cause Cry’s really the only person who’s a better shot than him. But even Signe knew the guy. And I knew none of you would like him, but I didn’t think you’d all be so scared of him.”

“Felix, he fed a woman the tongue of her husband.”

Felix grimaced. “He went through some shit, okay? He survived a lot.”

“That’s what you said in defense of Jack, but I don’t see Jack murdering people in droves.”

“Cry doesn’t kill anyone that doesn’t deserve it. And Jack’s just as trigger happy.”

Mark gaped. “Are you really comparing _Jack_ to _Cry?_ ”

“It’s not that crazy.” It was crazy. It was horrible, but while Felix was beginning to doubt his worth to Jack yet again, he knew Cry would never turn on him. Cry was hardwired in the weirdest ways. If he told you he’d burn down the world for you, he meant it. “Cry is just as passionate and driven as Jack. And they’re both willing to do whatever it takes to reach their goals. Cry just has a different vision.”

“How do you know him?” Mark asked again.

“I didn’t know Jack until a year after I woke up,” Felix sighed again. “So that was a whole year out on the streets. Cry was like me. Homeless and hopeless, but getting less stares than I did. White hair kid on the streets was dangerous and Cry knew it. He just…” Felix shrugged. “We were friends. But he wasn’t safe for me, I knew that. He was against of getting me mixed up with the wrong people. The drug dealers, the weapon peddlers, the smugglers. And knowing all of these dangerous people made him dangerous for me. He cared more about that than I did, started pulling away. I knew Jack at that point so it wasn’t like I had nothing if he left. Cry just knew that he was heading down a path of life that I couldn’t follow.”

“Why couldn’t you follow?” Mark asked. Felix glanced to him and saw the sharp way he was being watched.

“Well, if you’re thinking it’s cause I felt I morally couldn’t, you should understand that my morals were pretty shaky at that age.” Mainly because he didn’t have memories of being taught any sort of morality. “I couldn’t go because of how I looked.”

Mark frowned. “Because you’re, what? Pretty?”

Felix also frowned. “Do they just not have Exotics in the North?”

“Not especially,” Mark sighed. “I don’t get how it works to be honest. You’ve got white hair and suddenly you’re something to be own?”

Felix shook his head. “Light hair, light eyes, that’s it. It mostly comes from that fact that it’s a very rare combination and rare things are to be coveted. That, and it’s nice to look at. White hair is… Odd.”

“But you have it.”

Felix nodded. “Genetics, I suppose. Trauma white it was people call it. It’s not like people born looking like that are just meant to be owned, but they’re desired and seen as a sort of luxury. Just think of it as a high class prostitute with their pickings of who they take on as a customer. But an unmarked Exotic means they’re open season.”

“And you’re unmarked.”

Felix hesitated. “Sort of.”

Mark’s frowned deepened. “Did you do something?”

“You can’t tell Jack.” Felix lifted up the sleeve of his sweater to show Mark the two names and the date. “It’s in case I lose my memory again,” he explained. “These are three fundamental things about me. I wanted to make sure I would know these things even if I lost it all. And, inadvertently, I marked myself. To the law of the illegal world, I’m officially owned by someone.”

“Who’s Seán?” Mark asked, eyes wide as he looked at the sequence of names and the date. “You’d let this Seán own you?”

Felix’s cheeks flushed. He’d let himself be owned by that man in a heartbeat. “Absolutely.”

“I thought you were in love with Jack.”

“It’s complicated.”

Mark grimaced. “And you did this, so, what? If anyone ever tried to take you for their own, you’d show them this and they’d back off? Couldn’t someone easily remove that? It just seems like the law of an illegal world isn’t that secure.”

“I-it’s the best I can do,” Felix said, faltering. “I hate it, Mark. Having people think I’m something they can purchase and keep. This is all I can do to try and keep that from happening. Most of you would defend me, and Jack would probably kill anyone that actually tried to take me, but I won’t always have all of you. I could very well end up alone one day. I just want to do what I can to defend myself from those people.”

Mark looked weary and took Felix’s wrist gently. Felix flinched at the touch, but held fast. Mark’s hands were wide, the skin appearing dark next to the paleness of Felix’s own complexion. His fingers could easily circle the delicate bone of Felix’s wrist and snap it in half. Felix’s fingers were still, damningly, numb. “I think you’re afraid of me telling Jack about this because you’re worried he’ll be jealous of Seán.” Mark couldn’t be further from the truth. “I won’t say a word, but you can’t hide this forever. Maybe it’s better you tell him on your own terms.”

Mark was probably right. A lot of Felix’s past problems could have been solved if he’d just fucking told Jack beforehand. Maybe even just left a note. He should have just told Jack his intentions and reasons behind it. It would have saved them both a lot of grief. But—

“Now’s not the time,” Felix said. He knew what Mark didn’t. Jack wouldn’t be jealous of the name Seán. He’d see right through Felix. He’d figured him out. They didn’t have time to deal with whatever backlash could come from that. “We’ve got shit to do. I don’t want to distract him.” He couldn’t imagine how Jack would react if he saw Felix’s wrist.

Mark sighed heavily. “Look, uhm. Amy and I…”

Felix nodded and sent him the tiniest smile. The gesture felt foreign on his face. “I’m happy for you. It’s nice that something good came out of the bad.”

Mark smiled back, almost bashful. “I didn’t think it would ever happen.”

“I’m glad it did,” Felix told him sincerely.

“It could happen to you too.”

Felix’s expression shuttered closed. He turned back to his bag and continued packing, wondering if he should pack something extra in case he got bloody. 

“I mean it,” Mark insisted gently. “It’s not hopeless.”

“There’s a legitimate betting pool on how long it takes Jack to end up with Signe,” Felix mumbled. “There’s not— there’s no hope there, Mark. I need to start thinking about what I’m going to do once this is all over, because Jack won’t need me then. He’ll be with her. I need to figure out what to do with myself.”

Mark sighed again. “Look, Felix. I don’t think he can just forget about you.”

“I do.” Felix turned to Mark after closing the duffel bag. He crossed his arms over his chest. “Did you want to know anything else?”

Mark paused. Then he shook his head. “I’m nervous about Cry. But you’ve never steered us wrong before.” That was a horrible fucking lie. “I don’t want him around Amy.”

“You don’t need to worry about that,” Felix said. “As I told all of you, Cry’s got a good sense of right and wrong, deep down. He won’t try to push anything on anyone and he won’t hurt any of you as long as you don’t try to hurt him first.” Cry was chaos, but in a good way. “And if he does? I’ll stop him.”

Mark shook his head. “It just seems so risky.”

“Nothing has ever been gained without sacrifice.” Felix slung his bag over his shoulder and turned to Mark. He didn’t look very good. There was a pinch to his brow and a sunken-ness to the orbitals of his eyes. He was reminded that Mark was the newest to the cause and hadn’t even joined for his sense of right. He’d only joined to be with the girl. Felix felt sorry for the stress he was under. He put an arm on Mark’s shoulder to comfort and asked, “did you know the first image of the entire solar system was taken by the United States in 1990?”

Mark’s brow furrowed. “We had pictures of what?”

Felix led him from the room, telling Mark the story as they went upstairs to meet the others. 

. . .

“I’ve never been through a gate unrecognized,” Mark said as Jack was the last to cross through the metal detector with a surly glare at the guard who had waved them through with less than any shits. He hadn’t even checked their credentials, just rushed them all along and ensured they had no weapons. Jack had seemed offended by the negligence. “Part of me even wonders if these are the actual guards. They could have been killed and replaced, right?”

“I doubt the East is _that_ fucking rampant,” Sive snorted, though his eyes darted around with paranoia that proclaimed otherwise. 

Jack came up behind their group, grabbing Felix by the elbow as he went to the front and pulled Felix along. When Felix sent him a look of confusion, Jack scowled and explained. “We’re about to meet up with a notorious, bloodthirsty criminal that only knows you. I want yours to be the first face he sees.” Felix fought the urge to roll his eyes. He still didn’t actually understand why everyone was so scared of Cry. No one had ever really gotten a good look at Cry’s face, thanks to the signature white, feature-less mask he wore whenever he was doing something even slightly questionable. Once Jack saw Cry’s face, he’d be a lot less worried, so long as nothing had changed.

They reached one of the many doors that unlocked into the East District. Felix took note of the heavy locks themselves and the cameras trained on all the exits. He also noticed a severe lack of windows. He remembered learning about this old movie, _Escape from New York,_ where an entire city had been turned into a prison for the criminally dangerous and insane. He felt like the East was turning out to be a pretty close rendition of science fiction. 

The doors swung open, revealing themselves to be at least ten inches thick and made entirely of metal. The doors also swung outwards, into the city. Beside him, Jack broke his statement and put himself between Felix and the East, however minutely, a shoulder in front of Felix’s chest, a hand straying down for the LAR he didn’t have. There were people milling about outside, people Felix assumed to be petty thieves and pickpockets, but they were all eyeing Felix and the other’s nervously while giving a wide berth to one person standing about ten meters away from the doors. Felix looked to this person and knew he’d been right. Cry hadn’t changed one bit.

Skinny from adolescent malnutrition, tall from genetics, one permanently dilated pupil, complete heterochromia, and an jagged scar stretching from his hairline, down his neck, and into the light, cotton shirt he was wearing. It tore through his brow, cut through his nose, split his lip, sunk his collar bone inwards. Felix had been there when it had happened. He’d been the one to press his own clothes into the gory wound, trying to stop the bleeding. Enforcers had torn Cry from under Felix’s hands, kept him for two weeks, and then returned him in well-enough shape with a gruff order to stay out of trouble. Cry had hated the scar while Felix had thought it made him look dangerous. Now Cry was making the scar look more like an accessory. 

The way Cry smiled with the scar with eerie in a way that actually made Jack react visibly. The scar had killed the muscles it stretched over, leaving parts of Cry’s facial expressions deadened. He looked like a broken marionette from some nightmare. But Felix was very much used to the smile and strode past Jack, forward, showing Cry that while everyone else was pretty fucking terrified of him for one reason or another, he was still just Cry to Felix. 

The smile became delighted. Cry came forward to meet Felix halfway, a hand instantly going up into Felix’s hair. “It somehow got whiter,” Cry almost purred, his uniquely low voice ringing in Felix’s ear in a way that was almost comforting. “And you’ve glasses, now. Broken to all hell, though. I can get you a better pair.”

“Good to see you too, Cry,” Felix said, letting Cry run his fingers through Felix’s hair with fascination. Cry had always marveled over his hair and eyes, saying they were otherworldly in comparison to Cry’s own brown and green eyes and dark hair. Felix was sure Cry had seen his fair share of poor souls that looked like Felix at this point, but he wasn’t surprised Cry was still a little obsessed. “Did you get what I asked for?”

“Now when have I ever let you down?” Cry murmured, staring above Felix’s line of sight. “You’ve brought friends, Felix, so many god damn friends. I’m surprised you’re comfortable around so many people.” Cry’s eyes darted down, looking over Felix’s shoulder. “Oh. And him.”

“Get yer fuckin’ hands off him,” Jack growled, a heavy presence behind Felix. 

“It’s fine, _Jack_ ,” Felix said, emphasizing the name for Cry’s benefit. Cry’s working brow shot up, obviously surprised by the name. He made an expression of appreciation and nodded slowly, categorizing and reworking the information. Since Felix had been the one to call Jack by the name, Cry would respect the name in itself. 

“Enigmatic leader,” Cry said, side-stepping Felix to face Jack, pulling his hands out of Felix’s hair at the last possible moment. Cry bowed low at the waist, making a show of showing Jack his back. To Jack, it would be a sign of surrender. To Felix, it was a challenge. Cry was as brazen and fearless as ever. “When I heard Felix needed my help, I was already eager to lend a hand, but then I heard it would be in aid of you? Well. Let’s just say that I bent over backwards.”

Jack did not trust Cry. Felix wasn’t sure if it was because of Cry’s general theatrics, or the way he’d been touching Felix, but it didn’t matter. Cry had gotten what Felix needed and their mission would be a go. “Can you take us to wherever you’ve decided we can be?” Felix asked, wanting Cry and Jack on track and not fighting over whatever petty bullshit they had. Two passionate alpha males in one room was probably a huge mistake. 

“I’ll lead the way,” Cry hummed, giving Felix this warm, kind smile, his eyes softening, his shoulders relaxing, his body language subtly and purposefully stating that he meant something to Felix and knew it and he wanted Jack to know. 

Abruptly, Felix realized he’d just made a huge mistake in involving Cry. Cry loved playing with people, toying with them, and he’d just chosen Jack as his next target.

“For fuck’s sake,” Felix whispered to himself with this realization. He was fucked. Even if he was beginning to grasp where he stood in Jack’s priorities, he also knew Jack would not let Cry flaunt any sort of superiority. This was going to be a nightmare. Felix dragged his hands down his face as they walked. 

“What can ye’ tell us about the East?” Jack demanded, lengthening his stride to meet and match Cry’s, putting himself at the head of the group beside the hitman. Cry raised a brow, somehow amused by Jack.

“Where’s the accent from?” he asked. “That’s so weird. Most accents have deteriorated here.”

“That ain’t your business.”Cry shrugged. “Maybe it is. You could have some sort of, like, inner working connections that manifested in being around people with the same accent as yours, resulting in you keeping the accent instead of assimilating. Or are you, like, prejudice? A racist? There aren’t many of those left these days.”

Jack scowled. “Tell us about the east.”

Cry laughed, actually threw his head back and laughed into the carbon sky. Ethan’s eyes went comically wide, and everyone else was watching Cry like they were waiting for him to strike. They probably saw him as some loose-canon sociopath. “I’ll tell you, I’ll tell you, _god,_ ” Cry drawled, rolling his eyes. “Just so you know, you’ll find us a lot more technologically advanced than your puny districts. We’ve got blood money from Central.”

“Central works with you guys?” Sive asked, feeling brave in his home-town loyalty. But when Cry looked back at him and fixed him with a piercing, bone-chilling stare, Sive practically wilted. “Sorry.”

“Do I know you?” Cry asked. That made Sive jump. “I do,” Cry murmured. “I have a hit on you.” Sive somehow paled. Cry laughed again, though much more subdued, low in his throat. The scar on his face twisted with a manic smile. 

“You don’t touch him,” Jack growled.

“I wouldn’t do that to Felix,” Cry said. “I just find it funny. Out of all of the rebellion to have a target on their head, it’s the sharpshooter, and—” He looked to Amy. “The missing daughter of the disavowed gate general. Skip your mental execution date, sweetie?”

Mark unsubtly sidestepped to stand between Cry and Amy as they kept moving. Cry laughed a third time. He’d officially put himself at the top of their little food chain. He pointed ahead, to an old, metal archway that had stairs beneath leading into the ground. “A long, long time ago,” Cry said. “Before humans killed the world, they had these cool things called subways. Much like the Central sky-tracks, these automated machines travelled at high speeds underground. And, with blood and drug money courtesy of the generous and philanthropic people of Central, many of the old trams in the East work. If you want a real history lesson for the sub system, I’m sure Felix has plenty of stories for you.”

Felix grimaced. He did have plenty of stories, most of them concerning accidents and collapses that resulted in the deaths of hundreds over time. He was sure the others wouldn’t appreciate such prophetic stories when they were, apparently, about to go on a subway themselves. Cry led them into the tunnel that was surprisingly absent of the broken people that had been wandering the streets above. The acid rain that had been falling reverberated as it hit the ground above their heads. “This is also how farmers get into their territories,” Cry informed them. “And are not actually meant for public use.”

“Then what the fuck are we doing?” Jack demanded.

“Hijacking a fucking sub, what do you think?” Cry laughed at Jack’s expression, the sound echoing. “It’s fine, it’s fine! I’ve a special pass, you know? And my own little spot, at the head of the space craft.”

“Space craft?” Mark repeated, likely remembering what Felix had taught him earlier. “I thought we were going underground, not into space.” 

“Wait, space is real?” Signe asked.

“Jesus christ, it’s like all of you just ignore Felix.” Cry shook his head, acting disappointed. “How cruel. I would never ignore you, Felix.”

“Please just get us on the train.” Felix didn’t want a fight to start before they were even in the safe house. Cry kept shaking his head, looking to the others like he was to admonish them. He was playing a part, like a god damn serial killer that knew how to blend in. “Cry?” 

At his prodding, Cry hit a button, and a door at the bottom of the steps lifted. The room it led into look just like Felix’s textbook memories. Stone and concrete, arched walls, with a level floor, and a drop off to a secondary, lower floor to the left that had tracks and had a dark tunnel on either side. There was text on the wall that Felix recognized as Russian. Everything was grimy and rusted and Felix felt claustrophobic with being in such an open space underground. 

There was a slight shake, like a small earthquake, and dirt fell from the ceiling onto the heads. Ethan shrieked. Robin darted back up the stairs out of the room, ready to flee. Cry laughed at all of them, hit another button, and a long metal craft suddenly zoomed from the dark tunnel on the lower floor. The craft swayed a little, and cables were attached to it and disappearing into the city, but it looked just like the pictures Felix remembered. Cry pulled open a set of doors that swung over with his help and gestured into the dark craft. “After you,” he said.

Felix stepped into the sub craft first, remembering it was called a train in its own way. Going in first was his way of showing the others that he knew it was safe. He was seen as some sort of expert among the others when it came to the old world. Felix had no idea if this was actually safe, but they thought he did, so they all followed. 

Cry and Jack were the last two inside. They stood outside for a long time, eyeing one another, Cry daring him to submit and let Cry walk behind him, see his back. Felix really regretted this. Jack stared at Cry a long time, then did something with his hand out of Felix’s sight that had Cry grinning like a madman. Jack ducked into the train and Cry followed him. “Everyone sit down,” Cry told them, heading to some metal box at the front of the train cabin. The train itself had plastic seats along the edges and metal bar held atop for people to hold onto. There were glass doors separating each cabin. “These things go pretty quickly. They go as fast as— bullet trains, right, Felix? That’s what they were called? In that Japan place.”

“Now you’re just showing off,” Felix griped. Most people Felix talked about the random shit with had favorites. Brad had loved birds, Jack loved poetry, Allison had loved fairy tales, Mark was now obsessed with space, and Cry had loved moving technology. Cars, trains, planes, anything autonomous that got people places quickly. Cry had gone off and done some tiny bits of research on his own outside of Felix. He probably knew more than Felix did at this point.

Cry gave him a shit eating grin, waved for everyone to sit, and then opened the metal box and flicked a few switches that glowed green when he did. “Everything’s hooked up to electricity running above us,” he told them. “Magnets and shit, all cool stuff. Central funded getting all of this together to help fund the illegal activities they want to promote while under the guise of making transportation for food and farmers more efficient.”

“So it’s all just a bunch of sordid stuff?” Robin asked, looking around the train with curiosity as it started to creep forward. “How do you have a key?”

Cry just raised a brow at Robin, daring him to actually think about it. Robin grimaced. “Oh.” The train started to pick up speed and Felix took a seat, everyone else following suit. The only people to remain standing were Cry and Jack. They held onto bars and watched one another sharply, even as the train started to reach speeds Felix had thought only a pod was capable of. The train rattled loudly and he held on tight to his seat, horrible stories coming to the forefront of his mind. Collapsed ceilings, colliding trams, electrical fires, countless dead. 

“The train can reach up to two hundred miles an hour with relatively safety!” Cry told them with a wide smile. “A lot of these tracks were lengthened and modified to make straight lines, allowing faster speeds to direct destinations! We’ll reach your place in about two hours!” He smirked at Jack. “Get comfy.”

Jack didn’t sit down once for the whole trip. He didn’t even lose balance. For someone who had definitely never been on a machine like this, one with a lot of give and sway, Jack was standing solidly the whole time. Felix would have been impressed if he wasn’t so pissed off by the dick measuring contest in front of him. Cry would inch his lackadaisical stance towards different people in their seats, watching Jack, measuring which person got him the best reaction. Felix wasn’t sure how long he was going to be able to take this. 

The safe house ended up being a little more true to the name than Felix had expected. “Right across from the Exodus,” Cry told him with a proud smile. “It’s got a better vantage point than the guard towers, while also being situated right underneath the drug tunnels.”

“Is that really what they’re called?” Robin asked, unimpressed.

Cry shrugged and picked at his nails as everyone else took a moment to take in the safe house. It was on top of a larger living quarters building that was five stories, concrete like everything else, but three stories tall on it’s own, like a building had just been dropped on top of another. “Not exactly inconspicuous,” Sive observed.

“Well, it’s mine,” Cry replied with a shrug. “One of many. No one fucks with it. Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“Thank you, Cry,” Felix said, just to be the mediator in this whole shit fest. “How long should it take to cross the bridge?”

“It’s, like, three miles long,” Cry said, scrunching his nose in disdain. “I prefer the tunnels even for pleasure. They’ve got these trolleys, like old mine shafts. Meant for carrying drugs and used goods, but they’re just as fun for the living as well.”

Felix shut his eyes and breathed slowly through his nose as he heard a range of reactions just behind. Cry was egging them on, but he was probably also a little serious. Felix had nothing he could say. “Show us inside?” he asked. Cry smiled happily at Felix and led them up the five stories onto the roof, then into the three-story building atop. Felix chanced a glance to the right and saw the Exodus bridge, stretching for those horrifying three miles into nothing. The walls of the continent itself hid anything outside from view. It was just a long, long bridge, closed in by towering concrete. He looked to the tops of the walls and wondered if people were stationed atop them with some sort of LAR-LR, ready to take out enemies and bystanders alike with extreme prejudice. 

“Spooky, isn’t it?” Cry asked, suddenly beside Felix, their shoulders pressed together. “I’ve always looked out at that bridge and wondered if it was meant to impose fear on the religious pilgrims. Get them ready for their formidable god.” Cry smirked a little. Felix had always wondered if smiling tugged at the scar in a way that hurt. “I’m sure it’s all for the feel of it, you know? Nothing like a little fear to make a believer out of you.”

“I never liked the ideas of the Adleists,” Felix admitted in a soft murmur. “They’re so… hypocritical. Their actions speak louder than their words, but they claim their words mean everything and should be taken as truth above all.” Jack had said it, long ago, back when they’d taken down the first building and this whole mess had been set into motion. That first building had been a test-run for their explosives. Seeing how much was needed to take down the roof. “All of these fuckers,” Felix quoted. “Selling their souls to a scapegoat.” 

Cry nodded appreciatively. “That’s a good way to put it.”

“It is.” Felix glanced to Cry. “You’re not to come with us. You know that, right? This isn’t your fight, it’s mine. Theirs. Not yours.”

Cry smirked even wider. “Are you worried I don’t think your precious _Jack_ can protect you?”

“I can protect myself,” Felix lied. “I don’t want you in this.”

“Fine by me.” Cry sighed heavily. “Hey— you got a smoke?”

Felix distantly thought of the pack he had in his back pocket, containing two final cigarettes. He narrowed his eyes at Cry, knowing he was observant enough to have seen the package outline already and surmised what it was. Cry was going to get that smoke and then toss it into the streets. “Fuck off, Cry.”

“Smoking kills, Felix.”

“You sound just like him.”

“Just like who?” Cry’s smirk became a leer. “Your all-knowing leader? Savior of your soul? You preach against god a moment ago without realizing your own hypocrisy. You’re killing people with this schtick, Felix, all in the name of your loyal scapegoat. Don’t think you’re a step above these people. If anything, you’re beneath them, because you’re too scared to stand for your lies in the light.” Cry gave Felix a cheerful pat on the shoulder. “The view doesn’t age well. Let’s get you guys inside and set up.”

As Felix turned to follow Cry, Jack caught his eye, standing out of earshot, and Jack sent him this look that asked if if he needed to break a neck. Felix was tilted from the truth in Cry’s words, but he was more shaken by the near-possessiveness he saw in Jack’s eyes and couldn’t actually understand.

. . .

“I don’t trust him,” Mark told Felix in a hushed voice from where he was bent over a very nice, wooden table with Felix, whittling his radio piece to better fit in his ear. “I know you said he’s your friend, but I— He touches you too much.”

Felix frowned. “I don’t let people touch me in general. Wouldn’t you think someone I let touch me be someone I trust more?”

Mark shook his head. “You don’t invite the touch, he just takes it. It makes me feel like you’re scared to deny him.”

Felix paused in his own molding of the clay around the fragile equipment and scrutinized Mark. “… Do the others feel the same?”

“We’re all worried,” Mark admitted. “Because Jack looks ready to kill him whenever he stands to close to anyone.”

“Not sure why he’s acting like this,” Felix grumbled. “Signe’s perfectly safe and Cry would never hurt me.”

“You’re the only person confident in that statement.”

_“Oh, I’m pretty confident myself.”_

Mark jumped in his seat on the floor at the sound of Cry’s voice. His eyes went wide towards Felix, a silent plea for help. Felix stood and quickly readied himself to defend Mark when Cry decided he had more to say. “In fact, I’m more confident I’m safer for Felix than your perfect little _Jack._ ”

All eyes went to Cry, because to most of them, that probably made sense. Even Signe looked a little guilty when her eyes darted between Jack and Cry. 

“You know, Felix,” Cry said, his voice a pleased rumbling from his chest. “That bruise around your neck. Tell me if I’m wrong, but the size is just about the same as _Jack’s_ palm.” Of fucking course Cry would be able to notice such a fucking minute and useless detail. Even though it could be anyone else, Cry knew Felix well enough to know there was only one person he’d ever let get that close. Jack visibly bristled at the accusation. “Where’d you get that, Felix?” 

Felix narrowed his eyes at the other man. “Can you just not act like a sociopath for at least one day please? We’re all a little nervous about blowing up a major religious building in the next couple of hours.”

Cry let out a low whistle. “So it was him.”

“It was my fault,” Felix told him firmly.

“You should leave,” Cry said. “When you’re done with his crusade.”

“Felix ain’t going anywhere,” Jack snapped.

“And I wasn’t talking to you.” Cry had Felix fixed under his piercing gaze, the mismatched colors making the hair on the back of Felix’s neck stand. For the first time in his life, Cry seemed something like a threat. “C’mon, what use does he have for you once it’s over? Yeah, you’re good for something now, but once the fighting is done? Once there’s nothing else to come together for? You’ll be useless. Just come stay with me, Felix.”

Felix swallowed hard, the idea making a good amount of sense, but not enough for him to consider yet. “Just let me work, Cry.”

“If you don’t, I’ll make you,” Cry said. “Look at you. You’re like something out of a naughty dream. If you don’t come to me after you’re done with this pointless fight, I’ll find you myself and put my name on you so you can’t go anywhere else, whether you like it or not. And I’ll use a knife.”

There was a click, and then the whir of a LAR being charged. Felix was so rattled by what Cry had said that he wasn’t even surprised to see the muzzle of the weapon against Cry’s head being held in Jack’s hand. 

“I’ll kill ye’ for saying that.”

“I’m not really afraid of you,” Cry replied, unfazed. 

“You will be.”

“What’s to stop me from taking him? It’s not like he can legally say no. They’re all property to be claimed and owned, his protests won’t mean a damn thing. I can take him if I want and keep him far away from you. Lock him away in the tallest tower, keep him safe and isolated. I can make him mine no matter what he says.”

Jack’s expression flickered, a thought coming across his mind. Then, “he’s mine. I own him.”

Sive sat up. “Wait, what?!” Mark looked to Felix with wide, alarmed eyes. He knew something Jack didn’t know.

Felix’s breath caught, suddenly painfully aware of the name on his wrist. Jack didn’t even know how true his statement was, but he was willing to make such a bold, inhumane claim just to keep Cry from making good on his threat.

“My name is on him,” Jack lied, barreling on. “Ye’ really think he’d stay with someone who leaves bruises like that on him if he had the choice? You know Felix as well as I, which means you know he ain’t fuckin’ stupid. I already own him. Ye’ can’t take him.”

“I don’t see a name,” Cry challenged.

Jack smiled tightly, the expression not meeting his eyes. “Let’s just say we put it somewhere a little more private.”

Cry searched Jack with his gaze, looking for a lie. Thing was, Jack was a good liar to anyone else looking. A slow, cruel smile came over Cry, almost bone-chilling. “I suppose I can’t cut off said limb, then. Too bad. There’s nothing I hate more than a master that tries to break their toys.”

“He ain’t a fuckin’ toy,” Jack growled. “And that’s why shit-heads like you can’t own Exotics. They ain’t fuckin’ things, they’re people. Felix is a fucking person. Doesn’t that get through your head?”

“You putting your name on him tells me you think he’s just as plastic.”

Jack shoved the LAR even harder into Cry’s skull, his expression deadly. “He’s mine,” he ground out. Felix’s heart raced at how easily Jack told the lie. “Ye’ don’t touch what’s mine. Got it?”

Cry gave a gracious nod. “Loud and clear.”

“Good.” Jack tucked the LAR away into the back of his pants. “Now get the fuck outta here. I’ve got to talk to my team and I ain’t riskin’ you learning anything ye’ shouldn’t.”

“But it’s my home,” Cry simpered.

“Cry, please,” Felix choked out, a little startled at how strangled his tone was. 

Cry cut his eyes down to Felix, then let out a sigh. “Such a well-trained pet.” Felix flinched and looked at the floor. He heard Cry leave, the door falling shut gently as he presumably went to one of the upper levels, up to where Robin and Ethan were setting up whatever equipment they needed for the ear pieces. The silence that pervaded the room was Cry was gone with palpable. Felix’s hands were shaking.

“You own Felix?”

Signe’s small, tentative voice was like a gunshot. Felix scrambled to his feet and paced to the huge window that faced the bridge. Then he turned back around and went to the door, then to the steel kitchen that was near the door, and then back to the window, pulling at his hair the whole time. 

“Felix, sit down,” Jack ordered, sounding weary. 

“He could put his name on me and I wouldn’t be able to stop him,” Felix choked out, terrified at the thought. “Fucking christ, Jack, he could just take me by the fucking neck and put his name on me and no one would do anything. I could scream and cry and beg and no one would stop him.”

“I’d tear his throat out before he ever managed it,” Jack promised. _“Sit. Down.”_

Felix dropped to the floor without a thought, the words “well trained pet” ringing in his ears.

“Do you own Felix?” Sive asked, his tone much angrier than Signe’s. “Because if you fucking do, man—”

“I don’t own shit,” Jack snapped. “But I wasn’t about to let that fuckin’ asshole think he had a chance. Fucking hell, Felix, why do you know such awful people?” Felix looked up at Jack with owlish eyes, and Jack’s expression immediately softened. “He ain’t gonna touch ye’.” Then he looked to the others. “None of ye’, you hear me? Do not be alone with him. Something tells me he ain’t the person Felix thought him t’ be. Not anymore.”

“I can’t believe you fucking told him you own—”

“I didn’t mind,” Felix interrupted sharply, pulling at his hair again. When all eyes turned to him, he shuddered out a breath. “I didn’t. I’d rather be owned by Jack than Cry. It, it’s fine. I don’t mind that he said it. He did what he had to do.”

“I fucking hate this guy,” Amy said, arms over her chest. “Like, really. Talking about masters and their toys.” She grimaced, scrunching her nose. “Evil stuff.”

“He’s gonna tell people now,” Sive said. “He’s gonna go around saying Jack owns Felix. That ain’t good for your image.”

“I don’t give a shit,” Jack said. “He can’t legally take what’s already… already own.” His expression twisted and he shook his head. “God, I hate fuckin’ saying that.”

“Should we write it on him?” Signe asked. “Just in case.”

 _“No,”_ Jack snarled, eyes suddenly alight with fury. Felix flinched again. His heart couldn’t take this shit. “Felix ain’t gonna have a fuckin’ name on him for the rest of his life. I ain’t going any further than I’ve gone.” Jack paused. “Felix— you’re not a toy. You’re not an object. You’re not a pet. Got it?”

Felix shuddered. “Yes sir.”

“I fuckin’ _hate_ when ye’ call me that.”

“Yes, Jack.”

Jack nodded. “Good. And guys?” He looked around, making sure he had their attention. “I don’t own Felix and I never fuckin’ will own him or any sort of person. And neither should any of you. I don’t know how much ye’ve all seen of this side of our world, but it’s ugly and violent and Cry’s a pretty keen example. Exotics can’t protest who they’re sold to. They can have some selection depending on their status, but it’s the highest bidder in the end, and they’re nothing after that. They can be knocked around, beaten, raped. Even fuckin’ murdered. Their masters can kill them for the pleasure of it and it’s fuckin’ legal. Don’t ever fall into that trap.”

“Wasn’t planning on it,” Sive grumbled. Felix felt dizzy

Mark watched Felix sharply and then told Jack, “he needs to calm down.”

“What?”

“Felix. Felix needs to calm down.” Felix watched Mark point at him with a lazy sort of awareness. “He had a head injury, right? Stress could really mess him up.”

“I’m fine,” Felix said. “Heart rate is just a little too much.” Felix hung his head. “Jesus. I don’t think I’ve ever been that freaked out.” 

“He ain’t touchin’ ye’,” Jack promised again. “He told us we can sleep in that room just off of here, yeah? Go get some rest. In fact, Signe? Mark. I want ye’ both getting some shuteye too. After two hours, you’ll switch with Sive, Amy and I. I want us in shifts around this fucker.”

Mark stood and took Felix by the underneath of his arm. “I could sleep,” he said simply.

“Felix, really fuckin’ rest,” Jack told him firmly. “We’ll keep an eye out.” Sive held up his LAR-LR to prove the point. “Tomorrow we’re making history,” he said. “We need to be ready.”

Felix just let Mark pull him into the next room— a room with couches and chairs circled around a table as high as Felix’s knees that looked like it was meant for meetings— and tried to forget the way his heart had tightened at hearing Jack call Felix "his."


	9. Jars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> huge thanks to [writeasoph](https://archiveofourown.org/users/writeasoph) for editing this because this is the chapter that had me _struggling_ and the idea of editing it was just too daunting to overcome XD

Jack was having them walk the bridge, despite Cry’s statement of wanting to take the tunnels because Jack wanted to get a feeling of the population they were to expect and take stock of any problems that could exist, like Enforcers and emergency services and possible hitches that could present themselves as well as any exterior alarms they would have to worry for. Felix understood Jack’s desire in making sure they took in every possible variable, but he wished they had taken the tunnels. Taking the bridge meant Cry was accompanying them.

“They wouldn’t let you in otherwise,” Cry had said. “You’re not believers. Why would they allow you access to the holy city?”

“Why would they let you?” Sive had parried. The smile Cry had sent him had shut him up and been answer enough. If the East was really Central’s bitch, and the Adleists were much more corrupt than ever expected, it would make sense Cry would be an exemption to the religious rules.

Now, Cry was walking ahead, his gait relaxed and confident. The towering walls did nothing to damper his swagger, despite his admission of the foreboding the walls would give him yesterday. 

Felix watched Cry’s back. He’d slept horribly. He’d rubbed his wrist raw with how often he’d pulled and pressed into the skin, needing to remind himself of Seán’s name on him. The worst part about where he’d put the name meant that Cry could make good on a promise and take off the limb. It wasn’t like there weren’t prosthetics that, while expensive, Cry could easily get his hands on. Or he could just leave Felix with the amputation so he would never forget what he’d lost. 

Felix had thought Cry was his friend. Or something close. He’d thought Cry cared about him, just a little, like Felix cared for Cry. He’d thought that, even though they’d been separated for so long, they’d fall back into the peace of their symbiotic relationship, where they’d just keep an eye out for one another. 

Instead, Cry had threatened to cut Jack’s name from Felix’s skin and replace it with his own. He saw Felix as something to be owned, and he saw Felix as something he could hurt. Felix shuddered. His steady gate wavered as the fear clutched at his heart again. _Such a well-trained pet._ He wondered if his sister would be treated as he was now if she was still alive. Even though he’d never known her and always wished his family— whoever they were— to be alive, he was almost happy she wasn’t so she wouldn’t have to face the cruelty of this world they lived in now. At least she was safe from monsters in death.

But Felix wasn’t. Jack had shown that he didn’t want to keep up the lie. If Cry— knowing the name— saw Felix’s wrist and saw that it was a limb he could easily take, he’d do it. And then Cry would carve in his name and— the blood and the pain— and Felix wouldn’t be his own—

An arm at his elbow made Felix recenter and hold his breath. The world swam dangerously in front of him. He realized he’d nearly thought himself into a panic attack. Felix looked down to who was touching him and was surprised to see Signe. She looked up at him, expression twisted with concern. “You were swaying,” she told him, her voice low. Felix glanced around and saw everyone was smartly looking away from them— except for Jack. Jack was watching Felix keenly. “Do you need to sit down?” Signe asked him.

“I’m fine,” Felix said, pushing past the fogginess in his head and his hammering heart. “We need to focus. I’ll pull it together.” He hated that he had become such a fucking burden. His lips loose from the panic, and, “Jack probably should have left me behind.”

Signe frowned. “Why do you say that?”

Signe fancied herself a psychologist. She probably thought she could help. Felix normally wouldn’t give in to her prodding, but Felix thought like someone else needed to understand how Felix felt. Even if he’d told Jack, he wanted someone else to know that Felix knew he shouldn’t be out here, in case anything went wrong at the fault of his own.

“My head’s pretty broken,” Felix told her. “And then with what Cry said. Well, I’m feeling pretty shaky. I doubt I’ll be much help.”

Signe grimaced and shook her head, her hand still on Felix’s elbow. “What he said was— that would shake anyone. It shook me. I-I’m not even supposed to be out here, you know? I’m just a medic, I don’t know anything about any of this, but Jack wants me here because he knows that the skills I have will be a good thing to have, even if I’m a terrible shot and probably the worst person to bring along. I don’t even know how to hold a LAR, you know?” She smiled like she was trying to comfort him. “I’m an easy target, but Jack will make me a priority. I think it’s the same for you. Yes, you’re not at your best right now, but you still know how to put the missions first and…” 

She sighed. “Well, I hate to say it, but you help Jack keep his focus. And you keep him from pulling the trigger with abandon. You’re good for him when it comes to life and death. He needs you here to make sure he doesn’t do anything he’ll regret. And with the fight we’re trying to win, an attempt to end the death, it’s best to have you around him to keep him from being labeled a terrorist that kills at will. You keep him from becoming Cry.”

Felix looked to her for a moment. “How hard was that for you to admit?”

“Pretty hard,” she huffed. “But Jack will not turn out like the Chairwoman, and I have to admit, you help with my cause a little bit. I know that I can’t turn his aim in a firefight. But you can. And, you know…” She shrugged. “I mean, not to be a bitch, but it’s better to risk him hating you than me.”

Felix almost laughed. He raised a brow at the girl, a little baffled by her gusto. “That’s a fuckin’ statement.”

She smiled again. “I’m starting to catch on to your preference of honesty.”

Felix looked ahead. Then he lowered his voice even more, grateful for the crowds they were walking through that would disguise their conversation. “I know I’ll never have him,” he almost whispered. “All I want to know is that you’ll take care of him. When all of this is done, you’ll give him the peace that he needs.”

Signe nodded, her expression resolute. “I’ll take good care of him, Felix.”

Felix did smile then. A tiny thing, letting his lips quirk, though he knew his eyes were still a little sad. He directed it to her, to keep his intentions clear. “Thank you.” Then he pulled his arm away a little. “Go back to Jack and tell him I’m fine. And then advise him we need to double check the mics from this distance.”

Signe nodded, giving Felix one last look, looking for any sign of injury. Then she said, “He won’t be able to forget you. I-I would be stupid to ever think that he could. Even when this is over, he won’t be able to just leave you behind. So don’t go to Cry, okay? Jack won’t be able to just let you go.”

Felix didn’t really believe her. He thought she underestimated Jack’s one-track mind. He wouldn’t be able to juggle Felix and Signe, and it wasn’t like Felix and Signe could easily coexist in Jack’s life. Felix was fine taking a backseat for this rebellion, but he couldn’t imagine himself living in a new world and watching Jack be with Signe. He didn’t think he could bear it. And he knew Signe wouldn’t be happy with him around. “You and I both know it wouldn’t work, regardless of what he wants,” Felix murmured. “I’ll leave. Don’t worry. He’ll be fine.” Felix swallowed past the lump in his throat. “You’ll make him happier, in the end.”

Signe looked like she felt sorry for him. She just nodded and ducked away, heading back to Jack, talking about how Felix was just anxious. At least she wasn’t dragging him under the bus. Point to her, Felix supposed. He looked back ahead to where Cry was sauntering like he was king of the world. The thrill of fear that went through Felix was foreign and a good lesson. He shouldn’t have trusted that the years of killing wouldn’t have changed Cry. And if Felix wasn’t careful, Jack genuinely could lose himself to the fever and end up like Cry. Felix wouldn’t let that happen. Signe wouldn’t let that happen. Jack would be fine. Jack would be fine.

They got to the gate that led into the holy city, a title that Felix found a little ironic. The legitimate Holy City of the old days was probably in ruins. Felix remembered images of the place, of the open sky and the Wailing Wall. He’d always felt a sense of serenity in thinking about the countless people that had traveled to the wall only to pray. What a simple purpose. He loved the the idea of it. He knew that this holy city would not give him the same sense of serenity. 

The gates were guarded by men and women in civilian clothes with LAR and LARS, likely followers of the religion keeping up their own personal rules. They pierced citizens with sharp gazes, even threatened a few with the muzzles of their weapons, but they wouldn’t dare look at Cry as Cry passed, and Cry waved them all through, one by one, with the most smug smile. Felix tried not to notice how the sea of people literally parted around Cry. Felix was sure the only reason Cry hadn’t been arrested was because he did quite a bit of the Enforcer’s dirty work on his own.

The holy city looked exactly like the rest of the city, but with gold worlds and images painted on the buildings. Felix was sure that this had just been another residential area before the Adleists had gained a more permanent control. The images were simple depictions of people with joined hands, verses from the books the Adleists praised as their ancient holy scripts— when they were actually scribed very recently in the beginning of the continent’s birth and held no true value at all. Felix was sure The Philistines and Sun Walkers had their fair share of falsities in their cornerstones, but he hadn’t come across nearly as many as he had with the Adleists. He wondered if the lies were intentional or if the figureheads of the Adleists had once known them to be lies, only to end up believing the lies over time simply out of misinformation. 

Cry waved them through the crowd that continued to part around him, leaving wake for the rest of the group. Jack watched the crowd warily, taking care to stand in front of Signe in particular. Out of all of them— Sive, Mark, Amy, Jack, Felix, and Signe— she was the most vulnerable. And Jack always protected those who needed it the most. 

They moved between the crowds and buildings, heading for the tallest structure in the east. It was a huge temple, with towering spires and bronze decorating the entire building so it glinted its own source of light despite the carbon ceiling. Felix grimaced at the gaudy sight and averted his eyes, feeling like it was somehow wrong to look at. In averting his eyes, he met Cry’s.

Felix fought off the flinch that came from the way Cry was watching him. His gaze was severe and calculating, seeing right through Felix in what had to be the worst way possible. They were almost at the hub now, meaning their mission would soon begin. 

“Everyone, to me,” Jack said as they stood at the beginnings of the courtyard that led into the hub. It looked very much like the courtyard of the Vatican, Felix’s memories told him. They all gathered around Jack in a tight little circle, Cry standing just at the outskirts, standing at Felix’s shoulder. Felix felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up in alarm, instincts telling him not to show his back to Cry, but he couldn’t very well do anything to prevent it. In the middle of their small group, Jack sent Cry the dirtiest look over Felix’s shoulder. But that was all he did. Felix was on his own. 

“This place is different from the others,” Jack said, his voice low. “It’s tall, yeah, but the real shit goes back. If we’re t’ take this place out, really make them feel what we’ve done? We’ve got to bring the citadel tumbling down, and then the archives beneath, with all their bullshit teachings. So not only do we have to get shit up on the first level, but beneath as well. It’s how we’re gettin’ t’ the tunnels.”

“Why the fuck are you helping us when you work for these assholes?” Sive asked Cry sharply.

Cry snorted a laugh. “I’d burn the world for Felix.”

Felix shuddered at the statement and shut his eyes against the emotion that was threatening to overcome him. He took a moment, breathing slow, the murmur of voices surrounding him fading away. His heart was rabbit quick. He almost felt dizzy. 

Felix opened his eyes to see Mark and Sive and Amy both saying angry things to the man behind his shoulder, with Jack watched Felix with the most intense darkness in his eyes. Felix was frozen in his gaze. Jack stared into him, then mouthed the slow words “Are you okay?” Felix shuddered, then gave a shaky nod. He wasn’t actually feeling okay at all, but he was fine.

“I’ll get you banned from ever leaving this fucking district again if you don’t stop saying this shit,” Mark spat, startling Felix out of the hypnotism Jack had put him under. “You will never fucking see him again, do you hear me?”

“Isn’t there something that could be used with a little more efficiency?” Cry asked in a drawl, sounding bored by the threats. “Something the government once did.”

“A restraining order,” Felix suppled without thought. 

He heard a slow chuckle behind him and a gentle murmur of, “Thank you, Felix.” Felix couldn’t take it anymore. Felix stepped forward, all but fleeing, moving to stand safely behind Jack on the other side of their group. Jack easily moved aside to let Felix find his safety just behind him. Then Jack stood firm again, shielding Felix from Cry with his body. 

“You should get a restraining order,” Cry told Felix regardless of how Felix had fled from him. “Because some ban from the gates isn’t gonna be enough to keep me away. After all, _Jack_ won’t need you when he’s done with this. I know what’s best for you, Felix. I’ve always known.” Cry then cast his glance to the citadel. “They’re going to enter the prayer hours soon, meaning their guard will be down and most civilians will be gone from the building. Should probably strike then.”

“You’re not part of this,” Jack snapped.

“And I’m to assume you know where everything is?” Cry asked. “You know where the tunnels are? You know how the archives work? You know how to navigate the tunnels themselves? You preached all this shit about leaving me behind when leaving me will just leave you in the dark. Face it, _Jack._ You need me. In fact, you can’t afford to send me away.”

“You were supposed to work on maps with Amy.”

“He refused,” Amy spoke up, still glaring at Cry. “He said he didn’t think I’d get it right. Said he didn’t want me to put Felix at risk.”

“What the fuck is with your obsession?” Sive sneered.

“Does it matter?” Cry had his eyes on Jack. “You can’t afford to set me loose. For all you know, I could report you. And with my leeway, I’d have all of you sent off to containment or even executed while leaving Felix all for me.” Felix saw Jack stiffen. “Your choice,” Cry almost sang. “You either take me with you, or put everything you’ve fought for at risk.”

“I fuckin’ hate ye’,” Jack said. 

“We don’t have any other choice,” Signe spoke up from beside Jack, looking to him earnestly. “I want us all to make it out alive, please.” Her inner-nurse had to be the voice of reason right now. Signe didn’t want any of them to die and having Cry along would be the most reliable way to ensure that. Felix could see her logic and hated it. Because even though he’d been the one to vouch for Cry in the beginning, he now wanted nothing more than to turn Cry lose and never see him ever again.

“You don’t touch Felix,” Jack ordered. “Or Signe. Or any of them.”

“But especially not Felix?” Cry laughed and cut his eyes to Felix. Jack took a step to the side to block Cry’s view entirely.

“Especially not Felix,” Jack reiterated.

“Don’t touch what’s yours, right? I do wish I could see the name.” Cry sighed heavily. “Well, what are we waiting for? I know the tunnels, you know the citadel. Anyone wanna give me a gun?”

“I ain’t armin’ ye’,” Jack snapped. “Felix, Signe, make sure yer SHIELDs on. Sive, I want you at the front, Felix in the back. Signe in the centre, we don’t let anyone or anything get through to her. We’re going in the citadel and we’re breaking into the back. Once we do that, we’re gonna be targeted. They’ll know they’re under attack.”

“They have added security,” Mark said. “And they have those disruptors we saw. Limited EMPs. Will the coms work even with those? And the LAR?”

“They also had the security doors,” Amy added. “Though those probably aren’t working yet.”

“What about the SHIELDs they have?” Sive asked. “Not that they could necessarily afford it for everyone, but I’ve got a hunch that they don’t really have to pay for their tech.”

Jack tapped the tiny silicon in his ear and asked, “Ye’ get that, Robin?”

Robin’s voice filled Felix’s brain, as he did to same to everyone else. _”If anything, we want them to have SHIELDs. I can track SHIELDs based on their unique give-off of energy from the shield itself. Which reminds me— everyone needs to say with either Felix or Signe. If you stray, I lose track of you, and I won’t be able to coordinate aid.”_

“You heard the man,” Jack said. “Stay with Felix or Signe. Preferably Signe, because the more eyes we’ve on her, the safer she probably is.”

“And you don’t want Felix safe?” Cry asked.

“Felix can take care of himself,” Jack snapped. “Another word out of ye’, and I’m kicking you t’ the curb no matter how much we need you.”

“What are we doing, Jack?” Felix asked, stealing his jaw, stealing his stance, stealing his stupid fucking heart that wouldn’t stop tripping over itself in cowardice. Felix needed to compartmentalize. He couldn’t afford to be afraid of Cry when he had adversaries with guns in front of him that were much more worthy of the fear. 

“Into the archives,” Jack said, biting out every word. “I guess we’re following Cry.”

“I won’t let you down, _Jack._ ” Cry’s smile looked more like a sneer. He looked around the small group. “I trust at least the majority of you know how to use those nifty little machines tucked away under your clothes, courtesy of my unending compassion. the archive is gonna be through the worship room, into the initial upper catacombs, and then down a level, into the basement area. And it’s all gonna look pretty spooky. Try not to bitch out, okay? We’ll have to split into three groups initially to hit the three buttons that open up the door into the basement. These people love their flashy shit.” He looked to Jack. “If I’m leading, I want Felix up front with me.”

“Not gonna happen.”

“Then I’m not leading.”

Jack was wound tighter than a knot. Felix could practically hear him grinding his teeth. And Felix knew Jack would never willingly handle any of his men over to Cry, so— “I’ll be fine.” Felix stepped forward, out of safety. “I was just a little sick earlier.”

“What a weak lie,” Cry sighed. He pat his thigh. “Up here with Papa Frost, Felix.”

“If he makes ye’ even slightly uncomfortable, you’ve my permission to shoot him in the fucking face,” Jack growled to Felix. 

“Because Felix will always follow the orders of his master, to the fucking T,” Cry griped. “We want to get this down before it gets dark, don’t we? Or darker than this world already is. Come along, Felix. At least I won’t leave bruises around your neck.”

Felix walked beside Cry, stiffer than a board, as they went through the courtyard and into the citadel. He kept track of the familiar footsteps of the other behind him, not wanting to be separated when he wasn’t paying attention. He barely paid attention to the citadel itself, too on edge to take in the architecture and gleam whatever knowledge he could about the Adleists from the way they decorated their holy places. 

They entered the citadel without a hitch, as most assumed that getting into the holy city would give you access to all the rest meant for the public. It was filled with wooden benches that had no backs, only satin draped across the hard wood to provide some semblance of comfort. Every inch of the benches were full, people bent over and mumbling feverishly to themselves. And in all of the corners of the huge worship room, wherever there was room, those who couldn’t fit in the pews were standing, heads bowed, praying with the same vehemence as those sitting. The only room to walk was the aisle that led straight down through the center of the pews and towards the alter. The alter itself was a terrifying conglomeration of old candles, wax causing the structure to reach high into the air. A crumbled statue was in the center of it, a man and a woman with their heads turned upwards, mouths open in what Felix assumed to be wails of repentance. 

The Adleists believed in repenting for every damn thing they could. That it was practically a sin to be anything but holy. There was a god, sure, but humans had long ago failed this god into forcing the deity to leave them, and their god only matched two of the three Big-O’s: Omniscient, omnipresent, and omnibenevolent. Their god was not the last of the three. Their god had abandoned them in the face of the violence that had killed the world. The Adelists repented in attempts to bring this god back to them. The extremists believed that just killing the people that were not repenting to the god would speed things along. 

“I never liked these people,” Cry sighed as he walked down the center aisle with Felix at his side. “I know you didn’t either.”

“Keep your voice down,” Felix mumbled, knowing that critiquing the religion of the hub they were entering would practically scream “We don’t belong here!” And the entire point of heading in with heads down was to keep from being recognized by any witnesses that could survive. 

“You used to be such a free thinker, Felix,” Cry bemoaned. “Has Jack sewn your lips shut too?”

“Stop giving Jack shit.”

“You’re such a fucking good pet.”

“How are we getting into the catacombs?”

“I’m an enigma,” Cry said. “I tell the keeper of the dead that I’m here to mourn. I’ve always entered this place under the guise of being yet another vapid believer, but I’ve never prayed. For them, it would make sense to learn that I’m closely connected to a recently dead member of the church, one of the dignitaries. And wanna know the best part? One of the main speakers just recently kicked the bucket. One that I knew personally.” Cry winked at Felix. “Your luck is being used up too quickly. Be careful, Felix. It may run out soon.” 

Cry led them around the large wax idol to a small, ordinary door that was just behind. A woman stood in front of it, her hands laid gently over her heart, looking to the ceiling and whispering what Felix assumed was another prayer. She had a LAR on her hip. 

“Hello, ma’am,” Cry said, all pleasantries, But the woman startled, a small cry of escaping her when she saw who was addressing her. 

“The, the dignitaries aren’t here today, but the Prophet—”

“I’m not here to collect,” Cry interrupted, an arrogant smile tugging at his lips, like he was proud of the terror he could instil in people with his face alone. And Felix was sure she wasn’t afraid of the scar. “I’m here to mourn Dignitary Francesco. I’ve brought my friends with me, as his teachings have been a huge inspiration for them. We simply wanted a few moments to remember who he has helped. May we?”

She hesitated, likely aware that she wasn’t meant to let anyone in. But her fear of Cry was stronger than her need to adhere to the rules. “Please tell them that Rowan let you in, not me.”

“Darling, I don’t even know your name,” Cry told her as she stepped aside and unlocked the door with a key that was hooked on her clothes just behind the LAR. “Come along, friends,” he beckoned, smiling enigmatically at Felix as he said this, stepping aside to let everyone into the room first. 

The filed inside. The initial catacomb room looked like it used to be a morgue, small, square doors lining the walls where the dead could be stored. It was cold and smelled of formaldehyde. Felix wasn’t sure if the Adleists practiced ritual mummification, and he wasn’t sure where they would get the necessary supplies for it if they did. Felix stared into the wall of cadavers a little too long. A hand went to the small of his back, and Felix jumped, half expecting Cry. He turned and relaxed when he saw it was only Mark. “Are you okay?” Mark asked, his voice low. Felix just shook his head. 

“The stairs are just down the way,” Cry said, pointing down a hall that held more and more doors for cadavers. Felix wasn’t sure how many dead were collected here. He almost didn’t want to know. “Once we get down to the lower catacombs, you’ll find things become a little more archaic. There are three different halls down there that lead to different control panels. We’re gonna have to press them all at the same time. The fun part is that it’s all guarded. Once we get down there and make your nefarious purpose known, they’ll go into lockdown. It’ll leave us a few minutes to hit the buttons and get the door open before we won’t be able to get in at all.”

“Jesus christ, a fucking time crunch?” Sive looked around unhappily. “All these fucking corpses, and now you’re gonna tell us we could get locked in here.”

“Please don’t tell me you were under the impression that this would be easy.” Cry shook his head. “The East is violent and paranoid. They’re gonna take a lot more security measures than your weak little districts.”

“Can we still hear Robin in here?” Signe asked, her voice tiny in this oppressive room. “And down there?”

Jack grimaced and tapped his com again. “Ye’ hear us?”

There was a nerve-wracking amount of static before Robin’s voice came through. _“Not well, but good enough. And I’ve more bad news.”_

“Fucking awesome,” Sive grumbled.

_”Those buttons that are gonna get you in to the archives require passcodes, not just a simple push. I’m gonna need at least a minute with each one to get in. It’ll be easy, really, I’ll just need you to feed me the serials on the side of each keypad, but it’s still extra time. I recommend you guys all split into groups of two, at least, and feed me all the serials at once. I can have Ethan help me on his monitor.”_

“You knew about this?” Jack asked Cry.

“To tell you the truth, I’ve never had to break in,” Cry replied. “Whenever I needed something from the archives, all I had to do was show up and they’d roll over for me. But they won’t as long as I’ve all of you with me.” Cry paused, obviously thinking. “I’d recommend listening to Robin. We won’t be able to wrangle any of the codes from the guards considering we’re going to need to kill them first.”

“We have to kill people?” Signe asked, going white.

“It’s unavoidable,” Amy told her with a grimace. “Right? Up until now, we were pretty fucking lucky. All of those religions before acted on charity and helping the people, so they all cleared out at certain times. But the Adleists— they don’t give a shit about anyone else. So we’re gonna have to kill some people.”  
“And it’s gonna suck,” Mark said.

“Wow,” Cry said. “You people really have been playing it safe with this whole rebellion thing, haven’t you. And you two— Nelson add Dick-bach. Weren’t you old enough for the gate disaster? How can you think you could have done all of this without breaking a few skulls?”

“We were kids,” Amy defended.

“You’re telling me even the youngest of children can forget the systematic execution of nearly every single gate official that would lead to the promotion of your own parents?” Cry shook his head. “Such negligence.”

“Stop wasting time,” Jack snapped. “Just get us down there. The sooner we get the serials to Robin, the sooner we get inside.”

Cry rolled his eyes. “For someone who’s against killing, you seem pretty eager to start this fight.”

“Who said I’m against killing?”

“Jack, please,” Signe said. “You know it’s wrong.”

Jack didn’t look away from the standoff he was having with Cry. “I’ve given ye’ so many threats. Did ye’ think all of them were bullshit? Just words? Understand me— I am not afraid to get my hands bloody. Maybe everyone else is, but I’ve known we needed to make heads roll to get shit done. And don’t ever doubt that I won’t put a bullet in your head just as soon as anyone else’s.”

“Perfect,” Cry said. “Get your gun out.”

Felix frowned at the word Cry used as the rest didn’t move. Cry rolled his eyes and pulled out the LAR he’d had stuffed in the back of his pants. “We can’t just kill them with our bare hands. Very inefficient.” 

“Signe is with me,” Jack said. “I want Sive with Cry and Felix going right. Amy and Mark, you’re together and you’re going left. Whatever relative direction. It’s just three halls, right? Ain’t no way we can get lost.”

 _“Lockdown takes seven minutes to complete,”_ Robin told them. _”Each button looks like it has four guards right now. There’s no way around this.”_

“Are you sure it’s smart to have Signe with you?” Felix asked Jack. The dirty look she shot him did nothing to keep Felix from pointing out, “She doesn’t have a decent ability with a LAR and I know you won’t use the SHIELD to your advantage. Shouldn’t you take Sive? So everyone has two working guns.”

Jack finally broke his gaze away from Cry to look to Felix with the gentlest expression Jack could wear during situations like these. “I’ll be fine, Felix,” he said. “Just focus on getting your button hit.”

_”Good news is that you don’t actually have to hit your buttons at the same time, just make sure it’s all within a minute.”_

“Good to know.” Jack looked around the small group, then gave Sive a look. Sive met the stare and gave Jack the slightest of nods before moving to stand beside Felix. “We use the coms to let each other know when we hit our buttons, yeah? Get it all within a minute. If you can’t get to yours for whatever reason, let us know. We’ve got one shot. Don’t fuck this up by keeping silent. And if you need help? Scream.”

Jack went in first, taking Signe by the elbow. He gave everyone last cursory glance before passing down the hall of cadavers. Felix watched him go, a horrible sense of foreboding filling. He didn’t much believe in a sixth sense or the merit of human paranoia and psychic tendencies, but he couldn’t deny that watching Jack walk away felt like the would see him for the last time. Jack opened the door and slipped inside with Signe just behind him.

Sive nudged Felix. “We’ve got this..”

Felix nodded and tapped his com. There was a beat of static, then Jack’s voice. _“All clear. Everyone move.”_ Felix flinched at the sensation of Jack’s voice being _in_ his fucking _ear._ He clenched his jaw and tried not to think about it, instead moving down the hall, the first to step forward to Jack’s order, as always since absolutely never. Cry and Sive followed him and Felix bound down the stairs, hoping to catch one last glimpse of Jack. But the halls down here were concrete and curved. Coming down the stairs showed that one of the halls was at a obtuse, right, and acute angles from the stairs. But the right angle hallway— the one that was dead ahead, that Jack had gone down— had this fucking door. It was unlocked, it had to be, because Felix couldn’t see Jack through the steel. He wanted to kick the damn thing, but he knew better than to make noise. So he went to the right.

“Felix, get the fuck behind me,” Sive hissed. “You’ve got a death-wish.”

“I’ve a SHIELD,” Felix reminded him, but he got low. “I should be in front of you.”

“There’s gonna be a room at the end here,” Cry told them. “Three guards. We’ll have to kill them. Can you kill them, Felix?” Felix didn’t respond immediately. “Jesus christ, what good are you?” Cry took Felix by the shoulder and yanked him back, putting himself and Sive at the front. “Fucking useless pet.”

“Dude, if you call him that shit again, I’ll—”

“What the fuck can second best to do their better?” Cry spat. “You’ve never been able to beat me. I fucking know who you are, Muhammed, I know your shit. I know everything about you, your pretty life in Central, your bullshit into the West. I’m not fucking afraid of you and none of your threats will mean a damn thing.”

“For fuck’s sake, guys, we could seriously die here,” Felix whispered urgently. The walls were lined with what looked like books, but all of them seemed off in the dim light of these halls. They didn’t seem real, and Felix severely doubted that this place collected any legitimate knowledge. 

“I want Felix behind us,” Cry snapped, is voice too loud. “You hear me? Keep that fucking idiot behind both of us.” Sive nodded and pulled Felix back too. Cry strode forward with too much confidence to stand in front of the door that would hold the guards. “Get your shot ready, second-best. I’ve one muzzle and three targets and I don’t get to do this my way. You’ve got to take out at least one.”

Behind them, a LAR discharged, and someone shouted something. Felix flinched, his shoulders going up by his ears. Behind him, someone had just died, and he hated it.

Cry put his shoulder to the door. He smiled at where the shot had come from, pressed his ear to the door and listened for something. Cry rested his hand on the knob, looking expectantly to Sive. “Here they come.”

He pulled open the door and a faceless guard bound out, armored to the teeth. Sive fired quicker than Felix could blink, and the shot— it hit something like electricity, a field around the body, and fizzled out, rippling around the shield that was hovering an inch around the body. The guard had a SHIELD, like Felix and Signe.

“Oh fuck yes,” Cry said from where he was hiding from view against the wall. He took the guard by the head and twisted so sharply that Felix heard the moment the man’s neck snapped. A horrible gurgle came from the guard, muffled by the mask over his face. Another guard came out, but Sive seemed to have adapted quickly. He brought his fist up into the exposed neck of the guard, left him choking for breath, pushed him to the floor and brought the heel of his boot down into the neck again. Something broke and the man flailed uselessly as he died. Cry and Sive both surged forward as one to take the third guard by the corners of his mask. Cry tore off the SHIELD that was on the man’s skin, blood pouring from the gouge. Sive brought up his LAR and shot the man through the head. All three went down to the floor with the momentum of the attack, leaving Felix wide open to attack from the fourth guard that wasn’t supposed to be there.

The shot that hit Felix in the chest felt like a punch. His SHIELD had to be faulty, because Felix wasn’t supposed to feel anything. The ripple of light from the electricity shielding him blinded him in its intensity. He raised his hand and fired wildly, knowing that the SHIELD was vulnerable to second shots after absorbing a hit. Cry let out a shout of excitement and a body hit the floor. Felix regained his sight and gasped as he could suddenly breathe again. He couldn’t remember a SHIELD ever suffocating a person, but it was like the static charge had zapped away all of the oxygen in his little bubble, however temporarily. He looked to where the guard had been and saw him dead on the ground. Where was his SHIELD?

“What the fuck is this?”

Felix looked to where Sive was kicking a gun— one of the metal ones, the ones that weren’t supposed to exist anymore— from the hand of the second guard that had been killed. Felix went white. If the guards here, however few of them, had actual fucking guns, none of them would be safe. You couldn’t even track the shot and try to dodge. “Don’t touch that,” Felix told Sive, hundreds of stories of misfiring guns running through his mind. “Don’t, don’t— it’s not safe.”

“You know what this is?”

There was another shot behind them, but sharper and louder an more violent. Felix flinched, his eyes, and turned to run. “Hit the button, hit the button!” he told Sive and Cry as he left them, sprinting away, going down the hall Amy and Mark had gone down. Mark knew about the guns, but he didn’t know what they could really do, and Amy—

The door to their room was shut, shouting sounding behind them. Felix slammed into the door, rushing headlong into the struggle. Two guards were still alive, both of them with the antique guns. Amy was bleeding from somewhere around her neck, staring down a muzzle. Mark was held in the arms of another guard, beefy arms around his throat. Mark struggled, but he wasn’t strong enough to throw them off. There were four fucking dead bodies on the ground. 

Felix slammed into the guard with the gun on Amy, relishing the grunt the man let out as he hit the wall from the force. Felix hit his head hard on the same wall, though, and crumbled, dazed. There was a shot, loud and like broken bones. Felix reached up blindly and wrestled the guard for the gun. Mark shouted just beyond him, and then Amy had the gun turning it on the guard and firing. 

The splatter that came from the shot tearing through the man’s skull stunned Felix more than hitting his head. He could taste the man in his mouth, bits of brain and bone getting in his open mouth. His face was warm from the blood covering his skin. Amy’s else were huge with horror on Felix, like she couldn’t understand the carnage the gun had created. Then a hand took Felix by the arm, tearing off the band that was covering Felix’s wrist. The final guard shouted something unintelligible, pushing his gun into Felix’s temple, holding him as leverage. 

“I’ll fucking blow his fucking brains out just like the rest of—!”

The man died with an awful noise. Mark and Amy watched whoever was behind the guard that had done it with fear. Felix felt more blood run down his back. The guard dropped to the ground and a hand lied itself over Felix’s exposed wrist. Seán’s name was dark like a bruise, standing out against the blood on Felix’s skin.

“You lied to me, Felix,” Cry murmured in his ear, an arm snacking around Felix’s waist as the hand holding his wrist traced Seán’s name with the thumb. “I could easily cut this off.”

Mark snatched Felix out of Cry’s grip, pressed his fingers to his ear as Amy stood in front of Felix, shielding him from Cry. “Our button’s clear. Serial 48-953”

 _“So is mine, serial 48-955”_ Sive said. _“Felix, Cry, what the fuck?”_

 _“Serial 48-954. We’re ready to go,”_ Jack said, his voice making Felix shudder in relief. Felix sagged against Mark, running too high on adrenaline. _“Robin?”_

There was a pause, almost too long. Felix didn’t know how much time had been wasted. _“954 is gonna be 333,”_ Ethan said, the words exploding out of him like he was in a panic.

_“955 is 683.”_

_“And 953’s 114.”_

_“Good work,”_ Jack said. _”Plug in your number and hit that fucker in three, two, one.”_

Cry was smiling like the devil at Felix as he punched in the code and slammed his fist into the dark button that was just above the numerical keypad. There was the sound of a piercing alarm, only once, before red light flashed from the ceiling. 

_”Everyone to me, now!”_

Mark pushed Felix along, keeping himself and Amy between Felix and Cry. Sive met them in the adjoining hallways, making a face at the blood covering Felix. He opened his mouth like he wanted to demand why he was left behind when Jack shouted from his door, something Felix couldn’t understand. Fear swam through him, everything becoming all too dangerous in Felix’s mind. He turned away from the others and ran down the hall, acting on instinct alone. He rounded the last of the winding corners and burst into a firefight. 

Jack was behind some greek coliseum pillar, pinned down by LAR fire, Signe was nowhere to be seen, foolishly hidden away somewhere when she should have been in front of Jack, keeping away the shots. Felix darted for Jack’s cover, knocking into him. His SHIELD trembled from the shots that were absorbed and he put his arms on either side of Jack’s shoulders, keeping him pinned to the pillar. 

Even in the midst of the chaos, Jack went wide-eyed at the blood covering Felix. “It’s not mine,” Felix promised. “They have guns.”

“What the fuck are ye’ doing?!” Jack demanded. A shot zinged past them, grazing and burning Felix’s knuckles. “You could get killed!”

“How many are there?”

“Too fuckin’ many. Cry lied to ye’.”

“Cry’s a fucking psycho,” Felix said. “I’m gonna go out there and you’re gonna stay behind me and hit whoever you fucking can. I am your shield. I will take the shots. I will survive this.” Another shot flashed past them, singing the the shoulder of Felix’s shirt. He glanced behind himself in his peripherals and saw the others pinned down by LAR fire at the door. They wouldn’t be able to help them. Not with Signe being missing. “Trust me, Jack.”

Jack stared into Felix for all of a split second before he scowled and then gave a shot nod. “I’ll follow ye’.”

Felix spun on his heel and stood in front of the LAR-fire, planting his stance, The first shots to hit him were like physical blows, making Felix sway. But he stood firm, especially when Jack pressed himself against Felix’s back and fired over Felix’s shoulder, killing a guard with his first shot. As the light from the SHIELD faded, Felix realized that these weren’t guards, though. These were soldiers with a star emblazoned on their chests. The soldiers that had swept through the latest bombing sight and killed stragglers without prejudice. Felix stared into the stare and tried to understand what it could mean as Jack killed four more. But there were at least ten out there. Felix’s SHIELD flashed, blinding him again, shimmering. When sight came back, he saw one of the soldiers didn’t have a LAR. It was another fucking gun. 

It wasn’t pointed at him. It was pointed beyond him. Felix turned his head and saw Signe before anyone else, where she was coming out from behind a bookshelf. This place was actually littered with bookshelves, befitting of the name “archives.” She’d taken cover behind one and was apparently trying to be a hero now, sneaking out from behind the bookshelf to run towards him and Jack. 

Signe hit them hard, knocking Felix to the side in her fumbled rush. Felix stumbled as Signe took a stance in front of Jack, shouting something urgently into his face as Jack reeled back. A shot grazed Jack’s cheek, splitting open his cheek and burning it shut. Signe took Jack by the shoulders and shoved him down, shielding him with her body. There was a lull in fire, she and Cry moving forward in unison that almost seemed rehearsed, and taking advantage of the situation. Felix ducked behind a bookshelf and shouted for Signe and Jack to come to him as Amy and Mark took the cover fire Sive and Cry provided to advance into the archives as well. There were five soldiers left. One of them still had a gun. A gun that was suddenly pointed at Jack and Signe. 

Felix had enough time to realize his choice, but not enough time to think about it. So he ran out of his cover and shoved Signe away hard enough to make her hit the ground. He caught himself on Jack, his hand on Jack’s neck. And then there was that violent gunfire and Felix’s side bloomed with heat and pain. He kept his momentum, though, and moved with Jack behind a bookshelf on the other side of the archives. As he got Jack to safety, he noticed a man beyond the soldiers— a well dressed man, adorned with robes that reminded him off the pope. He was staring at Felix with shock, following Felix with his finger, shouting something that sounded like “Shell-burg!” Felix dropped to the ground and brought his hand to where the pain had come from. There was this awful hole. He lied back on the ground and stared up at the ceiling.

It was actually gorgeous. Intricately carved, reminiscent of the Philistine architecture. Felix was almost sad that they’d destroyed that beautiful building that had been rich with so much history. He wondered how long that building had stood before they’d destroyed it. Much longer than the Continent’s existence, Felix was sure.

“Felix, get up!” Jack shouted, kicking him almost violently in the side. He hadn’t noticed anything yet, he had his LAR up and was peaking around the corner of the bookshelf. Signe had crawled to join them and was huddled in the furthest corner, trembling. Jack knew she was useless now. He needed Felix to help him. When Felix whimpered in pain, though, Jack realized something was wrong. 

Jack scrambled to his side, dropping the LAR, gathering Felix up in his arm. He looked over for burns when he noticed that the blood on Felix wasn’t as it had been before— it flowed freely from the hole torn into Felix’s side. Felix couldn’t breathe, not like he was supposed to. He wondered if his entire lung was just shredded. “What happened?” he demanded, voice breaking. Felix’s eyes fell shut. He was suddenly exhausted. “Felix, what the fuck happened?” The chaos around them continued. Someone screamed as they died and Felix didn’t know who it was. Jack pulled up Felix’s shirt and saw the wound. “Oh… Oh, Felix.”

Felix opened his eyes and looked up to see Jack was crying. He wasn’t even sure if Jack knew it. A tear slipped down Jack’s cheek and hit Felix’s stomach, mixing with his blood that pooled across his torso. The shot hadn’t gone all the way through. The blood filled the hole and bubbled up, spilling across his pale skin. And Jack was crying into it. His expression was one Felix hadn’t seen it years. The last time Jack had worn it, he’d returned to his home to find it in rubble and his entire family gone. He was afraid.

Felix opened his mouth to speak, but blood sputtered past his lips as he coughed. He forced himself through it and said, _”Oh, let’s go up on the hill and scare ourselves, as reckless of the best of them tonight…”_

Jack paled and started to shake his head, dazed. “No,” he choked out, tears strangling his voice. “Felix, stop.” He took Felix’s torso and pulled Felix into his arms, into his lap, holding Felix to his chest. “Signe, get over here!” 

Felix struggled to remember the next line. His mind was failing him. _“L-let’s not wait for rain to make it safe.”_

“Felix, shut up.” Jack looked frantically beyond Felix, into the corner. “Signe, please! He’s dying!”

_“The pile is ours: we dragged it bough on bought down dark covering paths between the pines.”_

“Felix, _please!_ ”

Felix forgot again. _“Both, both the free and not so free. Let’s all but bring to life this old volcano. Let wild fire loose, we will…”_

Jack choked on a noise of pain as Felix’s voice and everything faded. Black creeped in on Felix’s vision. Jack was holding Felix in his lap and Felix was so warm, even in the fear. He turned his head into Jack’s chest and soaked in the touch of the man he loved. “I’m happy to die like this,” he murmured. 

“Felix, wake up.”

“There’s just so much…” Felix’s words were slurred. He couldn’t see. He couldn’t hear the fight anymore, either, but he could hear someone singing. _Try this trick— spin it._ Felix tried to take in a final breath and couldn’t. He had to figure out what to say. Something for Jack. Felix mustered up the last of his breath and whispered, _”War is for everyone— for children too.”_

Jack sobbed, screaming something as Felix’s world faded to black. He felt nothing in this final moment. He only slipped off into sleep and was grateful that he could die so peacefully, even after everything. 

Through the gentle singing of _your head will collapse if there’s nothing in it_ by a little girl, the last words he heard from Jack were: _”I will slaughter everyone single one of ye’ with my bare hands!”_


	10. Sleep Apnea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A'IGHT SO
> 
> as you might be able to tell, the tags have changed. i took away the rape/non-con because i was just kinda eh about writing that like it seemed a little unnecessary/overboard, but i still do have rape/non-con elements, so please _if that bothers you read this carefully_
> 
> **stop reading at the phrase "Felix had fucked up" and pick back up on "Felix lashed out..."**
> 
> you'll be able to surmise what happened pretty easily from the rest of the chapter without ever having to read it, so just don't put yourself through the mess since you don't gotta.

Felix opened his eyes, stared up at a grey, concrete ceiling, and wondered how he got here. His spine was curved and tucked in on itself and his neck hurt. His head was cushioned by something too soft. His legs were restless. He was met with the distinct need to just roll over onto the floor. Felix knew that he was in his bed and he fucking hated it. Felix tried to sit up and get off the mattress.

The pain that flared through him was world-ending. A strangled cry got caught in his throat and he rolled onto his side, breathing through the agony. He felt like his entire side was on fire. His breathing faltered, something he couldn’t control, and it was terrifying. Felix shut his eyes and blocked out all of the concrete to just focus on himself.

It took a long moment, but he eventually got his body back under control. And with the control came the memory. 

Felix had been shot. He’d died in Jack’s arms, something he’d always wanted to do. And yet now he was alive? Awake and alive and alone in his room. Felix was sorely disappointed, though he didn’t know why. He could feel the ghost of Jack’s warmth against his cheek and the barest of songs in his head. The lyrics bounced around in his head, but he couldn’t catch them or remember them. Felix grimaced and curled his knees to his chest, moving slowly to keep from aggravating his injury. Felix groaned softly and pulled up his sweater— he didn’t know whose this sweater was, but it wasn’t one of his own— and he saw gauze taped to his side. Felix peeled it back carefully and saw—

It wasn’t that bad. It looked like it had been cauterized and the skin was already healing, red at the edges. The pain he felt seemed beneath the surface. He knew whoever had done this had pulled the bullet from his body. He wondered how extensive the damage had been. Felix also knew he wouldn’t get answers just lying in bed. 

Felix rolled onto the good half of his stomach and scuffled his feet on the floor, finding the pain to lessen after the initial surge. He pushed himself up with aching careful slowness and stood so very cautiously. His wound tugged and his legs trembled, but he didn’t collapse and once he straightened out, the pain lessened. Felix let a few slow breaths out before readying himself to start walking. And walking was relatively painless, so there was no reason for him to stay in bed. He left his room to find someone who could have answers.

To his alarm, this entire level— that normally had at least a few people milling about— was relatively empty. He wanted to knock on the door into Jack’s room, but felt anxious of the idea. What if Jack was trying to sleep? Everything was so dark and quiet down here. Felix didn’t know what time it was, but he didn’t want to risk robbing Jack of much needed rest. The sight of Jack crying in what Felix had thought were his final moments alive haunted him. He hated seeing the fear twisting Jack’s face. He almost wished he could forget, but he was starting to relish any memories he still had, no matter how hard they were to remember. 

Felix crept further down the hall into the main room of this level. He was half tempted to go up a floor and see if he was missing some sort of meeting. He belatedly realized that he didn’t even know if they’d succeeded in taking down the Adleist hub. He was somehow back in their home in the west. How long had he been out?

Felix was heading for the stairwell when a gasp behind him had him faltering in his tracks. He turned around and relaxed when he saw Mark. The man was staring at him with white, wide eyes. “You look as if you’ve seen a ghost.”

“Felix, you’re awake.” Mark rushed forward and took Felix by the shoulders. “I wish I could hug you but that would be a shitty idea, wouldn’t it?”

“Do you know what’s wrong with me?”

“Signe said you nearly lost a lung. She stole some shit from the fallen soldiers before we collapsed the hub. That’s the only way you were able to survive the trip home. That, and Cry got one of his freaky friends to check you out. Jack didn’t let them stay for long.”

“Jack,” Felix repeated. “What happened to him?”

Mark paused. “… You need to go find him, Felix. Show that you’re alive. He’s been someone else.”

“What do you mean?”

“He lost it, Felix. He massacred all of them after what they did to you. He killed— he killed every single soldier we came across with anything he could get his hands on. It was a bloodbath.”

Felix’s eyes went wide. There had been countless soldiers in their path, Felix knew that. And if Jack had personally killed everyone single one he found, it had to mean some of it was documented, even if the hub was destroyed. Felix prayed no one had caught images of Jack’s face. “Are we safe?”

“For now,” Mark said. “Felix, we— something’s happened. But Jack didn’t want to make a move until you were awake.”

“What’s happened?”

Mark shook his head. “I don’t exactly know. He needs to tell you, he’s barely spoken to anyone since you went down. I, I saw him go to his room. You need to find him and talk to him, if only to prove to him you’re alive. I’m telling you, Felix, he became a monster. I, I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Felix grimaced and placed a hand over his wound. It didn’t hurt, but it helped him understand, just a little. If he thought Jack had died in his arms, he would have lost himself to the grief. And while he knew he didn’t matter to Jack like Jack mattered to him, the tears had meant something. He couldn’t imagine the pain Jack had gone through. Felix suddenly doubted his desire to let Jack sleep. He should have checked Jack’s room first. “I’ll go check on him,” Felix told Mark. “Thank you for letting me know.” One last thing. “Cry… Is he gone?” 

Mark nodded. “Jack almost killed him too.”

“Fuck. Why?”

“I, I hid your wrist, once Jack was preoccupied, but Cry said something to him. I don’t know what, but it did something to Jack. He nearly strangled Cry. The fucker laughed the whole time. And then Cry just kept trying to take you.”

Felix paled. “Does Jack know? About the name.”

“I don’t think so,” Mark replied. “He would have said something if he did, right? He wouldn’t— finding someone’s name on your wrist would have meant something to him. He would have asked after who Seán is. He would try to hunt the guy down. Right?”

Felix swallowed around the lie. “Right.”

Mark hesitated. “… Who is Seán, Felix?”

“It doesn’t matter.” He didn’t want Mark’s pity if he ever knew. “I have to— I need to see Jack. His room, you said?” Mark nodded. Felix let out a ragged sigh, then pulled on a small smile that was exhausting. “I’m glad you’re safe,” he told Mark. “And everyone else. I figured you’d tell me if we lost anyone, right? I’m glad all of you are okay.”

“But you, Felix— you could have died.”

“I couldn’t let Jack take the bullet, you know that.”

“I do, I do, but Jack— he wouldn’t have survived if you hadn’t.”

Felix chose not to believe that. “I’ll talk to Jack. I’ll see you later, Mark. You can let the others know I’m up if they care.”

Mark’s face fell into something sad. “Of course they care, Felix.”

Felix just pulled away and turned. “I’ll see you in a bit.” He didn’t hear Mark take his leave, but it didn’t matter. He had to go find Jack.

. . .

Felix stood outside Jack’s door and readied himself for however Jack would react. The tears— they’d been so fucking real and unexpected. Felix had imagined his own death a few times. It was an unavoidable reality that came with the life he led, following Jack dutifully into his own end. Felix hadn’t even stopped to think about taking that bullet for Jack. It was obvious that he’d been ready to die for the other man and it had always seemed like Felix’s inevitable future. Every time he’d imagined his death, he’d been dying for Jack. Now Felix had survived that death and— what else was there? A second attempt? 

He didn’t want to do that to Jack. Not now that he knew how Jack would be effected. The tears, the fucking tears. Felix never wanted to see those again. 

He knocked on the door, but got no response. He knocked again and heard— shuffling. Something like someone in the cloth. Then a voice, presumably saying a muffled request. Felix figured he’d been invited in. He opened the door and readied himself for Jack’s reaction, whatever it may be. The hallway was darker than the room itself. It allowed him to easily see what he wished he would never have to witness.

A part of himself was spiteful to realize that Signe was as beautiful as he’d always feared her to be. She was miles of pale, unblemished skin and gentle curves, her back to the door and her lower half hidden by the twisting sheets of Jack’s bed. He watched the muscles along her spine and shoulders tighten as sounds of pleasure slipped from her lips, her body rocking down slowly onto— onto Jack. 

Jack, who’s arms were wrapped around Signe’s waist in some sort of embrace, his teeth sinking into the turn of her neck. Jack thrust up into the gorgeous girl’s body, eyes screwed shut, almost in anger, but more than likely in passion. While Signe was soft and almost fragile, Jack looked like he hated everything he was doing, but did it so well. Signe gasped loudly with one thrust and pulled her neck from Jack’s to tangle her hands in his hair and pull Jack up to kiss her. 

In that moment, Felix hated her. 

“Jack, I’m close,” he heard her whisper, this intimate murmur of Jack’s name. Jack growled against her lips and snapped his hips up inside her. She whimpered and arched her spine and Felix—

Turned and ran. He didn’t even shut the door, he couldn’t think to do anything to keep from being caught. He just ran. The chorus of Signe’s moans mixing with Jack’s quiet gasps were too much. 

Felix wished he had died.

. . .

Felix didn’t remember how he got where he was now. Leaving home had been a flurry of nothing, muddled thoughts, foggy vision, and this awful pain in his chest. He didn’t know if he’d gone to Tyler, or if he’d flagged down someone on his own, but he was in the—

Hakaragi. He was in the Hakaragi bazaar. It was bustling with sordid activity, neon lights piercing the acid rain. It was dark, far too dark, beyond the artificial colors. He was lost in sometime in the middle of the night and all he could think about was what Signe had felt when she’d taken Jack inside her and taken what she’d always wanted for her own. He wondered if she’d felt more pleasure in winning than in being with Jack. Maybe it was wrong of him to see her as such a selfish thing, but he couldn’t—

God, he felt sick.

Felix kept seeing her— how perfect and clean and pure she was. She was everything he knew she would be and everything he knew he wasn’t. Felix was twisted skin that had been touched by too many people and an empty canvas for names. His brain was broken and he couldn’t even pull away from his ever-approaching demise. Felix knew for a fact now that he had no future. Jack would move on with Signe, they’d build some sort of family together, and Felix would be left behind. Cry had offered for him to stay but Felix couldn’t—

He just felt so fucking sick.

Felix had nothing, officially and damningly. He wasn’t anything without Jack, and now Jack was Signe’s, and Signe would never stand to keep Felix around. Maybe Jack would try to keep him, maybe Jack actually did care about him— the tears were starting to suggest as much— but he wouldn’t fight his fucking future wife or whatever Signe was going to become. Even though she had won, she wouldn’t be able to leave it at that. She wouldn’t be able to take her win and be happy. She would try to take everything from him in turn and rid herself of the threat of losing Jack’s attention even to the slightest degree. She would take everything from Felix. He was going to face this terrifying future alone with no government alone.

Felix needed something. He’d spent a good portion of his life in this sordid world, he knew what drugs were being passed between hands around him. This place was only still standing thanks to them, thanks to Jack. This place would have been eradicated, first with those evil fucking guns that had torn through Felix’s body, and then the incendiary wrath of the Chairwoman. Felix didn’t like death, he couldn’t stand it at all, but this place— he knew Hakaragi better than he’d like. The part of him that was reeling from what he’d seen between Signe and Jack almost wished that this place had been destroyed. It really was the worst of people. And it was right where Felix belonged. 

He wouldn’t do the drugs— he’d been made to take quite a few narcotics when he’d been working the streets since some people like their toys completely brain dead— because he didn’t trust himself or anyone here to ensure he came back from the high alive. But even as he tried to deny himself some form of sin, he could hear the gasp Jack had made as Signe’s spine had arched and—

Felix knew the brothels in Hakaragi like the back of his hand and hated himself for it. He knew the safer brothels were at the beginning of the bazaar, as they were the most popular among people who weren’t regulars and usually had tamer clientele and workers. It also meant that the clientele themselves didn’t know how to go easy on the workers, which resulted in darker bruises and longer-lasting injuries. Felix kept his head low and his hood up as he went deeper into the bazaar, past the vendors and the solicitors, to the darkest ends of Hakaragi where even the neon couldn’t reach. 

The brothel he knew was down a flight of stairs, tucked under a residential building that was hardly livable. It was a place called _TSEL_ , and Felix had nearly died here once. A broken glass grazing his jugular after someone-too-drunk had been angry over being denied Felix’s body. The bartender had saved Felix’s skin. And then the bartender had been found dead in the neighboring alley way the very next morning. Felix hadn’t ever felt safe enough to come back. 

The point of tonight wasn’t to be safe. 

He went down the stairs, ducking his head to make it under the doorway. He’d definitely grown since he was last here. It had been so long that he wondered if he would even be recognized. He didn’t want to be. Felix wanted to do this like everyone else did.

The brothel itself was really supposed to be a bar, and an old one. Older than anything Felix had known to be in the residentials. He went up to the bar counter itself, waved down for a beverage he didn’t intend to actually drink, and scoped out the place. It was crowded and smelled like sweat. Bass thrummed through the floor, almost too low for Felix’s ears to pick up. The vibrations were the only way he knew it existed. People milled about, all of them dirty and careless. A good amount of them were staring at Felix and his limbs, likely looking for some sort of ink. Felix took the glass the bartender gave him and pretended to drink. He wasn’t stupid enough to actually consume anything from these places. 

Felix’s moment at the bar allowed his mind to wander, something he didn’t want. He couldn’t move past what he’d seen and the sounds he’d heard. As his brain ruminated on that one awful scene, it zeroed in on a new detail Felix hadn’t noticed. The way Jack’s fingers had indented Signe’s hip as he’d dug into her skin, holding her down for a harsh thrust that had made Jack moan. 

Felix pushed off the bar and headed for the nearest person that was staring at him with no tact. It was a man— dirty blond hair, dark and grimy skin, a tattoo of a sun across one half of his face. He had on two scarves and faux leather pants. His shoulders were nearly the size of his head and he was taller than Felix. Practically the opposite of Jack in every way that Felix needed. 

Felix kept eye contact with the man as he sidled up to him, letting his hips sway, making his intentions clear. The man grinned slowly at his approach, a feral turn of the lips that showed his canines that had been manually sharpened to a point. This man was some sort of psycho, but Felix hadn’t really expected to find anyone that wasn’t unhinged in this place. When Felix reached him, the man instantly reached out and took Felix by the hip, pulling him close, showing everyone watching Felix that he was the lucky winner. “What’s your name, sweetheart?”

Felix arched a brow. “Do you really care?”

“Not quite. How much?”

“Free,” Felix said. The man’s eyes lit up. Getting to fuck an Exotic for free? He probably thought it was his fucking birthday. Felix swallowed down the anxiety that curled in his stomach when the man’s grip on his hip became a little too tight. This was exactly what he’d signed up for.

“I got any marks on you that I should worry about?” the man asked, eyes sweeping over Felix’s body like he could see through clothes. Felix still wondered whose sweater he was wearing. 

“None,” Felix told him. 

“You’re unowned? I don’t believe you.”

Felix narrowed his eyes and made to pull away. “If you’re a fucking coward—“

“Calm down, sweetheart, I didn’t say anything of that. Just find it a little hard to believe that someone looking like you hasn’t already been bought.” That feral grin became almost frightening. Felix suddenly worried if he’d made a mistake in picking this man. Then again, Felix wanted to fuck, and he wanted it to hurt. This fucker seemed more than capable of both. Felix swallowed down his instincts— the ones he’d honed from years of doing this shit and knowing when a client was dangerous— and pressed his front against the man’s side. Fuck, he was basically all muscle and he could probably kill Felix with his bare hands. “You’re eager, aren’t you?”

“I’ve got shit to do,” Felix said. “Just get me out of here and make it quick.”

There was a dark glint in the man’s eyes, something that was probably a bad sign. Felix was all about making bad decisions today, though. He reached down and cupped the man through the front of his faux leather pants, steeling his jaw, then letting his lips fall open with sinful implications. “Unless you want me to find someone else?”

The man laughed. The sound made the hair on the back of Felix’s neck stand. His grip on Felix’s hip was bruising, and Felix wondered if Jack had left these same bruises on Signe’s body. “Let’s get you somewhere a little more deserving of a pretty thing like you.” Then the man’s other hand came up to grip the back of Felix’s neck. “I’m Reyes,” he said, before bending his head and slamming their mouths together. He sunk his teeth into the soft flesh of Felix’s bottom lip. It hurt and Felix gasped, tasting iron. “Jesus, you taste clean.” Felix shuddered and the man’s grin split his cheeks when he mistook it for some sort of pleasure. 

Reyes pulled Felix along as he moved through the brothel, standing proud with his hand on Felix’s neck like a collar, bragging his claim. Felix kept his head hung low, not wanting to see the stares even more now. 

Reyes all but pushed Felix up the stairs out of the brothel and into the alley that the bartender had been found in years ago. Felix remembered it well because he’d been one of the first people to see the body. He’d been torn into three different pieces, his eyelids ripped off and his tongue cut out. The Enforcers that had eventually meandered to the scene had declared he’d been alive up until his spinal column had been severed, which was the last cut that had been made to him. Felix had looked up at the windows surrounding and wondered how these people had slept with all the screaming that had to have happened, except— no tongue. There hadn’t been much screaming for them to hear. Felix hadn’t even learned the man’s name. 

Reyes shoved Felix up against the grimy concrete wall and pierced Felix with his dark eyes. The man’s pupils were blown wider than just sex. He was on something. Felix didn’t know what. “I’m gonna fuck you,” Reyes declared, sounding very confident with the statement. 

“And if I don’t want that?” Felix asked. “I-I propositioned you.”

“Who gives a fuck?” Reyes spat. “All things like you just want to walk away with fingerprints in your blood. You don’t even have a name on you. God, what I wouldn’t give to take you home and tie you to the wall.” The hand went from the back of Felix’s neck to the front, pressing into his jugular. Felix’s eyes went wide and he held to the man’s wrist, trying to pull him away. “I’ll bet no one would bother looking for you. Why else would an Exotic seek someone out? No one gives a shit about you. I could tie you under my house and they’d never find the body.”

Felix had fucked up.

“Let’s get you out of these clothes.” Reyes laughed, sounding like the devil. “Things like you don’t need them. Like you’re pretending to be one of us.” He reached down and took the sweater Felix was wearing by the neck, twisting and tearing the delicate fabric. The cold pervaded instantly and Felix used both hands to try to pull the man’s hand away from his neck. Reyes only laughed and tightened his grip, constricting Felix’s air. 

_”Stop,”_ Felix choked out, scrabbling at Reyes’ arm, digging his nails in. _”I can’t—”_

“I guess I should test out the goods before I buy,” Reyes hummed, like he was fucking window shopping, trying on clothes. His free hand went down to the front of Felix’s pants, squeezing roughly, trying to hurt. Felix twisted harder in his grip, seeing stars from the pain. His side _ached._ “Wouldn’t want to commit to something that’s broken before I’ve even bought it, yeah?” Reyes laughed again. He dug his thumb into Felix’s esophagus and moaned softly at the noise Felix made in his panic. “Of course, maybe broken is the best way for you to be used.”

Felix threw his leg out, connecting hard with Reyes’ knee. The man cried out, his grip loosening enough for Felix to tear his hand away and get out from between Reyes and the wall. But as he turned to run, a hand took him by the leg and pulled hard, throwing Felix to the ground.

“You piece of shit!” Reyes snarled as he straddled Felix’s waist. “Guess I gotta make you mine now in case you end up running away!” He hit Felix square across the jaw with enough force to stun Felix and make him see stars. Reyes took the bottom of the sweater and tore the thing in half down the middle. When Felix tried to raise his hands up in defense, Reyes hit him again, harder. Felix tasted more blood. 

“Gotta make sure no one thinks they can have what’s mine,” Reyes cackled as he pulled a knife from his boot and pinned Felix down with an elbow to the neck. Reyes held the knife like a pen and Felix screamed as the blade was dragged across the soft flesh of his stomach, just beneath the fucking bullet wound. “Look, see?” Reyes said, laughing as he carved into Felix. “You’re damaged goods! You should feel lucky that I still want you!”

Felix sobbed and tried to struggle. He wouldn’t bother screaming for help. No one had helped the bartender, and Cry had been right— no one would pay attention to an Exotic being marked. He should have never come out here. 

“There we go,” Reyes said. “That’s the first letter.” Reyes sat up, his weight lessening. “God, you look better already. I’ll—”

Felix lashed out, kneeing Reyes as hard as he could in the balls. Ryes went limp, howling. Felix’s side burned as he rolled onto his knees and sprinted from the alleyway, blinded by tears of pain and fear. He pushed through the crowd of fucking disgusting people. He didn’t know where he was going and his side hurt so fucking much. He didn’t want to look and see how marred his body was, he just needed to escape. There was a scream behind him, Reyes yelling for his head. Felix blindly turned a corner and was snatched up by hands. He cried out and thrashed, terrified of being caught again, but a hand covered his mouth and he was quieted by the fervent hushing of an old woman. 

“Come here, come here,” she beckoned, pulling him into a dark doorway. Felix didn’t trust her for a fucking second until she said, “Jack has put out an alert. He’s looking for you. Come inside, I’ll bring him here, he’ll come get you.”

Jack’s name tore the fight from Felix’s body. The woman pulled him through the doorway and into a tiny room that was nearly pitch black, until the woman flicked on a light after locking the door. There were quilts piled everywhere in the small room, a bed tucked away in one corner, a kitchen on the other side, and a door that presumably led into the bathroom. Felix huddled in a corner and drew his knees to his chest. He watched blood stain his pants from his side, but still refused to look. Felix struggled to catch his breath, watching the woman shuffle around, mumbling to herself. 

“You’re hurt,” she said. “I don’t have first aid, I’m sorry.”

Felix shook his head. He froze when Reyes’ furious voice passed the door, but didn’t stop. Reyes’ voice faded as quickly as it had come. Still, Felix refused to relax. 

“I don’t know what a boy like you is doing in a place like this,” she said, shaking her head. “Things like you— well, it was very stupid, I’ll say. Jack has been looking for you. I'll reach out to him. My son left his wrist screen with me. He’s away. I’ll reach Jack. He sent out a number, you know. You’re lucky I know morse.”

Felix felt like anything but lucky.

He’d escaped Reyes, but now he was going to face Jack. And he would have whatever is on his side and Jack would see and Reyes had kissed him and touched him and—

“I can’t breathe,” Felix choked out. “I need— alone, I need to be—”

“Go upstairs, sweetie,” she cooed, pointing for the stairs. “It’s cooler up there. Jack will be here when he can.”

Felix fled up the stairs, going through the door he’d thought was a bathroom. The upstairs was barren, just a musty mattress piled in the center, the windows boarded up. It smelled like mold and acid and it was darker than downstairs had been with the lights off, save the colorful neon that shone through the boards.

It was perfect. Felix crouched on the floor, dug his fingers in his hair, and cried. 

He didn’t know how it had all gone so wrong so quickly, but he knew it was his own fault. How was this supposed to help the inevitable coming together of Signe and Jack? Felix had always known it would happen. He shouldn’t have reacted so fucking stupidly. He should have thought twice, should have done better. This was his own fault. Now he had someone’s fucking name or whatever in his stomach and it wasn’t—it wasn’t Jack’s.

But even if Felix only had Jack’s name, what good would it do? Jack would hate the ink. Cry would cut it off. Felix didn’t have anything to himself except to be someone else’s. Maybe he was better off going back to Reyes. Maybe his future after the Chairwoman fell would be being owned. Maybe that… maybe that was the best thing he could do. Just surrender to the way he looked and give up the fight. He was tired. He was so very tired. And once the rebellion had been won, he had no other purpose but to be owned by someone. If he was lucky— which he wasn’t— they’d at least let him keep Seán’s name on his wrist.

Felix didn’t know how long he spent crouched in that dark room, bleeding steadily, but he had to have fallen asleep upright, because he was suddenly startled awake by movement and voices below. Felix wasn’t ready for this. His breathing came tight and fast and he couldn’t get it back to usefulness. He was terrified of seeing Jack again. The way Jack had sunk his teeth into Signe’s neck—

The door burst open and Felix darted across the floor to hit the wall with his back, arms coming up to shield his face. 

“You fucking idiot!” Jack shouted, advancing with fury in his steps and face. “I can’t believe you fucking left! You’re already fucking wounded, you got yourself fucking shot, and now you—”

Jack cut off violently, his next words getting caught in his throat. Felix looked up at him, trembling, completely at Jack’s mercy. He wished he could say he was facing Jack with the same stubborn bravery he’d always had before when deliberately breaking Jack’s rules, but he couldn’t. His side hurt so badly. He couldn’t stop crying. Felix whimpered and looked up at Jack with a ruined expression, tears tracking down his cheeks. He was one broken breath away from begging for help.

Jack’s eyes moved down from Felix’s face to Felix’s side. There was nothing in Jack’s eyes as he went down on his knees in front of Felix. Felix remembered how Jack had held Signe in his lap as he’d fucked her. Jack reached out and Felix pressed himself against the wall to keep Jack from touching him. 

Jack looked up at him, calm as the sea before a storm. “Who did this?”

“I shouldn’t have left,” Felix choked out. “I’m sorry.”

“Who did this to you, Felix?”

“A man.” Felix trembled so hard that it tugged at whatever was written in his skin and the bullet wound. He gasped in pain and bent over, wrapping his arm around his middle. Jack snatched Felix’s arm away and Felix finally saw what was etched into a skin. A jagged, ugly _R_ that was the size of Felix’s palm, just above his hip. Felix shut his eyes. 

“Felix,” Jack called out almost gently. “Who did this?”

Felix opened his eyes, glanced past Jack to see Mark and Sive and Signe standing in the doorway, all wearing expressions of horror. Felix swallowed hard and tried to stop crying because he didn’t cry in front of anyone but Jack. “A man named Reyes,” he said. “He has a tattoo of a sun on his face. I-I went up to him. Asked for it. I shouldn’t have— it was stupid.”

Jack stared into Felix for a long moment, then stood abruptly. He turned to the other three. “You stay here,” he ordered. “Don’t let another damn person touch him. Signe, look him over—”

“I can’t be around her,” Felix blurted out, not looking at anyone. “I can’t— just Mark, please. I’m sorry.”

“Infection—”

 _“Jack, please,”_ Felix begged hoarsely. 

Jack sighed audibly. “… Mark, stay with him. Signe, Sive, stand guard. I’ll be back.”

Jack left, pulling Signe and Sive from the room, leaving Felix along with Mark. Felix choked on the sob that he was trying to keep anyone from hearing and hung his head in his hands. He curled his knees back to his chest and whimpered as the letter stung. Felix hated himself and brought his hand up to dig his fingers into the cuts. Blood sluggishly surged around his fingers. 

“Stop that,” Mark ordered softly, suddenly in front of Felix and pulling his hand away. “God, Felix—”

“This was my fault,” Felix whispered. “My fault.”

“Why did you leave?”

“Signe…”

“Did she say something? Did she hurt you? If Jack knows—”

“Jack fucked her.”

Mark fell silent. After a moment, he said, “I’m so sorry, Felix.”

Felix grimaced and sniffled. “’S fine. I knew it would happen. I should’ve handled it better.”

“Felix, there is no ‘right’ way to handle something like that.”

“And this was okay?” Felix winced as he shifted and stretched out his leg to let Mark see the letter, the awful, ugly thing that was probably going to be with him forever because he couldn’t let Signe touch him and treat him. Mark stared at the letter for a long time, presumably speechless. Felix twisted away from his gaze, unable to handle the scrutiny like he’d thought he could. “I, uh…” Felix didn’t know what to say. Mark was still staring. But it was easier to force himself to calm down in the face of someone who wasn’t Jack. “Whose sweater is this?”

Mark looked up, twisting his brow. “What?”

“Whose sweater am I wearing?” Felix asked, pulling at a torn edge. “I, it’s ruined. I need to give them an apology.” It really was such a nice sweater, soft and well worn, obviously someone’s favorite at one point in time. At first, Felix had thought it was white, but later realized it was tinged with the lightest color of rose. It was a girl’s sweater. His stomach churned at the idea of wearing something of Signe’s. “I just, I don’t know. I fucked up so bad, Mark. I wanna do something right.”

Mark shook his head. “You don’t— it’s Jack’s.”

Felix frowned. Jack didn’t own anything like this. “It isn’t—”

His breath froze in his chest as he looked down at the ruined sweater and suddenly remembered that he’d seen it before and who he’d seen it on.

Allison had been the kindest girl Felix had ever known. She’d been a master seamstress and her favorite thing to learn from Felix were fairytales. She’d loved Jack with all of her heart, had been the best big sister Felix could have ever wanted for Jack. 

Allison had once braved the acid rain for Felix alone. Felix had been new to the family, new to the concept of being loved and wanted. He’d tried to isolate himself from the family so he would be able to ween himself of their kindness and save himself the torture. It had been raining for days. Felix had been holed up in this drowned corner in a broken building. He’d been shivering and waiting for hypothermia to take him. And then, out of nowhere, Allison had crouched into his shitty little hideaway, thrown this exact sweater over his head, and pulled him from the hole to take him home. Jack had been bouncing on his toes in delight at seeing Felix again, and Allison had kept her arm over his shoulder the whole night, like she wanted to hold him in place so he couldn’t run away again. Felix had told himself that he would never forget her.

How could Felix have forgotten her?

“God, Felix, please calm down.”

Felix heaved in a breath and curled in on himself, coughing uncontrollably as the breath suddenly returned to his lungs. Mark’s hands were heavy and warm on his back, a touch that Felix’s brain told him he could trust. He sagged into Mark, hiding his face in his hands again. “I forgot her,” he whispered. “How could I forget her?”

“Forgot who?” Mark asked. “Felix, talk to me. You need to stop keeping shit bottled up, you’re gonna kill yourself.”

“Here’s hoping.”

Mark shook Felix’s shoulder just a little too hard, a punishment for the self deprecation. Felix winced and looked up at the other man, wondering if he looked as much of a mess as he felt. Mark’s expression was full of pity and Felix would normally hate to see that, but it seemed rather appropriate for this. “Did he rape you?” Mark asked suddenly, his voice so gentle. 

Felix shook his head. “He would have but I got him in the balls.”

“Jesus.”

“It’s fine. That— that isn’t what’s fucking me up.”

Mark nodded and looked down to the letter again. “We need to clean that.”

“Let it scar,” Felix bit out. “I deserve it.”

“Felix, that’s not—”

“I did this to myself. I-I’ll probably flay the skin one day, but for now, it’s what I get.”

Mark looked sick. “Please know that I’m going to report back every single insane thing you say to me here to Jack, because he seems like the only person who can break through that thick skull of yours.”

Felix grimaced and nodded. “I don’t blame you.” He needed help. He couldn’t just let this rot in his brain. He needed someone to take him by the neck and force him to look past everything going wrong. “But don’t.” He didn’t want to see Jack. “He’s with Signe. They deserve to be happy.”

“Look, Felix, when I was in the pod with them on the way here, I can tell you that Jack seemed anything but happy with her. I think the only reason Jack brought her along was because he was worried you’re injured.”

That didn’t make sense. “They fucked, Mark. I-I saw it. He was inside her. He m—”

“Stop torturing yourself and listen to me,” Mark pleaded. “He was not happy with her. He couldn’t even stand close to her. Signe wasn’t looking at Jack, she was looking anywhere but. I believe you when you say they were fucking, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t nearly as happy and perfect as you must think it was. I think something happened. They are not together, Felix. Not with the way they were acting.”

Felix refused to let hope flare in his chest. “Just let me lie to myself,” he said. “Please. I can’t risk anything. Fuck, Mark, I feel like I’m hanging off a ledge. _Another man tried to put his name on me._ I’m a fucking object and I can’t do anything about it, and the only person I would ever actually let own me is sickened by the idea. I’ll never be safe from this. I just— please, let me believe what I need to believe before this breaks me.”

Mark looked like he hated the idea more than anything, but he nodded and sat back. He put his arm around Felix’s shoulder. “Where do you think Jack went?”

“I don’t know,” Felix confessed. “He— I couldn’t read him. I don’t know what he was thinking.”

“You didn’t see his face when he left the room. I think he’s going to kill someone, Felix.”

Felix tried to stand. Mark tried to pull him back down. “We can’t let him, Mark.”

“If he’s going after that guy, then he fucking deserves it.”

“We already took down a hub, Jack will be labeled a terrorist.”

“Maybe that’s because he is.”

Felix was horrified by the concept. “Jack’s a good man.”

“Jack’s going to kill the man who did this to you,” Mark said firmly. “And if you didn’t need me here, I would be out there helping him. This shit—” Mark looked down at the letter, cut himself off while he searched for the right words. “This isn’t human, Felix. And I’m not a pacifist. I gave that up when I came to Odin’s Chosen and joined the fight. I am not a pacifist and that man deserves to be punished for this. And I— I fucking care about you, Felix. So I want that man dead.”  
Felix shuddered, overwhelmed. “There’s just so much death already.”

“And there will be a lot more. The body count for the Adleist hub is— it’s not pretty, Felix. But I’m starting to agree with Jack. Heads have to roll for people to listen. There’s no right way to do this sort of thing. There’s only a way that’s more efficient.” Mark paused. “You were shot, Felix. You took the bullet for Jack. You don’t know what that did to him.”

“The last words I heard were—” Felix hesitated. The little girl singing echoed in his head, brown hair and deep eyes. He didn’t know who she was, but she wasn’t the blonde girl from his memories. The vision. She was someone else. Felix didn’t know what to do with realizing that yet another person, who once meant so much to him, was now no one. “The last thing I heard was Jack saying he was going to kill them all.”

“He did,” Mark affirmed quietly. “It was carnage, Felix.”

“Did he get hurt?”

“To be honest, if he did, I don’t think he even felt it through the adrenaline.” Mark grimaced. “I saw him sink his teeth into a man’s throat and tear out his esophagus. He couldn’t use his LAR, you know, he used metal and his hands. He was an actual fucking monsters, Felix. I’ve never seen anything like it. Signe was screaming for him to stop, but he ignored her. He and Cry killed everyone they could get their hands on.”

Felix shuddered. “Cry. Is he really gone?”

“Jack wouldn’t let him follow us,” Mark said. “When you got shot— God, Felix, you were so still. I-I hated it. Jack lost his mind, he made a bloodbath, I had to carry you. Signe got shit off of some of the bodies, kept you alive until we got you back into the West. It took nearly a day. I thought you were going to actually die, Felix.”

“So did I.” Felix looked away. “Would’ve been simpler if I did.”

Mark twisted his hands in his hair. “Jesus christ, I absolutely hate where your head is it, but I can do literally nothing to stop you. Like, if I had had someone pin me down and try to carve their name into me, I’d probably be losing my mind too. This is just so fucked.”

Felix could only nod his agreement. “I don’t want anyone else to die.”

Mark nodded back. “I don’t think we can avoid it. But I’ll do my best to help you.”

“I just—” Felix cut himself off, took in and let out a huge breath. Signe was just beyond that door. “I wish it was me.”

“Wish what was?”

“I wish I was the one Jack had chosen,” Felix confessed in a whisper. “Sometimes, when I hit my head the wrong way, I see this girl. She’s blonde and beautiful and she looks like me. My sister. She would be gorgeous if she’d gotten to grow up. I wish I was her. I was I had been a girl so Jack could have fallen for me instead of her. It’s not his fault that he’s only ever shown an inclination for women. I wish I could be someone else. I wish I could be what he wanted.”

Mark was about to tear his hair out. “It’s not your fault. You’re making it sound like it’s your fault. It’s not.”

“I know it’s not,” Felix replied. “But that can’t stop me from wishing it was different.” He tugged at the ruined sweater. “This used to be his sister’s, you know. I didn’t know he kept it. She was also beautiful, in and out. And his mother, she was beautiful. And Signe. God. They’re all so perfect. I’d put Amy in there, but she’s yours. I just wish— I wish I looked like them so Jack would want me. Soft curves, soft skin, soft eyes. I’m not what he wants and that’s no one’s fault, but it still feels awful. And it’s just one thing on top of everything else that makes this so hard. I know you said that they didn’t look like they liked each other, but I saw what I saw. Jack doesn’t sleep with someone if he doesn’t care about them. And he doesn’t sleep with someone he knows unless he plans to do more with it. He finally made his move. Jack and Signe will end up together. It’s just inevitable.”

“That’s an awful way to think, Felix.”

“But it’s the truth,” Felix replied. “I’m not about to change who I am. I’m Felix, you know? But I wish I wasn’t, just for Jack. I don’t know. If Jack had just loved me…” Felix shut down that thought. “I don’t mean that,” he murmured. “It’s not— it’s not Jack’s fault that this happened. Him not wanting me didn’t make me leave. It was my decision. I can’t— I shouldn’t blame him.”

“I have no idea how to help you,” Mark said. “I know— god, Jack’s the only one who can help you. And he’s not here.”

“I might leave,” Felix replied. “I don’t— I don’t know what I’ll do once this is all over, but Jack’s with Signe, and I— have nothing. I have no one.” He shuddered. “Fuck, Mark, okay. I need to just. I need to compartmentalize. That’s all I’ve done, you know? Just put it all in neat little corners until I can just kinda let it all overflow and kill me. But we’ve got shit to do. I’ve got to put this all aside. Jack will take care of Reyes and then we’ll take out the Chairwoman.”

Mark hesitated. “I don’t think it’s going to be that easy.”

Felix was going to ask what Mark meant when he suddenly heard his name being called from the street. Felix startled, looked to Mark with wide eyes, unsure of what was going on. His name was shouted again, and Felix recognized it as Jack. “What’s happening?”

Mark shook his head, standing and pulling off his jacket, holding it out to Felix. Sive knocked on the door and called for them. “We should find out.” 

Felix took the jacket with a grateful nod and pulled it on, his hands shaking. The letter stung as it was covered. Felix wanted to throw away the ruined sweater, but he couldn’t, out of respect for Allison’s memory and wanting to keep the ruins to apologize to Jack. He didn’t know how Jack had taken care of Reyes so quickly, but he was nervous to see the aftermath. Leaving the room meant Felix had to walk past Signe. She met his eyes, fearless. Felix wondered if she even knew that Felix had seen them. He wondered why she wasn’t gloating. 

The old woman was at the bottom of the stairs with a scarf. “You look like you’re in such a bad way, sweetie.” She wrapped the scarf around Felix’s neck. It was soft like wool, and had tugs in the threading. Handmade, dyed blue. Felix stalled for a moment, feeling the scarf around his neck and finding a comfort in it, grounded by the sensation.

“Thank you,” he told the woman. “So much. You. You saved my life.”

She smiled gently at him, Outside, Jack shouted his name again. “Go on. He needs something of you.”

“What’s your name?” Felix asked.

“Rose.”

Felix’s thoughts hazed over. “That’s a beautiful name. I’ll try not to forget you.”

She only kept smiling and ducked her head, stepping back to let him pass. “Go fight the good fight, sweetie.”

Felix ducked his head, knowing he wasn’t worth much fight at all. He wasn’t sure which hurt more— the letter or the bullet wound. Both had been his fault, but one had been for Jack. At least he could say that.

He stood in front of the door for a moment too long. Sive reached past him, like he thought Felix couldn’t open it on his own. Sive wouldn’t even look him in the eye. Felix shook his head. “I can do it,” he said, voice hoarse. “I can. Sorry.” Sive just nodded and stepped back. Felix took in a deep breath and pushed open the door. 

The neon flooded into the dark room. A crowd stood outside, circling around two men in the centre, one standing, and one on his knees. The acid rain poured down, soaking everyone, making Felix wonder what was so arresting that people would suffer the weather for this. A neon sign flickered to life and Felix could suddenly see who was in the centre.

Jack stood with his LAR in the back of Reyes’ head. 

Felix froze upon seeing Reyes alive, every bone in his body telling him to run. All eyes turned to Felix when Jack looked to him as well. There was a tense moment of silence that permeated the chaos of Hakaragi that left Felix breathless. He could hear his own stuttering heartbeat in his throat.

“Felix,” Jack said, his voice booming. The crowd jumped, watching like they were hypnotized. “Is this him?”

Felix stepped forward, knowing he couldn’t back down from this. He didn’t know why Jack had brought Reyes to him, presented him like some sort of fucked up gift, but he ’wasn’t going to leave Jack to whatever this was alone. “Yeah,” he affirmed, wincing at the sound of his voice being so loud in front of so many strangers. “That, that’s the guy.”

“Reyes,” Jack said slowly, tasting the name with hatred on his tongue. “Isaac Reyes. Peddles low quality drugs and thinks he can just take people for objects. Enjoys Death Gambling and stealing just about anything from anyone that can barely afford the food on their tables.” Jack pressed the LAR muzzle even harder into Reyes’ skull. “You’re a real piece of shit, aren’t you?”

“I didn’t fuckin’ know he was yours,” Reyes defended, submissively on his knees with his hands in the air despite the fight in his tone. “He told me no one owned him! How was I supposed to know?”

 _“Felix can’t be fuckin’ owned,”_ Jack snarled. Felix held his breath, waiting for the sound of the discharge, but Jack didn’t fire. Why hadn’t he fired yet? He was already making a public example, already putting Odin’s Chosen on the forefront. There would be no more hiding for them now. No more anonymity. He was already taking such a risk. Why draw it out?

“He has a bounty,” Jack said, still watching Felix. “Fifty thousand dead, seventy-five thousand alive.”

Felix stared back. “… Okay?”

“I’ve done the research,” Jack continued. “Getting out of here is eighty thousand Merits, but that’s for VIP treatment.”

Felix kept staring. “… I-I’m not—”

“We’re gonna turn him in,” Jack said. “We’re gonna turn him in to the Enforcers, get those Merits, and then get you out of the continent.”

Felix reared back, stunned, unable to believe what Jack was suggesting. 

“I did a lot of thinking,” Jack continued, his voice softening into something sad. “Cry said a lot of shit that I couldn’t ignore. You’ve had all of this, this garbage hanging over yer head that I never knew about. You don’t know what’s gonna happen to ye’ after this is over, and I’m— I may not be the best person for ye’ t’ be around. I always thought you and I would leave this place and live out our lives together, but…” 

Jack shook his head. “You’ve a choice, Felix. I’m not going to kill Reyes. If Reyes, dies, it’s at your hand. But if you don’t kill him, if you let me turn him in, we’ll get ye’ out of here. You’re not meant to be in a place like this. I’ll make sure you get somewhere better. Ye’ don’t belong here, Fe’.”

The way Jack said it, the way he was standing, the way his hand was holding the LAR with a loose enough grip to be careless. He meant it. Every word. He fully intended to let Felix make the decision and had no intention to kill Reyes himself. Felix would applaud Jack's sudden gain of impulse control if he wasn’t suddenly so daunted by the decision before him. 

Felix hated death, he hated every part of it. The loss of life, the loss of memory, the loss of control in the killer hisself. Felix did everything he could to avoid death, whether it be at the hands of him or someone else. He hated when Jack killed, and while he normally would have been proud of Jack for denying himself that infernal rage that plagued his every waking moment since the deaths of his family, Felix was only horrified by the prospect of his choice. Staying with Jack or committing murder. The thought made him want to vomit, made every awful thing that had already happened to him this past day pale in comparison to the choice before him.

Felix suddenly understood. Jack thought Felix would be unable to kill. Jack though Felix would let Reyes be taken in and they’d trade him for the bounty and then Felix would be shipped out of the city before the rebellion was even finished. Jack looked so confident. He looked like he knew he’d already won and he wasn’t happy for it. He looked like he knew he was going to be losing Felix forever.

Felix hadn’t know what was going to happen to him after they defeated the Chairwoman, and here was Jack, handing him a way out, handing him freedom. Even though Felix thought there was nothing beyond the Continent, there wouldn’t be people trying to own him and make him a toy. The unknown would be free for his taking and free for him to bend to his will. He wouldn’t be safe out there, but he wouldn’t be in the Continent either. Jack would be with Signe when this was all over. Felix would be able to find something out there with the name of a person he would never see again permanently inked into his wrist.

_I always thought you and I would leave this place and live out our lives together._

Felix strode forward, took the LAR from Jack’s hand, and shot Reyes between the eyes. The crowd gasped in horror, even Mark let out this sound of shock, and Jack looked to Felix like he didn’t recognize him. 

Despite what Felix had been through today, he kept his expression cool as he put the LAR back into Jack’s hand and said, without a shadow of doubt, “I’m not going to be the one to leave us.”


	11. The Red

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _is that a specified ending chapter length???_
> 
>  
> 
> yes my friends, we are close to the end. technically, this story has only two chapters left, chapters 12 and 14, but there's gonna be a nice little epilogue because the nature of the ending cannot be summarized in the plot arch, but still needs to be there, because there are some truth bombs coming and they're coming down hard. 
> 
> hold on tight, friends. i'm actually writing the last chapter as we speak, so i hope ya'll like it :)
> 
> also **check out dat word count dayum**

Felix refused to talk to anyone after that.

His mind was reeling with the gravity of his decision. For all of his talk of needing a purpose once they had finished, about needing to find something or someone to cling to, about needing to leave Jack to his happy ending with Signe, he’d just stated and acted on the opposite. And he’d declared it in front of the masses, for Signe herself to see. 

Felix could tell his declaration of loyalty had jarred Jack, along with seeing proof of Felix’s willingness to break all of his morality to stay with Jack. Felix wasn’t sure when he’d failed to show Jack that he was just as undyingly loyal to him, but it seemed fitting. As Felix had lost faith in Jack’s dedication to him, Jack had lost his faith in Felix as well. Now they both knew just how wrong they had been.

“My room,” Jack ordered immediately after they got home. Signe made this noise in the back of her throat, reached out to Jack, only for Jack to step just beyond her reach. He’d already done that once before in the pod they’d hijacked home. Felix didn’t know what the fuck was happening there, but his side hurt and he was so fucking tired. There was a song stuck in his head that he’d never heard before. He followed Jack to Jack’s room without question, reserving whatever fight he had left in him for the fight itself. Even after seeing Jack and Signe, Jack was suddenly no longer someone Felix feared to lose, because Jack had always thought they’d grow old together. Felix was going to let himself believe that was true. 

In Jack’s room, the first thing Felix saw was a set of bloodied clothes lied out on Jack’s table at the other end of the room, including Jack’s father’s jacket. Felix grimaced as he recognized them as the clothes Jack had worn when they’d gone to take down the Adleists. 

“You should throw those away,” Felix said thoughtlessly, his arm around his middle. “They’re disgusting.”

Jack looked to the clothes, his gaze almost haunted. “I can’t.”

“Not your father’s jacket,” Felix amended, figuring that was the holdup. “But the rest of it.”

“I can’t,” Jack repeated.

“Why not?” Felix asked with a frown. “It’s all stained. You can’t use it again or anything. It’s just— it’s the blood of the guards, right? Why would you keep them?”

Jack was quiet for a moment. Then, “Some of the blood is yours.”

Felix stared at Jack for a long pause, letting the words sink in. “I’m alive, Jack.”

“You almost weren’t.” Jack shook his head, expression twisted. “Took the fucking bullet for me too. God dammit, Felix, I never asked for that. I never wanted you t’ be the one to suffer like ye’ have. This was never the point. It was never supposed to be you giving yourself up for some bullshit cause. It was supposed to be the opposite.”

“You have to win this fight, Jack, and I’m supposed to help you. No matter the cost.” Felix looked away. “You and Signe—”

“What about her?” Jack asked harshly. 

“You’ll be good together.”

Jack scowled. “Ye’ don’t like her.”

“She doesn’t like me.” Felix tried to smile. “But she’s a good medic and she’s good for you. She’s keeping you going. Keeping you human. She’s just, she’s good for you.” Better than Felix was. But Jack’s scowl deepened and he shook his head.

“Get on the bed, Felix.”

The bed where Jack had taken Signe by the hips and fucked her like he hated himself. Felix grimaced at the sheets. “Did you clean them at least?”

Jack’s scowl morphed to a frown. “What?”

“Did you clean them after Signe?”

Jack’s eyes went wide. “How did you—”

Felix winced, realizing he probably shouldn’t have mentioned it. “I-I may have seen it,” he admitted. “I woke up and went to see you. Mark told me you had something important to tell me. But I guess I didn’t knock loud enough and you didn’t notice I was there. Opened the door and— well, there you both were.” He didn’t think there was any harm in admitting it, so he was stunned when Jack went white and stopped breathing like he should. “Jack, what’s wrong?”

“That’s why you left,” Jack choked out, reaching back to hold himself up on the wall. “It’s my fault.”

Fuck. “It’s not, it’s not,” Felix fibbed, because he really had left for the very reason Jack feared. “Did I freak out? Yes, completely, I’m a bit of a freak regardless, but it totally wasn’t your fault.” He’d have to come up with a lie for why he left since he couldn’t let Jack know it was because of Signe. “I left because I-I was freaking out about myself and getting shot and the, the stranger I’m starting to remember.”

“Jesus christ,” Jack wheezed, recovering slowly. “What the fuck, don’t scare me like that! I’d fuckin’ kill myself if I were the reason you got hurt!” Felix had no idea what to do with that. “Just get on the fuckin’ bed, Felix, I changed the damn sheets. I’m not some fucking rat, living in my own filth.” Jack shook himself, covering his eyes with his hand for a second. When he dropped his hand, it went down to scratch at his wrist. Felix quickly bat that hand away. “Get on the bed,” Jack ordered more firmly. He stopped trying to scratch his wrist immediately.

Felix sat down on the mattress obediently, watching Jack go for the paltry med kit he had tucked away with all the other junk on that table. Felix still wished he would throw away the clothes. The knowledge that Jack kept them just because he couldn’t bare to throw away any part of Felix was— confusing. 

“Take the jacket off,” Jack said. 

“Allison’s sweater.” Felix ducked his head. “It’s ruined. I’m sorry.”

“She can’t give a shit, she’s dead.”

Felix couldn’t argue with that, but he hated it. “You really aren’t doing this for them?”

Jack rolled his eyes. “If ye’ really don’t know why I’m doing all of this shit, then you’re stupider than I thought. Take the jacket off and let me treat this fucking wound. The last thing we want is for it t’ scar.”

“It’s gonna scar,” Felix told him, even as he pulled off Mark’s jacket and peeled back the parts of the mangled sweater that were stuck to his skin from the dried blood. “There’s no way it won’t. The way he cut it was too deep. I’m probably gonna have this forever.”

Jack stared at the letter and looked sick to his stomach. “I wish I could have been the one to kill him.”

“But you didn’t. You gave the choice to me.”

“And I never would have guessed you’d make the decision ye’ did.”

Felix shook his head. “Guess we both underestimated one another.”

“Lay back.”

Felix did, flopping back onto the mattress with a sigh. Jack’s bed really was miles more comfortable than Felix’s. He splayed his arms out, letting himself relax, just a little. Reyes’ letter stung and the bullet wound ached. But Jack was going to take care of him. 

_I always thought you and I would leave this place and live out our lives together._

Felix couldn’t quell the happiness that surged in his chest when he remembered what Jack had said. It felt alarmingly like weakness, letting down his guard at an inopportune moment, but if not now, then never? Jack was going to treat his wounds and Felix had killed Reyes, ensuring that he would never leave Jack’s side. He could allow himself this moment of weakness, if just to bask in the fact that they both wanted the same from the future. Even if Signe wanted Felix to stay away, Felix now doubted that Jack would let her succeed. 

There was the touch of cold antiseptic to the cuts that had Felix hissing through his teeth, knees wanting to come up reflexively to protect himself. But a hand on his right thigh kept his leg down, Jack’s solid weight keeping down the other. Jack was sitting on the bed beside him, leaning over Felix’s chest, pinning him to allow him to work undisturbed. Felix craned his head up, watching Jack. The care he was using when he dabbed at the cut with the torn cloth made Felix’s chest clench. Jack’s tongue was peaking out from between his lips, brow furrowed in concentration. His hand moved up from Felix’s thigh to lie across Felix’s bare torso. His touch was warm in contrast to the antiseptic. Felix fought hard to keep from arching into the touch, wanting the comfort. 

“Y’know,” Jack mumbled, always one to talk while he worked. “All this fuckin’ marking you up shit— it’s all so recent. Like, before all of this started, we hardly ever came across anyone that wanted ye’ like this. But then that fucker with Ken, then Cry, then Reyes. It’s probably my fault, I guess. I started the shit. Started bringing ye’ into the cities more. If you’d just stayed here, at home, ye’ would’ve been safe. No one would’ve touched ye’.”

“Don’t you remember the way Mark looked at me when we first interrogated him?” Felix asked. “Saw my hair and thought I was harmless. Someone would have come along eventually.”

Jack sighed heavily, sounding as tired as Felix felt. “Ye’ wanna know what I’m really mystified by?”

“What’s that?”

The hand left Felix’s stomach to poked at the wire rim on Felix’s nose. “How the fuck yer glasses have survived all of this shit. Those things are frail. Why won’t ye’ let me get you a new pair?”

Felix paused. “… When your father handed me these glasses, I remember thinking that they were the most valuable gift I’d ever been given. The world was a blur before that. I couldn’t see well in the dark or in even in the daylight. I wasn’t safe unless I was hidden away in some tight space. Your father gave me the gift of sight and safety. I could see threats coming. I could just see, Jack. And I know you can probably get different ones, studier ones, but— they wouldn’t be the same as what he gave me. It’s sentimental, I know, but I have so little from my past. Practically nothing. I cling to whatever I have.”

Jack nodded. “Ye’ said you’re remembering someone. Who?”

“I don’t know,” Felix replied honestly. “She’s not like—” Felix cut himself off, readying himself for finally admitting it. “She’s not like my sister. Fanny. Almost positive my sister is named Fanny.” Jack choked on a laugh, desperately trying to keep it down. Felix smacked uselessly at Jack’s shoulder. “The name means something very different in its original English, you jackass. Her names means ‘free.’ Unlike yours.”

“Jack means ‘grace of god’ or something,” Jack replied. “It’s a good name. Means the same thing as the old one, too.”

Felix hummed. “It is a good name.”

“But ye’ said it ain’t Fanny? Who is it?”

“I don’t know,” Felix repeated. “She looks different. She has darker hair. Dark eyes. She liked singing.”

“Does she sing to ye’?”

Felix nodded. “A song I’ve never known before. Kinda strange how that works. Suddenly I have these words stuck in my head that I don’t understand, but I should. It’s like watching your mirror image do something on its own. I’m supposed to know her. It’s obvious she’s familiar to me. But that’s all I know.”

Jack nodded slowly. He finally finished cleaning the letter to his expectations and pulled out a needle and thread. He was going to stitch the wound shut, old school. Felix was surprised because it didn’t seem entirely necessary. Jack really must not want a scar.

“Do ye’ think she’s your lover or something?”

Felix frowned. “Doubtful. I would have known her when I was ten-years-old or less.”

“Could’ve been an arranged thing. She was Philistine, too. Who knows how they worked.”

Felix watched Jack’s face carefully, finding nothing. “Jealous?”

Jack scoffed. The tiniest of grins tugged at his mouth. “Totally, Felix. Look at me, writhing in jealousy. Ye’ killed Reyes, you know. You made your choice. You’re stuck with me. For good.”

Felix couldn’t think of anything better. “Signe’s gonna hate that.”

“Signe will deal with it.”

“People think you’re gonna marry her.”

Jack made a face. “Marriage is a construct.”

Felix choked on a laugh. It tugged at his wounds, made them sting. But the feeling of laughter was almost comforting. Made him feel a little more normal after all of this. “Marriage is a construct,” he agreed. “You’re trying to overthrow the government. Marriage is documentation for said government. Look at you, Jack. Destroying marriage at its core.”

“You know me,” Jack said dryly. “I just love ruining all that’s good in this world. No fun.”

The stitches hurt, Felix had never known them not to. Jack wasn’t exactly the best, but he was better than Signe. He’d been taught to stitch by Allison, when she’d taught him how to mend clothes. Jack hadn’t been eager to learn, until— _What if I told you that knowing how to mend a shirt could save someone you care about?_ Jack had quickly surpassed her. 

Felix hated what had become of the sweater, even if Jack said he didn’t care. “We should get rid of the clothes,” he said. “All of them. Even this one. You… you never really got to bury her.”

“Never got to bury any of them,” Jack murmured, still so acutely concentrated on what he was doing. “Kinda hard t’ tell what was them and what was just rubble. Incendiary bombs are smart, ye’ know. Cremation on the go.”

“Jack, that’s awful.”

“I don’t need to bury them.” Jack finished the last stitch and sat back. Felix made to get up, but Jack put a hand on his chest. “Stay down,” he said. “I just— give me a minute.”

Felix lied still and let Jack look. Those endless blue eyes didn’t move from Felix’s torso, though Felix wasn’t sure if he was looking at the letter or the bullet wound gauze that probably needed to be changed. The white material was now red and dirty. Felix wanted to ask Jack help him change it. He didn’t want Signe near him. 

“Ye’ got shot,” Jack almost whispered. “For me. For me, Felix. That was so fuckin’ stupid of ye’.”

“I had a SHIELD.”

“Don’t fuckin’ lie to me— ye’ knew it was a gun. One of the real ones. One of the ones we can’t defend ourselves against.” Jack shuddered and Felix felt it through the bed. “I look at the world I live in today and then realize that maybe, somehow, this is an improvement t’ how it used to be. They had such scary things. Those guns. The bombs that killed the world itself. And the things ye’ve told me about. I know— I know that what they’re doing is wrong, but in comparison, we might actually be in a kind of utopia.”

Felix grimaced. “That sucks.”

Jack choked on a noise that could have been a laugh. “Yeah, it does.” Jack lied his hand across Felix’s stomach again. Felix didn’t understand why, just did his best to slow his breathing to keep from disturbing Jack, but, “No, don’t,” Jack said. “I just. Breathe, Felix. Just let me feel it.”

Felix found that a little weird, but did as requested, switching back to normal breathing. He’d always thought he breathed wrong. Felix had always breathed from his lungs when everyone around him said that they breathed from their stomachs. He’d quickly tried to fit in, but why the fuck did the way he breathed even matter?

“I could’ve lost ye’,” Jack murmured. “And it would’ve been my own fault. Taking a bullet for me. God, Felix. I never wanted any of this for ye’.”

Felix didn’t know what to say. Jack’s hand felt so good on his skin. It felt almost wrong to take advantage of Jack’s vulnerability for his own gain. And Felix loved the touch on his stomach, getting a pleasure from it that Jack couldn’t consent to giving. So Felix took Jack’s hand from his stomach and twisted Jack’s fingers to circle around his own wrist, letting Jack feel the pulse. “That’s probably a little easier,” he said. 

Jack’s expression twisted. “Do you know?”

“Know what?”

“That I do this.”

“What?”

“I do this. I-I sometimes check t’ make sure you’re sleeping. You’ve always had trouble sleeping. And one night, I came in here and found ye’ on the floor. I’d thought ye’ dead, for a minute. Scrambled to find yer pulse. After that, whenever I check on you, I have to check that too. Just so scared, Felix.” His grip on Felix’s pulse tightened. “Humans are so fragile. We’re so easy to break. I don’t want anything to happen to ye’.”

“I’ll be fine, Jack.”

“Wow, yeah, definitely don’t believe you.” Jack’s expression clouded over. “Felix… there’s something ye’ have t’ know.”

Felix wracked his brain for what it could be and only settled on one thing. “The prophet?”

“What?”

“The head prophet, from the Adleists.”

“What about him?”

Felix hesitated. “He seemed to recognize me.”

Oddly, Jack didn’t seem troubled by this. “Course he did. If you’re of the religious sector and all of them have been working together in destroying us, it makes sense he’d know you. You looked like you were someone prominent. Hell, I’ve been considering ways to capture the Cremator so we can ask her some questions.”

“You wanna ask her about me?”

“Course I do.” Jack frowned to him. “Do ye’ not? I really don’t think ye’ need to be scared of anything.”

Felix wet his lips, nervous. “What if I don’t like who I was?”

“Then we wash our hands and move on. You’re not whoever that person was, Felix. You’re someone else entirely. Someone new. Someone better.” Jack squeezed Felix’s wrist reassuringly. “And I meant it— I’ll grow old with ye’, as dumb as that sounds. I’m not gonna leave ye’.”

Felix stopped breathing for a second. Jack frowned again and Felix wondered if his fucking pulse had tripped over itself. “What did you need to tell me?”

“The prophet,” Jack said, turning back to business. “The Cremator. And the Priest of the Sun. They didn’t do what we thought they would. They didn’t go to the Chairwoman. Didn’t go to the gates, Felix.”

Felix frowned. “Did they regroup somewhere else? To throw off the scent.”

“We thought that, initially, but— Ethan found this thing. Protocol. And it said a lot of shit I wasn’t ready t’ learn.”

Felix grimaced and tried to sit up again. Jack let him. “We’ve got to get to work, don’t we?”

Jack nodded. “I had a debrief scheduled for whenever ye’ woke up. Guess I fucked that up, didn’t I?” Felix didn’t want to give anything else away. “I’ll do it now. Gather everyone in a few hours. But you should rest, Felix.”

“I’m not gonna delay this any more than I already have. Call the meeting now.”

Jack looked stricken. “Felix, please.”

“If they really are following some unknown protocol that has you tilted, then we need to get this over with.” Felix finished sitting up with minor pain and turned to Jack. “We need to finish this, Jack. Just let this be over with.”

Something shifted in Jack’s expression, something tired and old. His weary gaze was fixed on Felix, like Jack was seeing something inside him. Jack heaved a sigh and got up from the bed, pulling Felix up with him. He was still holding onto Felix’s pulse. 

“Everything will be better when this is over,” Jack said, almost like he was making Felix a promise. Felix could only nod and follow Jack from his room after carefully laying down the tattered remains of Allison’s sweater beside Mr. McLoughlin’s bloodstained cloak, and pulling on a shirt of Jack’s to cover the haphazard stitches.

. . .

Seeing Ethan again felt weirdly relieving, especially when the kid’s face lit up in the brightest smile Felix had seen on anyone in ages. Ethan rounded the tin tables with too much energy, reaching Felix’s side in record time and pulling out a chair for him. “Got shot, dude, got fucking shot,” Ethan said, grinning. “Badasses like you should be sitting like a king.”

Felix wanted to argue, but Jack seemed to agree and put his hand on Felix’s shoulder to push him down into the chair. 

“It’s good to see you back on your feet,” Amy said softly from where she stood with Mark. Mark had his hand around her waist and she was leaning into his side. Felix wondered if they’d talked about whatever future they planned to have together, like Felix and Jack just barely had moments ago. He hoped they understood how lucky they were. Felix just sent her a short nod of acknowledgement and then took Ethan by the sleeve to pull him down to sit in the chair next to him. Ethan wouldn’t stop smiling. Felix wondered if the poor kid had been stressed being kept at the sidelines while everything went to shit. It didn’t matter. Felix turned to the head of the tables, where Jack was standing, waiting for everyone’s attention.

“As ye’ all know, the Adleists hub went down beautifully,” Jack began, splaying his hands out on the table like he was steadying himself. “With Felix’s injury and Cry’s psychotic breakdown aside, things went better than expected, considering this was the first time I actually expected a few of us to die.”

“Wait, what happened with Cry?” Felix looked around the table to take in the range of expressions. Even Signe looked rather put off at the mention of the guy’s name. “Did he, like, threaten to cut off my wrist again or did he get a little more original?”

His joke fell flat. Jack looked furious. “He threatened yer fuckin’ wrist?”

“What else did he do, Jack?”

“After you got shot, he basically tried to kidnap you,” Sive said, arms across his chest. “Spouting bullshit about us not being safe for him. I mean, granted, you did take a bullet like a fucking idiot, but I doubt Cry would be any safer for you in comparison. Real piece of work.”

“He had men in the tunnels,” Jack huffed. “They were waiting for us. They tried t’ take you.”

Felix pictured himself, a bleeding rag doll, being pulled between two groups of children screaming “mine, mine!” and almost laughed. Felix shifted in his chair and cleared his throat to cover up the chuckle that almost slipped out. He had a feeling none of the others would appreciate that joke either.

“Jack’s personal body count was probably in the twenties after that shit,” Sive added.

“Jesus christ, he doesn’t need to know that,” Jack snapped, glaring at Sive across the table. 

“Why does it matter?”

“Felix doesn’t like that shit.”

“You fucking made him kill a man in front of a crowd by giving him an impossible choice, and then you get on me for talking about the shit you did because, what? He won’t like it?” Sive shook his head. “You’re fucking crazy, dude. I know Cry is a god damn piece of shit who’d sooner sever Felix’s feet to keep him from running, but I doubt he’d make Felix do his fucking dirty work like you do.”

“Are ye’ saying what I think you’re saying?” Jack asked, low and dangerous.

“I’m saying that Cry raised some really fucking good points back there, and I think they shouldn’t be ignored just because of who was the source.”

“Are we just gonna ignore that I made the decision regardless?” Felix asked, a little wary to raise his voice and bring the attention to him. But he wasn’t about to let Jack be attacked like this. “Look, I fucking—I really hate death. It’s ugly and usually pointless and if we could just do without ever seeing someone die ever again, I’d be happy. But if I had to choose between Jack and killing a hundred more pieces of shit like Reyes, I’d just look for a more efficient way than individual shots. Jack thought I couldn’t do it. He wanted me to leave the continent. He was looking out for me and I was the one that killed Reyes, even though Jack never expected it to happen. So it was completely my own decision. Let’s just— let’s get off Jack’s ass for once and deal with the more important shit, okay?”

Sive grumbled and leaned back in his seat like he wanted to pout. But Jack gave Felix an appreciative dip of his head before relaxing minutely. “After the shit with Felix and Cry,” Jack began again. “We brought down the Adlieists hub and destroyed their archives. To be honest, there wasn’t much in the archives to begin with. Those people— it’s all fake bullshit, as far as I’m concerned. They’ve no lasting gods or prophets. We didn’t get anything useful. But the Cremator’s wrist computer gave us a lot of important information, and some of it… wasn’t what we expected.”

“The three major religions of the continent have been working together with the Chairwoman to systematically select and isolate specific areas of all the districts to bomb them to hell,” Mark droned. “What the hell could be unexpected enough to throw that into commonplace?”

“Robin, Ethan?” Jack took a step back and Robin stepped forward. He nodded to Ethan, who took the cue to push his wrist out into the center of the tables and hit a button, a digital screen being projected into the air, showing a long, wordy document that Felix found a little daunting to look at. A lot of it was blacked out, but not nearly as much as the document that had shown Felix and his sister’s name. Ethan hit a few more buttons on his computer before the document was whittled down to a few specific lines.

“They’re not going to the gates,” Ethan said. “They— this document is protocol. Shit the religious leaders are meant to do should what we have done to them ever happen. We had a small snippet of this before, telling them they were supposed to report to the head of their murderous operation, but we always assumed that to be the Chairwoman. But this document is the full list, the detailed steps, and they don’t go to the gates— they go to Central.”

“What the fuck?” Amy asked. Everyone else who hadn’t already known this was wearing mixed expressions of stunned disbelief. “Why the fuck would they go there?”

“Is the Chairwoman in Central?” Signe asked. 

“As far as we know, the Chairwoman hasn’t left the gates since the uprising,” Robin said, his voice steady. “The religious leaders are reporting to someone named Ofdenson.”

“Wait, _Ofdenson?_ ” Sive repeated incredulously, eyes going wide.

“Do you know him?” Jack asked.

“Dude, he’s the guy that fucking runs Central,” Sive said. “With his precious council of five other moneybags that think they own everything because they actually kinda do. All infrastructure and lawmaking and education and growth. It’s all them, led by Ofdenson. How can you guys not know him?”

“Believe it or not, the other districts don’t give a shit about Central,” Amy said, rolling her eyes. “If anything, we kinda think you guys are full of it.”

“Can’t argue there,” Sive replied. “But Ofdenson is a household name out there. Everyone loves him. He’s the one who’s trying to buy out more of the inner district areas so Central can expand. They can’t keep building up, you know. Not with the carbon ceiling.”

“Wait, they’ve been trying to buy parts of the districts?” Signe asked. “What about the people living in those areas? Do they get to be part of Central?”

“Hell no. Why the hell would they want bad blood in their community? But the rich make babies just as fast as the poor, you know. They ran out of room ages ago, nearly ran out of food because the farmers couldn’t keep up with their demand for higher quality products. It’s why they caused that drought, too. Because they want their personal gardens. They want the shit that hasn’t been grown for years. And they feel like they’re entitled to it. Ofdenson is the one who’s trying to make all their dreams come true. They love the guy.”

“He’s the one the leaders are reporting to,” Jack said slowly. “Do you think Central could be in charge of the bombings in an attempt to clear out areas that can be rebuilt to allow for the displacement of citizens who are forced from the areas that Central plans to purchase?”

Everyone gaped at him.

“Are you telling me this shit is all for real estate?” Mark asked in horror.

“It would make sense,” Jack said, brow furrowed in thought. “Central has nearly unlimited economic resources because they’ve nothing else to spend their money on. They’re destroying the worst areas to make room for better housing to home the people they’re moving. They’ll likely rebuild the areas themselves to make the areas nice and more desirable for those people. And once they’re able to move those people, they’ve not only been able to claim that they’ve been cleaning up the city once they’re done, but they’re also able to have their expansion.”

“That’s disgusting,” Ethan said. 

“It’s Central,” Jack said, like that made sense. “What I want t’ know is how they’ve managed to amass their own private military and how they’ve managed to work all of this. Ye’ can’t just buy parts of the districts. There’s a chain of command. Ye’ can’t just knock shit down.”

“If the Chairwoman isn’t behind all of this, maybe she’s trying to stop them,” Signe suggested. “That’s why it’s taking so long, you know? Central can’t just destroy whatever they want, they have to be smart and secretive about it. Maybe they’re scared of her. Maybe they know she’ll try to stop them.”

The idea that the Chairwoman wasn’t their enemy after all sat sourly in Felix’s chest. They’d had their sights on her for so long. They’d hated her for so long. To suddenly realize they’d been hating the wrong person felt almost like losing a part of himself. And it had to be worse for Jack. Felix glanced to Jack, watching him carefully. Oddly, Jack was thinking well on his feet. He hardly seemed bothered by the concept, and nodded thoughtfully along to what Signe had proposed. 

“It would make sense,” Jack said. “Central has always been a black stain of an enigma. No offense, dude.”

“Man, I fucking left that place for a reason. I say we burn those assholes like they tried to burn us.”

Jack nodded again. “We’re going to Central again. Tyler’s working hard t’ make sure it goes without a hitch. Sive, I want ye’ working with him and Amy. You know the area better than anyone else. And I hope I’m not pressing my luck in hoping ye’ know where Ofdenson and his lackeys might be.”

“Just look for the biggest eyesore in the center of Central,” Sive said. “You can’t miss it if you tried.”

“I want Ethan with us this time,” Jack said. “We’re gonna try t’ get what we can from whatever they have. If this is really about buying specific areas, there’s gotta be a local paper trail. And if the Chairwoman really isn’t the enemy we thought she was, then we can go to her with that proof and maybe have her help in shutting down the shit Central is trying to pull.” Jack paused. “There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, guys. But it’s gonna be dangerous. We know that they have a private militia and they have weapons we aren’t prepared to stand up against. No SHIELD will keep us safe. Can’t even see it coming. This is… this is dangerous.”

“And the last time wasn’t?” Mark raised a brow. “Or do you want to see the bullet wound Felix has?”

“Did you change the bandage?” Signe asked Felix. “And the— the other thing. Did you get that treated?”

“I took care of him,” Jack said before Felix could reply. “But I would like some extra bandages sent to my room if ye’ could. He needs a good shower after what he’s been through.” Jack turned back to everyone else. “Tyler should be ready with our carrier into Central in the next twenty-four hours. Everyone be ready to leave immediately. They’re still reeling from what we’ve done. They know they ain’t untouchable now. But no matter how quickly we move, they’ll be on the top of their guard, so it’s imperative we keep our heads together and be prepared for anything. And just… be ready t’ not come back. Depending on what happens, we may have to bug out. If this really is the end of it, we may be heading to some sort of social or governmental collapse. We just— we have to be ready for anything. Because while they’re not untouchable, neither are we.”

Jack tapped the table a few times. “… I can’t even begin t’ tell ye’ how lucky I feel having all of ye’ at this table after what happened in the East,” he said. “I genuinely thought some of us wouldn’t come back, and I’d been doing that if it had t’ be anyone, it would be me. T’ have all of you here…” Jack glanced to Felix, then quickly looked away. “It’s more than I could have hoped for. And I just wanna say thank you. I know all of ye’ have your own personal reasons for fighting this fight, but ye’ didn’t have to come to me. And I’m glad ye’ did, because we never would have come this far without all of ye’.”

“Awh, you’re gonna make me cry,” Amy drawled with the barest hint of a smile. “Should we hug? Do you want to hug now?”

“Fuck off, I don’t hug.” Jack looked amused, regardless. “And I meant it. Cheesiness aside, I’m grateful to all of ye’ and what you’ve risked in doing this. Each and everyone one of you is vital to what we’ve done and what we aim to achieve. I couldn’t have done this alone. I wouldn’t have survived, whether it be a firefight or my own sanity. And I know that I’ve done some things all of ye’ have found questionable, so I just wanna thank ye’ for sticking through this even when ye had your doubts in me. What we tried t’ do was widely seen as impossible. I can’t say that it ain’t, but we’ve come this far. There’s no reason to quit now. Not when we’ve got the end in sight and within our grasp.”

“Let’s hope this is the last inspirational speech you have to give,” Sive said. “Cause you’re kinda shit at it.”

Ethan snickered. “I don’t think it was that bad.”

“Could’ve done with a bit more poetry,” Mark added. 

“That’s Felix’s forte, not mine.” Jack stepped back, looking around the table. “All of ye’ deserve credit for what’s gonna be done. All of ye’ will be some sort of hero, but not to everyone. We’ve been introduced to an awful grey area. We’ve no idea what the citizens of Central know of the plan, but I’ll bet they’re lending some sort of support, whether it be deliberate or not. There’s a very good chance we’ll be hunted after this. I, uh. I’ve already taken a huge risk with Reyes. My face is like out there. If any of ye’ want t’ cover your faces for this, I’d recommend it.”

“I thought we weren’t supposed to do that,” Signe said. “We’re not doing the wrong thing. We’re not terrorists. Why would we hide?”

“Because Central has it’s own fuckin’ army and this isn’t gonna be as simple as taking down the Chairwoman,” Jack sighed. “Everyone can rally behind taking her down because she’s a singular figure doing something very bad against everyone. But all of Central could very well be wanting that real estate. And they’ve money to put targets on our heads. So hiding your face is the best way to keep yourself safe. It ain’t black and white, good versus evil anymore. There’s a lot more evil than precedented. Now we can only hope we can to outrun them.”

Jack fell silent as this reality occurred to him. “… If any of ye’ wanna bounce out and not go into Central, tell me now.”

No one said anything. They looked around, as if waiting for someone to be the coward. They’d all fought for this. None of them were quitters. Jack sighed heavily when no one spoke up, like he had wished they would. “I wish there was another way—”

“Save it, Jack,” Amy interrupted. “You said it yourself— you couldn’t do this without any of us. And none of us are gonna let you down. You couldn’t get rid of us even if you tried.”

“I would like to suggest that you allow me to administer a painkiller to Felix,” Signe said. “Because you won’t leave him behind. He has a bullet wound and additional untreated lacerations. I just— the painkiller would be small. Localized. It would be good help for mobility.”

Jack frowned. “And what are the side effects?” A good question. Signe would have just administered it on her own if there wasn’t something important about what the painkillers would do. 

Signe hesitated. “They, they might cause fogginess in the head.”

“Jesus christ, we can’t give that to Felix when we’re heading into a fucking firefight.”

“Well, if you were really concerned for his safety, you wouldn’t let him come at all.”

“He has an important reason for going.”

Felix winced. “Maybe she’s right, Jack.”

“What, about the painkiller or leaving you behind?”

“Either.”

“If Felix doesn’t want to go, why the hell are you making him?” Sive asked.

“No, no, I want to go,” Felix said. “None of you know what a fucking gun looks like, and last time, Jack arguably would have come out in a bodybag. But if I’m a hinderance—”

“Felix is coming,” Jack said. Felix knew Jack couldn’t defend why. He couldn’t very well tell everyone about how Felix might be part of the Philistines and that he needed to come along for answers to his past. Only Mark really knew about Felix’s broken head. “Call me an asshole and a bully all ye’ want, I don’t care. But he’s coming.” He turned to Signe. “There has to be some sort of painkiller you can give him the doesn’t have such a side effect.”

Signe helplessly shook her head. 

“A foggy head isn’t that unusual for me,” Felix said, sighing a little. “And I’m guessing I’ll be Ethan’s protection detail? If anything, it’d be best for me to have a foggy head. I won’t go wandering off and having fucking panic attacks.” Felix looked to Signe. “I’ll take the painkiller. It’ll be fine.”

“Oh thank goodness,” she said, outwardly relieved, almost exaggeratedly. Felix frowned mostly to himself, didn’t miss the way Signe was watching Jack from the corner of her eye. She was trying to see what he thought of her. Felix couldn’t understand why. “I’ll bring it downstairs with the bandages. I’ll take care of the wound treatment when you’re done cleaning up.”

“I’ll handle it,” Jack said firmly. “Felix doesn’t like other people touching him.”

Mark coughed across the table like he’d choked on something. Jack scowled at him. Felix couldn’t blame Mark for that reaction. He’d nearly choked on his own tongue as well. That kind of admission— after Jack had just spent time lying his hand on Felix for no reason other than feeling him breathe— it was one hell of a statement. Felix cleared his throat, wanting to break the tension. “Are we ready?” he asked. “Because I really would like to take a shower. I mean, I don’t even know how long I was out.”

“Thirty-seven hours,” Jack replied instantly. “Get to the showers. Everyone else, get packed. We’re making our move the second Tyler says we’ve got what we need. And if you have to, write some goodbyes. I wanna make good with your families if something goes wrong.”

As the others left, milling off on their own, Felix wondered if he should write some sort of letter to Jack.

. . .

Being in the shower after surviving the worst of humanity was almost a religious experience in its own right. 

The systematic cleaning of his limbs and his body and hair and wounds. It almost felt like shedding his skin or breaking out from a cocoon. He hoped that wherever they had to end up fleeing to had some sort of cleaning facility. Felix had long underestimated the good of a decent shower. He tilted his head back into the warm spray and just let himself relax. No one else was in here with him. No one in this place would try to hurt him. He was safe and the water was warm. His wounds stung, but the pain was nothing in comparison to the pain of initially receiving them. And Jack’s stitches, while mediocre, had come with more comfort than just the closing of the cuts. Felix could still feel the touch of his fingertips. He probably shouldn’t be getting them wet, but he didn’t care. Felix was going to sleep for ages after this shower. He was humming a tune, something he barely recognized. 

_I swear he was trying to talk to me, he said “wait, wait.”_

Felix’s clothes were folded up in the next area, all of them clean and new, except for that blue scarf Rose had given him that Felix intended to wear simply for how soft it was and how good it felt to be given a gift. He emerged from the shower refreshed and loose, ready for just about anything but what he actually came upon. As he rounded the concrete wall that sectioned off the communal showers from the rest of the bathroom, he stopped in his tracks at the sound of Jack’s voice. Felix quickly covered up with Jack’s shirt since he didn’t have anything else and readier himself to face Jack entirely naked, but faltered when he heard Signe speaking as well. Neither of them sounded very happy.

“I’ve told ye’, I can clean his injuries just as well as anyone else! You’ve other shit t’ take care of you, you don’t need to do this.”

“I’m the medic, it’s my job to take care of him!”

“If you’re just trying to make up for the shit you pulled by making yourself endeared t’ him, then you can quit now. I ain’t about to let ye’ pull the wool over my eyes again. You can’t fix what you did by going through Felix. Stop fuckin’ using people.”

“Jack, I didn’t—”

“How can ye’ even think that manipulating Felix will help your case? He’s the one thing I don’t want ye’ touching. Even more the me.”

Felix couldn’t handle more. He made a show of moving loudly, hitting the wall just because he didn’t have any better way of alerting them to his presence. He feigned surprise upon seeing both of them, then cleared his throat. “I, uh. Could I have some privacy?”

Signe wouldn’t even look at him. She was looking at Jack like she couldn’t see anything else. She seemed heartbroken. “I’m sorry, Jack,” she said, effectively confirming that she was ignoring Felix. “I never meant to hurt you. I love you.”

Jack’s expression softened at her. “Yeah. I get that.” He glanced to Felix, as if judging the situation. “If ye’ really wanna make it up to me, stop using him.” He pointed directly at Felix. “If ye’ really don’t understand his worth now, we’ve got nothing.”

She nodded, ducking her head, ashamed. “I’m sorry.”

“I heard ye’. Go get ready. I don’t want anyone gettin’ left up shit creek just cause ye’ forewent your responsibilities.”

Signe all but fled the room. Felix almost thought he saw tears.

Felix shifted his weight to the other foot and winced. “Everything okay with her?”

Jack shrugged. Then he said, “Don’t worry about it. Ye’ve got other shit in your plate.”

Felix couldn’t believe he was about to offer fucking relationship counseling for the man he was in love with, but he’d already done about three crazy things in the last three days alone. What was one more? “She really does love you,” Felix said, arguing in her favor because he knew she was what Jack wanted. “And whatever it is, whatever you’re fighting about, it’s not worth it, in the end. The good that comes from you two being together is more than whatever anger you’ve got now.”

Jack grimaced. “If ye’ knew what she’d done, you wouldn’t be saying that.”

“Did she hurt you?”

“Yes,” Jack replied, surprising Felix. “Not like she meant to, not like she stabbed me with a knife, but yes, she did. And knowing you, if ye’ knew? You’d hate her.”

Felix hesitated. “… You’re supposed to be with her, Jack. She’s always cared about you. She’s safe.”

“God, Felix, don’t tell me you’re part of the betting pool.”

“Never,” he denied, shaking his head. “But I’m not blind, either. There’s so little in this world that makes you happy. You trust her.” Felix took in a breath. “Y-you trust her more than anyone else here. Even if you’re hurt now, you know she’s the one who holds your thoughts. Just… if you really think what she did is unforgivable, then I’ve got your back. But I really do think she’s the one who’s going to bring you peace once everything is over.”

Jack stared at Felix for a long time. Then, “Arms up, Felix. I’m gonna re-bandage your shit and get that painkiller in you. Tyler’s got us a way in, we leave in six hours, so you’re getting some sleep and then we’re out.”

He was done talking. Felix could only hope he’d said the right things.


	12. The Clincher

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> crystalized by the xx is the theme of this chapter for the good ol' felix and jack feels go give it a listen
> 
> i just finished the ending and i'm onto the epilogue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111!!!11!1!11!!!!
> 
> next chap is 12k compared to this 11k all bets are off for the epilogue

Central seemed so much less hopeful with what they now knew. If all of this suffering, all of this death, had really just been a play for expansion, then the bright lights and art of Central seemed more like spoiled fruit than anything else. Even the path they were taking to walk through Central, under the guise of being just like everyone else, would have once captivated Felix. Their footsteps were lit up with bright colors that blossomed out from their feet like the ripples of water. Felix had once thought this feature was beautiful. Now he just sort of hated it, hated the wastefulness of it, hated that these people had so much fucking money that they would fund the deaths of thousands just because they wanted to extend their psychedelic walkways. 

As Felix looked around Central, where he once saw beauty, all he saw was wasted space. Huge areas dedicated to recreation and false plant life, stretches of land meant only for pieces of art. These people could have turned these area into residentials. Instead, they wanted to spread out rather than make use of what they already had. Felix knew that this was exactly what the world before theirs had been guilty of. He was beginning to realize that this part of humanity wasn’t learned. It was just part of their nature. He wondered if suffering was required to not become fucking assholes like these people. 

“Do you think they know your face?” Felix asked Jack, who was second lead for the group. 

“Not sure,” Jack replied, tapping through the screen on the wrist computer Robin had given him for additional navigation. “They probably should.”

“Did you think making Reyes’ execution public would keep me from doing it?” Felix frowned. “It was a risk. A huge risk. Enforcers could have been called and shown up. You could have gotten yourself killed.”

“To be honest, I really didn’t think you would do it.”

“Did you really think you weren’t worth the risk to me?”

“Truthfully?” Jack glanced to him, mouth twisted. “I did.”

“You’re an idiot, Jack.”

“I have never claimed to be otherwise.”

“Both of you are idiots,” Sive griped from ahead. “Jesus christ, public execution, trying to get Felix to ditch. Everyone knows there’s nothing outside the continent. You’d be sending him to his death, Jack.”

“Like it’s actually any safer in here.” Jack looked up from the computer, nodding at the building they were walking towards. “Are ye’ sure we’re able to get in?”

“It’s public access,” Sive replied. “They’re all about being open information to their citizens. And since they don’t think anyone that’s not a Central citizen can get in, they don’t think they’ve got anything to worry about when it comes to keeping anyone specific out. Not many people have a professional smuggler on their list of employees, you know?”

“God bless Tyler,” Ethan said from beside Felix. He was looking around in a daze, still enchanted by the lights in a way Felix now envied. “Man, I always wished I could have grown up here. I think my mother would have loved it.” At Felix’s other side, Mark winced. “She had a thing for color. She used to barter for dyes and stuff to make our clothes _pop._ That’s what she would say. Make it pop, Ethan.”

“It ain’t all good,” Sive said. “There’s a lot of bad shit you don’t see. The police force isn’t government, it’s privately owned. If you pissed off the wrong person, no one would be there to protect you. And if you didn’t have a way out of Central— which let me tell you, is incredibly difficult— then you were as good as dead. Or worse.”

Ethan’s face fell. “Ah, well. All that glitters isn’t gold. My mom would say that too.”

“That specific wording of that phrase is from Shakespeare,” Felix said offhandedly, meaning to distract Ethan. “One of the earliest forms was in Latin. _Non omne quod nitet aurum est._ ”

“Holy shit, what’s Latin?” Ethan asked. 

“One of the older languages of the world,” Felix replied. “It’s an origin language for English, along with several other Romantic languages.”

“Our language is romantic?”

“No, Romantic,” Felix corrected, pleased he’d gotten Ethan to think about something else. “Meaning it derived from the languages of the ancient Romans, which was Latin. There was a lot of misconception about Latin, and it was also a dead language, meaning no country had it as its primary language. No one spoke it for conversation or practical use after a while.”

“And who were the Romans?” Amy asked. 

“One of many different empires,” Felix said. “They conquered a good portion of the world at one point. They were also engineer pioneers. Aqueducts, archway design for holding up structures, coliseums. Their roadwork was fantastic and they made hundreds of thousands of official roads. It’s where we got the saying ‘all roads lead to Rome.’”

“I’ve never heard that,” Amy said.

“Me neither,” Signe added. 

“Doesn’t matter,” Felix replied. “They don’t lead to Rome anymore.”

“How? Did they get destroyed?” Ethan asked. 

“Roads can’t survive the end of the world.”

“Do we just walk in?” Jack asked Sive, obviously nervous about not being in the front. At least he wasn’t telling Felix to shut up. He didn’t really appreciate Felix distracting people with his random knowledge when they were supposed to be focused on a life-or-death situation. Felix could understand that, but he also knew Ethan was the kind of kid who could worry himself pretty quickly into the death part of those scenarios. 

“We just walk in,” Sive said patiently. “You’re gonna get a weird smile from some pretty lady that’s supposed to exude swanky richness and then we’re gonna get to the elevator and Ethan’s gonna work his magic on the control panel to get us up into the top levels.”

“Even though we’ll likely get shot at, this is considerably better than the last time we were here,” Signe commented. 

“Last time wasn’t bad,” Ethan said. “Or, wait. Oh. Yeah, it was.”

“Last time was fine,” Jack said stiffly. “Felix did what he had t’ do to get us what we needed. We couldn’t have come this far without the credentials.” Jack was staring up warily at the tall building in front of them, which allowed Felix a moment to stare at Jack. It seemed almost like growth to have Jack talk about that without getting angry. Maybe because he knew that Felix simply moving suggestively through some club and pretending to hook up with a guy wasn’t the worst thing Felix could be doing. “Eyes up,” Jack told everyone. “Notice anything?”

The building was huge, nearly breaching the ten-kilometre-ceiling, jutting so far into the false sky that pods were forced to navigate their paths around it. Central really didn’t give a shit about adhering to the rules. The building was a tower, a spire reaching high. Felix went through the images in his head and found the closest one— the Ryugyong Hotel in North Korea, except taller and with glass that reflected faces and words and images rather than the world around it. The only part that wasn’t covered in screens was the very top, the final ten floors that were surrounded by strong steel. Felix frowned. 

“There’s probably no way out if we start a firefight,” Felix said. “They’ll shut down the elevators.”

“Good eye, Felix,” Jack replied. “He’s right. Our original plan was t’ get shit done, take out who we need to, learn what we can, and then get back down via the same elevators. But it’s starting to look like they’ll have failsafes to keep anyone from getting out. What else do ye’ see?”

“There are lights shining on the top levels,” Ethan observed. Flood lights were trained on the steel. “They would probably spot us scaling any walls.”

“Pods are just flying by like it’s nothing,” Amy added. “Maybe we can use that?”

“My thoughts exactly.” Jack pressed a finger to his ear and Felix’s mind was flooded with Jack’s voice, distorted and all too close. “Robin, I need ye’ to get in contact with Tyler and see if he can get someone to stall up top for us.” He dropped his hand. “Being that high up, that close t’ the carbon— they’ve got t’ have some sort of equipment up there to filter the air, yeah? Something we can fuck up. Make a hole in a wall.”

“That’s a big maybe, Jack,” Felix warned.

“If they’ve got a failsafe that locks everything up, then they’ve also got to have escape routes.” Amy craned her neck like she was looking for a better angle. “See, the thing is— buildings like this, with high profile subjects? They’re probably just like the gates. And all of the gates have specialized rooms at the top. Supplies are stored, rooms that have strong locks, even some livable spaces if they’ve got to stay up there a long time. And they’ve also got pods of their own. Small ones, not meant for cargo but more so people. Those rooms are never officially listed on any sort fo architectural planning, but they’re always measured in the budget. There’s probably a pod up there. Can anyone fly?”

Mark’s hand shot up. After a moment, he looked around and frowned when he saw no one else had raised their hand. “Wait, really, Amy? We’re supposed to know this stuff.”

“My dad was disavowed before I got the chance to learn.”

“Looks like you’re our pilot, Mark,” Jack said. “But this plan is just as much of an if as the other. I want Tyler t’ have someone up there regardless.”

 _”He’ll get someone,”_ Robin said, his voice filtering through Felix’s ear, standing apart from Jack’s voice and making him grimace. _”Ethan might also be able to break the failsafe, too. But if you want him mainly on the elevators up and information retrieval, you should let him focus on those tasks. And what we’ll want will be at Ofdenson’s desk. That’s likely gonna be a populated area.”_

“What are you trying to say?” Signe asked cautiously.

_“I’m saying that people are gonna leave this place in bodybags no matter what. Just make sure it’s none of you.”_

A solemn silence fell over everyone in the group, save Jack. His eyes were still above, looking for something. Probably a more reliable escape route. Because while everyone else would be concerned with the possibility of dying, Jack would be the one to actively avoid it. But in the end, he looked away with an unhappy expression. There was no sure escape. They would be flying blind. “Change of priorities,” Jack said. “Protect Ethan, Signe, and Mark above all others.”

“I can take care of myself,” Mark said.

“Y’know, that’s exactly what Felix said,” Jack replied, rolling his eyes. “Now his torso’s comfortably numb because he’s got a fuckin’ gunshot wound. This ain’t the time for pride. You’re our way out, if it comes to it. You’re the only person who can fly.” He nodded straight ahead, down the lifted walkway that led to the entrance into the building. Felix saw a sign calling it _Continental Community Convergence._ Apparently, Central felt themselves to be the backbone of society as a whole. 

“I don’t want any of ye’ to get the wrong impression,” he said. “We’re here to kill someone. Hopefully the jackass who has been behind everything, hopefully Ofdenson. It ain’t gonna be a public execution. It ain’t gonna be a statement. But if this guy is running shit like we think, then taking him down should cause an upheaval that will allow the Chairwoman time to regain control over these fuckers. But please know— some of them are dying. Probably even the religious heads. But do not kill the Cremator.”

There was a low ripple of surprise that Felix did his best to mimic. “Not the Cremator?” Sive repeated. “What, do you think she’s innocent in all of this?”

“Hardly,” Jack said. “But I’ve questions for her.”

“Looking to convert, Jack?”

“We don’t kill the Cremator,” Jack repeated. “Understand?”

Everyone looked hesitant to agree. “Just give us a good reason, Jack,” Signe pleaded gently, like she thought she could be the voice of reason, to coax out a response. “We don’t— we’ve been fighting these people for so long. To suddenly just say one is off limits is a little strange.”

“She knows more than she’s let on,” Jack said. “She’s been a part of this forever. She’s also the only sympathetic person we’ve found. I have questions for her about my family.”

“Shit, when you put it that way.” Sive sighed. “Fine. Cremator lives. But we can’t bring her with.”

“I’m not saying she lives the whole time either,” Jack said. “Depending on what she says, she may be just as guilty as the rest of them. But I gotta talk to her first, okay? Just let me get some information out of her that I don’t think we’re gonna find in any computer.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Mark said. “And don’t get myself killed, right?”

“Fucking hell, _none of you get killed._ For fuck’s sake, do I have t’ make your own life a priority to you?” Jack paused, then narrowed his eyes at Felix and pointed an accusing finger in his direction. “You. You always ignore my orders. Your life is your priority. Above all else. I’m saying it publicly now, yeah? Fuckin’ listen to me.”

“Yes sir,” Felix said with no bite. Jack still scowled. 

“For any of ye’,” Jack continued. “If it comes down between getting what we need and saving your own skin, _you save your fuckin’ skin._ ”

Ethan gave a snappish salute, clicked his heels, and grinned. “I like this,” he said. “I know it’s scary and shit, but I want to just point out that the only time I wasn’t personally on one of these things, Felix nearly died and Jack went insane. I figure I’m your guys’ good luck charm!”

Felix almost wanted to laugh at the wilting look Jack shot in Ethan’s direction. “Felix, you’re his protection detail again,” Jack huffed. “Keep an eye on him. Make sure he doesn’t run off.”

“Don’t trigger another mental breakdown,” Felix added. “Got it.”

“Yeah, that.” Jack took one last moment. “Anyone got any rousing words of encouragement? As ye’ve all made clear, my speeches apparently suck. I’ll open the floor.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Amy said.

“No one gives better speeches than you, Jack,” Signe told him with a smile. 

Jack ignored her, raising a brow at Felix.

Felix faltered, wracked his brain, and, _“‘You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You’re able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes alone.’”_

“Oh wow.” Mark looked a little impressed. “Who said that?”

“Eleanor Roosevelt.”

“Who was she?”

“Longest running First Lady of the United States,” Felix intoned. “A huge human rights influencer. Very active for encouraging immigration of refugees from the Nazis during World War II.”

“World War _two?_ ” Ethan repeated incredulously.

“Nazis?” Signe made a face. “That’s a weird word.”

“Good try anyways, Felix,” Sive said, shaking his head. “Maybe it works better without the added history lesson.”

 _“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference,”_ Jack recited. Felix had to duck his head to keep anyone from seeing how he smiled to himself. “No one else is choosing t’ do the right thing. Let’s make the decision for them.”

“Aggressive correction!” Ethan cheered. He booted up his computer, then tapped at a few things, mumbling to himself. Felix really wished he’d taken the time to learn how those worked. “Good news, guys, most of the upper access is controlled on the panel in the elevator. I’m ready as I’ll ever be.”

Jack looked to Sive. “Anything we should do?”

“Pretend you’re rich,” Sive replied. “And, uh— well, I mean, Felix should have a collar.”

Jack’s expression washed over. There was a tense moment between them. Then, “If anyone asks, he’s mine again. No way around it.”

“No one will ask,” Sive said. “Just be sure he stands a step behind you. You’ll probably see quite a few more like him in there, so Felix, just do as they do. It’s pretty easy. Don’t make eye contact and don’t speak out of turn. If you do, Jack’s probably gonna have to punish you.”

Felix almost laughed. “That’s great.”

Jack scowled. “What else? Do I have t’ kiss him?”

Signe sputtered unhappily behind Jack and Mark flailed his hands in Felix’s field of view. Sive snickered. “Dude, not everyone uses Exotics for sex. Like, yeah, that’s probably the appeal, but he could be your nanny or something. I’ve heard an Exotic’s bedside manner is stellar.”

“I’d be a great nanny,” Felix said. “I know so much poetry.”

“You’d put any child right to sleep,” Mark agreed.

“Get behind me, Felix,” Jack ordered. “Head… head down. Don’t make eye contact, don’t speak if anyone talks to ye’. Just— _fuck._ ” He looked unhappier than Felix. Then he reached down to his belt that was around his waist, undoing the buckle. “I don’t want anyone thinkin’ anything,” he told Felix as he cut the faux leather with a knife he had tucked in the back of his shoe. Felix’s eyes went wide as he understood what Jack was doing. Jack wrapped the smaller section of the belt around Felix’s neck, fixed in a hole when he found at a length down the belt that wouldn’t choke Felix. He’d made Felix a fucking collar. “I don’t want what happened with Ken and Reyes t’ happen again,” Jack said, looking pained. “I’m sorry.”

Felix brought his fingers up to the collar, brushing the material with his fingertips. “Kinky,” he deadpanned. “Probably looks like shit.”

“I’m countin’ on no one being dumb enough t’ get close enough t’ really look.” Jack stared at the shitty collar for a long minute. “Okay,” he said after he’d had his moment. “Ready. Let’s go.”

Jack stepped away just in time for Felix to see the look of absolute disdain Signe was giving him. Felix almost laughed again. She was jealous of a fucking collar. If that didn’t describe how very little Signe understood of the way this world worked, then nothing else would. Felix tapped the side of the belt. It wasn’t very uncomfortable, but he’d definitely be taking it off as soon as he could. “Should have left me behind,” Felix almost sang, more entertained in reminding Jack than actually wanting to convince him at this point. Jack ignored him and started heading for building, the Central Committee Convergence. The CCC. 

As they walked into the building, Felix bowed his head and busied himself in listing all the other meanings for the acronym that he knew. Criminal Code of Canada, Chinese Control Conference, Cardiff County Council, Combined Command Center, Close Circuit Camera, Corruption and Crime Commission. Casino Control Commission. There were so fucking many that Felix quickly grew bored of listing them all. Instead, he looked at the floor. 

It was marble. Judging by the land Central used to be on, he would say it was Ruskeala marble, a white marble from the Republic of Karelia. It was genuinely beautiful, veins of pure white among the creamier white, and Felix was sure it would be cool to the touch. There was air conditioning in this place, disturbing Felix’s hair. His gaze went from the marble to the back of Jack’s boots. He saw bloodstains, just barely at the bottoms. He wondered if they were recent. 

Felix touched the collar around his throat and had to fight a smile again. His brain was officially twisted at the edges, beyond repair. He wanted to be owned by Jack. How horrible was that? He knew this happened with most people that were labelled Exotics. They got tired of trying to fight what people said they were and just filled the roll. The idea had occurred to Felix the other day, until Jack had told him he intended to keep Felix. Maybe Felix would be able to convince Jack to just accept the name Felix already had on his wrist and let him be owned. 

Of course, Signe still wouldn’t like that. But it wasn’t like Felix would have to serve Jack. He’d just play the part around people who could be a threat. Jack was going to be a known criminal by the end of this. No one would fuck with him, meaning no one would fuck with Felix. It was just the most logical way to protect himself. 

Jack suddenly stopped and Felix nearly walked into him. He stumbled a little in his haste to cease momentum. Jack reached back and steadied Felix with a hand on Felix’s stomach. Felix kept his head down. Jack’s hand went from splayed on Felix’s stomach— which had Felix holding his breath because for some reason he didn’t want Jack to feel any fat on his body— to tug at the front of his shirt, pulling him forward. The marble changed color. They were in the elevator. 

“How long have you had him?”

It wasn’t a voice Felix recognized, meaning they weren’t alone in the elevator. It was woman, rather old, or a smoker. Fuck, Felix had forgotten his smokes. He only had two left. He heard Signe clear her throat uncomfortably. Jack took a step back, which Felix followed, but Felix hit a wall, so Jack just ended up standing very close to him. Felix realized it was like he was being the shield Felix had been before. 

“He’s a family thing,” Sive said. “Passed down parents and all that.”

“Loyal blood. That’s a good one you’ve got there. He good with children?”

“Stellar,” Jack bit out. Felix bit hard into his lip to keep from laughing. He didn’t know why he found this so funny. Maybe it was the stress finally culminating to a boiling point. 

“What’s his collar made of?”

“His grandfather.”

Felix’s lungs lurched in his body with the effort he was putting into not busting out laughing. He’d never heard Jack so hilariously pissed off. Whoever was in the elevator with them finally caught on and shut up. Felix almost felt bad for the woman. 

She got off on whatever floor they stalled at. 

“You’re good, Fe’.”

Felix stretched his neck and shoulders, groaning softly in relief. “The floor is really fucking boring after a while,” he said to no one in particular. Beside him, Ethan grinned. “Do you have any idea how many different things have the acronym C-C-C?”

“How many?” Amy asked, voice gentle. She probably thought Felix was shaken over what had happened. At this point, Felix was just loving the face he imagined that woman had been wearing.

“Way more than I can count.” Felix looked to Jack, taking in his tense stance. “My grandfather? Really?”

Jack shrugged, mouth in a downturned line. “Couldn’t think of anything else. She was a cunt. Looked like she saw you as a fuckin’ desk. Good with children. Should’ve told her we feed ye’ babies and let ye’ sharpen your teeth on ankle bones.”

Felix had to shut his eyes and recenter before he lost his shit and cackled. “I have no idea why this is so funny to me.”

Jack scowled. “Ethan, get t’ work.”

Ethan jumped, then went to the control panel that held the buttons for the floor, and slapped the emergency stop button. Ethan took Jack’s knife from the back of Jack’s shoe without asking. He used the edge of the blade to undo the screws, and then pulled back the control panel, exposing a myriad of wires. Ethan’s tongue peaked out in concentration as he looked over the wires. Then he cut three of them with more confidence than Felix could ever have.

“Took out the alarm,” Ethan explained. “So we shouldn’t be expected anywhere and they won’t send maintenance. Plus, they would have shut down the lights in here. Wouldn’t want that.” He cut two more wires, shocked himself on the edges, cursed a little under his breath as he rolled them together and slid them into another port. Felix felt like he was watching a witch doctor. Ethan looked back to his computer, looked to a number on the inside of the panel, pressed a few buttons, and then the elevator lurched, before steadily climbing upwards. “Hacking complete,” Ethan said in an exaggerated, deep voice. “I’m in.”

“Impressive,” Jack drawled. “How far up do we go?”

“Well, this place is about one thousand three hundred seventy two kilometers high,” Ethan said. “Where we’re going is the top twenty levels, and those levels are about five kilometers high each because they love their tall ceilings. So we’ve got about twelve hundred meters to climb, with this elevator going about ten kilometers per hour, should take about seven minutes.”

Mark groaned unhappily and Signe fidgeted, eyes darting around. “I don’t like small spaces,” she suddenly said, which was something she probably should have told them before they got in this elevator. “I think I’m gonna stop breathing.”

“I can turn up the ventilation,” Ethan offered. “Maybe you can breathe a little easier.”

“I’m feeling dizzy,” she complained.

“It’ll pass,” Felix said. “Just look at the floor. If you can’t see the walls, you won’t know how close they are.”

Signe made a face at him, but did turn her gaze to the floor. Her hand went up to feel at her neck. Felix wondered if she was looking for a collar like Felix’s. Jesus christ, that couldn’t be right. She couldn’t be as crazy as him. Why hadn’t Felix taken off his own collar yet? He glanced to Jack and saw Jack was staring at the ruined belt. Felix wet his lips and offered, “Do you want it back?”

“My waist ain’t that tiny.” Jack grimaced. “Take it off.”

“Like I said— kinky.” Felix undid the buckle and took off the collar. Then, to be a piece of shit, he held it out in Signe’s field of vision. “Want it?” Signe curled her lip up at him and Felix just shrugged. “You’d seemed jealous, was all.”

“Felix,” Jack sighed, sounding disappointed. 

“She did,” Felix defended, dropping the collar to the floor because he wasn’t about to keep it and test Jack. “No harm in it, I guess. If she wants it, she can have it. Not like you like it on me. Maybe it’d be better on her.”

Jack looked like he wanted to hit him. Felix winced and kicked the collar away. “Sorry,” he said. “Just kinda weird to wear it.”

“Don’t be a fuckin’ asshole,” Jack said. He picked up the collar and wedged it into his back pocket.

A tense silence fell over the elevator, before Mark said, “So are your pants just gonna fall down in the middle of this or do we have some sort of contingency plan for a wardrobe malfunction?”

“Should probably just take ‘em off and save myself the trouble,” Jack snorted, actually continuing the joke. “That would really strike fear into their hearts, yeah? A fuckin’ psycho with a LAR in his undies. Imagine the names I’ll get then.”

“Pretty sure most people would spend their time trying to calculate the size of your dick rather than name you for it,” Ethan giggled. 

“It’s nothing to scoff at,” Signe said matter-of-factly. Felix narrowed his eyes at the ceiling. _That fucking bitch._ Jack grimaced and leaned against the nearest wall, obviously unhappy with her statement. That awkwardness came over everyone again. Leave it to Signe to ruin their pleasant mood before they were about to die. Felix had just wanted the hint of a laugh again. Now he was reminded of the fact that she’d fucking fucked Jack. 

“Look, I didn’t want to ask, cause of everything with Felix, but—” Sive hesitated. “I mean, are you guys, like… Are you an item now?”

“Yes,” Signe said.

“No,” Jack said.

Everyone went silent again. Felix glanced around. Mark was the funniest reaction of them all. He looked like his parents were fighting in front of him at the dinner table. 

“We’re working on it,” Signe amended, trying to save face.

“We ain’t,” Jack said. “It’s a no.”

“Jack,” Signe began, but Jack cut her off with a sharp look. Ethan cleared his throat awkwardly as the elevator lurched tellingly.

“Less than a minute,” Ethan told them. “Anyone got any last words?”

“I will never be yours,” Jack told Signe. “Give it up.”

“Oh boy, that’s heavy,” Ethan murmured. 

“You fucked it up and ye’ fucked it up again before we left,” Jack said. “I may be a good person, but I ain’t fuckin’ stupid. I will not keep giving you chances. You have nothing with me. Start looking somewhere else, because I know you just see people as cards t’ collect. You will never have me.” Jack turned on his heel to face the elevator doors.

The doors swung open and Jack stared down an assembly of soldiers with stars on their chests alone. 

Felix immediately stepped forward, taking Jack by the wrist and tugging him back, feeling the SHIELD tug at his skin as he stood in front. He didn’t see anything other than standard issue LAR and was fifty percent sure that he wouldn’t die this time. And to be honest, staring down the barrel of a gun after already dying once wasn’t nearly as terrifying the second time around. 

“Holy shit,” Ethan wheezed, ten seconds away from a panic attack. 

The soldiers didn’t move, their sights trained on each person in the elevator, silent statues of absolute fucking death. Felix didn’t know how they had known they were coming up, but there was nothing they could do now.

“Welcome to the CCC Tower,” came a voice, haughty and wobbling at the edges. “We’ve been expecting the lot of you. Didn’t think you’d waltz into our hands like this, but I must admit, I am glad you saved me the trouble of hunting you down, one by one. Showing your face in public right before waging an assault is ill advised, though it turned out to be in my own benefit.”

The soldiers moved aside, almost robotic in their movements, to reveal an old man. His was balding with wisps of white hair clinging to his temples, standing out against his dark skin. He was dressed in stiff clothes, light blue and almost pleasant, reminiscent of Indian robes that Felix couldn’t remember the names of because they were probably about to be executed. 

“My name is Gilbert Ofdenson, and I—”

Ofdenson was cut off by a punched out giggle from Mark, who somehow looked terrified even as he tried not to laugh. “I am so sorry,” Mark choked out, terrified in his immaturity. “Please don’t kill me for this.”

Ofdenson narrowed his eyes. “Mr. Fischbach, I am sure you’re aware of the situation you’ve put your father in. Don’t make this any worse for you, or your mother.” Mark sobered quickly. “And who else do we have? I know Mr. Osman and Mrs. Nelson, and I saw some of your faces but the names for the rest of you…” His eyes trailed over Felix like he was anyone else. Thank god. “Well, I would appreciate some titles.”

“You’ll pry my name from my cold, dead hands,” Ethan said in a trembling voice. 

“At least step out of my elevator,” Ofdenson sighed. “This machinery is a mess to repair.” He waved three fingers in the air and soldiers stepped back, giving them room to leave the cramped space. Signe didn’t seem as relieved as she would have been before. “My men won’t shoot unless I tell them to, so feel free to act out however you’d like,” he told them pleasantly. “You won’t get far. Rebels aren’t immortal to a free fall.”

Jack took Felix by the shoulder and tugged him back, leveling Felix with a glare to make sure he didn’t try to step in a bullet’s path again. “Ye’ve got us,” Jack drawled, sounding far more confident than Felix had expected he could. Felix was glad Jack was the one they could call their leader. He had the best poker face, even when staring down death. “What do ye’ intend to do? Make it public? Make a statement? Wouldn’t look good if we were thrashing on our ways t’ the noose. Ye’ wouldn’t look very strong without our cooperation. ”

“Do you wish to make some sort of deal?” Ofdenson asked with a raised brow. “To be truthful, I’ve no idea what to do with you. Never expected to have a bunch of children rising up to me like they think themselves somehow superior.”

“Morally, yeah,” Jack affirmed casually. Ofdenson led them through the extravagant area, a huge, open room with deep colors and rich furniture. Felix was sure this place could be described as “the lap of luxury.” It was almost excessive. “All I want t’ say is that ye’ can’t kill an idea with a person. But I can kill it on my own for ye’.” Felix’s brow furrowed as he tried to figure out just what the fuck Jack was trying to suggest.

Ofdenson led them in front of a long row of luxurious sofas that were blocky and minimalistic. He waved for them to sit, but his eyes were on Jack. Everyone sat obediently, except for Jack, so Felix forwent the request and stood with Jack. Ofdenson narrowed his eyes at Felix for only a moment. His attention was still, worryingly, on Jack. “What are you trying to suggest, sir?”

“Jack,” Jack replied. “And you’re right—I want a deal.”

“Dude, what?” Sive sounded alarmed. “Selling out?”

“Selling out,” Ofdenson repeated. “What for what?”

“You let me tell everyone the shit I preached was false, kill the idea, and then you kill me. But you let the rest of them go.”

Felix’s heart stopped. But he was not surprised.

Ofdenson paused, before throwing his head back in bellowing laughter. “Mr. Jack! I wouldn’t usually say something like that, but _the balls on you, kid._ I used to feel a little embarrassed for being so blindsided by your almost militaristic advances, but now I can see that you are, to your own right, formidable. Makes me feel a little better for being outsmarted. Up until this point, that is.” 

Ofdenson shook his head. “Believe it or not, I do not believe a deal will be necessary. I’ll keep your precious friends alive, even you. But you must understand— this tower, you know. It has so many levels. It’s so easy to get lost. And it’s easier to forget an idea than it is to kill it.”

“So you’re just gonna lock us away?” Jack asked. “Turn the key and toss it? I didn’t think ye’ for that much of a coward.”

“It’s even easier to forget to the feed people you forgot existed,” Ofdenson hummed. “And I have a feeling that would be terrible for someone like you. Taking the responsibility of all these lives. What will you do as you watch them slowly wilt away? You won’t be able to do anything, except— I wonder which limb you’d cut off? And who you would feed it to first?”

“I think I’m gonna vomit,” Ethan said from the couch. 

“Mark’s father will look for him,” Amy argued. “You can’t just pretend he never existed. There are people who know where we are and where we’re supposed to be. You won’t be able to keep them from coming for us.”

Robin. Tyler. Fuck, Cry probably wouldn’t let this stand, and Cry would probably bring down the whole tower just to find him. Felix never thought he’d be relieved at the thought of Cry coming for him, but here he was. 

“We can’t all be shoved under the rug,” Amy said. “And none of us will go without everyone else. So you can’t sell Mark back. You won’t be able to shut up the Gate Generals.”

“I won’t have to shut them up,” Ofdenson with a shrug. “I’ll just have them kill each other again.”

Amy faltered, choked out a tiny little sound of confusion. “You… what?”

“Your precious little civil war, so long ago? Do you really think things were so bad within your ranks? Of course not. But we needed a change of scenery. We needed employees we could trust. People that didn’t recognize a few missing faces. And since we couldn’t very well just fire people, we had to get rid of them entirely. It was quite easy, as well. I didn’t even have to leave my chair.”

Felix chanced a glance back, saw the horror slowly dawning over both Mark and Amy’s faces.

“My brother died in that,” Mark whispered. 

“Well, collateral damage is always unavoidable. I am very sorry for your loss, but progress is progress.” Ofdenson really did look like he felt sorry for Mark, but in that way you would see at funerals, where the attendees didn’t care for anything but making sure they put their face in the situation so they could say they did. “For what it’s worth, the amount of resources that went into training the people we had to put into the empty positions was a hard hit.”

 _”My brother died,”_ Mark repeated.

“I’m sure it was quick,” Ofdenson sighed. “Now, I must ask—” He turned to Jack. “Just what do you think you’re doing?”

Jack frowned. “Excuse me?”

“Sit down, sit down,” Ofdenson said as he sat in a chair across from the couches. “I have so many questions, so this may take a while. I hope you’ll allow me some insight into your motivations, a morbid curiosity on my part.”

“You’re sick.” Jack turned, scanned the soldiers that were training their shots at the backs of their heads from over the couch. Jack then looked to Felix and reached out to tap his elbow, then point at the vacated spots in the center of the couch. Felix took a moment, but caught on. He nodded owlishly and sat down. Jack sat down beside him, close enough for their knees to touch. “Can’t very well tell ye’ t’ fuck off.”

Ofdenson paused. “My men are called the Ejectas. I was told by a very bright young girl that Ejectas are objects that come from a planet or a moon that are ejected into space through impact of a meteor or something of that way. I liked the word so much that it has been stuck in my head for over fifteen years, and when I was given the opportunity to change the order of this world, I felt like I had to put the word to some use.”

Ofdenson gave a nod to the men for their attention. “Sights on the one with the white hair.”

Instantly, every single LAR was pointed at Felix. He knew because he actually felt some of the muzzles against his skull. He also felt Jack tense in the seat beside him. Felix shut his eyes and breathed slowly through the panic. 

“I want answers,” Ofdenson said. “I’ll go down the line until you give them to me. And by down the line, I mean I’ll blow their heads open until you satisfy my curiosity. Understand?”

“I fuckin’ hate ye’,” Jack spat. 

“So what do you think you’re doing?” Ofdenson pressed. “Destroying all of these religious sanctums, usurping these social leaders, ruining lines of faith that provide hope and chairty. I can’t label you terrorists, because, to be honest, I don’t fully understand the word.”

“The unlawful use of violence and intimidation, especially against citizens, in the pursuit of political gain,” Felix intoned on reflex. His gaze dragged from the floor up to Ofdenson. The fear of the muzzles to his head was making his thoughts sluggish. “We’re not the terrorists. You are.”

Ofdenson raised a brow. “What a bold statement. And who are you?”

“Don’t answer,” Jack told him.

“Jack told me not to answer.”

Both of Ofdenson’s brows raised. “Is he your owner?”

“Yes,” Felix said.

“Fuck.” Jack sneered. “Stop talking t’ him. What do ye’ want to know?”

“Why the sanctums?” Ofdenson asked. “What were you looking to gain? You must have known more than just their practices. You were using them to get to me. Am I correct?”

“We know what you’re doing,” Jack said. “The bombings. The death. Tryin’ to get more fuckin’ property for the expansion of this cesspool. We know all of it.”

“Holy shit.” Ofdenson actually sounded impressed. “It seems like you really do. But then, how does my civil war tie into that? Your friends had seemed so shocked. Did you keep that from them? Or did you just not know?”

Jack faltered. “I-I didn’t. I don’t understand—”

“You’re completely correct, you know, and I am stunned by that. I’d thought our tracks were covered so well. I’d love to hear how you put all of this together, I would love to just sit down with you and pick at your genius mind.” Ofdenson paused. He was sitting directly across Jack, bent forward, staring into him. “I have to know— what possessed you to do this? Hatred? Possibly, but that’s such an exhausting thing. Revenge? More than likely. Who have I killed?”

“Me mum,” Jack said. “My da. Brother, brother, sister sister. But that ain’t why this is happening. That ain’t why I’m gonna spend every last moment of my life in my pursuit t’ kill ye’ and those responsible.”

“Then what?” Ofdenson asked. 

“I’m doing this because you’re dangerous,” Jack said. “And Felix needs to be in a safer world.”

“What the fuck,” Mark deadpanned as Felix went warm. 

“Who is Felix?” Ofdenson asked with a frown. “A lover? Such an odd name. Familiar. I think I’ve heard it somewhere.”

“Doesn’t matter cause ye’ll never find him,” Jack snapped. “Now put yer fuckin’ head on the ground so I can snap yer neck with my boot.”

Ofdenson laughed. “God, the balls on you! I’m impressed, I’m genuinely impressed. But really, you have to have caught on. How on earth would I be able to pull this off on my own? _We’re literally bombing our own continent._ Blaming it on the Omerians outside has to be a report from someone much higher than me.”

Jack was quiet for a moment. “You’re workin’ with the Chairwoman.”

“Precisely.” Ofdenson sat back. “The Chairwoman has been under our wing for fourteen years.”

“The civil war,” Mark breathed. “You took her during that?”

“Well, we had to make sure no one alive knew what we were doing,” Ofdenson explained simply. “She was betraying her people. Committing treason, essentially. We had to keep her safe too.”

“You paid the fuckin’ Chairwoman so you could have your expanded property lines,” Jack said slowly. “You fucking— ye’ took over the actual acting government so you could expand—” Jack cut himself off, voice twisting with emotion. Felix glanced to him and saw tears in his eyes— tears of hatred. “You killed so many,” Jack said, like the reality was finally dawning on him. “My family. The people I loved. The people everyone needed. You killed all of them. For property.”

Ofdenson smiled pleasantly and spread his hands. “What can I say? Progress has a price.”

“I’ll fuckin’ kill ye’,” Jack choked out. “I’ll fuckin’ tear yer heart out with my bare hands, I’ll gouge out yer eyes, I’ll _feed you yer fuckin’ tongue—_ ”

“Take them out of here,” Ofdenson said, waving his hand so flippantly, like he wasn’t in control of and condemning seven lives. “Put them in the layman room for now, lock the door and whatnot. We’ll put them downstairs later, but I’d like to wait for nighttime. All my employees will be gone. Wouldn’t want them to see anything to disrupt their work.”

“They were people!” Jack shouted, voice tearing at the edges. “They were human beings, they were alive! They had dreams and plans and they had things they loved t’ learn! And you killed them because ye’ wanted a bigger fuckin’ house!”

“His voice is grating,” Ofdenson sighed. “Where is that accent from? Doesn’t matter. I want them gone.”

A LAR was shoved demandingly into Felix’s skull, and Jack only stalled when Felix winced. “I’m gonna kill ye’,” Jack threatened as he stood, acting obedient now as he laid his threats. “I’m gonna break every bone in yer body, pull your apart, piece by piece. I’ll show ye’ what your fuckin’ organs taste like.”

“Take them away!” Ofdenson ordered, slowly becoming riled up by Jack’s threats. One of the Ejectas put a hand on Jack’s shoulder to pull him away. Felix also reached out, taking Jack by the arm. Jack stood firm, staring Ofdenson down.

“Ye’ can’t escape this,” Jack growled. “You will pay for what you’ve done. And it’s gonna be more than just yer fuckin’ money. It’s gonna be more than just this shit you’ve built. I’ll tear down everything ye’ love and bury you beneath it.”

“I said take him away!”

An Ejecta rammed the butt of their LAR into Jack’s spine. Jack cried out and went down, not hitting the floor only because Felix darted forward to help him up. Nothing hurt as he lifted Jack up, glaring at Ofdenson because he felt like he had to. The Ejecta that had rammed Jack took Jack by the arm and yanked him away. Felix followed because he had to. He chanced one last glance to Ofdenson, saw him joined by the religious leaders. The Sun, the Cremator, and the Adleist Prophet. 

When the Cremator saw Felix, her eyes went wide in shock and her jaw hung open. “You told me they were all dead,” she said to Ofdenson, her voice trembling. She wouldn’t look away from Felix and Felix couldn’t look away either, until an Ejecta shoved Felix’s shoulder harshly and pushed him around a corner.

The Ejectas had everyone else by the arms, and they put up no fight as they watched Jack be led forcefully along. They were brought out of the huge, extravagant room, to this small hallway that had art hung on all of the walls. Felix recognized them all as copies of old pieces that had been destroyed years ago. There was a single door at the end of the hall. It was simple wood with no window or anything, an electric lock that Felix doubted they could take control of. Especially when one of the Ejectas took Ethan’s wrist computer away, tossing it carelessly onto the floor behind them. Others took their weapons. But they missed the LAR that Sive had tucked into his boot, tiny but effective. Felix wished he could feel relieved for it. 

One of the soldiers opened the door and shoved Signe inside first. She was trembling, her knees giving out intermittently. Felix felt sorry for her the most. 

“Everyone in.”

Felix was the last to be shoved in, barely stumbling because—

_You told me they were all dead._

The door was shut behind him, a lock sounding with a high pitched tone. The room became pitch black, save for the light coming from underneath the door, and a blinking red light from a corner of the room. Probably a camera. Felix could barely see anything, but he could hear them. 

“Keep it down,” Jack whispered. “They could have audio.”

“What the fuck are we going to do?” Sive demanded. “How did they find us?”

“I’m so sorry, I thought we were good.”

Felix reached out blindly, wanting to find Ethan and touch him and reassure him that this wasn’t his fault. His hand touched something soft, another person, but he couldn’t see who. Whoever it was wrapped their hand around his, weaving their fingers together. 

“Who is this?” Mark asked, closer to Felix than Felix could ever remember him being. His voice was practically in Felix’s ear. Holy shit, wait—

Felix pressed his fingers to his ear. “Robin,” he called out, hanging onto hope. He squeezed Mark’s hand, hoping his voice would be answer enough to his question. “Can you hear us?”

There was horrible static, and Felix almost gave up, until he barely hear, _”I’m here, I’m— I can’t see any of— Are you—”_

“Save the battery,” Jack ordered. “We’ll find a way out, we need Robin to focus on our escape.”

“At least we still have him,” Amy said. 

“That went so fucking wrong,” Sive said.

“Are we gonna die?” Signe asked. “Starving— I don’t wanna starve.”

“I’m not eating your arm, Jack,” Mark said. “I know this is probably a bad time, but I just wanna put that out there.”

“Fuck off, like ye’d have a choice.”

“How will we get out?” Felix asked. “They took Ethan’s computer.”

“Guys, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, Ethan,” Felix said, reaching out blindly again. “He said he saw Jack’s face. It wasn’t your fault.” Felix paused. “I really hope I don’t hit a girl’s tit.”

“Felix, what the fuck.”

“It’s so fucking dark, Jack.”

“We need a way out,” Jack said. “And it’s gonna come when they move us to wherever they wanna forget us. But I don’t know when they aim t’ do that, and I know it won’t be easy. We’ll have to kill ‘em, get their LAR, overpower them and get out that way. Could be hours. Could be days.” Jack sounded so tired. “Fuck. I’m so sorry. This ain’t Ethan’s fault— it’s mine.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Felix murmured. The Cremator had recognized Felix. Originally, he hadn’t been as keen on questioning her as Jack had been, but now he felt like he needed to. _She had recognized him,_ said something about how they were all, supposedly, dead. Who was this grand they? His family? Had she known all of them?

“We’ll have t’ wait,” Jack was saying. “We’ll stick together, okay? No matter what, we cannot allow them to separate us. He was right, this place is a maze. We won’t be able to find each other in time if they separate us.”

“We’ll follow your lead,” Mark said, sounding the most calm of all of them. He was still holding Felix’s hand, still squeezing gently. It was only then that Felix realized his hands were actually shaking in Mark’s grip. “Felix, do you need to sit down?”

“Is something wrong with Felix?” Jack’s voice was alert.

“I’m fine,” Felix replied, though he sounded anything but. “That painkiller— it’s weirding me out. I’m totally fine. But I’m pretty sure Signe is about to pass out.” He could hear her irregular breathing over everyone else. “She doesn’t like small spaces.”

“Signe, sit.” Jack sounded attentive, which was a relief. “We can’t carry ye’ if we need,” he continued. There was rustling, then Signe’s breathing strained even more. “Fuck, are ye’ gonna black out?”

“Jack, I’m so scared,” she almost sobbed. 

“It’ll be fine, we’ll be fine, I promise,” Jack soothed. “Just one step at a time, yeah? Everything will be fine.”

Mark squeezed Felix’s hand even tighter. Probably to give some sort of comfort. 

“We’re gonna die,” Signe said. “I don’t want to starve.”

“God, Signe, if ye’ don’t—”

The suddenly opened, flooding the room with light. Felix shied away from it, putting his hand up to shield his eyes. 

“What do you want?” Jack demanded coldly.

As the door shut, an overhead light flickered to life, filling the room with a cool, almost blue glow. Felix blinked rapidly to get his pupils to adjust. He was suddenly struck with the fact that, not only had his night vision taken way too long, but his eyes had also failed to adjust to the light also. Everything was this over-heightened blur for the longest time. 

“It is you,” came a woman’s voice, breathless and reverent. Felix’s eyes _finally_ adapted and he looked to the door to see the Cremator standing there. She was actually quite lovely, despite the age that was making her skin wrinkle and the years bent over fires causing her complexion to splotch. Her hair was thin and wry, graying in places, deep brown in others. Her eyes were almost black, but it wasn’t disconcerting. She looked stunned. “Felix, I’m so sorry. They told me you were dead.”

Felix blinked sluggishly. “You know my name.”

“Of course,” she replied as she advanced towards him. “Do you not know me?”

Felix couldn’t answer. He felt hands pull him back, and suddenly both Mark and Jack were standing in front of him, shielding him from the Cremator’s view. She took a step back, looking between the two with confusion. “You— he has been with your rebellion. Was I led astray?”

“How do ye’ know him?” Jack demanded. 

“He was my teacher,” she replied. “Has he not told you about me?”

“What the fuck is going on?” Sive demanded. “How are you down here?”

“Are we in trouble?” Ethan asked.

“I received permission to read all of you your sendoffs,” the Cremator replied. “I saw Felix and I had to— I needed to speak to him. I needed to see if it was really you. How are you alive, Felix? They told me you were dead. After your mother and father— After the young Chairwoman— is your sister alive?”

“Fanny,” Felix said, feeling numb. “No, I—” He remember the sound and the shake of bombs. “She’s dead. I’m sure she’s dead.”

“I’m so sorry,” the Cremator replied. “Do you really not know me?”

“He doesn’t remember anything,” Jack replied. 

“Of course,” the Cremator murmured. “Why else would you risk coming back into this mess? I don’t even know how you escaped with your life. If you could remember, you would have never returned.”

“Was I a Philistine?” Felix asked. He was hopeful, until she said—

“Hardly. You would laugh at my teachings, Felix, right in my face. You knew more of the old world than I ever could have learned through my practices. You saw my ways as archaic.” She smiled. “You were so bright. When I heard you were dead, I couldn’t follow their rules. They wanted to erase you and your family, your lineage, from existence. I couldn’t do that. I had to mourn you. I had to ensure you could pass on, even if you had never believed in the afterlife.”

He wasn’t a Philistine. Then— “What am I?”

“You really don’t remember.” She looked like she pitied him. “You were a Scholar.”

“Okay.” Felix was starting to shake even worse. His brain felt foggy. He prayed it was just that drug. “And what the fuck is that?”

“A keeper of the ways of the old world,” she replied in gentle reverence. “You and your sister were tasked with learning everything of the world before. Your parents taught you all they knew and you— you were so unlike every Scholar before. You couldn’t keep the knowledge to yourself, as you were supposed to. You taught everyone everything you could. You broke all the rules just to tell people about what the world had been and what it could be.” Her face fell. She looked so sad. “You were so brave. You were putting your own life at risk by teaching people what you knew. Only Scholars and the Chair were privy to know, but you— you taught all of us. You taught anyone willing to listen.”

Felix felt cold all over. “I— I worked with the Chair.”

“More than that,” she replied. “As you were the son of the Scholars, and she the daughter of the chair, you were betrothed.”

He couldn’t breathe. He could feels all eyes on him, boring into his body like the bullet that had ripped through his flesh. He wasn’t a Philistine, he was something worse— he was part of the very government he’d grown to hate. And now everyone knew what he was. “I’m gonna throw up.”

“Oh, Felix,” she murmured, sounding so sorry for him. “You haven’t known. This whole time, you’ve been blind to who you are. You are Felix Kjellberg. Do you remember any of it? You taught me so much. I love learning about death, the most. The way people would treat their lost loved ones. The Native Americans would bury them above ground, lifting them into the sky. Then a plague came and many Europeans learned to bury them six feet below, to avoid infection. Ancestor worship was so large in Asian cultures. I learned so much from you.”

“I’m gonna throw up,” Felix said again. He was part of this. He was betrothed to the Chairwoman, that fucking bitch, he was part of all of this. He was part of the very thing Jack was working to destroy, to punish. Had he— had he been working against Jack all along?

Felix swayed on his feet. Hands reached out to grab him, only three sets. Everyone else was pressed against the walls, trying to stay away from Felix. But Ethan, Mark, and— and Jack. They were trying to keep him standing. “I’m gonna throw up,” Felix told them. 

“You need to keep your head,” the Cremator told him. “I’m getting you out of here. All of you. I saw your pod, the one waiting outside for you. It’s been stalled. If you can signal for them to get to the west side of the building, by the auxiliary floodlight on that side, I can get all of you out of here.”

“I need t’ kill Ofdenson,” Jack declared.

“You revenge will be your ruin,” she told him.

“It ain’t fuckin’ revenge,” Jack said. “I won’t say it twice.” He pressed his finger to his ear. His eyes and free hand was still on Felix. “Robin— get the pod t’ the west by the flood light on the wall. We’ve a way out.”

_”Got it— okay?”_

“Everything’s fine,” Jack lied. “Just get us out.”

“We leave Felix.”

Jack whirled on his heel to look to Sive with nothing in his eyes. “What’s that?”

“We leave Felix,” Sive repeated. “Look, man, I’m sorry, but he’s part of this. He belongs with these people. For all we know, he was part of the sellout of everyone. He could be part of this. He’s dangerous. I say we leave him behind.”

“I agree,” Signe choked out. 

“They’re right,” Felix replied, feeling like he was in a fog. He was betrothed to the Chairwoman. “She knows me. I’m part of this. Jack, I’m not safe.”

“Shut up, Felix.”

“You can’t just fuckin’ ignore what I am,” Felix insisted. “This is the worst case scenario we never wanted to imagine. Just leave me behind. I could be a fucking plant, Jack. I— they could have been hunting me. I could be the reason your family is dead.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

Felix couldn’t believe what Jack was saying. “Yes it does,” he said. “What do you mean it doesn’t matter? Of course it matters. It matters, it fucking matters, it matters more than anything—”

“Felix, look at me.” Felix did. Jack looked so fucking confident, so sure of himself. He didn’t look scared of Felix like he should. “It doesn’t matter, Felix,” he said. “The second it does is the second I lose you. So repeat after me— it doesn’t matter.”

Felix wanted to cry. “Jack, if I’m with the Chairwoman, we have to assume—”

“He’s not safe, Jack,” Signe insisted. Sive grimaced and then raised his weapon— the LAR that hadn’t been taken from him. Why hadn’t they taken that from him? Felix suddenly wished the Ejectas had been efficient.

“We gotta put him down, Jack. He ain’t safe.”

“I will kill you,” Jack informed Sive. “I will kill anyone that tries to hurt him. Felix is coming with. Do you understand?” Jack looked back to Felix. “I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again. Who you were ain’t who you are. Just breathe, Felix, and trust me. You’re coming home with us.”

Felix blinked rapidly as tears blurred his vision. “I don’t want to hurt you. Any of you.”

“You won’t” Mark said confidently from beside Jack. “You’re not that person.”

_”The pod— ready— go?”_

“We’re ready,” Jack told the Cremator. 

The woman was watching Felix, wide eyed and sorrowful. She nodded shakily. “Come with me.” She reached behind herself and opened the door. Jack turned to Sive, grabbed the weapon from him with a scowl, and then turned to follow the Cremator.

“Everyone stay close,” he told them. 

“How do we know we can trust her?” Amy asked.

“It’s a feeling. Just a feeling.”

“Feeling’s don’t mean shit,” Sive grumbled. But he followed anyways, checking Felix hard with his shoulder as he passed. 

Jack scowled. “Sive,” he snapped. “Yer LAR.”

“Fuck off, I’m not handing it over.”

“I don’t trust you. Not for a second. Either give it to me, or you be the one that gets left behind.”

Sive searched Jack’s expression, trying to see if he was serious. He slumped and handed over the LAR.

Mark steadied Felix with his hands still on him. “I’m not letting you go,” Mark told him. “I don’t trust you not to run.” Mark was very smart. 

The Cremator didn’t even stop to peak around corners, leading them out of the hall and back into the extravagant room that was now, blessedly empty. All of the colors were too much for Felix. He shut his eyes and swallowed down his gag reflex, because moving had his head swimming. He should be left behind, if only because this sudden sickness was making him such a liability.

“There’s the eatery,” the Cremator explained in a rough whisper. “The windows there are real, for insulation and fire purposes. You can break it and escape.”

“And Ofdenson?” Jack asked. He was a man with a deadly purpose. Felix’s eyes locked onto Jack’s back, anchoring himself to the now with Jack’s existence. But god— he really should be left behind. 

“He will be above,” the Cremator replied. “I will— I’ll summon him to you.” She looked harrowed. “I hate death.” She went to a panel, a series of switches. She flicked one of them and there was the sound of a bell, somewhere far away.

“You worship it,” Ethan reminded her.

“That doesn’t mean I have to love death itself. It’s inevitable. But I hate the unavoidability.” She pushed open a swinging set of doors that showed a huge, open area, covered in marble and porcelain. Counters and expensive brass, too much fucking light. Felix swayed again. Mark was the only thing keeping him up. “The window is there,” she said, pointing across this huge, unnecessary space. “But if you want Ofdenson, you will have to wait. He, he will be here. But he won’t come alone.”

“I don’t care,” Jack said. He flicked on the LAR, the whir of the weapon coming to life ringing in Felix’s ears. “I want him dead.” Jack paused. “Mark, get Felix onto the pod first.”

Mark started. “Are you staying?”

“I’m ain’t leaving till Ofdenson is a corpse.”

Signe whimpered. “You can’t die here, Jack.”

Jack leveled Signe with a glare. “I ain’t talkin’ to ye’,” he snapped. “Everyone else better listen to me, and listen well. Shit has officially gone south. This lady could very well be sending us off a ledge. If it’s all gonna end here, it’s gonna end right. We can’t trust the Chairwoman, we need her dead. If any of ye’ make it out and I don’t, you finish this. But Ofdenson will die today. That’s all I’ve got.”

“We really should leave Felix,” Signe pleaded.

“Signe, I will fuckin’ slit your throat, do you understand me?” Jack looked between Signe and Sive. “Felix is off limits. Nothing else.”

Felix couldn’t take it anymore. His vision swam, and he bent forward, body seizing up as he dry heaved. Mark wrapped his arms around Felix’s waist, keeping him up, murmuring soothing words as Felix’s body failed to get anything out and only succeeded to keep Felix from breathing. This was too much. Everything was too much.

“Get Felix in the pod first,” Jack said again, his voice sounding far away and empty. “Don’t ye’ dare let him out of your sight, Mark.”

“I’ll keep him safe,” Mark promised.

There was the sound of glass shattering. Felix turned and saw Sive breaking the window with a chair, smashing away the shards that they could cut themselves on. Wind and rain and sound filled the room. The pod was just outside, the container it was carrying open and waiting. It would be a bit of a jump, but they’d make it. Mark started to pull Felix to the window, but Felix stopped him. “Signe first,” he said. “And Amy.” Mark would argue against letting Signe go, but not Amy. 

“Fuck,” Mark said. 

“Elizabeth.”

Ofdenson stood in the doors the Cremator had pushed open. His arms were folded over his chest. He looked perturbed. “What on earth are you doing? I expected a little resistance from you, but not so suddenly and not this extreme.”

“You told me they were dead,” she accused, sounding almost tearful. “You told me that Felix and Fanny were dead.”

“That’s what Chairman Renato officially reported,” Ofdenson replied. “We had no reason to believe otherwise. If I’d known he was important, I would have done a little more digging. Who are we even talking about?”

“You don’t even know,” she hissed. “You have tampered and destroyed something so sacred and you don’t even know the faces of the lives your are ruining!”

“I didn’t order the kill,” Ofdenson defended through grit teeth. “He did! I had nothing to do with the deaths of those children!”

“You took the deaths as opportunity rather than the mourning it should have been! You were inspired by the bombs they dropped that day!”

“If the children had truly meant something to you, you would have looked!”

“You have wrought the wrath of the dead,” the Cremator seethed. “You misjudged and gambled, laid down the wrong hand. Now the dead have returned, and they will be your reckoning!” Jack strode past the Cremator and raised the LAR, aiming it cooly at Ofdenson’s head. 

“Did ye’ bring yer precious Ejectas?” Jack asked.

“I saw no reason,” Ofdenson replied. “Elizabeth is weak. She is not a threat. And that weapon will not work. We have electrical failsafes, you know.”

Jack narrowed his eyes, pulled the trigger, and didn’t even flinch at the lake of discharge. When Ofdenson started to laugh, Jack yanked out the battery, slammed the skeleton muzzle on the floor, and named the stabbed edge of the now-broken LAR into Ofdenon’s throat. Jack was anything if not resourceful. 

Ofdenson went wide eyed as he gurgled on his blood and last breaths. He held to Jack’s wrist and tugged weakly, like he was trying to pull the jagged metal from his throat. “Don’t pull it out,” Jack told him, his mouth twisted in this smile that made the hair on Felix’s neck stand. “Unless ye’ wanna bleed out even faster. But I hope you don’t. I want ye’ to stand here and wait for death t’ come, slow and cruel. I want ye’ afraid, just like you made all those people you killed, as ye’ went through their homes and mowed them down with archaic weapons.” Jack shoved the metal in deeper and Ofdenson wheezed in pain. “I want ye’ scared and tiny as you die,” Jack says. “And I want it slow.”

There was the clammer of boots on the ground just outside. More people burst into the room, the first being the Adleist prophet. He pointed an accusing finger at Felix and screamed, _“Burn the ghost! He can’t be allowed to find her!”_

Mark took Felix by the back of the shirt and tore him from the scene, from the hypnotized trance Felix was stuck in now that he was surrounded by people that recognized and hated him. Felix turned and saw Amy launch herself into the darkness outside, Ethan following her close by. “We have to go,” Mark said before trying to push Felix across the jump. But Felix was stopped by the Cremator taking his arm and holding him fast.

“The West tower in Gat A-1,” she whispered to him urgently. “Where the false Chairwoman herself is supposed to live— find her. She became the princess she never wanted to be. Find her, Felix, and fix this.”

“We have to go!’ Mark shouted. Felix took his arm back from the Cremator and made the jump, stumbling hard as he landed in the container and crumbling to the ground. His body felt weak and useless. His mind was so fucking drugged. People pulled him deeper into the container, and Felix looked up in time to see Jack hurtling through the air and landing inside the container, rolling and running to the other end, slamming his fist against the wall and telling the pilot to leave. Sive and Mark pulled the container doors shut and they were plunged into darkness, their labored breaths being the only sound. And then a voice, Signe, shaking and scared—

“Felix, what are you?”

Felix choked on his own breath, maybe something like a sob, and curled his knees to his chest. The painkiller was wearing off and the letter hurt worse than the bullet wound. He shut his eyes, found no difference in the shades of black, and just tried to feel okay again. 

A girl was singing in his head. 

_With your feet in the air, and your head on the ground…_


	13. Letter From a Thief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I now own this fatal role that lives  
>  Imagine here's a better feel  
> Told to dissolve, or choose to fade  
> Or stay here you'll live_
> 
> _If you ever enter my mind  
>  Stay there  
> You'll live  
> Defend it off and fool them all  
> Stay there  
> You'll live_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a'ight so
> 
> i'm 10k into the epilogue and we haven't even started the plot arch for that epilogue so i'm splitting it up into two chapters sorry but there's two chapters after this one
> 
> also, i put the summary as the lyrics to the chapter title because all of the chapter titles have related to the chapter and idk this one's especially perfect
> 
> but yeah here's the climax of the main arch hope you like it

“They’re making me leave ye’,” Jack said in the quiet of the war room, bent over tin tables for the last time, staring into maps that would prove useless for all the gaps of information. “They all think you’re dangerous. That ye’ know too much. Sive’s the real one pushing for this, keeps saying shit, keeps planting seeds of fear. Everyone’s saying they’re ready t’ die, but they wanna avoid it, right? But for some reason, they think you’re gonna be the thing that brings their death. Sive, Signe, Amy, Robin. They all want ye’ t’ stay behind.”

Felix only nodded. He’d heard the shouting, heard the way Jack had uselessly defended him.

_”Ye’ treat him like he’s going to hurt us! Like he’s gonna betray us! You don’t know a fucking thing about him if you think he’d ever be capable of that!”_

“I don’t understand,” Felix said. He was leaning against the wall, arms crossed over his chest. His shoulders were hunched. He was protecting himself from something he couldn’t see. “Why do you want me with you? If anything, you should want me here. It’s going to be dangerous. You’re going to be destroying the world as we know it, overthrowing the government itself. Wouldn’t you want me to stay here? Wouldn’t you want me safe here, out in the farmlands? Where the fires won’t be able to reach.”

“I never thought that your fuckin’ poem would be a prophecy,” Jack murmured. “But you were wrong. I’m not the townspeople putting out the flames. I’m the child recklessly setting fire to things like fire is a toy.”

“Why do you want me to come?” Felix pressed. “Are you— do you want me dead? Do you want me to come so I can die nobly instead of being labeled the traitor that I am? You want me to come with you so I can die with a purpose.”

Jack slammed his fist into the table and leveled Felix with the sharpness of his gaze. “Ye've spent all this time dodging questions and stares,” Jack said slowly. “Signe treats ye' like the dirt beneath her feet but you've always kept your head up because ye' know the truth. Why doubt your reality now? After all this time? Why listen to them now? They're just more voices tryin' t' tear us apart.”

Jack left the table and went to stand in front of Felix, pinning him to the spot with his eyes. Felix twisted his fingers in his shirt to keep them from shaking. 

“You think I want you dead,” Jack murmured. “How can you? Don’t you realize? They know we're strongest together. They're jealous. At least Signe is. Don't ye' dare listen to them. No one will ever be more important than you.” There was paranoia inside Jack, something Felix hadn’t noticed before, deep seeded and near insanity.

“You’re not practicing what you preach,” Felix accused weakly. “You keep saying you’re going to give up everything. Maybe letting me die is part of that everything. You need to sacrifice something for something else to be born. The Phoenix rises from the ashes, Jack. You need to— you either leave me here and let me live, or know I’ll follow you and let me die. I’m not good, Jack. I’m part of this. I would— I think I’m meant to die. And you have to find a way to let that happen because that’s the only way you’ll find your peace. It’s the only way you’ll have revenge.”

Jack scowled. ”Ye' say I didn't care enough for the cause of rallying against the Chairwoman, that I'm not willing to give up everything to win. You're right. That doesn't mean shit to me. Winning isn’t what I’m after. None of that, all of the freedom and rebellion and revenge, it doesn't mean a damn thing. I'm not willing to die for revenge. I'm only willing t' die for you.”

In Felix’s stunned silence, Jack came closer. Only then did Felix seen the pain through the paranoia. 

“You're the reason for all of this,” Jack swore into the space between them. “I do this t' give ye' a world to live in. A world worthy of you. I do all of this to give ye’ peace and safety, something only you deserve. I've killed for you. I’ll kill even more. I’ll die for you. All of this? It's all for you. Don't listen to them. Don't think I'm pushing you away when you're the one I've kept closest.”

Felix couldn’t breathe. Jack’s eyes strayed down Felix’s chest, down his body, like he was looking at Felix for the first time. He brought his gaze back up and stared into Felix. They were so close that Felix could feel Jack’s breath on his lips. For a moment, Jack swayed forward, like he intended to connect. But then Jack rocked back on his heel and stepped away. 

“I don’t want to leave ye’ behind because you’re the very thing that makes me capable of the horrible things that must be done,” Jack told him. “I don’t enjoy hurting people. I don’t enjoy killing. Having ye’ there is how I convince myself that what I’m doing needs t’ be done. But it doesn’t matter. This world will be different, in the end, no matter what happens. I can only hope it’ll be better.”

Jack went back to the table. “Maybe I should be happy you’re staying. Like you said, the fallout will be tremendous. Maybe I should be happy ye’ won’t be in danger’s way. You’ll be safe. You won’t be hurt here. Won’t hit your head.” Jack smiled bitterly. “Maybe I should be happy. You’re safe here. Your thoughts and your mind are safe. Because I don’t want ye’ to forget me.”

The name in Felix’s wrist _burned._ He was trembling like a leaf. Jack bent back over the table and heaved a sigh. “I’ll miss you, Felix,” he said. “I don’t think I’ll make it back and I— I’ll miss you. That’s another reason why I want ye’ along. I don’t wanna die without you. I was never meant to die without ye’. But it doesn’t matter. Sive has made them all afraid. I can’t change their thoughts now. Just— don’t forget me, Felix. Even when I’m gone.”

Jack paused. “There’s this thing in my chest,” he murmured. “Something new. Something I don’t understand, because it’s always been there and I’ve just never been able to realize it. I wish I could tell you, but I know it’s not the time. It’ll never be the right time.”

Felix had to leave. He was crying and, for once, he didn’t want Jack to see it. “I was supposed to follow you to the end,” Felix choked out. “I’m sorry for what I am.” 

He turned his back on Jack and rushed from the war room, shaking with something he couldn’t define. 

. . .

The damning thing was, Felix had been told to stay behind, and he’d agreed to not accompanying his friends, but he had never intended to stay away from the main gate entirely.

How the hell could he? Felix had spent the past fourteen fucking years without any idea of who he was and he was suddenly being given directions by a woman who had fucking known him and knew how he could learn more. Felix was only human, if not a terrible one, apparently, but that didn’t matter so much in the face of what he wanted and needed to know. Felix needed to go to the gate and find that tower and find— find this princess. 

He knew this, Ethan knew this, and Tyler knew this. That was all Felix needed. 

“You’re only gonna be talking to me,” Ethan had told him in hushed secrecy, moments before he’d left with Jack and the rest of the walking dead. “Me and Tyler. It’ll only be close range. I’ll try to keep them out of your way, but— I don’t know how badly it’s gonna fall apart.”

Felix had agreed and told Ethan that he was happy for what little help he was receiving. Now Felix was standing in the farmlands, watching for the pod Tyler had brought for him, smoking his second to last cigarette. Tyler was standing beside him, arms across his chest. 

“So, you’re the Chairwoman’s boyfriend,” Tyler said, watching the horizon. “And you’re, what? A Scholar?”

“Keeper of the knowledge of the old world,” Felix intoned. 

“That actually makes sense,” Tyler said. “You’ve got all that shit in your head. It’s got an explanation now. Isn’t that kind of a relief? To know that all of that stuff wasn’t useless and unexplained. It had a purpose. And you know your family was real and shit. What was it?”

“Kjellberg,” Felix said, tasting his last name. 

“Kjellberg,” Tyler repeated, mispronouncing it. “What does it mean?”

“It’s my surname,” Felix replied. “Norwegian or Swedish, coming from old Norse. It’s the Norse word _kelda_ or Swedish word _källa_ , both meaning spring, put with _berg_ , for mountain.”

Tyler snorted a laugh. “Your last name is a geological description.”

Felix almost smiled. “Your last name means the ‘sheath of a sword.’ Pretty good, compared to mine.”

“And yet, here I am,” Tyler said. “Avoiding the fight. I guess that just goes to show that a name doesn’t mean a damn thing. You are who you make yourself to be. No title you’re given from birth dictates your future and who you’ll become. Your past doesn’t define your present if you don’t let it.” Tyler looked to Felix sharply. “Right?”

Felix swallowed hard. “Right.” His name didn’t mean shit. It didn’t matter. Even if he forgot his name, he’d still be himself. Felix took a drag of his cigarette and held the smoke in his lungs long enough to burn. There was a low humming in the distance.

“For what it’s worth, I think they’re fucking idiots,” Tyler told him. “If you were really gonna betray us, you would have to betray Jack. And that’s just— that’s just nutty. You would sooner kill yourself than betray Jack. Why would you ever even want to? Jack’s all you’ve got. Why the hell would you betray the guy you’ve been in love with for years?” When Felix looked to him in alarm, Tyler just scoffed. “Did you really think you were slick? It’s transparent as water. Anyone that couldn’t see what you felt for Jack is just, just crazy. It’s obvious. The sky is black, the ground is dead, and you’re in love with Jack. Big deal.”

Felix worked through his thoughts sluggishly. “… You never said anything.”

“Why would I? You didn’t want anyone to know.” Tyler shrugged. “You weren’t hurting anyone and it wasn’t really my business. No harm done, right?”

“I guess not,” Felix agreed. The low humming had grown much louder. Felix could see the pod approaching, moving low, close to the ground. “Thank you for this, Tyler.”

“No problem. The Cremator told you the tower, right? Main gate tower. Not sure what kind of princess is kept in a tower, but it’s the only lead you’ve got.”

Felix wasn’t going to correct him with countless stories of princesses locked away in towers. It wasn’t really necessary and Tyler would probably just roll his eyes at the wasted breath. _We’ve got a job to do, Felix,_ he would say. _Don’t lose your head in those fairytales._ Felix felt like someone had told him that before. He heard the words in the voice of a young girl. 

The pod slowed in its approach, lowered even more, hovered and blew dirt into the air. Tyler clasped Felix’s shoulder in a final goodbye. The heat and wind from the pod extinguished the last Felix’s cigarette, so he tossed it to the dirt and ground it into dust. Felix gave Tyler a nod of gratitude, before ducking in and climbing into the main cabin of the pod. As the farmer grunted and turned the pod back to the city, Felix saw Tyler wait until he was out of sight, standing watch.

. . .

The main gate, Gate A-1, fondly called the “Eastern Star,” even though it lied at the edges of the west. When Felix approached the entrance into the gate— the gate that had been locked for years— he found it unguarded. Normally, getting into a gate that was meant to lead out of the city was a bitch and a half and nearly impossible. The guards weren’t allowed to let anyone through because the gate had been closed and that— that was probably the fault of Central. Felix had readied himself to have to fight his way through, but had arrived to find the guards dead at their desks, weapons taken, empty eyes staring up at the ceiling. There was no fear in their expressions. It had been quick.

Felix’s stomach roiled at the sight regardless and stepped through the now-useless metal detector to walk into the main gate. 

Gates out of the continent were their own buildings and places of civilization. All gate employees and their families lived in an exit gate. Bottom levels were usually office and governmental infrastructure, middle was commercial and food, and upper levels were living quarters, ascending in status. The Chairwoman was said to live at the top floor of this gate. But, according to the Cremator, there was someone else above her.

Felix didn’t want to run across the Chairwoman. He didn’t want to meet the woman he’d been born to marry. Especially now that he knew the evil she was capable of. 

Above his head, Felix could hear the sounds of a firefight. Anxiety twisted his chest, fear for his friends. They could be die just above and he wouldn’t know until it was too late. He paused in the middle of this first level, this— almost like a lobby. There was a directory in front of him, labeling all of the levels for what they were. Twenty in all, organized cleanly. 

First five levels were office-like, the next five were for food and anyone human, ten through fifteen were living spaces for the people who worked the gates, and the last five was for the gate general and the Chairwoman. The top three, in particular, were marked with a large _C,_ like that was supposed to mean something to Felix. He stared at the small letter, felt the letters in his own skin sting. 

There was a horrible sound above, and the walls shook. Debris crumbled from the ceiling, a gentle raining of dust. Felix had to move quickly. Elevators were probably going to be useless. Another tremble went through the building and the lights flickered. Yeah, fuck the elevator. He would need to find the stairs. Another look to the directory showed there were stares up until the seventeenth floor. From there, Felix would have to go through another fucking guard area. It made sense, even though he hated it. They couldn’t just leave the Chairwoman to the animals beneath.

There was static in his ear, and then— _”Felix?”_

Felix pressed into his ear, activating that tiny button. When Ethan had left, Felix had considered tearing his SHIELD from his skin just to give to the other boy. He didn’t know why Ethan had volunteered to join the frontline in Felix’s stead. Something about compensation. Jack hadn’t been able to talk Ethan out of it. Felix was almost worried that Ethan was hoping to have that glorious, purposeful death Felix had been cheated out of. 

“I’m here,” he said, voice low and what he hoped was comforting. “Are you okay?”

_“Fuck, Felix, I-I think Sive’s dead.”_

Felix shut his eyes and breathed slow for a moment. “Where are you?” he asked. “What’s happening? Are you safe?”

_“Felix, there’s—”_

An explosion rattled the ceiling. 

_“Felix, wherever you gotta go, you gotta go now.”_

“Are you okay?” Felix pressed, needing to know Ethan wasn’t about to die. “I can get to you, I can keep you safe—”

 _“Jack is covered in blood and I’m really not worried about myself,”_ Ethan interrupted quickly. _“But you gotta get up. I saw the way. There’s that door you have to get past. The first ten levels are clear, there aren’t many people left. Jack’s hunting down the Chairwoman. If you need my help, ask me for it now.”_

Felix winced, wishing he could offer some sort of aid to Ethan, but he needed to find this princess. “I need to know how guarded that door to the upper five levels is.”

_“Got it. Head up there. I’ll meet you.”_

Felix didn’t know how Ethan planned to slip away, but the kid hd survived so far, and Felix wasn’t about to underestimate him. He made his way up the stairs, mindful of anyone that could approach him with malice, but only came across bodies. Felix couldn’t look at them for too long, disturbed by the holes in the corpses. He only looked at them long enough to see if he could recognize someone. He didn’t.

Felix climbed the stairwell, forgoing the elevators because he was sure they’d be useless. As he ascended, the lights of the way flickered. Another explosion rocked the foundation, and Felix held on tight to the walls, shutting his eyes to keep calm. Jack would be fine. He’d survived things like this before, had survived being in Ofdenson’s grip. He would be fine. 

Felix reached level ten and found there was no steps leading further, meaning there was no way to reach these upper levels without getting through the security checkpoint. An explosion wracked the building, but this time below him. He was sure Jack hadn’t come up this far yet, meaning there was no way to know if anyone would be behind the door that could prove a problem. Felix swallowed hard around his distaste in having to kill. But if he wanted answers, he’d have to get through it. Felix steadied himself, pulled out his LAR, charged the shot, waiting one breath, and then kicked in the door to face whoever would be there.

“Please don’t!” Ethan cried out, hands going in the air. He was covered in grime and blood, his blue hair nearly white with the debris clinging to him. There was a huge bruise along his cheek, and Felix instinctively reached out for the bruise, wanting to soothe. Ethan’s eyes were still huge. Only then did Felix realize he still had his LAR raised. 

“You’re really alive,” Felix said. 

“Fuck, dude, you could have killed me.”

“I wouldn’t have,” Felix promised. Then, “You know that, right? I’d never hurt any of you. I’d rather die.”

Ethan smiled shakily. “No, I know. I know.”

Felix nodded. “The Cremator told me that the person I needed to find would be up there, the top level. And I need to find this person, this— the Cremator said I needed to find her. Has Jack found the Chairwoman yet?”

Ethan shook his head. “He knows I’m up here, Felix. We need to move fast because he’s coming to meet me and if he sees you—”

“Felix.” 

Felix flinched badly at the sound of Jack’s disappointment. He could see the man just over Ethan’s shoulder, but couldn’t look up to him. An explosion shook everything and plaster rained down on them. There was the sound of footsteps, louder than Jack’s, whose steps had been silent, and then Signe was standing behind Jack. Her eyes went wide when she saw him. She was quickly joined by Mark. Felix didn’t see Amy or Sive and fear the worst. He finally turned his gaze to Jack and refused to react to the nothing he saw in Jack’s expression. “Amy and Sive—”

“Amy’s alive,” Jack said. “She’s handling the control room. We’ve to get through that door.” Jack jerked his chin towards the large, glass, double doors that had a vacated guard desk in front. “Why are ye’ here?”

“That door,” Ethan whispered to Felix, cutting his eyes to a smaller, innocuous, metal door that was in the wall to the left of the door Jack wanted. It had a window in the center, but looked more like utility or maintenance than anything important. Almost like it was being hidden in plain sight. Ethan reached across himself to tap something into his wrist computer. “Stall.”

“What’re ye’ doing here, Felix?” Jack asked. 

“It doesn’t matter,” Mark said like he was trying to do damage control. “We’ve got more important things to worry about.” Mark was looking just as badly off as Ethan and Jack, bloodstains on his clothes. Felix hated to think if the blood was his and how the wound could have gotten there if LAR cauterized wounds. Another explosion. Felix felt a little sick with the worry he now felt. 

“Is Sive dead?” he asked, fearing the answer. When no one answered him immediately, he shuddered. “Was it quick?”

“Some of the employees are apparently follows of the Adleists,” Jack said. “They saw us, recognized us. I think the Adleist priest sent something t’ this tower, but not enough. They didn’t see us coming.”

“They didn’t know?” Felix asked. “But how? What we did—”

“The CCC has fallen, Felix,” Jack told him. “It’s gonna be in worse shambles than this place.” Another fucking explosion, and Felix teetered, his balance thrown off. “I think your friend, Elizabeth— I think she decided t’ do something good with the last of her life.” Oddly enough, Jack seemed a little sad. “What are ye’ doing here, Felix?”

There was a click, and then both of the doors swung open, unlocked and automatic. Jack and the other’s attention were taken by the glass doors, which gave Felix his chance to fall back and dart for the innocuous door. But he shouldn’t have underestimated Jack’s solitary attention for _him_ and Jack’s hand had Felix’s wrist in a vice before Felix could fully get through the door and slam it shut behind himself. 

Felix whirled around, eyes wide, frantic, and tugged. It was the left wrist, the one that was wrapped in a thin layer of cloth to hide the ink from Jack. “Let me go,” he pleaded, tugging hard. Jack wouldn’t let him through the door.

“I don’t know what the fuck you’re doing,” Jack snarled, angry and bruised and at the end of his rope. “Ye’ can’t keep doing this, Felix! Our fucking lives are on the line and if ye’ keep pulling shit without telling us what’s going on, we’ll be killed! There no easy way around this, no solo track! Ye’ can’t keep—”

Felix yanked back too hard and the cloth was unknotted and pulled off in Jack’s grip. Jack wouldn’t have cared to look if Felix’s panic hadn’t been instinctual. He looked down at Felix’s wrist, brow furrowed, until he read the ink. 

They both froze. The name _Seán_ stared up at them, innocent in its existence. unaware of the two worlds it had just rocked. Jack’s expression washed clean, giving away nothing. Felix held his breath, terrified of Jack’s reaction. He’d kept this secret for a reason. Jack had made it obvious he didn’t want any name on Felix’s skin, ever, but now—

“I’m sorry,” Felix blurted out before yanking his wrist out of Jack’s loose, stunned grip. He stumbled back and slammed the door shut. The automatic lock clicked shut and Felix looked up through the window to see Jack was still staring at him in nothing. Felix’s vision blurred with tears. 

He’d given too much away without saying a word. There was no going back from this. Even if Felix survived whatever was about to happen to him, he wouldn’t survive it to be at Jack’s side in the end. Felix forced himself to look at Jack’s face, possibly for the last time. He shuddered through a gasp and tried to keep from losing his shit entirely. “I’m sorry,” he said again, even though he knew Jack couldn’t hear him. 

Jack startled, then stepped forward, mouthing moving, calling Felix stupid. Felix turned, faced the lonely stairs that circled up, and took them three by three. He pushed past the absolute fucking agony in his chest and ran to find this princess. 

The stairs wound up and up, higher than Felix thought they had any right to ascend. He felt almost dizzy, the lights of this place too dim to give him any stability in his surroundings. The blur of his vision wasn’t helping. He kept swallowing down the hitching sobs that kept wracking his chest and throat. He felt as stupid as Jack had just said he was. How had he let Jack see the name? It wasn’t fucking fair. He’d never wanted—

Felix almost fell on his face as he reached the top of the steps, his foot lifting for a step up that wasn’t there. Felix landed on his knees and, for a moment, he didn’t have the strength to get back up. 

He loved Jack. 

He did.

Maybe it wasn’t the right kind of love that Jack wanted from him, but was any form of love really so bad so long as Felix never expected anything from Jack? He didn’t love Jack for something in return. He didn’t want anything except to be at Jack’s side, which was where Jck wanted him too. Was it really so wrong for Felix to love him like he did?

No. What Felix had done was wrong. He’d put that name in his skin without consent, forced a contract without transparency. Felix’s love wasn’t wrong, but the way he loved Jack was. Jack wouldn’t have let any name on Felix’s skin. And Felix had spun Jack into this web of sin and immorality without Jack’s consent. 

“I’m sorry,” Felix choked out to no one. He wouldn’t be able to say it enough to anyone who would listen. He was sorry. _He was sorry._ “I’m so sorry. Please believe me.” Jack had to believe him. Felix’s hands were shaking. He wished he had his knife so he could flay the name from his wrist. He couldn’t believe he done this, couldn’t believe that he’d forced himself on Jack like this. He was a fucking monster, just like every bastard that had taken Felix throughout his life. Felix was no better than any of them for what he’d done to Jack.

“I’m sorry.”

No one could hear him.

Which meant it didn’t matter. His apology didn’t matter, no one would hear him, so it was only wasted breath. Useless. Stupid. 

Felix lifted his head and stood. He had nothing left, except to find this princess the Cremator had told him about. 

He was at the top of the stairs, facing a door. It was made of wood and arched at the top, seemingly medieval, contrasting oddly with the electronic locking mechanism on the wall beside it. Felix took a long moment to collect himself, wiping his eyes with his sleeve, breathing forcefully through his nose to calm down. What he’d done didn’t matter anymore. What he was about to do did. 

He didn’t know what to expect behind that door, but it was unlocked, the mechanism saying as much in flashing red letters. Ethan was probably who he had to thank for that. He didn’t know what he was going to find behind that door. An explosion shook his legs. He walked to the door, laid his hand on the handle, and— stopped.

He heard something through the wooden door, a tune, shifting notes, a song. There was music behind the door. He heard the gradual change of the tones, the rise and fall of a song that he knew. 

_With your feet in the air and your head on the ground— try this trick. Spin it, yeah. Your head will collapse but there’s nothing in it and you ask yourself— Where is my mind?_

He could hear the programmed voice, the person meant to be singing, but there was someone else. A sweet voice, maybe a little amateurish, maybe getting some of the notes wrong, but earnest and pure and lovely. And very, very familiar. The smile of a little girl with dark eyes and dark hair flashed across his mind’s eye. She was spinning on her toes because she loved the twirl of her skirt, she was asking Felix about fairytales and stories of things that had never happened, she was telling him that one day she wanted to see the beach he told her so much about. She was someone who’d known him in a way no one else alive had. 

And in that moment, listening to that sweet voice, Felix knew whoever was behind this door was going to change his life forever. 

He was scared to open it. But he was more scared of what would happen if he didn’t. Felix took in a shaky breath and opened the door. 

He saw a woman he didn’t recognize. She was sitting in a chair, facing the door, singing along to the song playing on a gramophone to the left, her voice shaky, tears in her eyes. She was scared, Felix could see that, clear as day. She was facing the door with a strong jaw, though, ready to face whatever was to come through the door. Her facing the door allowed the shock to dawn on her face when she saw him. 

“Felix,” she said. 

Even though he’d been unable to expect anything, her immediate recognition of him stunned him regardless. Felix rocked back on his heels, unable to bring any words to mind. He stared at this woman, her dark hair and dark eyes, pale skin that hadn’t seen the outside world in what had to be ages because she seemed so shocked that the door itself was open in the first place.

“Felix,” she said again. “How did you find me?”

Felix still couldn’t answer.

The shock in her face bled into confusion. “Do you not— don’t you know me?”

“I’m sorry,” Felix said. “I don’t.” Even though he did. At least, he knew her voice. “Someone sent me here, told me to find you. The Cremator—”

“Elizabeth is alive?”

Felix winced. “I don’t think so. I—” His words failed him again.

The woman approached him, full of worry. “You’ve been gone so long— what happened to you, Felix? Did someone hurt you?”

“I don’t remember you,” Felix told her. “I don’t remember anything.” Then the ground shook and things in the room tumbled over. The room was simple, yet rich. Pastel colors and locked windows, a bed and a vanity and a large wooden closet. This woman had been locked away, but she wasn’t mistreated. She barely even worryingly thin. Felix took comfort in that. 

There was a particularly bad shake and the mirror of the vanity cracked. 

“We have to leave,” Felix told her. “It’s not safe.”

“We can’t,” she told him. “Not yet. We have to bring it down. That’s what you wanted, Felix. Or do you really not remember?”

Felix felt so stupid for how words kept abandoning him. “What are you talking about?”

The woman’s expression twisted into something like grief. “My name is Marzia,” she told him, taking his hand. Felix wanted to pull away, but he didn’t. “I’m the Chairwoman, or I was. I need you to come with me.”

Marzia pulled him back down those winding stairs, to the door at the bottom that was supposed to be locked if the entire mechanism wasn’t broken and the foundation surrounding the door was crumbling. Marzia didn’t speak at first as she pulled him along, navigating the tower like it was her home. It probably was. She was the Chairwoman. Felix didn’t know who Jack was about to kill, but it wasn’t this woman and it was likely someone who deserved it. Felix expected them to go into the glass doors Jack had gone through, but she brought him back to the stairwell and they descended once again. 

“After your parents died getting you and your sister out of the Gates, Ofdenson came to us with Agatha Taylor and offered my father a way out. He didn’t understand what we lost, he thought it could be solved with money, and he was right, but we shouldn’t have trusted him. He killed my father and mother and locked me away and put his daughter— put Taylor— in my place. I didn’t know you’d find me. What happened to you?”

Marzia faltered and looked back to him with sad eyes. “I’m sorry. You probably don’t know any of what happened to you. What have you lost?”

“Everything,” Felix said. “Everything before all of this happened, whatever it was. I don’t remember you or the Cremator or Fanny or—”

“Fanny!” Marzia interrupted as she pulled him down a hallway at the seventh level. “Is she alright?”

“She’s dead,” Felix said softly. 

Marzia’s face fell. “Of course. She would be with you if she wasn’t.” She turned ahead. “I missed you. I missed her. I missed everyone. Maybe it’s good you lost your mind because you didn’t have anyone to mourn.”

Felix didn’t want to tell her how backwards her way of thought was. Having someone to cry over was preferable to having absolutely nothing in his mind. 

“They never touched this. They never had the right keys.”

Marzia was in front of a door, and Felix was fucking tired of doors at this point. They never did anything but lead to places that would make things worse. Marzia wasn’t afraid of the door. There was a label on the front, the word “observatory.” Felix wasn’t sure what there was to observe. “They could have gotten inside if they tried, but they never cared about learning, only about themselves. They could have gone up. They wouldn’t have been able to solve anything. They didn’t have you.”

Felix had no idea what she was talking about. 

“It’s not even locked,” Marzia said as she turned the handle and pushed the door open. “Did they never even look?”

“What the fuck are we doing?” Felix asked as the walls around them trembled with a blast. 

“You were right, Felix, you were always right,” she said, mumbling like she was in a daze. There was nothing but a simple elevator beyond the door, old and made of wire, visible cables running through the center that would pull the cage up. She brought Felix into the elevator cage and it whirred to life, lifting them up. The cage stalled and shook and Felix was almost positive that, if the power went out, they would crash back to the ground and die. 

“We were never supposed to keep this from everyone,” she continued, out of her god damn mind. Felix could see it in her, he could almost feel it. His broken brain told him she wasn’t much better off, just in a different way. “We were never supposed to hide it away.”

“Hide what?” Felix asked. “What I know? The history?” Textbooks of information all sealed away in his brain. 

“Father killed your parents and burned it all,” Marzia mumbled. “Burned it all, so scared of people learning and being like you. He was scared you were right and tried to kill you for it. He was so scared. So scared. You taught me not to hate him, Felix. You taught me that people do stupid things when they’re afraid. Father was so afraid and so stupid and you died for it.”

Marzia dragged glazed eyes to him. She’d been locked away for so long. Felix didn’t know how badly that could ruin a person, but he was sure she did. “But you’re not dead,” she said. Impossibly, she smiled. It was small, yet real, showing white teeth. The haziness became exhaustion. “You’re here and we can finally do what you always wanted.”

“What did I want?” Felix asked. “I don’t know—”

“You wanted everyone to know what you did,” Marzia replied. “You thought they deserved to know.”

The elevator stopped with an awful shudder. Felix held to the metal that made the cage, almost positive they were about to plummet. Marzia didn’t stall for a moment, only took his hand and pulled him to the room they’d reached.

It was an observatory, somewhere atop the tower. The ceiling was made of domed, panel glass that showed the dark sky, full of carbon and poison. Felix wasn’t sure why there was an observatory here, as there was nothing to observe. There was a simply control panel in the center of the room that had three buttons, a strange spire that was part of a hole in the control panel, what looked like a calendar, and three screens that showed three different places. One showed the room Felix had found Marzia in, one showed the lobby at the bottom of the tower, and they other showed—

Jack. 

Jack standing in a beautiful room that was made of wood and copper, his LAR pressed to the forehead of a beautiful brunette that looked alarmingly similar to Marzia.

“That’s Agatha,” Marzia said. “The adopted daughter of Ofdenson. She’s been me.”

“Ofdenson is dead,” Felix said, unable to tear his eyes from the screen. He wished he had audio because Jack was saying something and Felix could see the fury in the line of his spine and shoulders. His heart ached, wanting to be with Jack, wanting to stand at his side and be there the moment Jack achieved his ultimate ambition. Felix hated death, but he wanted to be there when Jack killed the false Chairwoman and pinpoint the moment Jack finally achieved peace. Instead, he was here, helping Marzia achieve whatever insane thing she thought Felix had wanted. 

“Do you know him?” Marzia asked, watching with Felix. “He looks so angry.”

“He should be,” Felix said. “Agatha helped kill his whole family.”

Marzia looked to Felix with bright, keen eyes. “You look sad.”

“I should be with him,” Felix said. “Instead, I— I think I betrayed him.”

Marzia nodded sagely. “What he’s doing means nothing. Whether or not she’s dead, what we’re going to do will change everything in a way your friend can’t imagine.”

“You really don’t care?” Felix asked. “She locked you away for fourteen years.”

“It wasn’t all bad,” Marzia told him. “I was able to do a lot. I tore apart old things to make new things. Father burned the books, but he let me keep the music, as did Ofdenson. I learned to paint and write with beautiful letters and I—” She cut herself off. “It wasn’t all bad. It couldn’t have been all bad.”

It suddenly occurred to Felix that this was the woman he’d been meant to marry.

He dragged his eyes back to the screen, where Jack was shouting something. Finding his answers. Felix subconsciously reached down to his wrist and clutched at the name. At the end of this, the ink would be the only thing Felix had left of the man he loved. “What are we doing?” Felix asked, solidified in whatever this new purpose was. 

“We’ll show them,” Marzia said, her daze returning, slipping in and out of her mind. “It’s what you wanted, what I swore I’d do for you after you died. We have to show them.”

“We will,” Felix told her. “Just tell me how.”

“Only we can do it,” Marzia said, practically rambling. “Only direct descendants of the Chair and the Scholars. One of each is all that’s needed, but all of you died. All of the Scholars were killed by my scared father.”

“Renato,” Felix said, slowly piecing it together in his mind. “Chairman Renato needed both his lineage and mine to do something. Why? What had to be kept locked down so tightly? And what does this have to do with me? All the stuff I know? How does that— I don’t—” Felix dug his fingernails into the ink. “I don’t understand any of this.”

Marzia looked to him with sorrowful eyes and the building shook. The tower was going to fall apart at any minute. “I promise I’ll tell you if I can,” she said. “But Felix, you have to help me. I can’t do this alone. My father was terrified of you, but even more scared when all of you died. He had no way to bring it down. He went to Ofdenson for help, he needed to get some part of you back so the Scholar line wouldn’t end. No one will trust us to leave, not with the way the sky looks. You have to help me bring it down.”

Felix had no idea what she was talking about. “Tell me what to do.”

Marzia pointed to the spire that was starting to look more like a needle. “It needs to know it’s you.”

Felix’s brain worked quickly. “DNA extraction can take thirty minutes and days to analyze,” he said, spitting out what he knew and how this couldn’t work. 

“You’ve lost your memories,” Marzia reminded him sadly. “You have no idea how long humans have been here.”

Felix finally paid attention to the calendar. It was handmade, old, and Gregorian. The year it last showed was 199. “How long have humans been here, Marzia?” he asked, his voice shaking. “We’re in year 213. The continent is.”

“It’s year 2744, AD,” Marzia told him softly. 

Felix felt dizzy. With everything he knew, he hadn’t known when the old world had ended. He knew how, just not the when. “We’re so fucking old,” he said, a broken laughing tightening his voice. 

“They knew so much,” Marzia said. “It takes seconds, Felix. It has samples to compare you to, it’ll know it’s you, much like it would prove who’s your family.”

“What if I’m not who you think I am?” Felix asked. “What if I just look like the right person?”

Marzia frowned. “Surely you remember _something_? Something about me.”

The tune spun lazily in Felix’s head, always at the back since he’d first remembered it. “A song,” he told her. “I remember you singing it to me. It’s the same song you were listening to before I opened that door and found you.”

Her frown became a gentle smile. “It’s an old song,” she told him. “ _Where Is My Mind_ by the Pixies.” That barely meant anything to him. “I don’t think you know what you wanted, but I can promise you’ll want it even now if you knew what it was. Please help me, Felix. I need you to help me.” She looked to the small spire. “Like Sleeping Beauty pricking her finger on the spindle. It’ll only hurt for a moment.”

“How do you know it’ll work?”

“I don’t,” she replied simply. “But we have to try.”

Felix spared one more selfish moment to look to the screen. Jack was still talking, still listening, still trying to find his answers. Felix would give anything for Jack to turn and—

Jack turned, listening to someone behind him, and Felix was given what he wanted. A last glimpse of Jack’s face. Even on the grainy footage, he could see the brightness of Jack’s eyes, the extra glint of tears. His expression was filled with pain. Whatever answers he’d been given so far, he hadn’t wanted to hear them. Felix’s heart broke for Jack. 

Then he turned to the spire, the needle, pressed the meat of his thumb deep into the horrible pointed top, and watched his blood leak down into the perfect cracks surrounding. After a few seconds, a light lit up green on the dashboard, just a simple little circle of confirmation. Marzia stepped forward and did the same, their blood sliding together into the crevice. The light next to Felix’s— the only two on the top of the dashboard— lit up green as well.

Felix stared at the lights, waiting for something to happen. There was a deep, thrumming noise, but it could easily be machinery backfiring from the explosions that were rocking the entire building. He gave them only a few more minutes before the entire building collapsed, buckling and crumbling to the ground. Nothing happened, even with the low thrum. The screen Jack was on caught his peripheral. Everyone in the room was staring out at something with pure shock. Even Jack’s gun was lowered. Then Felix felt something warm on the back of his neck and the lighting in the room became a gentle, golden glow. The creeping shadows from some new, overhead light had Felix holding his breath. He was almost scared to look up.

“I never thought it would be so blue,” Marzia whispered.

Felix looked up and saw—

He saw the sky. 

Blue and endless, the sun high in the sky, with the moon encroaching just along the horizon line the observatory created. The blue deepened at the edges, glimpses into the emptiness of space beyond. The warmth of the sun brought him back to a beach, his toes in the sand, holding his sister’s hand with his parents just behind him. The roaring of the waves of his memory fell in time with his heartbeat pounding in his ears. 

Felix stared up into the bright blue sky and loved the way it hurt his eyes. “I thought we killed this,” he said.

“I did too,” Marzia murmured. “But you told me we didn’t and I always knew I could believe you.”

Felix wanted to stare. He wanted to look into that sun until he went blind. He wanted to peered into the blue and see that stars that would be beyond. He wants to study the moon, the gentle changes in shades of gray that spoke of the craters and scars the moon bore from protecting the earth for so long. He wanted to look forever until he no longer had sight to use.

But the tower was shaking. It was going to collapse. 

_”Felix— fall—need to leave!”_

Ethan’s voice in his ear— possibly the last time he’d hear from him again— spurred Felix into action. “Marzia,” he said, tearing his eyes away from the sight he’d only ever seen in his broken memories to take her by the hand and pulling her out of her hypnotized gaze. “We have to leave. This place is going to fall.”

“I always thought that was how I’m supposed to die,” she told him. “The building wuould fall and I would be crushed underneath it.”

“Fuck that.” Felix only had a moment to see that the screens were suddenly no longer powered and the lights on the control panel were off. Whatever they’d done to bring down the false sky had shut down the electricity, at least in this room. “You’re not dying here,” he promised her as he pulled her from the room to the rickety cage of an elevator. It had looked so different because it was different. It was running on power independent of everything else in this place. It was designed in mind for this very scenario— the end of the world.

That was what Felix had just helped cause. He’d brought about the end of the world. Or at least, the world they had now. 

Felix pulled Marzia close as the took the cage down, wary of needing to find a way out at any moment. The decent was agonizingly slow as the walls fall apart around them. He had a countdown in his mind, but he didn’t know how accurate it was. “Did you see it?” Marzi asked, her eyes glazed. “It went on forever.” She couldn’t meet his gaze. “I think I’m scared of it.”

The elevator stopped and Felix yanked her out, ignoring the ceiling literally falling atop them. He went to the stairwell he’d climbed, but Marzia’s steps were faltering. Felix was about to be frustrated until he realized that she’d been locked away for fourteen years, she couldn’t go anywhere but that room, couldn’t get out and use her legs like she should have. She didn’t have the strength to go on forever. Felix looked back at the woman, the real Chairwoman that he’d been meant to marry, and then lifted her into his arms, carrying her, relying on pure adrenaline to get them down the stairs. 

The steps were breaking apart under his feet, shifting and throwing his balance. Felix didn’t know if he would make it. Marzia was so light in his arms, her arms around her neck, looking back up at the stairs Felix had come down. Even as Felix tried to outrun death itself, he wondered if she was sad to be leaving.

The ceiling was collapsing as Felix got to the bottom level, into the lobby. He could see the exit, the doors that had light— natural light, holy shit— spilling through them like a sign from some god. Felix ran for it, rubble falling all around, always too close for comfort. Felix didn’t even have time to look around. He ran for the door, barely holding onto Marzia. The sound of the tower breaking around him was deafening. He thought he heard screaming. The ground beneath his feet was shifting and falling away. He wasn’t going to make it.

Felix shut his eyes, ducked his head, and just _ran._ Something fell atop his head, something sharp that created this awful ringing, but he didn’t stop. He felt warmth trail down his scalp, his face, tasted iron on his lips, but he didn’t stop. He couldn’t stop. 

He didn’t realize he’d broken out until the ground stopped falling away and he felt the—the sun again. The warmth felt so welcoming, deep down in his bones and brain, in a way he’d never felt as this version of himself. Felix stumbled and stopped running, turning around to look back just in time to see the last of the tower fall. The rubble opened up a hole in the wall of the continent. Felix thought he could see green beyond it, but it was hard to tell with the bright white flashes in his vision, blinking in and out. He didn’t care about that. All he cared about was that he didn’t know if Jack had made it out. Marzia squirmed and swung her leg, pulling herself out of Felix’s grip to stand on her own again. She wasn’t looking out at the green. She was looking behind Felix, her once-glassy eyes now wide. “There’s so many of them.”

“Felix…”

Jack’s voice had relief sweeping through every vein in his body. Felix fall back on his heel and surged into Jack, knowing he would be there because he always was when Felix really needed it. Jack’s arms caught him as Felix’s legs gave out. “Felix, you’re bleeding,” Jack said, his voice raw at every edge. 

“I’m so sorry,” Felix said, his own voice slurring a bit. Was he actually hurt? Something had hit him, hit his head. God, it was always his fucking head. “I think I ruined everything.” His face was in Jack’s chest, he was surrounded entirely by the other man. He felt Jack’s fingers graze— brush against the name on his wrist. Felix shuddered. His head swam. “There’s something wrong…”

The world was going from white to black at the edges and Felix slipped into nothing. He heard Jack call out his name, the panic audible like the sky was, was _blue._ Felix had ruined everything. That was his last thought as everything else bled away. 

. . .

_Felix stood on a beach, curling his toes in the sand. Fanny’s hand in his own was warm and a little clammy, so he squeezed tightly to try and comfort her. A hand rested on his shoulder, and he looked up to see a man— his father— smiling down on him._

_“It’s wonderful, isn’t it?” his father asked, his voice deep and familiar, stitching something closed in Felix’s chest. “They used to use these seas for trade and food. Huge creatures live in these depths, though they must look different than they did before. Do you know why?”_

_“Radiation causes mutation,” Fanny said._

_“That’s right,” his father affirmed. “And there was a lot fo radiation after the bombs dropped.”_

_Felix craned his neck to look past his father, down the landscape of the world, to the huge, stone walls that stretched high, a huge dome of gray surrounding and stretching even higher._

_“Don’t look back there, Felix,” His father chided, gentle fingers turning Felix’s gaze back to the ocean. “We won’t be able to come back out here for quite along time. You must savor what you have.” His father breathed deep, then let it out slowly, a smile coming across his face. “Isn’t it amazing? All of this. Untouched and protected. We must protect it a little while longer.”_

_Felix didn’t understand that. He loved the blue in front of him, but he couldn’t forget the gray everyone lived in. He wanted them to know this existed. He wanted them to know._

. . .

His bed was really the worst place to come back to life in. 

Felix now had two occasions to provide testament to the fact. His mattress was too soft and unwelcoming and his sheets were almost as threadbare as his sweater. His ceiling was bare and boring and not the sort of thing that would instill you with gratefulness for being alive. If anything, the dull gray was so mind numbing it would leave you wishing for death again. And his room was stuffy and Felix hardly felt like he could call it his room because there was nothing in it to make it truly his. The pillow beneath his head was like a cloud as always and his shoulder was already hurting from the terrible way the mattress put his spine. 

“You’re awake.”

Felix groaned, suddenly aware of a distant, piercing ringing in his ears, and shut his eyes. “Where’s Marzia?” he asked, grimacing at the scratch of his throat. His head fucking hurt. So did the rest of his body, but his head was definitely the worst thing off here. 

“She’s fine. Safe. I guess. Ethan’s helping her.”

Ethan was probably the best person to be able to handle Marzia, with his history with his mother. Felix didn’t want to say Marzia had the same physical traumas, but there was definitely something wrong with her cognitive abilities. Felix moaned softly in pain. but the noise cut off abruptly as the tough of fingers to his wrist startled him.

Felix’s eyes flew open to see Jack standing above him with an unreadable expression. Jack was looking at the name on Felix’s wrist.

“I haven’t seen that name in so long,” Jack whispered. “I’d almost forgotten it.” Jack paused, his fingertips tracing the letters. Goosebumps raised on Felix’s flesh and he tried to pull his wrist away, unable to handle Jack touching him like this. But Jack enveloped Felix’s entire wrist in his grip and held fast. “Say it,” Jack prompted softly. “Say it, Felix.”

Felix couldn’t breathe. Jack’s gaze dragged from Felix’s wrist up along his body to Felix’s eyes. His eyes pierced through Felix, pinning him to the mattress. Jack’s grip burned Felix’s skin. 

“Say it,” Jack ordered.

“Seán,” Felix said. Jack shuddered, Felix saw it and felt it where they touched. 

“I haven’t had anyone call me that in so long,” Jack said. “I don’t know why ye’ stopped.”

“You had everyone call you Jack,” he said.

“You’re not everyone, Felix.”

Felix definitely couldn’t breathe now. 

Jack’s thumb ran over his name in Felix’s wrist. “Why this one?”

Felix swallowed hard and forced his lungs to work again. “It was back when Signe told me I could lose my memories again if I wasn’t careful,” he explained. “I didn’t want everything to be erased again, so I got this ink to make sure I’d know what mattered if I lost everything again.”

Jack nodded. “Yer name, yer birthday, and… and me.” Jack shuddered again. “Why didn’t ye’ tell me?”

“You hate this,” Felix choked out. “You said it so many times, that you never wanted anyone to own me, never wanted any name on me. Reyes tried and you were so fucking upset. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to be angry. I, I did this without your consent. If anyone saw this— fuck, Cry saw it. It made it legitimate. In the eyes of the world, you own me, even though you don’t want it. You don’t agree to it. You hated everything about it.”

“Something tells me that the eyes of this world won’t matter for long. And ye’ don’t understand,” Jack said. “I hated it because you didn’t have a choice. But this— you did this.” He grimaced and pressed his thumb into Felix’s pulse. “Maybe I don’t like the idea of ye’ being owned like some object, but if ye’ made the choice yerself, at least I don’t have t’ worry about this happening against your will.”

Felix bit his lip. “I have another reason. For not telling you.” Jack looked to him with a furrowed brow. He gave Felix a nod for him to continue. Felix opened his mouth, tried to get it out, tried to tell Jack the truth, but his brain just blanked out and the words didn’t come.

“Ye’ can’t say it,” Jack said.

“You don’t even know what it is.”

Jack’s expression swam into something cold and Felix was amazed by the plethora of emotions he was being shown. He was pretty sure Jack hadn’t felt so much in quick succession in years. Felix worried for him. Feeling so much all at once had to be tiring, so he sat up with great effort and pat the bed, down by his knees, offering Jack somewhere to sit. Jack didn’t even hesitate in slumping onto the mattress, elbows on his knees, face in his hands. Felix watched him for a long time, waiting for him to talk. It wasn’t like they had anywhere to be.

“… I think I did something bad, Felix.”

Felix continued to watch him. Jack would always tell him if he felt like he needed to. He took the moment to look the other man over, searching for injuries. He hardly believed Jack could do anything bad enough that Jack would actually feel some sort of regret. But after a long moment, Jack didn’t continue. Felix had taken his fill of looking— not really, he’d never stop, but— and knew that maybe it was up to him, for once. “What did you do, Jack?”

“I think I killed the world.”

Felix tried to sit up again, and this time, the pain was less in the face of his need to get whatever the fuck was poisoning Jack’s thoughts away from him. Jack didn’t even move to push Felix back down, which was alarming enough. Felix tested the turn of his shoulder, felt it pull at the stitches in his side, then reached out to rest a hand on Jack’s shoulder. He hoped Jack wouldn’t notice how he was trembling. Pain or anxiety or maybe just having the chance to touch; Felix didn’t know. 

“The woman— Chairwoman. She said shit, Felix. Made me realize shit.” Jack shook his head, and Felix wished he could see his face. “God, I’ve only ever barreled through this world with tunnel vision. You know that ‘bout me better than anyone and ye’ve always tried to set me straight, but it was too much for one person. I just tore through it all, burnt the whole thing down, and made ye’ into the child setting fire to leaves that everyone will look back on and blame.”

Felix had no idea what he was talking about, but he hated ever having taught Jack that poem.

“Everyone’s evil,” Jack whispered. “I’ve always known it. Now look what I’ve gone and done. Put all these evil people back into that beautiful world where they can kill each other without abandon because now no religion ties brother t' brother and no one can hand out resources with a bit of fairness, so everyone will just take and take and take.” Jack’s breath hitched. “She was right. I killed the world.”

Felix didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t been there when Jack had spoken to the Chairwoman. He wondered where she was, but only for a split second. Jack had met his final enemy, face to face, and Felix hadn’t been there. The Chairwoman was undeniably dead. “You didn’t bring down the sky— I did.” Felix sighed. “You always have thought so little of everyone.”

Jack finally turned to look at him, and what Felix saw broke his heart. Jack hadn’t looked so raw around the edges since his family had died. “What am I going to do, Felix? We were better off in a cage.”

“What makes you think people will just kill each other?”

“You’re the one with the fucking encyclopedia, Felix, you tell me what the pattern of humanity shows itself to be. At least we were contained. At least we couldn’t kill the very planet that kept us fucking alive. We’re poisonous. We’re ugly.”

“Even me?” The words caught in his throat, tearing something important out of his chest and putting it out into the world. It was something Felix had always feared, but something he’d always been too scared to ask. Jack had never made it a secret that he thought the worst of everyone but…

Jack was watching him with slowly dawning horror. “How can ye’ ask that? Ye’ve never been anything but the exception.”

Felix didn’t know what he felt, but it wasn’t relieved. He shook his head, the movement making him somewhat dizzy. “What?” Jack demanded. “Ye’ don’t believe me? I know that all the others think I’m a fuckin’ asshole, but I'd thought ye’d’ve known better.”

“You’re so angry,” Felix almost whispered. “And I know why. I understand why you’re angry, you have every right to be. I feel like I’d be angry too if I could remember anything.” Jack looked odd at that confession, but Felix couldn’t stop here. “But you’re angry, Jack, and no one can quell that anger. All I ever do is fail you. I can’t mean anything to you, not really. You can’t afford to care about someone like me.”

He looked down at his hands. “I knew you cared, I really did, but that didn’t mean that I was actually anything meaningful to you. I didn’t know you cared about me beyond Robin or Signe or anyone else. They all were exceptions to you in some way, too. Robin would help you with strategy and give you anything you could want. Signe was the person you talked to at night. I-I knew I meant something, but I never thought I meant very much.”

Jack’s expression washed calm. He stared into Felix for a long time, across the room, arms over his chest as always. His expression was gentle and appraising, like he was judging Felix’s worth, but not in a way that made Felix feel worthless. He crossed his legs with the sheets pooled around his waist, waiting patiently. He realized his torso was bare, save the bandages wrapped around the stitches on his waist. He didn’t feel exposed like he would have with anyone else. Jack had seen more than this.

Jack suddenly began to move, walking slowly across the small room to stand in front of Felix. Felix looked up at him, eyes half-lidded, expecting Jack to speak. He almost jumped when he felt Jack’s hand on his face instead, fingertips pressing lightly to the warm skin of Felix’s cheek. They lingered there, like they were cataloguing sensation. Felix almost leaned into the touch, but then it moved down, along his jawline, setting off sparks. They slipped from the corner of his jaw down the tendon of his neck, into his collarbone and grazing along the pale jut of the bone. 

Then Jack moved his hand back up. Felix swallowed hard when nails dragged along the curve of his Adam’s Apple. The fingers continued up. Felix didn’t know what Jack was doing. His confusion whited out when Jack caught the pad of his thumb on Felix’s bottom lip. Felix’s breath hitched, a visceral reaction from his heart skipping. He pushed into Jack’s touch then, eyes fluttering shut, parting his lips to draw more of Jack’s thumb in, feeling out of his mind. He didn’t know what was happening, didn’t understand, but Jack was the one initiating this, and Felix wasn’t about to give up this opportunity. Jack tasted like sweat and iron and a thrill shot through Felix. There was a low breath of “oh fuck,” from above. Felix looked up at Jack from underneath his lashes. Jack was looking down at him with dark eyes. “Well that answers _that_ question.”

Jack pushed Felix back onto the bed, straddling his waist in one smooth motion, his thumb slipping out from between Felix’s lips to be replaced with his fore and middle finger. Felix gasped and swallowed them down like they were Jack’s cock, tilting his head back as he splayed out across the mattress, doing everything he could to entice Jack with his body and make him stay. He was going to take full advantage of whatever had overcome Jack to make him want this like Felix did. Felix lifted his hips off the bed to push against Jack, moaning around the digits as all the blood rushed below. 

Jack sat down on Felix’s hips, pinning him. His eyes were dark, but there was something frantic to the hand that reached down to push up Felix’s shirt. This was new territory for him, Felix could tell by the way the hand explored the flat planes of Felix’s stomach and chest. Jack was used to women, to curves and soft skin and rolling flesh. He barely knew what to do with a man. Felix looked up at Jack was a wanton expression, knowing that if he tantalized Jack enough, if he brought him to the brink of control, Jack wouldn’t need to think. He’d just act. Felix wanted Jack to feel safe enough to let go, even if only this once. He swallowed around Jack’s fingers, wanting him to want to put something else in Felix’s mouth. Jack pulled his fingers back and Felix tried to move up the bed, thinking he knew what was about to happen. He paused, though, when Jack sat back on Felix’s legs and cast his eyes away, pulling his shirt off from over his head.

Felix hadn’t expected that. He stared at Jack’s bare torso, practically drooling. He wanted to run his hands along the dips and turns in Jacks chest, wanting to trace muscle with his tongue. He wanted to find out if the flesh above Jack’s heart tasted different than at his fingers. 

Then Jack surprised him again by taking Felix’s jaw in both hands and pulling him in for the sweetest of kisses Felix had ever experienced. It was foreign to Felix, almost shy. Jack parted his lips against Felix’s, but he didn’t push forward for more. Felix could feel Jack’s hands trembling. “I don’t know how to do this,” Jack confessed shakily into his mouth. “But I want to. I want to give this to you. Whatever I have, whatever ye’ want, whatever I can— i-it’s yours. I owe you as much.” Jack moved back just enough to look Felix in the eye. The desire was gone. His expression was hardened by what he thought Felix expected of him. “Take it.”

Felix stared at Jack in his lap, at all of the skin, his shiny lips, his body being offered, and felt inexplicably angry. Felix reached out, snatching Jack by the hair and dragging him down onto the bed as Felix turned and lifted himself above, ignoring the pain in his side. He switched their positions, looming above Jack with fury in his eyes. Jack gasped in surprise at the sudden change and his hands raised to hold onto Felix. For a moment, it looked like Jack was worried Felix would hurt him.

Instead, Felix shoved his hand down the front of Jack’s pants, wrapped his long fingers around Jack’s half-hard cock, and bent low to sink his teeth into the meat of Jack’s shoulder. Jack cried out and arched up into him as Felix’s hand worked feverishly, an obscene noise slipping out of Jack’s mouth at the sudden onslaught. Felix lifted his head and kissed Jack hard.

“You think I’m like the rest of them,” he growled against Jack’s lips while Jack gasped for air, hips moving in time with Felix’s hand, knees coming up like he couldn’t cope. Felix swiped his thumb over the slit of Jack’s cock and used the precum there as lubrication, his hand moving faster. “You think all I want to do is take.”

Jack’s mouth hung open, his eyes looking up at Felix with desperation as strangled sounds came out. He threw his had back against the pillow with a twist of Felix’s wrist, writhing on the sheets. Felix swallowed down a possessive growl, and nipped at the skin above Jack’s pulse. “You think that all you have is something you can give up for me.”

“Oh god, Felix, what’re ye’ doin’ to me,” Jack babbled, his fingers scrambling for purchase across Felix’s back. His feet slammed down to plant on the mattress so he could fuck his cock into the circle of Felix’s fingers. 

“I don’t want anything from you, Seán,” Felix hissed into his skin. “I only want to give you all of me.”

“Felix, Felix, I ain’t gonna last, oh fuck, Felix!” Jack chanted Felix’s name like it was a prayer to god. Felix could feel the edge of Jack’s pleasure in the way Jack’s thighs were tightened around his waist. Jack cried out helplessly, his eyes fluttering back as Felix dug his thumb into the slit and then dragged his hand all the way down to twist at the bottom. “Felix, please!”

“It’s okay, Jack,” Felix murmured, softening his voice as Jack lost control of hisself. “It’s okay. You can trust me.” He pressed his lips to Jack’s heated forehead. It was almost like he had a fever. “I’ve got you.”

A full-body tremble wracked Jack’s frame as he came, crying out into Felix’s pulse. He bowed off the bed, a perfect arch, thrusting helplessly into Felix’s grip as his body spent itself. The nails digging into Felix’s back broke the skin and Felix couldn’t move for how tightly Jack’s thighs were holding him. Then he dropped back onto the mattress, gasping, boneless. His eyes were hazy with lingering pleasure and stared into nothing as the aftershocks ran through him, making him shiver. 

Felix pulled his hand from the front of Jack’s pants and brought his dirty fingers to his lips, idly tasting Jack. It definitely wasn’t the worst he’d ever had. Felix looked over Jack’s exhausted frame and mentally reminded himself to ask just how bad Jack’s previous partners had been— how bad Signe had been— for a handjob to be able to ruin him like this. Then Felix pressed his hand to Jack’s stomach, felt him breathe, felt the lack of tension, and smiled.

Jack turned his attention to Felix then, wrapping a weak hand around Felix’s wrist to keep him there, rubbing his thumb over his name in Felix’s skin. Felix shuddered and leaned down again to press a chaste kiss to Jack’s lips. He’d never kissed anyone chastely before, but he remembered Jack’s parents doing it and telling him it meant they loved each other. Felix also thought he could remember his own parents doing the same. “Ye’ have t’ know what ye’ mean to me now,” Jack said. “Please.” Then Jack let go of Felix’s wrist to reach for the front of Felix’s pants, but Felix pushed the hand away. Jack almost looked hurt. “Don’t ye’ want—”

“I do, but I want to make a point,” Felix told Jack with the tiniest smile. “I’m not out to use you for anything.”

Jack looked up at him with what could only be reverence. “Missed that smile,” he breathed. “So very much.” Felix’s heart shuddered in his chest. “I love you, Felix,” Jack said. “I don’t know any of your fancy poems, so let me say this— no matter what end I led us to, how many lives I ruined, or how many people I killed, how many things I sought to destroy, you are the only person I have ever sought to protect.”

Felix shut his eyes and let the words sink in like medicine.


	14. The Red

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AO3 links aren't working???? like the HTML is screwy so here are just the flat links i'm sorry 
> 
> Jack and Felix https://pseudthis.tumblr.com/post/178670351144/jack-and-felix-in-the-continent-by-arf
> 
> POD https://pseudthis.tumblr.com/post/178670340574/bonfire-pod-ref-by-arf
> 
> Map of the Continent https://pseudthis.tumblr.com/post/178670331074/bonfire-map-by-arf
> 
> Amazing guy who made them https://archiveofourown.org/users/arf/
> 
> go check out that cool shit!!!! Arf is fucking rad and i love the things he made. that is the map of the continent and that is the canonical design of a pod. go love those things as much as i do!

While waking up next to Felix wasn’t exactly a common occurrence, it happened often enough for Seán to have a system.

After swallowing down and stemming the panic that came with waking up and finding Felix completely still, widely unresponsive, and breathing so shallowly that Seán almost couldn’t see it at first, he’d check the pulse, check the regularity of said near-invisible breathing, check Felix’s temperature, and then check for wounds. Once again, he found Felix to be very much alive and relatively unscathed, aside from older injuries. The relief he felt upon establishing this was also familiar. He couldn’t count how many times in his life he’d feared Felix had died in his sleep. Or died while out on the streets between Jack’s parents’ shifts. Or died when leaving their base for whatever fucking reason. Or just died from walking down the stairs because he was a clumsy oaf.

Seán couldn’t help the (still familiar) fondness that swelled in his chest as he watched Felix sleep for a moment longer, his fingers pressed to Felix’s inner wrist— the wrist he didn’t normally check, because suddenly, his own name was there. Seán didn’t know— He couldn’t have imagined—

Felix wasn’t something that could be owned, even if some of those bastards out there wanted to. But Felix had been content with the idea of Seán owning him. Seán didn’t know what to do with that information. 

He sighed and reluctantly let go of Felix’s wrist before standing. The covers slipped away and Seán was suddenly reminded that he was shirtless. A thrill ran through him, sharp and heady, heat filling him at the memory of what had happened an hour or so ago. Felix had—

Felix had said he wasn’t like anyone Seán had been with, and he was _right._ All of the girls Seán had been with had been about themselves, focused on their bodies and expected Seán to be the same. It was how all girls were, in his experience. Guys just wanted sex so they should feel lucky to have a girl in their bed at all and they needed to show how fucking grateful they were by giving her everything and they should show their gratitude in any way they could and feel lucky that she was letting him use her to get off.

Of course, Seán knew all girls weren’t like that. He knew Amy had to be one of those better girls, too. The way Amy and Mark were when they thought no one was watching— Seán had remembered being so touched and jealous at the same time. He’d never really had someone look at him like that from what he could remember. He only remembered the girls expecting him to make them feel good and they expected him to be able to get off on that alone. He’d thought that, maybe, he’d never experienced that because he’d never deserved it. Signe had been like the other girls. Take, take, take, and be grateful that she’s bothering to hold all of his disgusting baggage, even if for only a moment. Signe had used him. Felix hadn’t. Felix had—

Seán cut off that train of thought, physically shaking his head to keep himself from thinking any further. He didn’t have time for this, didn’t have time to ruminate and get lost in his head. Seán had work to do. Seán quickly dressed, but allowed himself a moment of selfishness. Felix had plenty of sweaters, after all. Seán took one, pulled it over his head, and then pulled his own shirt over and atop it. It would be warm, but no one would notice anything they shouldn’t. He saw that scarf the old woman had given Felix folded neatly compared to the way the rest of Felix’s clothes were crumbled and swallowed down that fondness again. He had things to do.

He gave Felix one last glance— chest moving, lashes fluttering, pulse still thrumming— before leaving the room in a burst of energy. 

The wall had fallen, the continent was freed. 

_“Children like you will only kill the world.”_

Seán swallowed thickly and kept moving. The continent was freed. There was no acting government in function, and even if there were, their jurisdiction only stretched within the continent. Going beyond, into the green world no one had ever known existed, was going to be out of bounds for them. Felix had called that the Wild West, hadn’t he? Or something like that. All bets were off out there. 

While Felix had been asleep, Seán had checked with many of the people on the upper levels, informed them of their new freedom, told them what they did from here on out was up to them. Seán only had a few more people to check with— his own people. Robin, Ethan, Signe, Mark, Amy, and Tyler. 

Seán grit his teeth and tried to ignore how short the list was. Losing Sive had been—

He didn’t have time to think about that. Even though the newest bloodstain in Seán collection was from Sive, he didn’t have a moment to spare. Sive’s body had been lost in the collapse of the tower, so there would be no closure to be found for any of them. There was no point in agonizing over the loss. Not yet. Seán had work to do.

He wasn’t surprised to see most of the people on his list gathered around the tin tables of the war room when he walked in. Ethan, Robin, and Felix’s new friend weren’t here, which was probably for the best. He had better luck talking to people in smaller numbers. But Seán couldn’t look at Signe, who was on the opposite side of the table from Mark and Amy. Maybe he needed to handle her entirely separately.

Seán had a list for the list. Wellbeing, outcome, concerns, intentions. Those four points would cover just about everything he needed to know when it came to the thoughts of the people he had brought into this mess. He’d been the one to upend things. It was his responsibility to ensure that the others, somehow, came out somewhat on top. 

“Signe,” Seán said, putting on his “in charge” voice. “Go up and put away yer stuff. I’ll be there in a moment.”

Signe looked startled that Seán was talking to her, but nodded and quickly left. Seán couldn’t help the way his shoulders slumped a little once she was gone. His chest wasn’t as tight either. Hopefully no one would notice.

The look Mark was giving him said he fucking noticed. Seán fought down a grimace and looked to the happy couple. “I’ve t’ talk to ye’.”

“One at a time or are you brave enough for both?” Amy asked with a raised brow. Fucking hell, her sharp wit was going to be the death of him one day.

“Both is fine,” Seán said.

“I’m surprised you’re out here,” Mark commented. “I’m assuming Felix is awake?” He narrowed his eyes at Seán, judging him and trying to ascertain what had happened between him and Felix. Seán was sure he fully intended to go to Felix once this conversation was finished and check him over for bruises. It reminded Seán of what Mark had told him when they were returning home with Felix’s limp body between them.

_”I knew about the name, okay? But I didn’t know it was you. I kept telling him to go to you to find out where that Seán was, but I— I just never thought that it would be you. I’m sorry, but don’t you dare take this out on him.”_

“Felix is fine,” Seán told him, softening his tone so Mark would believe him. Not that softening his tone had ever worked out for him before. No one ever listened to him unless he was yelling and it got more than a little annoying. “We talked. I don’t— I’m not angry. About the name. Marzia. The, the fuckin’ sky. None of it. I’m not angry at him.”

Mark still didn’t stop glaring holes into Seán. “If I found out you hurt him—”

“Did ye’ know he was in love with me?” Seán asked, pushing past the frustration to find the answers he wanted. When Mark hesitated, Seán pressed. “Did ye’?”

“It was the way he and I first connected,” Mark admitted. “He knew I was in love with Amy and trying to hide it—”

“Poorly,” Amy added.

“— And I knew he was in love with you. It wasn’t— I wasn’t about to tell you. He asked me not to. Are you upset with him over that?”

Seán dug his fingernails into the meat of his palm, letting the sharp pain keep him from getting angry. He thought hard about what he was going to say next, went over every possible way he could convince Mark that he wasn’t about to hurt Felix, when Mark’s gaze was caught by something around Seán’s lower body, and his eyes went wide. “Isn’t that Felix’s sweater?”

“I didn’t fuckin’ steal it from his corpse, if that’s what you’re thinking,” Seán snapped before he could stop himself. 

“Oh my god, did you guys do anything?” Amy asked, eyes wider than Mark’s. 

“Holy shit,” Mark breathed. “Did you get in a fight with him?”

Seán scowled. “It ain’t any of yer fuckin’ business, ye’ hear me?” He didn’t know— He wasn’t sure if he and Felix were anything so he couldn’t defend himself with the truth. Seán wanted to be something. He’d wanted to be something since he’d seen Felix crumbled in that dirty room in Hakaragi, fighting not to cry. He’d wanted to make Felix his in a way that made Seán hate himself if only to keep Felix safe. “Don’t ye’ dare go shoving yer nose it places ye’ shouldn’t.”

Mark’s brow was furrowed. “Don’t you fucking hurt him.”

Seán suddenly realized that the feeling in his chest that he’d thought was anger was actually fucking pain. He wouldn’t hurt Felix. Never on purpose. Why couldn’t these people understand that? He’d said it so many times— then again, he’d proved otherwise just as many. Seán tore into the palm of his hands with his fingers and just switched. 

Wellbeing, outcome, concerns, intentions.

“Are ye’ both okay?” he asked, wary of how hard it had been on all of them to see Sive’s body, empty and lifeless. And the words the false Chairwoman had spouted before everything came falling down— Seán would completely understand if they weren’t okay. If they were the furthest thing from it. 

“We’re fine,” Amy said, decidedly more neutral than Mark. She’d been around Seán much longer than Mark had. She knew him better. “A little shaken. I didn’t know the sky was that blue, you know? I mean, I’d heard people talk about it in the past, but never really been able to imagine it. And all of that green…”

“It’s definitely a little life altering,” Mark agreed, though he was still fucking glaring at Seán. 

“I know what ye’ mean,” Seán sighed. “I just— I’m not ignoring what was said by Agatha. I want t’ make sure none of ye’ feel like ye’ have t’ shoulder any blame for this, okay? It’s not on you.”

Oddly, Mark and Amy both traded confused glances before looking to him. “What?” Seán asked warily. 

“Do you blame yourself?” Amy asked. “Agatha said some shit, I totally get that, but you do realize that it wasn’t like you did any of this shit, right? Like, Agatha was the one killing people, and Felix and Marzia brought the sky down. You didn’t do any of this.”

_“Children like you will only kill the world.”_

“Right,” Seán said quickly to cover the lie. “So are ye’— I mean, are ye’ both satisfied?”

“More like lost,” Mark said. “Not sure what to do from here.”

The thing Seán loved about the lists he made for himself was that people usually moved through the list on their own. “What do you want to do?” he asked gently.

“We’re not sure,” Amy admitted. “There’s just so much out there, you know? And we don’t understand any of it. It’s nothing like what we’ve always known. I just— I wish we had someone to lead us.” Then she looked meaningfully to Seán, and—

He should have known

It would never be over for him.

Not really.

Seán nodded. “I’m planning on getting with Felix as soon as I can t’ see what he might know out there. I…” He planned on going out. Seán wanted to leave the Continent, unable to feel safe in a place that had taken so much from him, and hoped Felix would come with. “I’m gonna leave,” he said, knowing he would go if he could. “If ye’ need t’ come, then feel free. It’s a whole new monster out there. Safety in numbers.”

They looked relieved. Seán was happy to give them some solace. 

“Could I ask a favor?” They nodded. “Bring some food t’ Felix. He hasn’t eaten in a while and I want him t’ get his strength back quickly.” They nodded a second time. Mark’s gaze was sharp again, though. He cut his eyes down to Felix’s sweater— the bottom just barely visible beneath the black of the shirt Seán had atop it— but gave Seán a small, mocking salute. 

“I’ve t’ talk to Signe,” Seán said, feeling sick at the thought, but also unable to be treated like a danger by Mark any longer. For a moment, Amy looked like she pitied him.

“What did she do?” Amy asked.

“Did she do something?” Mark’s brow furrowed. “What could she have done? Signe is completely harmless.”

“No girl is harmless,” Amy said, her gaze softening the longer Seán failed to answer her question. “Everything was going so fast, Jack. What happened?”

_”If you really care about me, you'll leave with me._

“Nothing happened,” Seán sighed. “We just didn’t— we didn’t click. And she’s having a hard time accepting it.”  
“Because you’re, what? Figuring shit out? Using Felix?” Mark asked critically.

Seán was so fucking tired all of a sudden. “I wouldn’t have been with her regardless of whatever happens with Felix,” he said evenly, still refusing to give anything away. “She and I ain’t good together. Sorry if I lost ye’ any money.” Seán actually wasn’t sorry. When he’d found out about the betting pool, he’d felt absolutely violated. Having all of these people observe him and lay their bets, like he was some fucking experiment and they wanted to see if he met their standards. It made his skin crawl. 

“Sorry, Jack,” Amy said softly. She looked like she meant it, but it didn’t make Seán feel any better.

“Get Felix some dinner,” Seán requested again. “He’d love the company, I’m sure.” For one horrifying moment, Seán worried that Felix would boast what he’d done to Seán like Signe had. He quickly stamped that fear down. Felix had been hiding his feelings for so long. He deserved a moment of gloating. If Felix needed to boast of how he’d had Jack under his thumb and at his mercy and—

Felix wasn’t like that. He just, he wasn’t. Couldn’t be. 

Seán realized he’d been standing silently for a moment too long. He gave a dip of his head in lieu of goodbye and ducked away, needing a moment to himself before he went up to Signe. And that moment to himself would come in the form of climbing the stairs to her shotty medical room because he didn’t have time for much else.

Each step made this pit in his gut roil and hurt. His jaw hurt from grinding his teeth so much in an effort to keep controlled. Seán would be digging his nails into his palms if the flesh wasn’t already moments of stress away from breaking open and bleeding. And then Signe would see the blood and insist on treating the self inflicted wounds and Seán— 

He would not allow that. 

_He would not allow that._

Seán made it to the level Signe worked from far too soon and wanted to just turn back and go downstairs and maybe even find Felix again. He wanted— he needed to talk to Felix. He needed to work out some thoughts, some problems, he needed Felix to be the ever-loyal shoulder for Seán to lean on. But Felix had also experienced some life changing moments of his own. He arguably didn’t have time for Seán.

Shit. 

He didn’t have time at all, Seán knew he didn’t. Felix had to help Marzia and he had to figure out what he wanted to do with the new world in front of them. Felix was the only person who had any understanding of what was out there. Maybe Seán should suggest to Felix to lead people along.

No. 

That wasn’t fair.

Felix would never ask for that responsibility, so Seán would never give it to him. 

Seán cursed himself. He’d wasted too much time, standing in front of the door that led out to Signe’s level. He needed to talk to her. Wellbeing, outcome, concerns, intentions. Wellbeing, outcome, concerns, intentions.

“Wellbeing,” Seán said to himself. “Outcome. Concerns. Intentions.” He gave himself a selfish split second more of stalling and then opened the door, steeling his gaze and his stance and his steps. He marched through the hall and into Signe’s little office. 

She wasn’t paying attention to him, bent over a container that had to be full of some sot of necessary medical supplies. 

For a split second, Seán’s chest hurt.

He’d used to trust her.

Not very far, but more than most people.

She’d lended him an open ear and had even encouraged him to spill his plans and thoughts and concerns about the war he was raging and dragging her into. She’d pushed for Seán to talk to her and Seán had been desperate to have someone help carry the weight that wasn’t Felix because Felix was already carrying so much. 

Seán had told her so many things. Confessed so many worries. She’d—

Seán cleared his throat for her attention. Signe startled, but her eyes softened tellingly when she saw it was him. Seán wasn’t sure how he’d missed her being in love with him— probably the same way he’d missed Felix. Seán was just an obtuse asshole and everyone knew it but him until now.

“Jack,” she said, saying his name like it was an embrace. Seán fought a grimace and gave her a short nod. 

“I’ve a few question for ye’,” he told her, staying in the doorway because he liked having his escape routes. “Just a couple things t’ go over. Logistics, thoughts, such and all. We’re at the end of the one road, heading into another.”

“Of course,” she said. “I’m happy to help.”

She’d said that to him every night Seán had pulled her aside, later than they should be up, and just thought aloud. Hearing her say it now revolted him. “How’re ye’?” he asked. “After everything. How are you holding up with the way the world is now?”

“Truthfully? I’m hopeful.” Signe smiled at him. “So much has changed. There’s so much potential! We can completely rebuild the governmental infrastructure, ditch those old ways that promoted near-segregation of the districts. Central will no longer be able to monopolize technological and social progress. We can rebuild into the future we’d always been meant to have.”

Seán processed this quickly. “You’re planning on staying.”

“Aren’t you?”

That explained the hopefulness she’d talked about. That had been her favorite word to use when referring to Seán’s eventual emotional growth. She’d wanted him to be able to hope again. Signe was staying in the Continent and she wanted Seán to stay with him. 

“I know I messed up.” Seán brought his attention back to Signe and saw she was blinking away tears as she spoke. “I broke your trust in me. Took advantage of you when you needed to be able to trust someone to look out for you. You put on this gruff, strong exterior, but you need a helping hand just like the rest of us, and I took advantage of that momentary weakness and used it for my own— pleasure.” Signe flushed a deep red when she said this, lowering her eyes to the floor, demure. “I shouldn’t have done what I did. I know you said you’re done with me. I don’t think…”

Signe sighed and started again. “Everything you and I have been through is all too much to just pretend never happened,” she told him. “I know you may not like it, not after what I did, but I know you better than most people here. Maybe not best of all, but, well. Felix is a special case. I know you think that I’m just out to use you again, but I swear I’m not. I meant what I said. I love you, Jack. And I think— this may be cruel to say, but I don’t think you’ll be able to open up to anyone like you opened up to me ever again. I think. I think you’re better off finding that hope and peace if you trust me to prove myself to you again. Prove that I’m good for you. That I… that I really do love you.”

Seán’s nails broke the skin of his palms. “I kissed Felix,” he told her abruptly. Signe reared back like she’d been slapped and Seán sickeningly relished it. “Kissed him. He kissed back. Let him push me to the bed and take—” That wasn’t right. Felix had explicitly denied wanting to take anything from him. “Let him touch me,” Seán corrected. He felt his own ears heating, but he refused to show shame. Not when it came to Felix. 

“I don’t know if I love him,” Seán continued softly. “I don’t know if I’m even capable of that. But I do know that if there is anyone in this world that I can trust t’ never hurt me on purpose, it’s him. And he— I feel like an idiot for never noticing how he felt for me. But I can’t change the past. I can’t change how I’ve hurt him. All I can do is make sure that I don’t make the same mistake. I-I wanna— be. With Felix.” His throat was too tight. Seán didn’t know why, but he was scared. “I wanna be with Felix.” He felt like he should say he was sorry, but again, he couldn’t show her shame. Felix deserved better than that from him. 

Signe hadn’t said a word.

“Felix is leaving,” Seán told her. “At least, I’m almost positive he is. And ye’ have to understand, yeah? I’m going with him. That’s all I’ve ever planned t’ do. Even if, in some fucked up reality, you and I actually ended up in some sort of relationship that was beyond what we are now, I would still follow him. And I wouldn’t hesitate t’ leave ye’.” 

Signe was crying.

Seán was just an obtuse asshole and everyone knew it but him until now.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly, safe to feel shame when it came to his own horrible faults. “But I’m going with him. I wish ye’ luck here. Please— don’t follow. Ye’d only be making yourself unhappy. We did it, Signe. You get that, right? Now you’re gonna build that future that you dreamed of. Don’t let me get in the way of it.”

“You really let him touch you?” Signe asked. “Felix is—”

“Think hard on what you’re about t’ say,” Seán warned. “I’m not— ye’ don’t say shit about Felix, got it? That’s always been the rule and that hasn’t changed.”

“You’re straight, Jack, you aren’t even attracted to men.”

Seán sighed. “What the fuck does that even mean anymore? Everything’s all fucked t’ hell, Signe. Wouldn’t you jump at a chance at happiness even if it was a girl and you were supposedly straight?”

“My chance at happiness isn’t a girl, it’s you.”

“Then you’re gonna be unhappy,” Seán said harshly. “Because I can’t, Signe. I can’t be around ye’. The thought of your hands on me makes my skin crawl and I don’t fully understand why, but if my instincts tell me t’ run when you’re around, I’m gonna listen to them.” Signe sobbed, an ugly sound that gave Seán another set of instincts to grapple with. For everything that Signe had done, she was still part of Odin’s Chosen, and Seán was responsible for her wellbeing. “I’m sorry,” he said, because it was the only thing he could think of to try and fix this. “I can’t change this about myself, Signe. I’m so sorry.”

She looked away, crying into the palm of her hand. Seán grimaced and realized he still needed to complete that fucking list he’d made. Even if they were… they weren’t anything, he needed to make sure she was going to be okay. Especially as they were about to part ways. 

“If you’ve any lasting guilt for what happened with Agatha and the tower, I want ye’ t’ know it’s unfounded,” he told her. “We did the best we could—”

“Sive is dead because of you,” Signe cut in. “And you think I would be feeling guilt?”

There was a sting in Seán’s hand, telling him his nails had dug too deep. It wasn’t like he could do any truly lasting damage to himself, but he certainly wouldn’t heal as cleanly as he could have if he hadn’t pushed too far. Sive was dead and it was his fault. Just like Brad’s death. It was all his fault. 

“You’re angry,” Seán said. “I get it.”

“No, you don’t,” Signe snapped. “I gave you everything. My life in your hands, Jack, as so many other people did. You killed another one of us and now you’re trying to say I should feel guilty? Why, because he was dead before I could get to him? I did my job, Jack, which was to keep everyone safe that I could. You were the one who failed.”

Seán’s palm was wet with his own blood. “Of course,” he said with a diplomatic bow of his head. “Let me know when ye’ plan t’ leave, if you leave before I do. I’ll give my goodbyes as well. Mark and Amy are with us, I’m about t’ talk with Ethan and Robin as well.” Seán turned to leave. “Good luck, Signe.”

“Luck hasn’t done a damn thing for me,” she bit out. “It never saved me. You were supposed to do that.”

Seán left, unable to have the last word. 

There was an ugly feeling in his chest, tight and black and hateful. It made him want to hurt someone and he couldn’t be around anyone when that black tar was covering his senses. 

The blood in his palm felt eerily similar to the arterial blood that had surged sluggishly from the wounds Sive’s body had suffered that had ultimately killed him. Pieces of metal and rebar jutting out of his body from where the steadily collapsing tower had impaled him. The glaze in his eyes, the way the corpse had still managed to look at Seán in vapid accusation, saying “you did this” beyond the grave. 

Of course Seán knew the blame for Sive’s death lied solely on his head. He hadn’t been trying to accuse Signe of any of that, he’d only been referring to the way Agatha had pinned the evil of the world on people like them. Seán hadn’t meant to—

What he’d meant didn’t matter, the outcome was the only thing that did. He’d made her even more upset and she’d lashed out. She’d spoken her true thoughts, ones she wouldn’t normally dare voice, because she knew they would effect Seán in the way she wanted. Signe was smart. For all of her passionate outbursts, she never took the power of words lightly. Every word that left her mouth was something she meant, and she had every right to put Sive’s death on Seán’s head, because that was where it belonged. 

_“Children like you will only kill the world.”_

Seán went back down the stairs, weary. He wanted nothing more than to just forgo the rest of his responsibilities for the next hour and just find Felix and maybe ask to hear that familiar poem. Though the poem wouldn’t help with the guilt, at least it would create some semblance of familiar ground. 

When he got back to the bottom levels, to the war room, the first person he saw was Felix. Instinctually, every bone and muscle in his body bled away into nothing, his mind knowing that Felix equalled safety and reprieve from stress and guilt. His body knew Felix was only old peace and good and that was exactly what Seán needed right now, he needed to just not feel anything except the numbing relief of acceptance, except—

Felix wasn’t alone. 

Ethan, Robin, and the girl— Marzia.

There were all with him, sitting at one of the tables they’d pulled away from the rest, talking idly. 

Since Seán wouldn’t find the reprieve he needed, his mind locked onto the other instinct. 

Felix was smoking and that shit was going to kill him.

Seán strode forward and took the cigarette from between Felix’s lips. He didn’t let himself linger with the accidental touch of the top of his fingers to Felix’s wet lips, the soft touch that was remnant of the kisses they’d shared. Seán kept a stony expression as his heart jumped damningly in his chest. He tossed the cigarette onto the floor and stamped it out.

“Ye’ survived a fuckin’ rebellion, it’d be bullshit if ye’ let lung cancer kill you.”

Felix rolled his eyes and slid his pack from atop the table into his back pocket. He had one cigarette left, Seán knew that. He wouldn’t take that just yet. He preferred to allow Felix small doses of the nicotine so that once Felix finally ran out, he wouldn’t have to experience true withdrawals. “Pretty sure being part of a rebellion makes me an adult that’s allowed to make his own decisions.”

“Fuck off,” Seán said with no bite. He looked to the others at the table, didn’t let himself take stock of how Marzia was frowning at him. He put his attention on Robin and Ethan. “I’ve t’ talk to you both.”

“Are we in trouble?” Ethan asked, pale faced. 

“Hardly,” Seán scoffed. “We’re done. I ain’t in charge of ye’ any more.”

“Since you’re wanting to discuss some things, I thought I should let you know my plans,” Robin said, speaking up for once. Seán gave a nod, crossed his arms over his chest. He was listening. 

“I have no intentions to leave the continent,” Robin told him. “While we don’t know what’s out there, I can assure you that there’s no running water or power. I’m not going out there because someone like me isn’t meant for that kind of shit. So I’ll be staying behind.”

Seán frowned. “Staying behind?”

“You’re going out, aren’t you?” Robin wasn’t wrong to assume that, but Seán still wanted to know how he came to that conclusion. “You hate this place. You wouldn’t stay here even if you were the only one to leave. You’d rather be out there and alone than in this place.”

Seán just barely kept back the ice that laced through his chest. At least it broke away the ugly tar. “Not sure just yet,” Seán said, going for hedging rather than trying to push any decision on Felix. “But you should know Signe will be staying in the continent as well.”

“She is?” Ethan asked. “So you are staying.”

“I think it’s safe to assume that where Signe is going to be, Seán will make sure _not_ to be there,” Felix said, sounding brazenly confident. Seán arched a brow at him. “What?” Felix asked was with innocent shrug of his shoulders. “You said it on the elevator. You’re done with her.” There was a twinkling in Felix’s eyes, an added statement that he wouldn’t say aloud. Seán wasn’t going to be with Signe because he was going to be with Felix. 

“That’s too bad,” Robin commented. “I’d always thought she was really good for you, Jack.”

“Fuck that,” Felix said with no aggression.

“Can I ask something?” Ethan grinned at Felix. “Since you and the Chairwoman were betrothed, does that mean you and Marzia are, like, gonna stick with that?”

There it was again. That ice in his chest. No more rage, which was nice, except now Seán felt like he couldn’t breathe.

He hadn’t thought of that. Felix had always been so obsessed with knowing who he was, who he had been. He’d clung to every little iota of information he’d learned about his old self. The memories, the rumors, the people who recognized him. Even now, Felix was sitting beside Marzia, close enough to make Seán wonder, because Felix didn’t like to be touching people he didn’t know, yet his shoulder was brushing Marzia’s in a closeness he wouldn’t even allow Seán. What if—

“Marriage is a construct,” Felix said idly. “Marzia just came out of being a legitimate prisoner for fourteen years. And no offense to her, but—”

“I’m not his type,” Marzia cut in with a simpering smile. She winked at Felix— fucking winked at him— and Seán wasn’t sure what he was feeling anymore. Icy anger? Maybe something like disgust? Couldn’t be disgust, not when it came to Felix. Fuck, Seán was so tired. He was still bleeding, too, he’d hidden it by crossing his arms, but if he wanted to walk away from this, he’d have to move his arms down and showcase the blood on his shirt. And he hadn’t even—

“Ethan, what’re your plans?” he asked.

“I, uh.” Ethan paused. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “I just. I know that I won’t make it on my own anywhere. I’m not that kind of guy, you know? I’m all soft and breakable. And I cry easily. You guys haven’t seen it yet, but you can get these waterworks going with just about anything. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“Come with us,” Felix said.

“And who’s us?” Seán asked.

“You, me,” Felix replied without hesitation. “Marzia. Mark and Amy too, right? That’s what they told me. We’ll bring Ethan too.”

Ethan looked relieved. Seán ached in knowing he was part of the _us._ Of course he would be. Why wouldn’t he? Felix was in love with him. Even if Seán couldn’t—

God, Seán was awful, though. Expecting to be part of Felix’s _us_ when he couldn’t even love the boy back. Seán was just— he was the _worst._ And there was that guilt again, churning his stomach. He was very much used to the sensation at this point. He’d been feeling it for years. 

“Come with us, Ethan,” Seán said, extending the invitation so Ethan would know he had no argument against it. “Safety in numbers.”

Ethan smiled so brightly that Seán finally understood why people used to relate smiles to the sun. For anything, Seán was glad that Ethan would be coming along. He made Felix comfortable in his skin in a way Seán had never managed to achieve. And for once, Seán wasn’t jealous of someone else having that ability. Ethan was just— something else. 

“I can’t wait to be out there,” Marzia said, his voice soft and lilting. “I’ve always wanted to see it. You told me so many stories of what you saw, Felix. I’m sad that you don’t remember any of it.”

“Felix doesn’t need to remember it,” Seán said. “He’ll see it again.”

Marzia shook her head. “It’s not the same.”

“You okay, Jack?” Felix asked. 

“I’m fine,” Seán replied automatically. Of course he was fine, he couldn’t be anything but. Now he had five people to care and account for when going out into the big unknown. They’d need supplies and portable shelter and weapons that wouldn’t rely on an energy source for recharge. They’d need to scout out safe areas, they’d need to figure out weather patterns, they’d need to learn what kind of threats would be out there. There was so much to do and Seán needed to make sure they didn’t set out into that wilderness only to be killed within the hour. 

“Jack.”

Seán looked to Felix again, frowned at the way Felix was looking at him. “What?”

“You sure you’re fine?”

“Yes,” Seán stressed, forcing a tone of annoyance. 

“You’re bleeding, Jack.”

Fuck. “I was helping Signe pack some shit when I cut myself on one of her fuckin’ medical knives,” Seán lied easily. “She sent me away cause I’d become more of a hinderance than help.”

“She sent you away without bandaging the wound?”

“Fuck off, Felix, I’ve things to do.”

Felix sighed.

“Don’t talk to him like that,” Marzia snapped. “He’s your superior.”

“Holy shit, no I’m not,” Felix said. 

“You need to show him respect,” Marzia insisted. “I’ve heard things about you from the others here. I’d thought I was free of dictators like you.”

Ice.

So much fucking ice.

Right in his chest, right through his heart. 

Ice and awful.

“I’m gonna start collecting some shit we would need,” Seán said. His arms crossed over his chest felt more like self-defense than hiding at this point. “Felix, I’d love t’ hear whatever ye’ know could be out there, from flora t’ fauna, but don’t push yourself if ye’ don’t know any particulars.” He doubted Felix didn’t know particulars, because Felix knew fucking everything and it was sort of fantastic and amazing, but he didn’t want Felix to stress himself out. “I’ll be below with the weaponry if ye’ need me.”

He made a speedy escape, went back to the stairs, felt Felix boring holes in his back. He didn’t uncross his arms. He had one last person to talk to.

. . .

“You look terrible,” Tyler told him as he stripped down a long range LARS, not looking at Seán. “And that’s a lot of blood.”

Seán grimaced and didn’t address that. “Do ye’ have anything that doesn’t need energy or batteries?”

Tyler looked up so Seán could see the furrow of his brow. “What, like those archaic guns Felix got hit by?”

“Not that,” Seán replied. Not only was he certain that guns required more resources to function, like bullets, but he also wouldn’t be able to stomach holding one without remembering the way Felix had bled in his arms, going colder by the second. The way his expression had gone lax with encroaching death. The way he’d been talking, reciting that poem, and then suddenly— nothing. 

Seán had almost lost him. He’d come so close to losing Felix. He could have lost everything in that moment, his reason for fighting, his one solace in this world, and his fucking sanity. The only thing Seán could remember after Felix essentially dying in his arms was the taste of the blood of the people he killed in the rage following. 

Seán’s heartbeat was suddenly too fast, fight or flight kicking in and settling on fight. The adrenaline rush that came with the memory had never lessened. Every time he pictured Felix lying lifeless in his arms brought forth this unquenchable bloodlust, this need to kill anything in his path because they’d taken Felix away from him, they’d taken the only thing he had left, they’d taken—

“Easy, Jack.”

Seán startled, snapping back to himself with a ragged gasp to find he was bent over and breathing wrong. “Fuck, sorry,” he said, wiping his brow with the back of his hand because that was all he could do to make himself seem okay. 

He was grateful it was only Tyler in here. Tyler had seen a number of Seán’s momentary lapses in grasps of himself. Since Tyler had the machines of death, Tyler got to see what death did to Seán. It just went hand in hand.

Tyler didn’t say anything, hadn’t moved from the spot. He watched Seán carefully, keeping that same, calculating gaze he always wore when he was witnessing one of Seán’s lesser moments. Another reason why Seán liked Tyler was that he didn’t ask questions. Tyler had been around cold blooded killers like Seán his whole life. He knew better than to approach, lest he be put in danger. 

“You good?” Tyler asked after a moment.

“Yeah,” Seán replied once his breathing was back under control. “Sorry. Got a little lost there.”

Tyler nodded. “Same as usual or same as lately?”

“Same as lately.” Seán kept a stiff jaw. “Back to what matters— do ye’ got anything that doesn’t need an exterior resource to function?”

“Like what?” Tyler asked. “You guys have knives. Like a rifle that uses natural bullets?”

“Think more caveman.”

Tyler’s brow shot up. Then, “You’re going out there, huh?”

“Yeah. Are you?”

Tyler shook his head. “I don’t like going out into unknown shit. Not as adventurous as you guys. I’m gonna hang back with my dad. There’s gonna be a lot going wrong in this place without any acting government. I don’t want to leave my family to survive all of that while everything’s being rebuilt.”

Seán felt like shit. He’d broken everything down and now he was about to flee the aftermath. What a fucking—

“Do ye’ have anything?”Tyler pursed his lips in thought. “… I’ve got some novelty shit,” he finally said. “Felix may be the know it all, but we’ve got _some_ information and artifacts on how it used to be. And I brought some of it with me.”

Seán winced. “Nothing else then?” He wouldn’t ask Tyler to part with things that meant enough for him to carry around. 

Tyler didn’t respond. He went back into the lockers he had for the different LAR and LARS he’d stockpiled for them. He opened the furthest down the line and pulled out this fucking— this sword. It looked gorgeous, really, detailed elegantly. The metal was clean and glistening and the sword itself was sharpened. Tyler has taken good care of it even when it remained largely useless. It meant something to him. Tyler swung it gracefully, letting it arch through the air, and then held it out to Seán. “I’ve also got a bow,” he told Seán. “I’ll grab that for you. I can teach you how to use it, but you’d also have to be able to make arrows because you can’t always retrieve them from the shit you kill.”

“I can’t take this from ye’.”

“They collect dust,” Tyler said. 

“I can’t take this from ye’,” Seán insisted. “I can’t.”

Tyler leveled Seán with a sharp eye. “Take the bow, then.”

A compromise. Seán could do that, if only to alleviate Tyler’s pushing. 

“And I’ll give the sword to Felix.”

Seán felt a whine of agony building in his throat. He didn’t want Tyler to part with his collected items but— 

Felix could get _hurt._

Knives wouldn’t work, they brought risk too close to the chest. Felix would need to be able to protect himself at arms length, as far as he could be. Fuck, Seán almost wanted to give Felix both weapons, but—

He had four other people to watch after. 

Once again, Seán felt the crushing weight of responsibility. His breath felt short again. “Tell him I’m insisting he has it,” he told Tyler. “He won’t listen otherwise.”

Tyler nodded, looking pleased. “I’m your supplier,” he explained. “I need to be able to give you guys ways to protect yourselves, to the end. Thanks for letting me do this.” Seán was about to argue that he wasn’t comfortable taking Tyler’s special collection when Tyler continued. “All of it,” he said. “I know that this was all led by you, that you’re the fire for the flame, but I’d like to think I’m was of some use to you. Thank you for letting me do something with the violent shit my family runs. Makes it feel a little less like evil and more like a purpose.”

Seán frowned. “Dealing weapons ain’t evil. Yeah, bad people use them for bad things, but they’re just as necessary for stopping the bad too. Ye’ can’t fight back against LAR with yer fists.”

“If we didn’t have weapons in the first place, the bad people couldn’t shake their angry fists and have people listen,” Tyler argued. “But that’s the hubris of humanity, isn’t it? We also need weapons for food. Not many options there.” Tyler laid the sword down on the table amongst the LAR, history among the present, and went back into the locker. He pulled out this convoluted looking bow. 

“It’s technically a crossbow,” Tyler told him. “Tactical compound crossbow. I have a shit ton of arrows for it, a good hundred. My dad actually made this one, he said that his father and father before that had shown him blueprints. It took him ages to make this. He’d be happy to see you using it. You’ll find the scope somewhat limiting, but don’t be afraid to use it if you’re hunting or whatever. I imagine you guys are gonna find animals out there— actual animals. Kinda crazy. You’ll need good knives for skinning and stuff. Cutting the meat away. And you’ll need shit to make fires.”

Seán frowned again. “You know a lot about hunting.”

“My family, apparently, hunted before the continent,” Tyler said. That surprised Jack. Very few people knew anything of their history before the continent. Jack had never known anyone who really knew what they’d done before. “I never did, but we passed down stories. Abilities. I can show you what I know. It won’t be much, considering I’ve never done it before and only know the steps, but it’s better than nothing, right?”

“Anything you can teach me is appreciated.”

Seán switched his brain, ignoring all of his problems and things to do to absorb what Tyler was going to teach him. 

This would be vital to Felix’s survival. He couldn’t afford to lose focus.

. . .

“When do we leave?”

Mark was the first person Seán saw after emerging from the lower levels, the tactical crossbow slung across his back and quiver around his waist. He was wearing the equipment so he could get used to the weight. He wanted to be prepared as possible. 

“Morning,” Seán told Mark, keeping his expression neutral so Mark wouldn’t see how tired he was. “We’ll want as much daylight as we can get t’ navigate. Tyler’s offered a POD, one he can get from farmers. It’ll last us to get out quickly, until the power runs. I need ye’ t’ pilot.”

Mark nodded. “I can do that. Smart thinking.”

“It was Tyler’s idea.”

“Of course.” Mark looked just over Seán's shoulder. “What’s that?”

“Tactical crossbow,” Seán replied. “Best long range weapon we’re gonna get.”

“And you know how to use it?”

“Tyler taught me,” Seán said, trying to be as dismissive as possible. He didn’t want Mark to feel doubts about their safety, or at least, have as few as possible. “For lack of intelligence, I’m a quicker student, I promise,” he said. 

Mark frowned. “I never thought you were stupid, Jack.”

Fuck. Seán hadn’t counted on that. “Felix is the genius,” he said, trying to get out of this. “Just don’t worry, yeah? It’ll be fine. If I really suck at it, I’ll let one of ye’ use it rather than me.”

Mark shrugged. “I’m sure you’ll do a good job.” What an odd change of character in Mark. 

That made one of them. “We leave in the morning,” Seán reiterated. “Tell anyone that wants t’ know. Tyler’s gonna be going back into the continent with his da’, I’m not sure where Robin and Signe are going, but they’re hanging back as well. Tomorrow, us six are heading out.”

“Do you know if anyone else has left the continent?” Mark asked. “Any civilians?”

“Fuck if I know,” Seán replied. “It doesn’t matter. Anyone that leaves is every man for hisself.”

Mark frowned. “Even us?”

“Of course. No government will protect us.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

Seán had to think for a moment. “… I’m not gonna leave any of ye’ in the dust,” he said after he’d muddled his way to a conclusion. “I’m not— I won’t abandon any of ye’ if it gets rough out there. If we head out and get mauled day one, I’ll be the first t’ go down. That’s how it was always supposed to be and that’s how it always will.”

“Even Felix?”

Seán narrowed his eyes, but not at Mark. “What about Felix?”

“If it came down between saving me and saving Felix, who would you choose?”

Seán’s heart fucking stopped. “I can’t answer that.”

“You can,” Mark insisted gently. 

“No.”

“Then I’ll answer for you. Save Felix.”

Seán didn’t say anything. He gave himself a second to think and then nodded. He wondered why Mark was suddenly being so understanding and so accepting of him and his motives and just— Seán was so confused but too tired to think anything of it. “Save Felix,” he echoed. “That’s all I’ve ever really done.”

Mark smiled gently and it was foreign for Seán to see directed at him. “Good. I’m excited to explore the old world with you, Jack.”

Mark turned and left— probably to find Amy— and Seán wished he could say the same. 

. . .

He’d wanted to see Felix.

He’d needed to pack.

He had things to do.

Seán hadn’t been able to see Felix.

The sun rose— _the sun rose_ — and found Seán with six packs all lied out with freeze dried foods and lightweight sleeping supplies and other necessities, along with four extra packs that they would load into the POD. Seán planned on them running the POD into deadness and use it as a base for a bit, spreading out in different directions, but returning back to the pre-existing shelter it provided. 

In the back of Seán’s mind, his brain reminded him that he hadn’t slept in over forty eight hours, since before taking down the tower and Agatha. He couldn’t have slept when Felix was unconscious, of course not. The head injury had been mild, barely even a concussion, that’s what Signe had said, but Felix was unpredictable in every way, including his ability to possibly die in the face of a minor injury. Seán hadn’t been able to take any chances. 

And now he’d spent all night making sure they would have everything they could possibly need (that Seán could supply) packed (aside from clothes) and Seán was—

Seán was tired.

So very tired.

He sat on his knees in front of the packs, felt the rising sun warm his body uncomfortably, and listed to the side, exhaustion dragging him down. Seán shook himself, tried to stay awake, because they needed to leave soon. It was morning and he had things to do. He needed to do a head count, show everyone the best way to carry these large packs, make sure none of them hurt their backs. He’d made sure everyone was carrying a fairly equal weight, save Marzia. The girl was too frail, Seán kept her pack light to make it easier on her, and easier on the rest of them if they’d have to take the pack from her. He also needed to make sure that everyone packed three sets of clothes at variable coverage and warmth and coolness. And he needed—

Seán listed again and almost fell over, but was caught by a set of hands. He startled violently, sitting up and getting halfway to his feet. “Don’t touch me, I’m fine,” he said, not knowing who was here, until—

“Jack, you’re exhausted,” Felix said, concern hedging his voice, though it didn’t show in his face. For a moment, all Seán could see was the way Felix’s expression had been so open— so possessive and protective and passionate— when he’d taken Seán in his hand and made Seán fall apart. All Seán saw in Felix now were the things he was trying to hide. Seán hated it. He reached out, wanting to take Felix’s face in his hands and—

Seán dropped his hand quickly and looked away. “I’m fine,” he told Felix. “We’re t’ leave soon.”

“I’ve never seen you this tired,” Felix commented. “Not for a long time, at least.” Felix sighed unhappily. “God, Jack, you can’t keep doing this.”

Seán flinched and yanked away from Felix. “You’re right, you’re right,” he said. He had shit to do. “Give me an hour. Have everyone grab three sets of clothes, yeah? One for cold weather, one for warm weather, and one neutral, preferably good t’ sleep in. We travel light.”

Seán trusted Felix to handle that, trusted him to follow the order, if only to allow Seán a moment of respite. 

Seán fled to his room, shutting the door and shutting off the lights. He dropped onto his bed as he re-prioritized. Felix had been right, Seán couldn’t get any of his necessary tasks done if he was tired. All he needed was an hour of rest, and then he’d be fine. They’d have to leave a little late, but this would give the others time to eat as well. They were all so used to living off of quick meals. They’d be fine. 

Seán had counted seven minutes— he counted to fall asleep, it was the only thing that worked— when he heard his door open. He was so tired that he reacted too slowly. He hadn’t even turned around by the time his bed sunk underneath the weight of a second, unknown person. Seán threw his elbow back, ready to catch the fucker in the face, until—

“It’s me.”

Seán sighed raggedly in relief at the sound of Felix’s voice. “Should fuckin’ know better than t’ sneak up on me.” He was able to relax for only a second before tensing again. Felix was lying down behind him, the front of his body pressed along Seán’s back. Felix looped an arm around Seán’s waist, pulling him even closer into Felix, his backside fitting snug against Felix’s hips. 

“Is this okay?” Felix asked, his voice reverberating in Seán’s ear, his breath ghosting along the flesh and giving Seán goosebumps. Seán relaxed again and reached down to the arm around his waist and the hand on his stomach to tangle their fingers together. 

“It’s good,” Seán replied, his own voice a whisper. He’d never slept alongside Felix like this before, but it wasn’t— 

It wasn’t bad. 

Felix was warm. Familiar. Safe. Seán had never slept with his back to anyone but family and Felix. It was weird to do it again, but—

It really wasn’t bad.

Seán felt sleep tugging quicker than it ever had before and was asleep before he was able to restart his count and reach ten seconds.

. . .

“Wake up.”

Seán lurched awake violently, only held down by the arm pinning him. It took him a moment, but he then remembered how he’d fallen asleep and with who. Seán groaned unhappily, until he remembered something else—

He had things to do.

Seán sat up quickly, his head spinning unhappily, but didn’t let that slow him down. Felix let out a noise of protest as Seán turned to nudge him. “Let me up,” he requested. “We’ve got t’ leave.”

“It’s the world, Jack,” Felix reminded him gently. “It’s not going anywhere.”

“But we will. Let me out.”

Felix frowned. “I’m worried about you, Jack.”

“Stop calling me Jack.”

Felix’s frown deepened. “If you—if you’re second-guessing us—”

“Fucking hell, Felix, I’m supposed to be Seán to ye’,” Seán sighed. “I thought we went over this. To everyone, I’m Jack, but you’re not everyone. I want— I need ye’ t’ call me Seán. Please.”

Felix kept frowning. “Okay. Seán.”

Seán nodded. “And I’m not— I don’t even know what we are, Felix. But I know it’s a ‘together’ thing. So don’t ever think I’ll leave, yeah? Just— that ain’t something you need to concern yourself with.”

Felix nodded back. “Are you nervous?”

“No,” Seán said. “Can’t afford t’ be.”

Felix sighed. “People used to say you became a robot when you have a goal.”

Seán winced. “If ye’ feel I’ve been, like, neglecting ye’—”

“I didn’t tell you that to make you feel bad,” Felix interrupted. “I told you that so you would know just how badly other people read you. Thing is, as you’ve said, I’m not one of those people. I’m not everybody. I know you’re not a robot. I know you feel shit. You can tell me.” Felix paused. “Maybe I’m not as easy to talk to as Signe, but—”

“Shut up,” Seán snapped. “Don’t— don’t bring her up. She doesn’t belong here. Between us. Don’t say her name. Please.”

Felix searched Seán with a gaze that made Seán want to hide. “What did she do?”

“Nothing,” Seán said. “We’ve wasted time, Felix. We gotta go.”

Felix nodded. “Can I kiss you?”

Seán’s breath caught in his throat. It was altering, to know that Felix— his Felix, the boy he’d known for so long— wanted to kiss him. Why? What on earth did Seán have that appealed to him? Felix was like— he wasn’t like the rest of them. The rest of humanity. He was above them, in a way that Marzia had alluded to, and Seán wholeheartedly agreed with. Felix was just so much—

He was so much.

So much more.

He was perfect, he was above everything and everyone. He was beautiful and Seán wasn’t—

He couldn’t tell Felix that he felt like he didn’t deserve him because they didn’t have time for the conversation that would inevitably follow. So Seán just bent his elbow, dipped down, and pressed his lips agains Felix.

Kissing Felix felt so different in a way that was indescribably good. He was warm and wet against Seán’s lips, and familiar enough to Seán’s instincts that he could afford to close his eyes and get lost in the action rather than keep his guard up.

Seán parted his lips into the kiss, pressing deeper, tasting Felix in a way he hadn’t had the wherewithal to manage yesterday. Kissing Felix was new, but addicting. He didn’t taste like anything but Felix, which was comforting. His tongue shyly met Seán’s, tentative and knowing just how new this was for both of them. A thrill went through Seán in knowing they were both in uneven territory, yet more than willing to explore. There was something to be said for Seán in being met halfway. 

Felix’s mouth moved lazily against his after the initial nerves had died and they sunk into the kiss a little more indulgently, together. Seán found himself lying back on the bed, lying alongside Felix, focusing more on the kiss than keeping himself up. Felix put his arm back around Seán’s waist, pulling him closer, slotting their hips together. A moan rang through Felix into Seán. Seán had never known Felix was such a physical being, and he felt bad for never thinking it. And even more bad for what he was about to say.

“I’ve things t’ do,” he told Felix, regret filling him when Felix broke away from the kiss with a heavy sigh. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Felix told him. “You’ve got a lot of on your plate. I wish you didn’t.”

Seán frowned and sat up again. “What?”

Felix shrugged. “Just. You got this done, you know? You took down Agatha. You saved the continent from those assholes. You should be getting a break. Not just shouldering another responsibility.”

Seán paused. “I’m fine, Felix.”

Felix’s grimace said he didn’t believe him. Seán didn’t believe himself either. “We’ve gotta get up,” Seán insisted. “We’re already an hour behind schedule.”

“More like three.”

Seán stared at Felix for a long moment. He dug his nails into his palms, readying himself for the sting, but paused when he felt cloth instead of torn flesh. Felix’s hand came over his own hand before Seán could look down and see. 

“You’ve got the bad habit again,” Felix said. Seán saw his hand had been bandaged. Presumably Felix. His touch was the only one that wouldn’t instantly rouse Seán from sleep. “You tore through the skin, Jack. You need to be more careful.”

“Seán,” he corrected, eyes latched more on the ink in Felix’s wrist than the new bandages.

Felix smiled a little. “Seán. When it’s just us.”

“Ye’ think I wanna hide my name?”

“I think you changed it for a reason.” Then Felix took Seán’s palm and brought it to his mouth, pressing light kisses to the knuckles. Seán denied himself the rush in his chest. He tugged gently at his hand. “I know,” Felix said. “You have things to do.”

“We’re losing daylight.”

Felix nodded. “Yeah.” He didn’t let go of Seán’s hand. “I’m nervous.”

“I don’t blame you.”

“Marzia’s been telling me things,” Felix continued, knowing Seán would listen. “Things about myself. She seems to really like who I was. I almost can’t trust her perception of me because it seems undeniably biased. But she’s telling me things about my family, too, and things about that world. Things she knew from me. Apparently, Scholars were allowed a yearly excursion. Something about remembering what they were protecting.”

Seán frowned. He wondered what Felix meant by protecting, but he wasn’t about to interrupt. 

“There’s a lot out there, Jack. There’s a lot I don’t know and I’m not really sure is safe. I want to be able to help you. Want to be able to tell you what’s gonna happen, but all I can tell you is what will be be poisonous, what won’t, what’ll kill us, and what’s harmless. Beyond that, I— I’m useless.”

“Useless is the last word I’d ever use t’ describe ye’.”

Felix shrugged. “I’m not useful in the way I need to be. Which is making sure all of you get through this alive. I don’t even know what we’re doing.”

“We’re finding a home,” Seán said. “Something out there. Somewhere safe that we can settle down.”

“Really?” Felix asked. “Isn’t this our home?”

“Hardly. This place hasn’t been a home since it took everything from us. I just don’t have a better word for it.”

That seemed to make sense to the other man. He even smiled a little. “I can stomach that,” he said. “Going out to find our new home. Or somewhere close, right? I don’t wanna rot your teeth, but I’m pretty sure my home is wherever you are. Always has been.”

Seán snorted. “A roof is required.”

“You’ll keep me safe from any storm.”

Seán flushed and made a face at Felix. “I hate how you do that. Know exactly what t’ say t’ make me happy. I don’t have time t’ be happy.” He didn’t have time for anything. He pushed Felix back gently with a hand on his chest. He maneuvered over Felix, grabbing his father’s jacket and slinging it on before going to his shotty wardrobe that was really just a set of drawers salvaged and pulled out three sets of clothing he thought would be good for whatever they faced, short of fire from the sky. 

“The atmosphere outside has been altered by all the bombs they set off centuries ago,” Felix told him. “Weather patterns in our area are much more mild than they were before. The poles shifted, along with the equator. It was dodgy for a while. Our species barely survived.” Felix smiled gently at the look of horror coming over Seán’s face. “We got lucky. That’s all I can say.”

“So we ain’t gonna freeze to death or burn alive?”

Felix shrugged. “Why don’t we find out?”

“Are you sure you’re just nervous?”

“I think I’m starting to feel a little excited too.” Felix shrugged. “I mean, aren’t you? There’s so much out there. I know a lot of you don’t know anything about it. All you’ve known is the continent, you’ve never even seen a river. You don’t— fuck, Jack, are you okay?”

Seán rolled his eyes. “Let’s get our shit and go, Felix. Can’t waste anymore time.”

“I want you to see the ocean,” Felix said. “Can you promise me we’ll go there?”

Seán would sooner tear his own heart out than deny Felix anything. “It’ll be the first stop.”

. . .

Standing there, in the rubble of the tower, looking out into all that green, Seán discovered that he wasn’t nervous— he was genuinely afraid.


	15. In Debt To the Earth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND THAT'S A WRAP
> 
> you have no idea how good it feels to finally complete this monster of a story. it's one of the first like novel length fics i've written that's felt like an actual story. i'm so happy with how it came out and i'm overjoyed so many of you enjoyed it :) thanks for all of the support! now it's onto the next story!
> 
>  
> 
> AO3 links aren't working???? like the HTML is screwy so here are just the flat links i'm sorry 
> 
> Jack and Felix https://pseudthis.tumblr.com/post/178670351144/jack-and-felix-in-the-continent-by-arf
> 
> POD https://pseudthis.tumblr.com/post/178670340574/bonfire-pod-ref-by-arf
> 
> Map of the Continent https://pseudthis.tumblr.com/post/178670331074/bonfire-map-by-arf
> 
> Amazing guy who made them https://archiveofourown.org/users/arf/

Seán hated the ocean.

The ocean was—

Seán hated it. 

Mark had followed Felix’s tentative directions that had formed from memories he didn’t really have to bring them to the beach that Felix had remembered over and over in bouts of agony. Mark had followed all of the directions to the T, but Seán isn’t sure how they could have ended up anywhere but the ocean when heading in the general direction because it was— 

_It was big._

Everyone had filed out of the POD, eager and excited and making these nosies of awe looking out at the vast blue. Mark had said something about wanting to stay the fuck away from it, but he’d gone to the edge of the water with Amy pulling insistently at his hand. Ethan was already in the water, up to his ankles, an expression of wonder across his face as he waved for Marzia, trying to beckon her in after him. Felix was standing on the beach with a serene, far-away look. He was remembering something and he wasn’t afraid of it. 

All that was left was Seán.

He hadn’t even gone into the sand yet because—

_It was too big._

But everyone else was down there and they were all fine. They weren’t afraid. Maybe they were tentative, maybe Amy shrieked a little more towards the edge of fear when the waves first licked at her toes, maybe Marzia seemed nervous of something that could be hidden in the sand, but they’d made it down the slope and through the sand and into the water. They were all fine. They were all fucking fine and he—

Seán wasn’t fine.

He dug his nails into his ruined palms and forced himself down the slope, walking with tiny steps, staring out into the never-ending, all-encompassing blue, the sea and the sky becoming one. His stomach churned with the waves, in and out, making him feel dizzy. Seán kept walking.

There was too much. There was so much everywhere, open and wide and empty. 

He didn’t have anywhere to hide. Anyone could be watching him, observing him, studying him like some subject in a petri dish. Someone could have their sights on him or one of the others, a deadly shot straight through their heads, cranium turned into a mess of blood and bone. Something could come out of that blue, a monster with hunger in its eyes for flesh. 

And Seán was small.

So small.

Tiny.

Insignificant.

Useless.

Weak.

He was too small and the ocean was too big and if something came out and tried to hurt Felix—

Seán dropped to the sand, unable to keep standing because he couldn’t breathe. His limbs needed air to function and he had nothing to give them. His heart probably needed it too, but he wasn’t—

“Jack, get up.”

Felix was trying to pull him to his feet, his expression twisted like he was upset to see Seán on the floor. Seán couldn’t get up, though. Couldn’t look away from the ocean— the fucking ocean, this disgustingly huge place, this unknown entity that could kill him if he—

“Jack, please, just get up.”

“It’s too much,” Seán choked out. “Felix, I can’t, it’s too big. I don’t want to be here.” He was going to be sick.

Seán tore himself from Felix’s grip and went back up the slope, climbing into the pod, where it was small and there were four walls and a ceiling and he could breathe. Seán pulled at his hair and breathed carefully, because he was supposed to be better than this.

“This is it,” he told himself firmly. “Your one lapse.” He tugged harder at his hair, punishing himself. “Get yer shit together, Seán. You’ve things t’ do.”

But he couldn’t move. There was light through the doors of the small POD container they had brought along, where Seán was hiding, but he couldn’t see beyond it. He still couldn’t stomach just how bright the sun was. No light Seán had ever seen in his life was like that.

“Get yer shit together,” Seán snapped at himself. He tore so hard at his hair that he yanked some out. It hurt and his scalp felt wet immediately after. _”Get yer shit together.”_

Seán had to get it together.

He had things to do.

. . .

Ethan liked the grass.

It was a very simple thing to like, but Seán couldn’t find himself to fault the kid. After they’d ran the POD into uselessness and settled in a valley that was between this overpowering mountain range and that fucking ocean, Ethan had lied down on the rolling hills, right in the green grass, and said it felt as soft as any bed. Everyone had slept in the POD in their sleeping bags that night except for Ethan. He’d lied out in that grass and had come to them the next night saying he’d had the best rest in ages.

“It’s the air,” Amy said, smiling at the way Ethan was smiling as she helped Seán rehydrate their breakfast along with berries they’d scavenged that Felix had informed them were safe. Rice and berries didn’t seem that bad. “The air is so much better out here.” To demonstrate, she sucked in a breath and let it out, long and slow. “It’s just so— I never thought anything could be like this. I never thought the world could be like this.”

“Seems almost unfair,” Mark commented, watching the sun just begin to rise over the mountains. “That we breathed in such a fake, horrible atmosphere for so long while this was just beyond the walls.”

“That was what Felix would say.”

All eyes turned to Marzia, the morning glow— it was a glow, it was gold and cool and there was dew— fucking dew— on the grass— making her look like a statue of a kind. She was certainly beautiful and her eyes were vacant enough.

“He hated keeping it hidden,” she said, looking to Felix with absolute adoration. “It was what brought the end of all of this. He wanted to save everyone.”

Felix frowned and shifted in his seat— across the dead fire from Seán, too far away, but Felix was giving him too much space after Seán had lost it in the face of the ocean— visibly uncomfortable with that kind of praise. To be such a hero, wanting to save people, only to bring about some sort of horrible end. 

“It wasn’t your fault,” Marzia told him. “My father— Chairman Renato. He was afraid of you.” Marzia looked to the gorgeous colors of the rising sky and entered a sort of daze. 

“It was at dinner,” she said. “You were so young. You weren’t afraid of anything. You’d been trying to tell us that we needed to tell everyone what was outside the walls for so long, and you were growing tired of trying to convince people that keeping the secret was wrong. And you kept pushing and, for the first time, you stood up to my father. Told him that he needed to bring the sky down or else they would face something evil. ‘Unrest is building,’ you said. ‘They deserve to know.’ But my father didn’t like that. He ordered for you to be killed.”

“Wait, I thought Felix was supposed to be part of some sort of sacred lineage,” Ethan said, looking apologetic for interrupting. “Wouldn’t that be, like, illegal?”

“Oh, it was downright treason,” Marzia confirmed with a small laugh that was tinged with sadness. “But no one was above my father. No one could tell him not to do it. He ordered for Felix to be killed, so his parents— Ulf and Lotta— they felt they had only one choice. They tried to smuggle Felix and his sister, Fanny, into the Western District, where they would meet up with smugglers who would get them out of the city.”

“I know of someone who got smuggled,” Felix said. “Her name was Hela. She got out, I think. Do you think she could still be alive out here?”

Maria grimaced. “It isn’t likely. Most people who are smuggled would go through the underground tunnels. They trek those tunnels alone because the smugglers themselves never leave, as no one who leaves is ever heard from again. At the end of those tunnels are special— they’re like fences. And they incinerate all organic material. Anything that comes out on the other end. They were put up by my grandfather and you hated them. You know this, Felix. We were taught that.”

Felix looked like he was going to throw up and Seán ached to sit beside him, rest a hand on his knee, provide some sort of comfort, however meager it would be. He wanted to help Felix because he knew how that kind of guilt could feel, the guilt of deaths on your heads. He wanted to help Felix cope with the guilt that wasn’t his fault. And not just because Felix had been ignorant to the reality, but because he wasn’t even the same person as the little boy who had known better. It wasn’t his fault.

“I don’t know how it happened, exactly,” Marzia continued, her voice soft. “I just woke up the next morning to my father crying, saying he’d done something horrible. And that the Kjellbgers were gone.”

“Mother and Father were shot,” Felix said. “Fanny and I— there were bombs that day. I don’t know who dropped them. Don’t think they were dropped at all, but they were what killed Fanny.”

“The Adleists were in unrest at the time,” Marzia said. “It was likely them. They’d salvaged parts from old vehicles found in their farmlands and were making rudimentary weapons. There was a bombing that very day my father was mourning what he’d done. You’d likely been hit by that.”

“We never heard of any Adleist unrest,” Mark said.

“Of course not,” Marzia replied. “What government would admit to the uprising of their own people? That would only insight more uprising. My father went to Central for help for many reasons— covering up the unrest and the death of the Kejllbergs was just a name a few. But he could never have known what Ofdenson was up to. He was betrayed.”

“Seems all sorts of fucked,” Mark murmured. “That everything went so wrong because one kid wanted to do the right thing.”

Felix sat back and turned his face away so no one could see his expression. Seán didn’t have to see his face to know what his expression looked like. Twisted with pain, trembling at the edges like the trembling of Felix’s hands. A storm whirling in those blue eyes, agony rampant in his chest. Seán’s heart fucking broke for him. He wished he could help.

“What’s on the plan for today, Jack?” Amy asked, seemingly done with the grim conversation. “Got any ideas?”

“We’re flying out,” Seán said.

“What, too scared of the ocean?”

Seán hid the flinch at the accusation in Amy’s voice. “I’m pretty scared of the ocean,” Mark cut in after a moment. “Like, there could be anything out there. _Anything._ ”

“Dolphins, swordfish,” Felix began to list on autopilot. “Sharks, tuna, whales. Humpback anglerfish. Giant squid.” Mark looked horrified. Seán was probably going to throw himself of a rock and hopefully die. He hated the ocean and he wanted as far away from the place as he fucking could, but he wouldn’t say that out loud. He’d hoped only Felix had seen his—lapse. But it seemed like he wouldn’t be that lucky.

“There ain’t a lot of shelter,” Jack pointed out. “If weather were t’ come, we’d be blown away. And any predators could just snatch us up. This POD is supposed t’ be temporary, we need t’ find something permanent. And there’s a lot out there. No point t’ linger here.”

“You’re scared of it,” Amy insisted. “Just admit it. You’re not the rebel leader out here, Jack. You’re just like the rest of us.”

Seán wasn’t the leader of a rebellion, but he was a leader of these few people in front of him and he knew no one would follow a man that appeared afraid. And they had been the ones to put him in this situation, in this charge of them, so he was going to keep playing the part no matter how much that pushed him to fall to his knees and crumble. “I ain’t afraid,” he said firmly. “Yesterday I just felt faint. The sun’s a large thing.”

“Heat exhaustion,” Felix mumbled. He looked up Seán, almost unreadable. But Seán could still see that lingering pain in Felix’s eyes. “It was heat exhaustion. He needed out of the sun.”

“We can go,” Ethan said. “I’d kinda like to see more green. The ocean is pretty and I like the blue, but I kinda like the green more.” Ethan ran his hand through the grass with a soft expression. “It’s just alive, you know? Obviously alive. Unlike that monster fest that’s the ocean.” Ethan’s eyes suddenly lit up. “Felix, you talked about, like, rolling hills and shit. Can we see that?”

“It should be close by,” Felix replied, eyes flittering around like he was looking at a map in his head. Seán was sure that he was. “Yeah. Let’s do that today.” Felix jerked his chin out away from the ocean. “We’ll head west.”

“West it is.” Seán stood to start packing. Maybe he was showing his hand too much, but he wanted to leave this endless expanse of death before it swallowed him whole. 

_“L’appel du vide,”_ Felix suddenly said. Seán stalled in his packing to look to the man, who was watching him. “ _L’appel du vide,_ ” Felix repeated. “The call of the void. It’s the concept of looking down from a cliff and having the sudden urge to jump. Or the sudden, intrusive thought of driving a knife into your own throat just to know the sensation. Throw yourself on a fire. Maybe even walk into the ocean.”

Seán swallowed hard and turned away again to busy himself. 

“The ocean isn’t something to be afraid of unless you go into it,” Felix continued softly, though it sounded like he was talking to someone else now. “So the only reason you’re afraid, Mark, is because you felt the pull of it. Something told you to walk into it and discover what’s beneath.”

“Something like that,” Mark said with a nervous chuckle.

Seán just kept packing and blocked out the sound of the crashing waves. 

. . .

Mark loved the sky.

You could see the whole endless ceiling perfectly from the endless, rolling hills they’d reached. Felix had said they were close to somewhere called Murmansk and that they would likely be heading into someplace called Finland. 

“You want to see beautiful things,” Felix had explained when talking about their course of direction. “I’m not sure what could be more beautiful than Northern Europe.” Seán hadn’t known any of those words. Murmansk, Finland, Europe. All of the words made little sense to him and he was too embarrassed to ask Felix to explain. He didn’t want people to know that he didn’t know what the fuck was going on. Everything was already so out of hand. If he had the others thinking he wasn’t being the leader they wanted him to be, they would—

Seán didn’t know what they would do, but it didn’t matter. He couldn’t very well risk finding out. He let Felix take the lead when it came to the direction they chose to move in, because Felix had the map in his head and he knew where to find the things people wanted to see. Jack was fine with letting Felix point in the right direction. Felix seemed happy to point out places and things that he seemed to know used to be other places.

They’d come through cities. 

Ruined, concrete structures, crumbled streets, rusted metals. None of them liked to linger in the cities for long for varying reasons. Ethan said he was expecting monsters to come out and greet them. Amy said that it seemed like one, gigantic coffin. Mark said it reminded him too much of the continent, that they truly hadn’t come far from the world killing civilization they’d once been. 

Seán just saw too many corners for enemies to hide behind. 

Now they were out of the cities and into these endless hill that stretched on for miles and made Seán’s throat too tight. He felt a little like he was suffocating as Mark stalled the POD and lowered it to the ground. The hills stretched on endlessly. They were in the middle of fucking nowhere, no cover to be seen. They’d only have the POD for shelter if anything went wrong. Seán couldn’t see anything over the crests of the nearby hills. Anything could come for them and they’d have no time to react.

Everyone filed out, letting out soft murmurs of awe as they looked up at the sky overhead. Seán didn’t dare lift his head. He watched the others wander, stumble, laugh and keep their eyes above. Seán knew it had to be beautiful, but—

He was being a coward, he knew it. Seán went to the other side of the POD, steadied his stance, breathed deep, and then looked up.

The sky was never-ending. 

It swam above his head, millions of brilliant dots of light among the endless black, delicate shades of black and blue and purple above, some stars collected in tiny clusters, some spread out, and one particular collection creating a uniform line across the sky. He remembered Felix telling them one night that this line of millions of lights was actually the other side of the own galaxy. 

Seán didn’t realize he’d hit the ground until his knees collide with the grassy floor so harshly that he bit his own tongue. He felt dizzy and swayed forward onto his hands and knees, staring into the grass, where it was safe. 

It was same as the ocean.

There was just too fucking much and Seán just wasn’t enough. No one was holding up the sky, it would fall on him and crush him and he would stop fucking breathing and that would be it, that would be the end of everything. He’d be crushed by the sky and sink into the ocean and everyone would forget he’d ever existed. Everyone would forget him. Felix would forget him.

“Jesus, Jack.”

Felix’s voice brought him no comfort. Seán couldn’t even lift his head out of fear of catching a glimpse of that endlessly encroaching sky. 

“They’re just stars.”

Felix’s hand warmed Seán’s back as it rested along his spine. Then Felix began to rub his hand up and down, attempting to soothe. Seán heaved in a ragged breath that cracked at the edges. “That’s it,” Felix encouraged gently. “God, I never would have brought you out here if I knew it would do this to you.”

That only made Seán feel worse. Did Felix mean the hills or just this whole world in general? Seán knew he belonged with Felix, but what if he was wrong? What if he should have stayed behind? What if he should have never left the continent, regardless of how Seán knew he couldn’t be there either. What if Seán didn’t belong anywhere?

“I’m fine,” he choked out. “Just, it’s a lot.”

“It is,” Felix affirmed gently. “You were looking at the Milky Way, you know. It’s huge. But it’s one of the smaller ones observed. We’re at the very edge of the galaxy as well. There’s a black hole at the middle of it.”

“That’s fucking awful, Felix.”

He felt Felix shrug by the nuance of how Felix’s hand moved on his back. Seán was sometimes amazed with how well he could read even the slightest ticks in Felix’s body. “I think it’s nice,” he told Seán. “Mark loves it. He’s gonna have me teach him all of the constellations tonight. We’re planning on sleeping out here. But maybe you should sleep inside.”

Seán felt cold all over. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Jack. You can’t help it.”

He wasn’t supposed to be Jack to Felix. But Seán had never changed the habit before and it was, apparently, too late to do so now. Seán had been the one to ruin that between them as well. Felix sounded almost upset with him. He didn’t know how else to fix this but—

Seán kept his eyes shut as he went back up on his knees and sought Felix out through touch alone, taking his face in his hands to kiss the other man. Felix was upset with him, but he loved Seán, didn’t he? Or was attracted to him. Seán could fix this if he gave Felix something else he could want. 

Felix sunk into the kiss and parted his lips, humming softly into Seán’s mouth. “You’re gonna be okay, Jack,” Felix promised him as they traded breath. “It’s just the sky. You’ll get used to it.”

Seán knew he would because he had no other choice. He couldn’t go back to the continent he’d destroyed and he couldn’t be without Felix. Seán had no choice but to swallow down his terror and learn to live with it.

The very idea was—

Seán kissed Felix deeper and refused to acknowledge his shaking hands. Then there was a voice calling Felix’s name, Mark asking for more information about this odd star that looked a little too bright.

“It’s a planet,” Felix gasped into him. “He’s looking at Venus. I’ve got to answer him. I have to show him the other ones.”

Seán let him go. He didn’t want to be alone, but he let Felix go. He went back into the POD, curled up into the front seat with the protective shades drawn down to dim the horrifying sky above and give him some sort of solace. 

. . .

Amy adored the flowers.

Seán didn’t really understand this one, aside from the abundance of color and the pleasant fragrance. He didn’t know where they were in this world, but Felix had said that they were in Finland in the late spring, about to come into the wet season, whatever that was. The flowers bloomed in abundance for whatever reason, making Seán’s eyes itch and his skin feel jumpy.

Amy loved it, though. She picked flowers and put them along the dashboard of the POD that was on its last leg of energy. She weaved them together with deft hands and pressed them into Marzia’s hair, saying she looked lovely with the soft colors and the delicate petals. She then put flowers in Ethan’s hair when he raised complaints. 

They were in a city again. An old one, ruined beyond repair. Most of the buildings were leveled, like something huge had blasted through and brought everything tumbling down. Seán had actually come across bones at one point, but he hadn’t said anything because he didn’t know if they were human or not. He’d just stared, felt his heart slowly turn over, and then moved on when Mark called out for their attention, saying he found something cool.

The cool thing he’d found was really just a spot of even ground in the middle of this ruined city that was overabundant with flowers and trees. 

“It’s called a park,” Felix explained. “Judging on where we are, I’m sure this is Rovaniemi. The river nearby is Kemijoki. This placed was said to be the home of Father Christmas.”

“Who the fuck?” Mark asked.

“What’s Christmas?” Ethan pressed.

“It was a holiday,” Felix explained, that soft smile coming across his face that usually came up whenever he was allowed to teach these days. It wasn’t like anyone ever told him to stop anymore— it wasn’t like Seán had any reason to put things back on track—but Felix still treated the occasion as something special. “A Holiday is an annual day of celebration for some practice or religion or celebration. Holiday comes from the words ‘Holy Day.’ Christmas was originally a pagan thing, then became something celebrating a Saint and a son of a god. It emphasized gift giving and gratitude and revival of the dead.”

Ethan’s eyes were wide and everyone looked astounded, but Seán could see the playful smirk Felix was trying to hide. Seán tightened his hold on the bow that he was now carrying with him habitually and rolled his eyes. Felix had all of the knowledge. He sometimes enjoyed himself by stretching the truth of what he knew into tall tales. He didn’t seem to understand that, as the sole holder of the past, he was very well shaping the future with these stories. 

“They could bring back the dead?” Ethan asked in a small voice after a moment.

“No, I never said that,” Felix amended. “But they were celebrating the birth of a man that did.”

“What the fuck,” Ethan whispered. 

“Do they have documentation of the revival?” Mark asked.

“Oh, yeah,” Felix replied, nodding. “A whole book on the guy.”

Seán could see the way Felix was physically forcing himself not to crack a smile. He was definitely having more fun with this than he should be. Seán took a step towards Felix, just standing beside him, catching Felix’s eye so Felix could see the way Seán raised his brow. Felix returned the gesture, challenging Seán to out him, because of course Seán could see right through him. After Seán failed to say anything, Felix crooked his mouth in the tiniest smirk and then—

He winked.

He fucking winked at Seán.

Seán narrowed his eyes and nudged Felix with his shoulder, wanting him to knock it off. They were in a dangerous place and had no time to be losing their focus like this. There was a creak somewhere over, somewhere Seán couldn’t see. His attention instantly shifted, standing on edge, drawing an arrow and hating these archaic weapons because they wouldn’t save anyone if he wasn’t fast enough.

“Jack, it’s fine,” Felix sighed, sounding exasperated and no longer playful. “There’s no one out here.” He was keeping his voice low, thankfully, not alerting the others to Seán’s heightened anxiousness. 

“Ye’ don’t know that,” Seán shot back. 

“This place is abandoned.”

“You could be wrong.”

“Jack…”

Felix sounded disappointed in him and Seán didn’t blame him. They’d been out in this world for two weeks and all Seán had done was lose his grip on his control more and more with each passing hour. He kept glancing up at the sky, expecting to see it come crashing down upon him at any moment. He hardly slept for the noises that kept rattling around in his brain, the sound of animals and birds and—

God, he never knew what, but Seán understood how he was acting and he knew Felix had to be disappointed in him. Seán was disappointed in himself. He hated how he was acting, how he was losing it, how—

“I think we need to talk about this.”

“We don’t need t’ talk about shit,” Seán spat, not meaning to sound so aggressive, but knowing that no one would listen to him otherwise. “I’m fine, Felix. All of ye’ are having fun with this shit. Someone has to watch yer backs.”

“That’s not what you’re doing,” Mark said from nearby, apparently having been listening in. “You’re making us nervous, Jack.”

“Oh, so we’re just supposed to be safe now that we’re out of the reach of the continent?” Seán couldn’t hold back the sneer. “You’re all foolish t’ think you’re safe. Just cause there ain’t supposed to be anyone out here doesn’t mean there isn’t. If ye’ won’t watch your backs, I’ll watch them for you.”

“Jack, this is getting out of hand,” Mark pressed, going for gentle as Felix stood by with little expression. They were drawing the attention of the others. Seán could feel all eyes on him, his skin feeling too tight to be his own. His grip on the crossbow grew clammy and he was having trouble breathing again. Everyone was looking at him. Everyone was upset with him. He couldn’t do anything right. 

“We’ve heard you at night,” Amy spoke up from where she was carefully selecting flowers with Marzia. “You don’t sleep. You’re not doing okay, Jack.”

“You’re not adjusting,” Felix said softly. 

“Adjusting?” Seán repeated incredulously. “Look where we are! Everything we knew is gone! Everything we were raised t’ believe was wrong and all we have now is the huge, oppressive expanse of absolutely nothing and everything all at once! How the fuck am I supposed to adjust?!”

His outburst left everyone reeling, including himself. Seán stumbled back as his voice echoed and died in the ruined city around them. Those eyes boring into him were wide now, judgmental and almost afraid of him. Seán then realized he’d raised the crossbow up to shoulder level. He could have fucking—

Seán lowered the crossbow, stared down at the ground, tried to calm his racing heartbeat. The silence that stretched on was suffocating. 

“I meant to talk to you,” Mark said, his voice low and almost severe. “When the POD runs out of energy, Amy and I intend to part ways. Felix said that he plans to lead you deeper down into this part of the country, hoping to bring you into Western Europe. I want to go back to the ocean.”

Seán felt panic sliding through his chest at the very mention of the word. “You’re leaving.”

“We have different intentions in our exploration.”

Seán nodded, still not looking up at Mark. He was falling apart and driving people away with his lapses. What if Mark and Amy were killed? What if they died because they left? Then it would be on Seán’s head, like Brad and Sive had both been lost. Oh god, Seán was going to get everyone—

“Take anything ye’ need,” Seán said, hating how his voice was so tight, hating how he still couldn’t lift his head. He felt shame but he also felt like he was drowning. He didn’t even know if he was afraid, but he could hear the crashing of the ocean waves distantly in his brain and wanted to—

“Or I could leave.”

Seán didn’t know why he suggested this, but it suddenly felt right. “I could leave,” he told everyone, finally lifting his head. Everyone still looked so afraid of him. He would drop the bow to the ground if he wasn’t worried the impact would break it. “Just— I could go. Felix could take ye’ to the ocean and I’d just—”

“Shut up, Jack,” Felix huffed. Seán did as told, his teeth clacking together with how violently he shut his mouth. “Mark and Amy are gonna be fine, there’s nothing bad out there and the weather is very mild thanks to that apocalypse. Mark doesn’t necessarily like the ocean, but he wanted to know the best observation sights for the sky and I suggested it for the reflective properties the water can give. They’ll set up for a few days and then move on. We fully intend to meet up again down the road.”

Seán looked back at the ground and hated every single fucking thing about himself. Felix sounded—

“Jack.”

Seán looked up again and saw Marzia standing in front of him. From beside, Felix was watching Marzia sharply like he thought Seán was going to do something to her. Or maybe the other way around? But Felix adored Marzia, he would never think—

“It’s okay to not be okay,” Marzia told him. “Sometimes you become so tired that you judge things wrong. You need to just let go.”

Bullshit.

Seán couldn’t afford to let go. Not when his skin was so tight and his own heartbeat was foreign in his ears. There were too many corners to hide behind and too much emptiness to watch all at once. Seán was going to get everyone killed if he didn’t—

“I’ll miss ye’ both,” Seán said, the moment of truth slipping out in the midst of the burgeoning lapse. “But I want t’ wish ye’ luck. If there’s anything I can do—”

“You’re fine, Jack,” Mark interrupted. “But do us a favor? Next time we see you guys again, try to be a little more put together.”

Harsh, but necessary. Felix made this noise of protest, but Seán nodded his gratitude at Mark’s veracity. “The POD should last another day or two,” Seán told them, though Mark would know better than he did. “We’ll split the last of the food between all of us.”

Mark was staring into him. “The war’s over, Jack.”

The war never ended inside Seán’s head. He ducked his head again. “I’ll head back to the POD,” he said. “I just— take yer time.” Enjoy themselves like Seán couldn’t. He was nothing but a hinderance to the joy they all took in this horrible, open unknown. Felix said something, something that could have been his name, but Seán was already gone, heading back into the broken city to return to the only safe place he had left. 

. . .

Marzia loved the birds. 

She kept looking up at the sky— at that fucking sky— and would ask Felix to identify the birds she saw. Every time she asked, Felix would get this expression of solemn mourning, and Seán knew what he was thinking of. Maybe Felix hadn’t known Seán had known, but he had.

Brad loved learning about birds. 

The absence of Mark and Amy was stark and Ethan tried to fill the voids of silence at the loss of two of their people with constant chatter and questions, falling silent only when someone else had something to say. And Seán appreciated his efforts, but jesus fucking christ, he couldn’t stamp down the guilt. 

Mark had been right. He needed to put himself back together. 

The POD was dead and Felix had insisted they pressed on. Unable to say no, now Seán was forced to be sleeping outside because they couldn’t very well carry the POD with them. It meant that every night, Seán had the choice to either stare up into that endless nothing, or turn and stare into the floor and turn his back on any threat that there had to be. He may as well just show them his fucking throat. 

He was lied on his side now, trying to go for that happy medium, staring into the fire Ethan had learned how to make after he’d pointed out he wouldn’t be able to leave the task to Seán forever. The kid had nearly burned his fucking hands, but Felix had laughed softly at Ethan’s antics and Seán liked to think Felix had laughed a little at Seán as well. He wanted to be the reason for Felix’s smile too. 

He hadn’t been in ages. 

Seán knew he’d caused Felix nothing but stress.

They’d been walking for days and the other three kept talking about the beauty but Seán felt a little like he was dying and he was trying to hide it, trying to keep people from noticing the way he jumped at the sounds of any animal he didn’t recognize, stared at the long shadows of the world with wild eyes, kept his hand on his weapon always. He was trying to hide it but Seán was just—

A low note rang through the area, the long field they were sleeping in that was surrounded by trees with their little fire smack in the middle of all of these awful open spaces that could hold anything. Seán held his breath, listening for the sound again, alert to anything, waiting to fight or die trying.

“It was an owl.”

Marzia’s sweet, quiet voice had Seán startling hard. He sat up quickly, hand flying to the crossbow before he could think twice. He stopped himself in time, watching Marzia warily, who stared back with a calculating gaze.

“I’ve known men like you,” she said softly. “Men who spent too long fighting because they felt like they had to. When one fight ended, they’d just make another because they didn’t know how to exist otherwise. Felix told me of how easily you took lives. A war mongers. That’s who you are.”

Marzia was—

Seán didn’t understand her and he likely never would. Felix adored her in the way that you would worship an expert in a field of study you were obsessed with. If Felix had any question about himself, Marzia likely had the answer. His favorite foods, his favorite activities, his favorite people. Seán didn’t understand why Felix wanted to know so much about who he was, like Felix intended to become that person again. Seán thought Felix was perfect as who he was now. 

He’d told Felix that very thought yesterday and Felix had clammed up so fast that Seán felt more than a little regret. He had no idea what Felix was going through, had gone through before in losing such an important chunk of his life. Seán was stupid to think that who Felix had made himself into was enough for the other man. Felix kept his head low, but he never took things lightly and he could never let mysteries lie. Seán had been cruel to say what he had. It was why Felix hadn’t spoken to him all day and Marzia had glared at him with every breath Seán breathed. 

“Felix told me the owl is a Tawny Owl, or a _Strix aluco._ It’s a night hunter, so people thought it had exceptional night vision, but in reality, it’s eyesight is no more sensitive than a human’s. Its call is so eerie that it holds a mythical association with bad luck and death. An omen.”

Seán wanted to shoot the fucking bird. What if it hurt Felix in some superstitious way?

“It is stupid,” Marzia continued softly. “That they treat creatures with such superiority. Why would a bird bring death? The birds have no control over impending doom, nothing does. Why hinge it all on some poor creature like the Tawny Owl?” She paused, then looked to him. “I suspect it is because of people like you. They see danger everywhere and have no way of predicting it, so they connect false dots and draw wrong conclusions. You feel like everything is a threat, so you try to make a pattern that you can predict, even if the pattern doesn’t actually exist. Anything to give yourself peace of mind.”

_“Children like you will only kill the world.”_

Seán didn’t even know this fucking woman, and yet he felt flayed alive, open and exposed for her to see. She was smart, Seán had always known that, but he’d never figured out exactly _how_ smart. She was—

She was perfect for Felix.

The thought settled bitterly in Seán’s chest, but he couldn’t deny the truth. All he’d done was upset Felix lately. The man had barely touched him since Mark and Amy had left. Had there really been an expiration on his feelings for Seán? It would make sense. It would only be fair. Seán couldn’t even stand himself these days. How could he expect Felix to still want him when Seán didn’t even want to be Seán?

“At least, that is what I had thought.”

Seán only barely managed to drag himself out of that pit to listen to her. He dragged his eyes to her face again, listening as well as he could with the horror digging its nails slowly into his chest. 

“I’d thought you were a war monger,” Marzia continued softly. “But I was wrong. You hate these wars. You hate the fight. I can see it like I saw it in my father. He kept on a strong face, but deep down, in the depths of his eyes, you could see how afraid he was. And I can see the same thing in you. You’re always ready for a threat and you’re terrified.”

She looked into the fire, something like regret covering her expression. “I’m sorry. I thought you a villain, when really, you’re one of the few victims that was brave enough to fight back. You understand the worst of people and it scares you, so you fight to keep them from hurting more people. But you…”

Marzia paused, worrying her lower lip. “You must know,” she almost whispered. “That Felix is largely the reason your family is dead.”

Seán hadn’t known that. “It wasn’t his fault.”

“It was,” Marzia insisted sadly, like the admission broke her heart. “He had been warned time and time again what would happen if he kept pressing. My father overreacted, but Felix had also been warned. You know how it happened, I’m sure I’ve told you. Felix wanted to reveal the best kept secret and my father knew he couldn’t, so he told Felix to be quiet again and again, and Felix never listened. In the face of punishment, his whole family was killed. And then my father went to Central and then… Then the bombs started to fall.”

Seán knew this. He knew Felix had been the same voracious, morally-astute person he’d always been and he had tried to do the right thing. So maybe he had knocked down the dominos that had led to all of this destruction, but—

“Central was going to drop their bombs regardless,” Seán told her. “Felix didn’t do anything that shouldn’t have been done. He was right. The secret shouldn’t have been kept. Felix didn’t kill my family, Central did.”

Marzia looked heartbroken in the glow of the fire. “I’d used to think Felix loved you beyond what you deserved,” she told Seán softly. “I’d been wrong about that to. In reality, you love him more than he deserves.”

That didn’t make any sense. 

“Felix loved me in the dark for years,” Seán told her. “He deserves more than I could ever give him to make up for that.”

“Why are you using the past tense?”

Seán wanted to stop talking about this. He didn’t know Marzia, didn’t have any way of knowing if he could trust spilling his guts. She wasn’t Felix and she wasn’t Signe—

The very name had Seán suddenly sitting up, a wave of nausea overtaking him. Even as he struggled not to gag, he was confused. Why was he suddenly so sick? Where was this coming from? Why was he suddenly about to retch up everything he had failed to eat? Seán hadn’t eaten since the day before, why was Signe—

A violent shudder ran through him and he almost dry heaved stomach acid onto his sleeping bag. Every muscle in his body seized with pain. He felt a little like he was dying. He wanted to peal off his skin and throw it aside and burn himself into ash because everything about himself felt wrong and he knew he would never get clean. But clean from what? And why Signe—

The spots of light encroaching on his vision told him he suddenly wasn’t breathing and that he was likely to pass out. Seán told himself he needed to breathe, he needed air, he needed to stop being a fucking idiot and take control of himself again, because these lapses were hearing far too often and he could get someone hurt with his negligence, but the lights became brighter and he almost wished he would die here so that way he wouldn’t be a threat to anyone and he needed to cut his skin off or he would—

“Sit up, Jack.”

Felix’s hands around his chest, pulling him upright and forcing him to straighten out his diagram were welcome for all of a few seconds before Seán was able to beat himself into the ground for being the reason Felix had to wake up. He yanked himself from Felix’s grip and forced himself up on wobbly knees. At least the momentary change of attention had brought back Seán’s functioning lungs. Seán stumbled away and swayed, but managed to remain upright. 

All three sets of eyes were on him. Ethan was the only person trying to make his gaze inconspicuous and Seán appreciated the tact. But Marzia still looked so heartbroken and Felix just looked—

He looked tired. 

And it was Seán’s fault.

“I’ll be right back,” Seán said, the words leaving him in a rush. “Don’t follow me.” 

He turned and walked away, needing the space, needing the air and the solitude. He didn’t take his crossbow, preferred to leave it with the others so they could protect themselves. Felix had even lifted that sword Tyler had given him for anything beyond entertainment once. And if Seán died out here, the others would only be better off without him. 

. . .

Felix found him, hours later, with the sun rising and peaking between the tree trunks and leaves, crouched on the ground, sitting among the trees, finding what little solace he could. Seán didn’t look up as Felix sat down beside him, didn’t even mention how the forest floor would dirty Felix more than he should be. Seán belonged in the fucking dirt, but not Felix.

“Why the woods?” Felix asked.

“Feels closer,” Seán replied.

“You ran off, Jack. That’s dangerous.”

Seán was tired of breaking Felix’s habit of calling him Jack. If Felix wanted him to be Jack, then Seán would be Jack.

“I needed to breathe,” Jack replied matter-of-factly. 

“You had a panic attack.”

“Not a panic attack,” Jack scoffed. “Jesus, Felix, it was just a lapse. That’s all. I’ve had ‘em before, had them all the time. They happen and I move through it and past it and onto the next thing I’ve t’ do.”

Felix looked affronted. “You’ve had those since we came out into this new world, Jack, that should be cause for alarm.”

“I’ve had them long before that.”

“What? How long?”

The disbelief in Felix’s voice had Jack shrugging, trying to play it off because it wasn’t that big of a deal. Not like the way Felix was making it out to be. “Years,” he said with another shrug. “Don’t you remember? I had them when I was younger, too.”

“Those were panic attacks, Jack.”

“No they weren’t, _you_ had panic attacks, and for good reason. Mine weren’t anything that severe. Yeah, they went away after a while, but being part of Odin’s Chosen brought them back. They aren’t anything bad, Felix, just little moments where I get overwhelmed by something. I’ve always been fine.”

Felix didn’t look like he agreed. “You’ve been like this for years,” he murmured, almost as if to himself. “For years and I’ve never known. I’ve always thought to myself that I know you better than anyone, but I was wrong. I didn’t know you better than anyone else. I’ve missed everything. Your suffering, your anxieties, your pain. I don’t know anything about you like I should. Fucking Signe—”

_”You need to trust me, I promise you I can make it all go away._

“Don’t say her name,” Jack blurted out before he could make sense of why he couldn’t handle the sound of those particular letters stringed together in that particular way. He also couldn’t make sense of why he felt like dry heaving again and why his hands were starting to shake. 

Felix’s eyes were on him and his reaction and his eyes were wide. “Jack,” he said softly, placatingly, like he was trying to coax out that wounded animal inside of Jack again. “What did she do to you?”

“Jesus fuck, Felix, ye’ know as well as I do that she’s fucking harmless.” Never mind that Jack couldn’t say her name. “She didn’t do anything. Don’t get all fucked up over it.”

“Jack, you can’t even—”

“I hope ye’ got some sleep,” Jack said, interrupting Felix without remorse. “We’re walking a lot again today. Ye’ wanted to get us into the mountain range, right?”

“The Carpathian mountains,” Felix responded. “We should reach them in the next couple days if we cover enough ground each day.” He paused, worried his lower lip. “Jack, you can’t keep doing this to yourself. You can’t just avoid Signe’s memory.”

_”Don’t you trust me?”_

Jack was shaking again. He didn’t know why. What had Felix called these things before? He’d called them triggers for others. How Ethan had a hard time talking about mothers and Marzia couldn’t stand tight spaces and being up too high. Why was Signe—

“I’m gonna throw up,” Jack warned, oddly in control of his thoughts while everything else was going wrong.

“God, I wish I knew what she’d done to you.”

Felix’s hands were on him again, running through his hair, gently pulling Jack into his side. Jack went with him because while his control on his thoughts were fine, it was the only thing he could control. He felt out of his body, slightly stilted behind, like his soul was delayed while the carcass was just a few seconds ahead. Delayed? That was a good word for it. He was delayed, and that was his excuse for taking so long to realize Felix was kissing him. 

“I thought you were done with me,” he said into Felix’s lips before he could think better of it. 

“We’re on an endless trek through unending wilderness with two other people, I haven’t exactly had a chance to get you alone,” Felix replied. “And— this place outside is me. And you seemed like you hate it. I just, I needed to give you space. I’m sorry.”

Jack trembled against his lips, trying to bring his body and mind back to the same speed, because Felix was kissing him and he didn’t want to miss this. Felix pressed harder into him, keeping Jack close against his side, running his fingers through Jack’s hair and touching wherever he could. Jack’s breath came short and fast as Felix delved into his mouth, overstimulating Jack’s senses that were still overwhelmed from the recent lapses. But it felt too good for him to tell Felix to stop. 

“Let me take care of you,” Felix begged into him. “You’ve done so much for us, you’ve been taking care of all of us. Now let me take care of you.”

“I’m driving everyone away,” Jack whimpered, vulnerable in Felix’s hands.

“Mark and Amy wanted privacy just as much as I want with you,” Felix told him. “It was only a matter of time. Let me touch you, Jack.” He already was, but Jack knew what he meant. His body flushed with the insinuation. Felix’s hands were everywhere and his fingertips was so hot against Jack, even atop the clothes. “I love you, Jack,” Felix promised. “Let me show it to you.”

“No, no, that’s not fair,” Jack argued. “I didn’t even get ye’ off last time, I should be the one—”

“Fuck, fine.”

Felix pushed forward with more passion than Jack was able to handle at the moment, lying Jack on the forest floor on his back, straddling Jack’s waist and towering over him, a protective ceiling keeping Jack sheltered from the impossibly endless possibilities beyond them. But Felix’s back was also vulnerable, anything could—

“Jack, hey, breathe.”

Jack wasn’t breathing again, but at least he knew why this time. “Turn us over,” he choked out. “Not you, you could be hurt. Please turn us over.” He could be vulnerable to death if it had to be one of them. 

“Jack, there is nothing out here.”

Felix didn’t know that. Jack whined, the lapses coming back, creeping in on his vision. He wiggled underneath Felix, trying to push him. “I’ll beg,” he choked out. “I’ll beg, Felix. I’ll give ye’ anything you want if you just—”

Felix flipped them with momentum, pulling Jack atop him. Jack went limp on top of Felix in his relief, forgetting what they were actually supposed to be doing, what Felix wanted. Felix held Jack’s face in his hands, watching him, almost waiting for Jack to come back to his sense. “Better?” he asked, sounding almost condescending. Jack shut his eyes so Felix wouldn’t see his shame in his actions. He had overreacted. He was being stupid. Felix didn’t—

Felix took Jack by the waist and rolled his hips up into Jack. Immediately a haze went through Jack’s mind, breaking through the self deprecation, bringing Jack back to what Felix had wanted. Felix and wanted him. And Jack didn’t want this to be like last time, Jack wanted to see Felix get something out of this too. 

“We have some time,” Felix said, his voice a pleasant rumble through his chest and into Jack. “Just let me, okay? I promise it’ll be good.” Anything with Felix had to be perfect because Felix wasn’t capable of anything less. “Trust me,” Felix beckoned, kissing Jack again. His hands slipped underneath Jack’s shirt, the callouses catching and dragging in a way that Jack loved because it was so unlike anyone else he’d been with and he needed that. He needed the difference. Felix used his grip on Jack’s hip to pull Jack down into him. Felix planted his feet to give himself more leverage and rolled his hips upwards again. Jack could feel how aroused Felix was against his own slowly-hardening cock, hot and demanding and exhilarating. “Is this okay?” Felix asked, using this odd amount of caution that Jack couldn’t handle. He just whined and thrust down, trying to meet Felix. 

He felt so good beneath Jack, the hard press of his chest the perfect place for Jack to rest. The rise and fall of Felix’s breath was doing the opposite of what they had intended— Felix was trying to rile him up with the thrusts, and Jack was losing himself to blackness creeping at the edges of his mind. He felt very, very tired, but that couldn’t make sense. He’d gone so much longer without sleep before. Why was he—

“Jesus, are you falling asleep on me?”

Felix didn’t sound angry and Jack suddenly didn’t have the energy to raise his head and read Felix’s expression to find out if he was upset. 

“Panic attacks take a lot out of people,” Felix murmured, his voice a low rumble in his chest that really was not helping Jack stay awake. “They leave people completely drained. I remember that I would be exhausted after a panic attack, especially ones as severe as the ones you’ve been having practically every day.” Fingers began to card through Jack’s hair and Jack was valiantly attempting to keep his eyes open, but to no avail. The sun was filtering in through the leaves above, warming Jack in a way he hadn’t really felt before leaving the continent. “Just get some extra sleep, Jack. I’ll watch over you. We don’t have anywhere to be today.”

“You were gonna…”

“You don’t even have the energy to finish your sentence. And I’m smart enough to know that you’d be choosing sex over anything if you had the ability. Don’t think I didn’t notice. You left sex as, like, this treat for yourself. I know how much you enjoy it, I’m not stupid.”

Jack isn’t sure where he got that idea because Jack personally didn’t enjoy sex all that much— until Felix— because it was another expectation he had to fulfill and another person wanting someone from him and another opportunity for him to fail and another way to make himself vulnerable to someone who didn’t know how to make him feel safe.

Until Felix.

“You’re tensing,” Felix murmured, sounding worried. “God, I wish I knew what was going on in your head. I thought I knew but I don’t. Not anymore.” Felix kept stroking Jack’s hair. “You don’t have to wear a mask for me, Jack. Just get some rest.”

Jack didn’t want that, he wanted to get Felix off because he hadn’t been allowed to last time, but the sun was warm atop him and Felix was warm beneath him and there were trees all around and they almost felt like walls— even though someone could be hiding behind these trunks and strike when Jack was his most vulnerable— and he was too tired to think.

“Don’t wanna hurt you,” Jack whispered.

“Jesus christ, you’re not gonna. You can’t. And I can defend myself.” 

Jack hadn’t meant that. He meant the way he was falling asleep atop Felix, who was still slowly recovering from a bullet wound and a letter in his skin and then countless head injuries. But Felix sounded confident regardless and Jack was—

. . .

Felix reveled in everything. 

He had been born for this place, of course, raised to remember it and teach people about it and pass on that knowledge to countless generations after his own. He was intended to know all of this and love this place, this huge fucking world that was desolate and empty of human touch, pure and real. He was supposed to love all of it and it showed in the way he walked through trees, stared fearlessly into the sky, named all of the birds for Marzia, and encouraged Ethan to eat any food Felix had deemed safe for consumption.

He was excited to be out here. It was obvious and Jack loved seeing how happy he was but he also knew that Felix would get lost in this world if left alone. 

Hell, Jack would go so far as to say that this empty world was where Felix belonged, and existing in the continent had been the wrong way for him to be. Felix had always belonged somewhere better, Jack had always known that, he’d just never considered that Felix belonged somewhere that Jack didn’t. 

Jack didn’t like thinking that, especially where they were. He’d never thought he’d be able to find something beautiful about this place but here he was, at the top of an aptly named waterfall, looking down at the way the water sparkled as it flowed over the rocks into the river below that was swaddled with trees inside the gorgeous forest that Jack was slowly learning to be the only environment Jack could survive in. They were in the mountains now, weeks later, up in the Carpathian mountains that Felix had been so eager to reach. And this waterfall was beautiful and Felix was near the edge with Ethan, pointing out various locations they could see in the endlessly stretching woods, the mountain continuing to slope up behind them. 

There was a small cabin just behind them, some old stone thing that had somehow survived the end of the world while remaining relatively intact. They’d slept there the last night and Jack had slept better than he had in weeks because he’d been surrounded by four walls. But Felix wanted to move on already and Ethan had commented about missing the stars.

“Maybe we should camp separately tonight,” Marzia suggested slyly. She’d been doing that since her and Jack’s conversation at that campfire, trying to give him and Felix time alone. Jack wasn’t sure where she was getting off on suddenly trying to be supportive of them, but— “Felix is just so much happier after moments alone with you. Don’t you want him to be happy?”

Marzia was a smart girl. She knew exactly what she was doing. He and Felix hadn’t been alone since Jack had fallen asleep atop Felix’s chest. And while Jack hadn’t really been avoiding it, he hadn’t felt safe enough to wander off alone and have Felix follow him. He hadn’t wanted to split up the group. Marzia knew that, which was why she was trying to manipulate Jack with guilt by using Felix’s happiness as a weight against Jack’s need to keep an eye on everyone. 

“The Carpathian mountains are the second longest mountain range in Europe,” Felix was telling Ethan. “They’re the habitat for the largest European populations of brown bears, wolves, chamois, and lynxes. Down that way?” Felix pointed some relatively west. “Kraków, Poland is in that direction. That city was one of the oldest in Poland and dated back to the 7th century.”

Ethan let out a low whistle of interest. “Who were the Polish again?”

“A country of Central Europe,” Felix replied. “The name comes from a West Slavic tribe of Polans. They went through countless dynasties and wars and even survived Nazi occupation. But, they were largely unaffected by the Black Plague. Casimir the Great actually quarantined the borders of Poland.”

“Wait, what?” Ethan asked. “What the fuck is that? Black Plague? What?”

Jack felt a smile tugging at his lips and quickly tampered it down. This was fucking carnivore territory, of course they would end up here. His grip on his crossbow tightened and his trained his ear on all the sounds surrounding, listening for anything. 

“The Black Plague was a European pandemic that killed an estimated 75 to 200 million people,” Felix replied.

“That’s a large estimate gap,” Ethan snorted. 

“There’s very little documentation of Europe at the time. It was called the Dark Ages for a reason. But oddly, medical geneticists posited that all three of the great waves fo the plague originated in China. But the most incredible thing about the plague is how it managed to spread all the way to Iceland.”

“Why is that incredible?”

“Iceland is widely isolated and difficult to reach if you don’t have the means. It was so isolated that its official language at the time of the end of the world was the most similar to a language called ancient Norse. The people there coveted their language and remained proud of how little it had deviated from their origins, which is a difficult feat in the world in general. People always mixed up and changed and adapted. To have kept that language the way it was means that the people there were, as I said, more isolated than most.”

“But the plague,” Ethan said, obviously fascinated with the idea of something managing to kill that many people that wasn’t manmade. 

“It was devastating,” Felix continued, stepping a little closer to the edge of the falls. The falls themselves were about seven meters high and largely rocky, even the waters below being mostly boulders for the water to crash upon. Felix had told them all those boulders wouldn’t be there forever. Eventually, the erosion of the water would break them down until they no longer existed in their present form. They would eventually become something else. _”Nothing stops existing entirely out here,”_ Felix had said. But beyond the boulders was deep water, at least by a couple meters on its own. It was a testament to how long this waterfall had been beating into the ground and how recent those boulders had to be. 

Felix put his hand over his brow to shield from the sun. “I think there are people out there.” He pointed in the same direction as Kraków. “See that? There’s smoke. Someone’s out there.”

“We’ll go the other way,” Jack said.

“What if they’re friendly?” Ethan asked. “They could be allies. Or people from the continent.”

“If they’re from the continent, they’ll hate—” Jack cut off. They likely wouldn’t hate Ethan and Felix and Marzia, but they would definitely hate Jack. He’d brought everything down. Maybe—

“If any of ye’ check it out, I’ll hang back here,” Jack said. “Wouldn’t want t’ start anything.”

Marzia made a face at him. “Don’t worry, Jack,” Ethan said. “They’d love you. Everyone loves you.” Jack was sure Ethan was trying to poke fun at him. “You’re a bonafide hero!” Ethan exclaimed.

Jack watched Felix move again. “You’re standing too close to the edge,” Jack barked, hackles raised. “Step back, Felix.” Jack approached the ledge with wobbly knees of his own. He hadn’t been afraid of heights until coming out here. But he wasn’t about to let Felix be a fucking idiot on his own either. 

“I think they have something metallic,” Felix said. “There’s a light glinting off of there that doesn’t seem entirely natural. Maybe they’re—”

Jack was just out of arm’s reach when Felix stepped on a slick spot and twisted and just—

Fell.

Felix fell.

Jack was close enough to see the surprise wash over Felix’s face before he dropped out of sight down towards those fucking boulders. Seven meters couldn’t kill a man, but seven meters—

The sickening crack of Felix’s skull colliding with the rocks below rang in Jack’s head. Jack didn’t think twice in leaping over the edge of the fall and diving into the deep waters at the end of the boulders, coming back up and swimming for where Felix’s form was slumped across the rocks, limp. Jack climbed up to where he was and Felix wasn’t moving. 

He had a system for being awake when Felix wasn’t. 

After swallowing down and stemming the panic that came with being awake and finding Felix completely still, widely unresponsive, and breathing so shallowly that Jack almost couldn’t see it at first, he’d check the pulse, check the regularity of said near-invisible breathing, check Felix’s temperature, and then check for wounds.

Everything was wrong. 

The pulse was shallow and thready, the breathing was barely a rise and fall of Felix’s lungs, and the injuries—

There was blood pooling around Felix’s head.

It was always his _fucking head._

There was a huge cut along the edge of Felix’s hairline. It was bleeding. The water was pounding down on Felix’s lower half and Jack knew he would easily get sick in this cold water if he wasn’t moved.

Jack scooped Felix up in his arms, his mind falling into his steps. This wasn’t the first time he’d held Felix in his arms as the man began to die. 

The first thing he needed to do was get Felix away from threats. There was no culprit this time, no group of psychos with weapons intending to kill Felix. Jack got Felix off the rocks and into the soft grass at the edges, immediately elevating Felix’s feet to keep the blood closer to his heart. Jack stripped off his shirt, rung out the water that had logged it down from diving after Felix, and wrapped it around Felixs’ fragile skull after gently feeling around for any open wound. 

Miraculously, there weren’t any holes in Felix’s head. But the blood was oozing down from the crown of Felix’s head, coating Felix’s face in red. His eyes weren’t open. Jack put his fingers under Felix’s nose to feel him breathe again. Watery blood ran from Felix’s ear, and Jack’s heart stopped.

“Is he dead?”

Ethan’s trembling voice was what broke Jack from his stupor. He shoved Marzia and Ethan away, suddenly aware of the way they were crowding Felix, how Marzia was trying to twist her hand in Felix’s clothes in some abortive method to wake him up. “He needs to be warm,” Jack said, going through a list. 

Remain calm.

Keep Felix warm and lying down and don’t move him until Jack knew the full extend of the injury.

Mouth to mouth if needed— thank god Felix was still breathing.

Stop any bleeding.

Give Felix reassurance but— he wasn’t awake, he wasn’t responding.

Check for cuts, fractures, break, injuries to head, neck, or spine.

Don’t crowd him.

Don’t remove Felix’s clothing unless Jack had to— and he did, he would, Felix was soaked, he couldn’t afford to get sick.

Find shelter, heat, and food if no proper medical facility is available. 

Jack lifted Felix up, knowing that he had a limit to what he could do, so he needed to get Felix inside to warmth where he could remove the clothes and check for more injuries anywhere on Felix and stop the sluggish bleeding from the head-wound. He blocked out Ethan and Marzia because he couldn’t— there wasn’t—

Jack carried Felix into that cabin Felix had fully intended to leave behind and lied Felix’s limp frame across the sleeping bag Felix had spent the night in. Jack elevated his feet again and then Felix’s skull, bunching up clean clothes and then pulling away his own shirt from the head wound. 

Jack’s shirt was stained with Felix’s blood and it was a sight he was sick of seeing. Jack dove for the last of their bandages and lamented the lack of painkillers and antibiotics because Ethan had been feeling feverish a couple days ago and paracetamol brought down fevers. Now he had nothing to give Felix.

He had to stop the bleeding. 

Jack pressed his shirt back to the sluggishly bleeding cut and kept the pressure, breathing shallowly himself. He was crouched at Felix’s side, watching his blue shirt turn deep red. Felix was still soaked to the bone, but—

“Jack, what can we do?” 

Ethan’s voice was unwelcome because Jack was about to lose his fucking mind. His hands were shaking from where they were keeping the pressure. He didn’t know but—

“We need painkillers,” Jack said, his voice sounding unlike his own. “He needs them to bring down any swelling in his brain and to deal with the pain. He needs—”

Jack knew what he needed, but he couldn’t—

“I can’t leave him,” Jack choked out.

“I know, I know,” Ethan replied. “Tell me what to do.”

“He needs pain killers.”

“We’re out.”

“Those people…”

Ethan nodded, showing he understood what Jack was still struggling to say. His brain wasn’t working as the red stained through his shirt into his skin. Felix’s blood was warm but the rest of Felix wasn’t. Jack’s hands were shaking and his ability to keep the pressure was lessening. Ethan was beside him. Marzia was just behind. He couldn’t take care of them while Felix was like this.

“I’m going to those people Felix saw,” Ethan said to both Marzia and Jack. “I’ll be back.”

“Alone—” Jack cut himself off again, struggling with his words.

“I’ll go with him,” Marzia said.

And that—

Was too much—

Jack was falling apart and he needed them not to see this. 

“Just go,” he said. “Please. Hurry.”

When no one answered, Jack realized he was alone in this tiny, decrepit, dirty cabin, with Felix beneath him, bleeding. Was he bleeding?

Jack pulled back the shirt and saw the blood flow had miraculously stopped. After a quick press of his bloody fingertips to Felix’s neck, he found the pulse was still there, so the blood flow had stopped, but Felix’s heart, blessedly, hadn’t. Jack grabbed the clean bandages and wrapped Felix’s head, keeping him elevated, keeping him alive in the small ways he could. Jack sat back from Felix’s still form and looked around to see Marzia and Ethan had even taken things with him. Where had Jack gone?

It didn’t matter. 

Jack didn’t know how far away those people had been, but Ethan had gotten a better eye of them than Jack had, so he was sure they would find the people. Jack prayed they would have something that would bring down the swelling.

Why was it always Felix’s head?

Why was it always Felix?  
Jack had warned him, but he hadn’t been fast enough. If Jack had just said something sooner, then Felix wouldn’t have—

Jack ignored his own thoughts and stripped Felix down mechanically and carefully, making sure not to nudge Felix’s head in any way. He got Felix into dry pants and one of Jack’s own sweaters. Once Felix was clothed and covered and warm, Jack pushed his fingers into Felix’s neck again, then went for the left wrist, the one that had his old name. He brought the wrist to his mouth and felt Felix’s pulse against his lips. Jack began to rock back and forth with the slow beat, the heartbeat that was too weak to be safe. 

“Your head, Felix,” Jack whispered into his name on Felix’s skin. “Your head, your head, your head.” His vision was whiting out at the edges, panic making it harder to breathe. But Felix needed him to keep himself together, in one piece, he needed to retain some measure of sanity. Last time he’d been able to snap and release the panic and then Signe had—

Jack barely had time to turn away from Felix and dry heaved onto the ruined, stone floor. Since his reaction to that name was the same as it always had been, all Jack really noticed was the horrible state of this place.

Felix was injured.

He could get sick.

This place wasn’t clean. 

_Felix’s blood was everywhere._

Jack knew what he could do in the meantime. He needed to sterilize.

. . .

Jack finished his task three days later with a nail through his hand and boards across the floor. 

His first thought was Felix. 

Jack scrambled to the bedside— barely registered just how clean this place was, how the dirt and dust was gone, how the windows, though lacking in glass, had strategic boards across that still allowed light but also fresh air— and knelt beside Felix, feeling that thready pulse. He glanced to Felix’s side and saw another bundle of bedding and surmised this was where he had been sleeping. 

“You’re supposed t’ wake up,” Jack murmured, feeling in a daze. He looked back around the cabin. Even the stairs that led up to a ruined second floor were repaired. There was a hatch further away that probably led into a basement. Jack was sure he’d found the nails and whatever else he had used to fix this place down there.

Jack ran a hand down his face, sat back on his haunches, and breathed slowly, methodically, and then remembered how he’d broken out of his stupor. There was a nail through his hand, directly through the center of his palm. Jack stared down into the red covering his palm and shuddered hard as he remembered Felix’s blood in place of his own. 

The crack of Felix’s skull on the rocks below rang in his ears.

“Why is it always you?” Jack asked aloud. “Why is it always you, Felix?”

Jack painstakingly pulled the name from his hand and wrapped it in relatively clean cloth. He missed Felix. He missed his best friend, his partner, the only person he could trust himself to be legitimate around. He missed the man he wanted to be with more than anyone else. Jack missed Felix so much.

It had been three days since Ethan and Marzia had left and Jack didn’t know what had happened to them. He didn’t want to think about it either. 

Felix hadn’t moved. He hadn’t fucking moved and Ethan and Marzia were gone and Jack had put a fucking nail through the palm of his hand. This place was clean and approaching the semblance of a home, but Jack couldn’t— everyone was—

Jack felt sick. He swayed dangerously even when he was still crouched on his knees. The room was teetering. His stomach felt horribly empty and he couldn’t remember having eaten. But if he was hungry, then that meant Felix had to be hungry as well. 

Three days.

Felix hadn’t moved in three days.

Jack tried to ignore what that meant and grabbed the clean tear of cloth that was at Felix’s bedside, pouring water across it and soaking the fabric. He then brought it to Felix’s lips and wrung it out gently, watching the water dripping into Felix’s mouth. He praised human instinct as Felix’s Adam’s Apple bobbed reflexively. At least he wasn’t going to die of dehydration. At least Felix was sheltered. At least Felix was warm.

That was the list Jack had been repeating to himself this whole time so he wouldn’t just give up. Every day, he woke up to Felix looking more dead than before. His sanity was fraying at the edges from the stress that he was under. The crack of Felix’s head smashing on those rocks was ever present, like tinnitus in his ears. Jack was sure the sound was going to haunt him for the rest of his life. Good. He deserved it. 

_Children like you will only kill the world._

Well look at that, not only had Jack killed the world, he’d killed the only person he’d sought to protect. He’d run away people that he needed and enjoyed being around and he’d made things for dangerous for everyone else involved. He’d broken the heart of an innocent girl whose only real crime had been loving a monster like Jack. He’d gotten Brad killed and brought Sive to his fucking grave. He’d fucking brought Felix into a war that had only led to Felix—

Jack spurred into action because inaction was what killed him. This cabin was done, there was nothing else he could feasibly fix. It was clean and Felix’s head injury— a sizable cut and dent in his head, but Jack couldn’t see bone, so it was probably some sort of miracle— hadn’t gone green at the edges or anything so Jack was sure there wasn’t any sort of infection. All Jack needed was for Marzia and Ethan to come back so the waiting game could have some sort of fucking purpose but that meant Jack had to sit around and do nothing and he couldn’t—

Jack gathered up some of the larger stones he’d found down by the edge of the river— the river that led to the falls that Felix had nearly died upon— and went back to the cabin, then rounded it. From the back, he could still see Felix lied on the floor, lifeless. Jack trained his eyes to detect the tiny rise and fall of Felix’s chest. Then Jack turned to an empty part of the gentle slope this cabin was on and set to work. 

He’d never—

Graves weren’t a thing for him. 

He hadn’t been able to bury his parents because he’d had nothing left to bury. But he’d tried to bury Allison because he’d found—

Jack had to stop in his stacking of stones, working through the memories he denied the light of day. 

He’d buried Allison because he’d miraculously found her arm. 

A severed arm, mostly burned away, only recognizable by the ruined ring on the finger. Jack had known the ring because it was the ring Jack had found for her when he’d been around five years old and going through the garbage. She’d worn it every day since then up until her death and Jack had found it on the fingers of a ruined, burnt forearm in the wreckage of his home and he’d buried it in the farmlands years later after hoarding it because he couldn’t let that last part of his family go.

He’d never told anyone he’d done that. 

If he went back to the continent, Jack knew he wouldn’t be able to find the spot he’d buried her in. He’d been in some horrible haze in the process of burying the disgusting arm and had felt like he wasn’t actually in control of his body. But he hadn’t marked the grave and he knew he would never find it again.

Jack hadn’t been the one to kill his family.

He hadn’t killed Brad or Sive either, but he’d definitely had a hand in it. As the one leading everyone into the war, Jack held responsibility for every death, on both sides. Those people he had murdered in his frenzy when Felix had been shot were a cross he bore with absolutely no pride. He could still feel that blood on his neck and arms and face if he thought about nothing for too long. And he could still see the rebar protruding from Sive chest and he could see the horror Felix had come home with after Brad had been killed. He could still hear Felix’s head cracking open on stone below.

Fuck.

Jack went back to stacking rocks and he would have been proud of how carefully and intricately he had stacked these stones, making them spiral up into the air, except he shouldn’t be proud of the graves he was making for the people he’d fucking killed, what the fuck Jack. That was just— that was sick. He was sick.

Jack sat back and dug his nails into the meat of his palms and resolved himself not to stop digging in until his own blood was on his hands to mask the sensation of the countless others. And this guilt of blood on his hands was getting redundant. He didn’t think he should be free of guilt, but by fucking god, he needed to stop sitting around and feeling sorry for himself. 

Stop fucking feeling sorry for yourself, Jack.

Jack was spurred into action a second time, standing above the two graves he’d made. 

“I did wrong by ye’ both,” Jack said, the sound of a human voice— his own voice— grating on his nerves after the residing silence of the woods. “Brad, ye’ knew as well as I did that Felix was my priority. You knew and you understood and ye’ promised me you would ensure he made it back alive. I never made ye’ know that I cared just as much about you coming home as well.”

Jack swallowed down the thick tar of guilt to keep going. “I knew you wouldn’t want me t’ lose momentum, but I was fuckin’ heartless when they came home. I was a right fuckin’ bastard. You deserved better. You deserved recognition long before now and you deserve recognition better than this shitty little grave. Fuck, if Felix were here, he’d be able to say shit so much better than I can. He’s better at words. Emotions. Ye’ knew that.” 

Jack smiled sadly, the sensation of his muscles tugging for a _fucking smile_ almost painful. “You did what I couldn’t. Ye’ kept Felix safe and made sure he came home. And I’m sorry that I led ye’ to your death. I’m sorry.”

Jack paused. “Sive,” he said, the name echoing between the trees. Jack shuddered at the emptiness of the sound. 

“You told me once ye’ knew what you were getting into,” Jack continued softly. “That you’d spent so long in Central and had worked so hard t’ get out that any risk you had in joining us was worth it. That ye’ believed in what we were doing because you’d seen what those people did with the resources they had, how they wasted and held themselves high while seeing the rest of us as less than human. The trafficking, the ring fighting, the horrible things they did for entertainment. You told me that you were ready to die to get away from it and that ye’ wanted the Chairwoman to pay for what she had done and her negligence to the ways of Central. You had different motives, but the outcome would give the same result. Ye’ said you were ready to die…”

Jack took a step back, shaking his head. “You said you were ready t’ die, but I wasn’t ready to lose any of ye’.”

Sive had been dead when Jack had found him, but only by a second. Impaled on cruel metal like some horrific mimicry of a puppet. The last of Sive’s breath had been gurgling out of his ruined through, blood bubbling at his lips. He’d still been twitching. He’d been in the throes of pseudo-life just enough for Jack to understand just how badly he had failed and how close he had come to being able to help. 

Stop feeling fucking sorry for yourself, Jack.

“I hope wherever ye’ went is better than the hell I put you in,” Jack told the graves. “You deserved a better leader than me. Someone that could show and tell how much I actually cared. Because I acted heartless and I didn’t know how to be anything else. I had people that needed me to be someone unshakeable, someone that couldn’t be broken or beaten down. And if I let them see that I was crumbling beneath the weights of yer deaths, I’d be—”

_Stop feeling fucking sorry for yourself, Jack._

“It’s not an excuse,” Jack said firmly. “I just wanted t’ say that I’m sorry. And you deserved better. And I’ll never be able to make amends for your deaths at my negligence. But— I hope you’re resting. And I just, I hope ye’ didn’t resent the way ye’ met your ends. I’m sorry. I’m sure I’ll see ye’ both again soon.”

Because if Jack woke up tomorrow and found Felix was no longer breathing, Jack would—

Jack was almost out of food. The freeze dried rations he’d kept for himself and Felix while Marzia and Ethan had taken the rest were gone. But Jack had seen a lot of these woods and Tyler had taught him quite a bit. 

Jack went back into the cabin, triple checked Felix’s pulse, grabbed the crossbow, and headed into the woods.

. . .

He returned, hours later in the near pitch darkness, to see the door to the cabin was left ajar and a small light from inside. 

Jack abandoned the rabbits he’d caught, letting them slip to the ground next to the graves. He crouched low to the ground and strung an arrow, creeping around the cabin and into the slightly opened door. His eyes instantly shot to where Felix was lying and saw a dark figure hunched over Felix. Jack stood and quickly rushed the figure, kicking them hard in the side so they’d fall to the ground. Jack stood above them and pointed the arrow directly between—

Between Mark’s fucking eyes, fuck.

Jack stumbled back, breathing hard. “What the fuck,” He hissed, eyes alight with adrenaline and anger at Mark for not using his fucking head. “You left the door open! Anyone could’ve come in and killed ye’ both!”

Mark let out a noise of disbelief as he stood on shaky legs. “I’m almost fucking died,” Mark wheezed. “Oh my god, you’re so scary when you’re bloodthirsty.”

“What’re ye’ doing here?”

“Jack, we have medication.”

Amy’s voice was this awful warmth that Jack didn’t want because the door had been left open and there was still a possibility of a threat. His eyes swept past where Amy was standing behind him, looking in all of the dark corners of the cabin, even glancing into the open loft of the upstairs. He saw Ethan and Marzia at the door too, and that—

That was a huge fucking relief.

“I’d thought ye’d gotten hurt,” Jack told them, trying to keep his tone from being accusatory. Ethan winced as he came forward to Felix’s side. “I’d thought ye’d died or something, Ethan.”

“They were heading the opposite of us, but we caught up eventually,” Marzia explained as she stood behind Ethan. Jack looked to Ethan and saw that he was crushing some sort of pill into a metal water bottle. “We didn’t meant to be away for so long.”

“The paracetamol will bring down the swelling eventually,” Mark explained in an overtly calm manner, still eyeing Jack’s crossbow that Jack kept at the ready out of reflex. “Marzia and Ethan told us what had happened. He’s going to be okay, Jack.”

The words were like flicking a switch off in Jack’s brain. 

His stance crumbled, shoulders and arms and expression dropping into nothing. The crossbow would have slipped from his hand if he didn’t have a default death grip on such a sickeningly deadly weapon. Jack felt tired all over, bone deep weariness dragging energy and adrenaline from him like flesh from the bone with a knife. He swayed dangerously. 

Mark moved forward to catch him, but Jack caught himself. 

“There’re rabbits,” he said, brain filtering through the other things that were important now that Felix was no longer in the reaper’s sights. “I’ll make a fire, skin ‘em, give ye’ all some dinner. You must be tired after that hike.”

“We came as soon as we could,” Amy said.

“There’s plenty of room,” Jack pushed on, ignoring her unnecessary defense. Jack didn’t fault them for taking nearly four days. He wasn’t falling to pieces because of them. “Set up yer packs, make yourselves comfortable. Once the fire is going, it’ll be nice and warm. You can leave whenever ye’ wanna. I—”

Jack needed to keep watch.

Jack would stay outside.

“I’ll be out,” Jack said, wanting to use transparency, wanting Mark to see that he was better even if Jack really wasn’t. “I wanna make sure nothin’ creeps up on ye’. Bears and shit, you know? It’s still dangerous out there. You shouldn’t have walked through the woods so late at night. Felix could have survived until morning.”

The lie burned his tongue. 

“Shouldn’t you stay here?” Marzia asked. “Felix could be suffering from memory loss again when he wakes up. What if he doesn’t recognize anyone?”

Marzia’s words rushed over Jack like ice water. 

He was drowning again.

_Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Jack._

But he wasn’t feeling sorry for himself, he was feeling sorry for Felix. Jack’s grip on the crossbow tightened and stung from where he’d gouged into his flesh hours ago. “Get me if he wakes up,” he choked out. “I don’t— it’ll be fine. He’ll be fine.”

Jack ducked his head and left the cabin to start that fire and prepare dinner before anyone could try to stop him. 

. . .

It was two more days of Jack spending his entire day hunting and his nights sitting atop the rickety roof, keeping an eye out for dangers. 

He hadn’t gone inside once.

Mark and Amy were in there, for one, and he was sure they didn’t want to be around him. Marzia probably didn’t like him very much either and Ethan was a good kid who didn’t deserve to be caught up in the middle of useless drama that had manifested from Jack’s mistakes. Then there was the fact that if Jack had to look upon Felix’s near-lifeless body one more time, he was sure would suffer a lapse in front of people he didn’t want to know that he had so little control. Mark and Amy had literally asked for Jack to act as some sort of leader for them. He’d already failed that on one account, what was another?

That was why Jack spent all of his time outside, in weathered conditions. There was a storm approaching, Jack could see it from where he was standing atop a jutting rock, practicing complete stillness. Jack tried not to think about how badly the last storm had gone, during the first day of Ethan and Marzia’s absence. 

The thunder overhead had sent Jack into near hysterics. The only thing that had kept him from digging his own fucking grave to escape the sounds and the fear was Felix. He couldn’t very well let himself die his Felix needed his help. Now he didn’t have Felix as a distraction. 

Jack tore his eyes from the rolling thunderclouds down to the forest below his dangling feet. If Felix were here, he’d tell Jack the name of the clouds. 

“It’s a cumulonimbus with an anvil-topped incus.”

Felix’s voice was like something out of a dream. Jack didn’t dare turn and look, even when he heard someone sit down beside him. He could see hands in his peripherals, familiar with long, delicate fingers that should have learned to make music or create art and not how to hold a weapon. 

“You remember me,” was the first thing Jack said.

There was a heavy sigh from beside him, as weary as Jack felt. 

“I’ve got your name on my wrist, Seán. You’re the only person I won’t be able to forget.”

He didn’t sound happy for it. “We can find a way t’ remove it if ye’ want.”

There was a long pause, then a hand on Seán’s shoulder, making him turn. 

Felix looked—

Bad. 

But not in a bad way.

His eyes were sunken and his face was gaunt. There wasn’t much color to his skin and his lips were severely chapped from dehydration despite Seán’s best efforts in the past days. There was a clean bandage around his head and he was fucking awake, he wasn’t lifeless anymore, so even though Felix looked back, seeing him at all was inexplicably good. 

“Seán, what happened to you?”

Seán didn’t know what to say. Felix was the one who had been unconscious from a violent head injury. Seán had just been running from his problems and hunting helpless animals in some attempt to survive. But no one had complained about being hungry the few times Seán had seen them to deliver whatever he’d caught and that was about the only win Seán had so far.

“I’m surprised to see you out here,” Felix said after Seán didn’t respond. “You hate the sky so much. You hate the openness. I guess you like the woods so much because it’s so closed up. Like being surrounded by walls. It’s good for you.”

Seán just nodded, unable to look away from Felix because while Felix didn’t wear a lot of expressions, the few things Seán was seeing now was better than nothing. 

“You cleaned up the cabin,” Felix continued. “Ethan fucking loves it. He keeps saying it’s like you were trying to make a house or something. He’s talking about making this some sort of basecamp. Everyone else agrees. Head out, see shit, find shit, but then come back here.” There was a moment’s pause. "You did it, Seán. You found that home you were looking for.”

Seán didn’t understand. 

“I’m done exploring,” Felix murmured, his tone softening. 

“Is that my fault?”

“No,” Felix replied firmly. “I’m just, I’m good, Seán. Good with nearly dying over and over. I’ve seen so much already, more than I ever thought I would. I didn’t think I was done exploring until I woke up a few hours ago without you and realized that this bullshit isn’t worth losing you over.”

“A few hours?” Seán’s eyes went wide. Felix had only been awake a few hours. “Felix, ye’ need to rest.”

“That’s what I mean,” Felix said, his gaze almost fond. “Even with everything I’ve said, all you think about is taking care of me. And it makes me wonder who the fuck is looking out for you if you’re not gonna look out for yourself.”

“I’m fine, Felix.”

“You’re sitting in the middle of the woods with a storm coming, Seán, do you not know a damn thing about lightning?”

Seán bristled even though Felix was right because Seán didn’t actually know that much about any of that. “It’s dangerous t’ be around trees,” Seán hedged. “But that ain’t what matters, Felix, you should be resting. You were in a coma, an actual fuckin’ coma. You shouldn’t be out here.” They weren’t far from the cabin, but they were further than Felix should have walked. “I’m gonna walk ye’ back.”

“I’m only going back if you stay there with me.”

“I’ve things to do, Felix.”

“They told me you haven’t been back inside for more than ten minutes since they came back,” Felix said, ignoring Seán’s protests. “You’ve been sleeping out here. That’s fucking crazy, Seán, it’s really not safe. Plus, you could get sick. And we don’t really have any meds left considering what they used on me.” Felix grimaced and touched his fingers to his temple. “My head still hurts a little. Please stay with us. I’ll worry.”

Seán didn’t want the others to see him, but he couldn’t deny Felix. “Be careful down the rocks.” He slid down first and then waited for Felix, looking to him and watching Felix make a careful descent down the rocks. Seán reached out and took Felix by the elbow to help him down the final step. There was a small ledge, one that Seán was basically terrified of, because Felix could easily slip. Seán kept laser focus as Felix dropped the last part and swore he heard the sound of Felix’s head cracking against stone, and then, when Seán looked up, Felix kissed him.

Seán shuddered badly and pressed into the kiss, taking the selfish moment for what it was. 

“It’s still so weird,” Felix murmured against his lips. “To be able to do this whenever I want. To be able to kiss you. I dreamed about it for so fucking long. Pretty sure I dreamed about it in my coma too.” Seán felt Felix smile. “It wasn’t that bad, you know. Just a really good sleep. But I wanted to come back to you. I promise I did.” Felix pulled back from the kiss and his brow slowly furrowed. “Seán, are you crying?”

Seán startled, stepped back, felt at his face and found wetness that definitely shouldn’t be there. “What the fuck,” he whispered, mostly to himself. He felt fine. He felt fucking fine. His chest wasn’t tight, there wasn’t any pain, there was nothing. Why was he crying?

“Seán, come sit down.”

Seán shook his head, touching his face to confirm the tears were real, but knowing better than doing anything about it. “You have to go inside,” he told Felix firmly, his voice cracking with something that wasn’t matching up with what he actually felt. Seán turned his attention to Felix, singleminded. He took Felix’s hand, hoping Felix didn’t comment on the wetness of Seán’s fingertips, and started to pull him through the woods, navigating easily through the trees. He stuck close to the trunks, moving from tree to tree, making sure to move in front of Felix, keeping a sharp gaze for anything out there that could try to hurt them.

He pulled Felix back to the cabin he’d painstakingly rebuilt in an attempt to give Felix something good and only felt an inkling of relief at seeing a light from inside. Seán brought Felix to the door and opened it, pushing Felix inside. He pulled back, fully intending to leave one he knew Felix would be kept indoors. Bu a hand came from inside the cabin and took Seán by the front of his shirt, pulling him in after Felix. Seán’s eyes went wide and he almost panicked, but stopped himself from lashing out when he saw Mark was the one holding onto him, wearing a determined expression.

“You’ve been out there for days,” Mark said, sounding like he was trying to scold a child. “Just stay inside. You could get hurt.”

Seán couldn’t handle the walls, the ghost of Felix dead in the room, the people surrounding him that he was sure didn’t want anything to do with him. Felix loved his friends, but Felix’s friends didn’t love Seán. Why would Mark be pulling him in? Unless Seán had caused Felix distress in his absence? That couldn’t be. Felix had the others. 

“Just stay with us,” Mark pressured. “Stay warm.”

Felix was amongst Ethan and Marzia and his expression brightened considerably when he saw Seán was also inside the cabin. 

The cabin itself was as clean as Seán had left it, with the warm fire crackling in the opposite corner where Seán had left part of the roof open to let out the smoke. He intended to collected stones outside and create an actual fireplace and had been waiting for Felix to wake up so he could ask him what they looked like. Amy was at the fire, using the cooking mechanism Seán had rigged up— some sharp stick hung from others that allowed food to be roasted above the fire without having to use your hands— cooking one of the various animals Seán had caught yesterday. 

“I left my bow,” Seán said, remembering it as an afterthought, a reason to escape. But when he turned again to leave, Mark stopped him. 

“I’ll get it,” he said. “I saw where you both were.”

Mark left before Seán could be protest, and he was left standing in the cabin he’d rebuilt feeling like he didn’t belong. Seán looked around with aimless loss. Felix was being bustled back to a place to rest by Marzia and Ethan, so Seán had nothing to do with himself. He met Amy’s eyes then, and she beckoned him over with a crook of her hand. Seán went to her side on autopilot and sat on the floor beside her and the crackling fire.

“You all but ran when we got here,” Amy said. “Didn’t even give me time to say hello.”

Seán shook his head, not really seeing a reason in responding beyond that. He had run, absolutely. He didn’t want Mark and Amy to leave because they were what had stood between Felix and death. And since they were still here, Seán couldn’t be.

“Do you hate us, Jack?”

Seán shook his head again.

Amy hummed thoughtfully and nodded. “That’s what I was afraid of.” She sat back, stirred the fire and watched the meat— some sort of bird, Seán couldn’t even remember what he’d killed— cook. “Jack, you know we don’t hate you either.”

Seán tore his teeth down in his lower lip to keep from flinching. He wasn’t sure when he’d become so weak to the observations of others, especially when they saw right through him. It probably had to do with how severely he’d isolated himself and how he hadn’t had human contact in about a week. For all of his fear of this world, he’d sunk into the solitude so easily. That scared him almost as much.

“Mark and I really didn’t leave because of you,” Amy insisted. “I know that Mark said some shit to you before we left, and I’ve given him a good amount of shit for it in turn. He’d still be trying to get his head around you not caring that your name was on Felix’s wrist. Which, like, wow. Big plot twist there. But Jack, we never left because of you. We left because—“

She cut herself off, pursing her lips, thinking. Seán wondered why she needed to think so hard about this if it really wasn’t because of him.

“Look, Jack,” she sighed. “Mark and I— we’re new. And when we got together, there was so much going on. But he and I are kinda, like…” She trailed off again. “Alright, I can’t think of a nice way to say this. We wanted to be alone a bit for some sort of honeymoon. You get me?”

Seán processed this slowly. When it dawned on him, his ears felt hot. “Oh.”

Amy smirked at his flush. “Yeah, oh.”

“I, uh. I’m happy for ye’.”

“Are you?”

Seán shrugged. “Course I am,” he mumbled. “You and Mark— Felix saw it before I did, because that’s how smart he is, ye’ know? And you’re right, there was a terrible time for that t’ happen. Everything was going wrong so very fast. It makes sense that ye’d take advantage of this empty place t’ get some alone time with Mark.” Not that Seán was completely buying this because Mark had sounded so accusatory, but—

“It wasn’t your fault,” Amy told him firmly. “Mark and I left because we wanted to get to know each other on our own, okay? And, maybe, you know. Enjoy ourselves. The stuff he said to you before we left isn’t reflective of the reason. You have to understand that Mark didn’t understand, okay? He had no idea what you’re going through.”

Seán narrowed his eyes at the lame. “And what am I going through?”

“Oh, Jack,” she said softly, like she felt sorry for him— like she pitied him. “We can all see it. You weren’t born for war, but you made yourself into what you needed to be. You don’t know how to put down your weapon. And you don’t know how to be at peace. And whatever Signe did—”

His reaction was immediate, a catatonic state that had him swaying dangerously close to the fire as his body tried to escape the panic his brain fell into at the sound of her name. Hands wrapped around Seán’s clothes and pulled him back, laid him out on the ground. 

“I don’t understand,” Seán said aloud, the words not sounding like his own in the echo of his skull. Bile rose in his throat and he clamped his mouth shout. The hands kept pulling at his shirt and someone was in his face, obscuring his vision. Then the figure was pushed away and all Seán saw was the ceiling.

It had taken him an entire day to fix that ceiling, the floor to the room upstairs. He’d found the nails in the basement along with the rest of the tools he’d used and he’d had to brave the rickety upstairs to repair what he could. The floor had creaked dangerously under his feet and he’d entertained the possibility of the floor giving away beneath him, where he would be impaled by a splintered piece of wood, left to die like Sive had. 

“He’s in shock, give him air.”

Felix’s voice broke through his broken brain and prompted Seán to suck in a gulp of air to soothe his burning lungs. He regained control and shut his eyes, breathing slowly, yet raggedly, piecing his brain back together. 

“Seán, are you with us?”

Seán shook his head. Familiar fingertips wrapped around his wrist and pressed into his pulse. Seán curled his fingers and pressed into the pulse of the other person, into Felix’s vein. Felix rubbed his thumb into Seán’s skin in soothing circles.

“Burning alive is the worst way to die, Seán.”

“Agree t’ disagree,” Seán replied, his voice hoarse. 

“I’m so sorry,” Amy said, her own voice trembling. “I didn’t know—”

“It’s okay,” Seán interrupted. He opened his eyes again, found the room to be spinning, but nothing he couldn’t handle. Seán sat up with a groan and didn’t fight when Felix put his hand around Seán’s shoulder to pull Seán into Felix’s chest. Seán slumped into Felix’s warmth, unable to keep up appearances. Amy and the others knew by now that Seán wasn’t the leader they wanted or needed him to be. Just some fucking failure, killing children and burning the world and selfishly taking from the man who had already given him everything. 

“You’re okay, Seán,” Felix soothed, running his longer fingers through Seán’s hair. “You don’t need to do this anymore, okay? You don’t need to keep doing this.”

The door swung open and Seán heard Mark walk inside. He wanted to turn around and ask for his bow, but he couldn’t. Felix was holding him fast and Seán was loathe to pull away.

“Is it like you said?” Mark asked.

“Worse,” Felix replied. “He went into shock.”

“Jesus.”

“No one’s allowed to say that name anymore,” Felix ordered. “Not until I find out why it does this to him.”

“He doesn’t even know. He told me he doesn’t.”

“I heard,” Felix replied to Amy. “We’ll figure it out.”

Seán didn’t like people talking about him, whether he was in the room or not, but he didn’t care. Felix was warm and awake and alive and the crackling fire was giving him something to cling to. 

“Just finish dinner,” Felix prompted of the others. Then there were lips against Seán’s temple, a kiss that couldn’t be ignored. Seán wondered when Felix had told the others that he’d fallen into a relationship with Seán and how they had taken it. Seán was sure Mark had been adamantly against his. So had Marzia. Hell, maybe even Ethan and Amy and protested with Felix’s safety in mind as well. “He’ll be fine.”

If Felix truly believed that, then Seán had no other reason but to trust him.

. . .

 

Seán needed the forest.

It was something they couldn’t avoid any longer. 

The hard part was that everyone else didn’t need the forest like he did. The others felt the pull of the world they’d been denied their whole lives, the world they felt they belonged to. 

As days passed, from their vantage point, they were able to see new fires and the glint of moving metal. People were leaving the continent and moving out into this wilderness and forging new paths, like their ancestors had done centuries ago. The pull of adventure was too strong for the others while the pull of adventure had Seán’s stomach rolling over and his brain fuzzing with panic. 

That was why the others made this game plan, this set of rules and strategies to allow them to see what they could without losing what they had with the people they cared about. 

Amy and Mark would go off into the nothing and come back once a month, which Felix taught them to generally identify by the phases of the moon. They wanted to be alone because Seán’s cabin wasn’t very private and there were no walls for separate rooms— yet.

Ethan didn’t have much of a desire to see things, but he did have this desire to stay with Marzia. Seán knew it had to do with his mother, that it could be nothing else. Marzia had the lapses in attention and gentle demeanor of a gentle mother who had met her untimely demise and Seán had been unable to save. So when Marzia left, Ethan went with her. 

It seemed like a good match. Marzia would often lose herself in the closed quarters of the cabin and Ethan would put in a monumental amount of effort to bring her back to the present. She wasn’t in that tower anymore, she was in a new home with people who cared about her and she could leave whenever she wanted. So leave she did, and Ethan went with her. When Felix had normally been very nervous to see her go, he could see Ethan would probably go as far as dying to protect her. And while Seán fucking hated the idea of Ethan— or anyone— dying, he appreciated the peace it gave Felix every time Ethan and Marzia would leave.

That was the rhythm they fell into. Mark and Amy, Ethan and Marzia, setting out and exploring in eery direction, then coming back and resting and enjoying having a home to always come back to.

But Felix stayed because Seán couldn’t leave and that ruined Seán.

“I don’t need to see it,” Felix swore. “I don’t, okay? I don’t need any of that shit. Yeah, it’s cool to see and know that my life had a purpose in being filled with that shit and it’s fantastic to learn what’s really true and what’s not, but I don’t need it. I don’t.”

Seán didn’t believe him. He couldn’t. Felix’s entire being was intertwined with the world outside the cabin that Seán was having more and more difficulty leaving. Seán needed the cabin and he needed the woods, the enclosed spaces, the tree branches overhead hiding the endless sky from sight. He needed to feel safe and in close quarters because that was all he’d known and he needed to feel like the sky was a ceiling, not some endless blue that led into the cold, emptiness of space.

One time, Seán had made the mistake of staring into the sky in an attempt to overcome the fear. He’d only ended up feeling that freezing cold of space slip into his bones. He hadn’t been able to shake the feeling for days, the cold only chased away by the sensation of Felix’s calloused fingertips dragging down Seán’s bare sides as he tried to coax Seán into some form of restful sleep. 

Seán needed the forest and it took him weeks to finally bring himself back into a stable state of mind, where corpses didn’t fill his vision and Felix’s head cracking open on the rocks didn’t ring in his ears. 

The difference, though, once he’d reached it, was uncanny and impossible to ignore. And it hadn’t been gradual or sudden or the sky falling on his head.

It happened overnight and Seán only noticed once he’d woken up on the makeshift bed he’d been working on. Both Mark and Amy, and Ethan and Marzia were gone, heading down the ridge of the mountain to where they’d seen an encampment of people who were appearing to settle nearby. They were meant to be back in a couple days, but Seán had gone to bed with worry knotting his chest, so waking up without that knot was—

He didn’t know. 

Then there was this violent crack of thunder that had the cabin shaking and Seán might have screamed because _the bombs were dropping, he hadn’t done it right, their home had been found and now they were going to be burned by the bombs just like all the others and Seán would be left burying severed arms and Felix would—_

“It’s okay.” 

Felix’s arms wrapped around Seán’s body and pulled him in tight.

“It’s just a storm,” Felix promised. “It’s natural, it’s the sky. We’re safe inside.”

If they were only safe because they were inside, then that meant the others would be in dangerous. They were out there, they could be struck by lightning or crushed by falling trees or washed away by—

“Seán, please.”

Felix rolled Seán only his back and kissed him, drawing Seán’s thoughts from the gruesome deaths he was picturing. “Do as we discussed,” Felix prompted into his mouth. “Breathe through it and push your thoughts to something else. Don’t let yourself get lost in there. We’re okay. They’re gonna come home. Everything’s okay.”

Seán wanted to believe him, but another crack of thunder had Seán crying out in animalistic fear. Tears of shame burned his eyes and he quickly turned his face away from Felix, breaking the kiss so Felix wouldn’t see him like this. A third crack of thunder and Seán trembled violently.

“Seán, you have to try.”

He _was,_ he was trying, he didn’t enjoy this. Seán didn’t like feeling like he was helpless and falling apart and he didn’t like knowing he was useless and weak and he couldn’t protect Felix when he was like this and he hated these lapses that were prompted by his fear of never being enough and he—

Felix kissed him again. “I’ll make you feel better,” he murmured against his lips. “I know how to fix this. This will help, I promise.”

_”You need to trust me, I promise you I can make it all go away._

And maybe it was the fear, maybe it was the echoed words, maybe it was the thunder and the human body above him, but Seán couldn’t keep his mind in the present and he didn’t mean to, he swore he didn’t, but he couldn’t keep himself from begging, choking out, “Signe, don’t—”

Felix’s reaction was instantaneous and severe. He threw himself away from Seán— too far away, far enough to scare Seán, to make this so much worse— and stared at Seán like he was seeing a stranger. Seán swallowed down a dry sob of fear and twisted his hands in his hair.

“I don’t know why I said that,” he confessed even though the name still existed in his conscious, blaring like neon. “I don’t know, Felix, I’m sorry.”

There was quiet for a long moment. Then a crack of thunder had Felix spurring into action.

Felix reached forward and laid his hand over Seán’s eyes, plummeting Seán into darkness. And that somehow— helped. The darkness was four walls surrounding him, a padded room that kept him safe. And it was Felix covering his eyes, someone he trusted completely to keep anything from happening to him. But then the thunder rumbled again and Seán sobbed even louder and Felix—

_“Oh, let’s go up on the hill and scare ourselves, as reckless of the best of them tonight, by setting fire to the bush we piled with pitchy hands to wait for rain or snow.”_

Seán shuddered and forced his thoughts onto the poem, sinking into the familiar cadence that he knew better than his own reflection. 

_“Oh, let’s not wait for rain to make it safe. The pile is ours: we dragged it bough on bough down dark converging paths between the pines. Let’s not care what we do with it to-night. Divide it? No, but burn it as one pile the way we piled it. And let’s be the talk of people brought to windows by a light thrown from somewhere against their wall-paper. Rouse them all, both the free and not so free with saying what they’d like to do to us for what they’d better wait till we have done. Let’s all but bring to life this old volcano, if that is what the mountain ever was—  
and scare ourselves. Let wild fire loose we will….” _

Seán opened his mouth to respond, to fill his role, but all that came out was a strangled noise of pain. Signe’s name was still echoing in his skull, overwhelming all other things. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fucking fair. He didn’t even know why he was reacting so badly. He didn’t know why—

 _“And scare you too?”_ Felix continued for Seán, apparently pitying him. Felix continued with the poem, filling Seán’s part because Seán wasn’t even good enough to keep up his end of the bargain. Seán was just failing over and over until—

_Haven’t you heard, though, about the ships where war has found them out at sea, about the towns where war has come through opening clouds at night with droning speed further o’erhead than all but stars and angels,— and children in the ships and in the towns? Haven’t you heard what we have lived to learn? Nothing so new—something we had forgotten.”_

Felix paused. His hand was warm on Seán’s skin. Then, _“War is endless,”_ Felix whispered. _“I wasn’t going to let you fight and I mustn’t. The best way to bring you peace is to turn our backs on the flames, laugh, and swallow down the fear.”_

Seán swallowed. “That’s not how it goes, Felix.”

“I’m going to ask you to do something for me,” Felix prompted gently. “I’m going to ask this of you and then nothing else.”

Seán shuddered. “Felix, I—”

“Do you agree to let me do this one thing?”

“Y-yes.”

“And if it’s too much, you tell me to stop, and I swear I will.”

Seán didn’t know why Felix was suddenly so caught up on Seán agreeing to this, but he would consent. That was what Felix wanted, right? Seán’s consent. “I’ll tell you.”

“Good. Seán. Tell me what happened the day I was shot.”

Ice laced through Seán’s chest, but Felix was asking for something that was, on the surface, so simple, another list for Seán to complete, and Seán couldn’t deny Felix anything. 

Seán shuddered, wet his lips, and began to talk.

“Ye’ suddenly stopped reciting the poem and I just— I lost my thoughts. There were people all around, people with LAR and guns, and I just— fell into it and killed. I got their blood under my nails. I felt them scream. I think I even used my teeth on one man. And it was awful and evil and I feel ill whenever I remember it because I killed so many, Felix. I don’t know how I walked away from that alive. I don’t think I intended to walk away from it at all, to tell ye’ the truth. I think I meant t’ die there and I was— furious when I didn’t. But then they said you had a pulse and I couldn’t—”

Seán cut off and it took Felix’s gently prompting, small little whispers of his name to keep him going. 

“I killed them and we got ye’ home,” Seán continued almost breathlessly. “Cry was there, he kept talking about taking you from me. That I was going to get you killed one way or another. And he was right, he had a good argument. But I couldn’t think about it. Yer blood was still on me, it was warmer than the blood of the others. And yer voice, it echoed—”

“Move on,” Felix murmured. “I’m alive, Seán. Don’t torture yourself.”

“But ye’ weren’t,” Seán whimpered. “You stopped talking, I—”

“Keep going, Seán.”

Seán took in a deep breath and did his best. “We got ye’ home and Si—Si— _fuck._ ”

“She patched me up.”

Seán nodded into Felix’s hand. “Signe patched you up.” He forced himself through the name, ignored the clamminess of his hands. He would need to say her name to get through this. “And I wasn’t— I didn’t feel human, Felix. I felt empty, like all my organs had been pulled out and thrown away and I was just hollow. I couldn’t think or make myself do anything. I honestly just became this giant fucking comatose failure and I let so many people down and they—”

“Understood completely that you were worried and you cared about me,” Felix interrupted gently. “Tell me what happened next, Seán.”

His throat was too dry. Seán tried to clear it, but it only made his throat hurt. “I, uh. Signe came t’ me. After patching you up, she came to me that night, into my room. Took me aside, sat next to me on the bed. Told me could help me. That she knew how to make my head feel better.”

_”You need to trust me, I promise you I can make it all go away._

“She told me she loved me, pushed me down onto the bed, but not, like, forcefully. I let her do it. She started— t-touching me, started kissing me and taking my clothes off, but I— didn’t like it, it felt wrong. You were dying in the next room and she was touching me and trying to make me feel good, but I didn’t deserve to feel good, not when you were like that. And I didn’t like her touch, it f-felt bad. I didn’t like it and I told her, but she told me it would be okay, that it would get better and that I just needed to trust her.”

Felix shifted, bent over, enveloped Seán’s body with his own and pressed his forehead into the bedding next to Seán’s head, bringing them temple to temple. Felix’s body became the secondary roof shielding Seán from the rumbling storm outside. Seán couldn’t see Felix do this, but he could feel it and it comforted him.

“But it didn’t feel good for so long, it just felt like she was trying to take something from me, it felt like it was for herself. She wanted me. I, I’d never noticed. I’d never noticed but she was in love with me and she wanted me to touch her. She kept bringing my hands to her body and telling me it was okay, that if I just gave in and let it feel good, I’d feel better. She kept pushing for me to touch her and she kept touching me and I don’t think I liked it, but I was desperate. She kept telling me that it would get better and I had to trust her because I had no other choice. But her touch was wrong, it wasn’t like yours, and I couldn’t—”

Seán cut off and couldn’t continued. Felix was starting to shake like Seán was. 

“I’m sorry,” Seán choked out. “If I’d known what ye’ felt for me, I would have never let her do that.”

“Jesus christ, Seán.”

Felix sounded ruined and Seán didn’t know why. He tried to pull away and move Felix’s hand so he could comfort the other man, but Felix held tight. Seán started to struggle, started to panic. He was pinned and Felix was—

Sitting up and pulling away, bringing Seán back into the dim light. 

Felix looked as ruined as he sounded. 

“You don’t understand what she did to you,” he said. “You have no idea.”

Seán shook his head. “She was trying to help me.”

“She fucking raped you, Seán.”

Seán flinched at the word, tugged at his hair again. “She didn’t. She didn’t force me, I told you that.”

“Is this why we haven’t had any sort of sex since we left the continent?”

Seán was loathe to admit that Felix had a point. Aside from that moment in the woods where Seán had promptly lost himself to exhaustion, he’d been nervous to be touched. But that hardly made sense because why would Seán have been okay with what Felix had done to him before and then suddenly not if it was the manifestation of something that had happened before the first event?

“The whole thing triggered the PTSD,” Felix began to explain, easily reading Seán’s thoughts like he always had. “Going out here, exacerbating the anxiety of your disorder. You were fine until we went out here. Everything became too much. You’re hyperaware of all sensation, sensitive to anything on your skin, scared of all unfamiliar exterior influences. You have PTSD and she had a hand in this and if she weren’t still in that fucking corpse of a city, I would find her and strangle her.”

There was a fire in Felix’s eyes that should have scared Seán, but only comforted him and made some sort of warmth roil in his chest. The idea of being protected, of being guarded, by Felix from the things that left him with lapses of control was—

“I’m okay, Felix.”

“No, you’re not,” Felix argued. “You’re not because I can’t touch you even though I know you want it, and you’re not okay because someone you trusted manipulated you into sex and you fought in a war you were too young to stomach and you had to kill people and you watched the people you love died and buried so many others. You’re not okay, Seán. And I’m not gonna tell you it’s okay to not be okay, but I am going to tell you that I will fix this.” 

Felix leaned in, taking Seán’s face in his hands and making him meet his eyes. “I won’t lie,” he said. “I was so worried that I wasn’t who I thought I was to you. I was worried that you didn’t care about me because you were so aggressive, but I get it now. You had too much on your shoulders and you were struggling under the weight. I kept going against you, and every time I disobeyed you, I ended up hurt, or someone ended up dead. I know I was wrong to listen to the hateful words of everyone else. You would have died for me then even if you were so upset with the stupid things I kept doing.”

Felix paused, staring into Seán. Seán almost couldn’t move. Something broke in Felix’s eyes. “Seán,” he said. “I hurt you without meaning to.”

“It was my fault for being so cruel.”

“Don’t, Seán, just don’t.” Felix paused again. “Can I kiss you?”

“Why are you asking?”

“Because I want you to know that I’m not like her. If you tell me you don’t want it, I won’t do it.”

That brought more warmth into Seán and he reveled in it. He wasn’t able to keep himself anymore, wasn’t able to silence the fucking agony in his head. But now Felix was going to help him. The only reason Seán was okay with letting him carry this weight because Felix was the one asking to carry it for him. “You can kiss me.”

Felix surged forward and sealed their lips together. “I’ll spend the rest of my life rebuilding the things that fell apart,” Felix swore. “And one day, you’ll wake up and you’ll look into that sky, and you won’t be afraid.”

Seán trusted Felix because Felix believed it enough for them both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://discord.gg/jCTVNsJ
> 
> come join this small jelix discord if you want ~


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